26 November 2023 🥀

"—like they were recorded in the toilet."

That Saturday night, I lay in bed with the  curtains  drawn open so that the moon and stars were naked before me. I listened to Night Air for the zillionth time.

Her words came back to me, making me laugh into the night as I proceeded  to play the other songs of the musician.

As I listened to the songs it was clear that she was  not wrong. It was like a completely different person wrote the song.

It was still the same smooth velvety voice but it was like the previous albums were produced with a gun to his head as some terrible songwriter forced him to sing.

The instruments. The trumpets, the bass guitar, the flute and drums all clashed in ways that made his voice  drown out, like the sound of someone singing as the toilet flushed.

Even the terrible songs made me think of her.The other songs didn't make me dance but I had a few laughs and side comments.

I wanted her with me. Laying by my side and discussing how everything that went right with Night Air seemed to go left in his other songs.

I thought about Leonardo and Olivia's fight that took place right before my eyes. I felt helpless, watching the people I cared about fight. I was completely clueless and confused, unable to dissolve the situation.

Everything that happened for a reason seemed to be slowly falling apart in ways I never thought could happen. Watching my two best friends fight like that really tore at my heart.

What happens when the things you believe happened for a reason fall apart? Do you keep building, picking up the reasons again and again?

It was clear that girls in all of their beauty, charm and comfort were also deeply frustrating.

I saw the frustration in Leonardo's eyes, as he relayed what was happening with Olivia and him. I saw how his eyes looked just like how mine looked.

Frustration.

Burning,pulling and taking from us.

I asked simply for one conversation but Thandiwe was having none of it. It was  like she'd rather we not share another word with each other.

Girls were frustrating!

Despite all that, I also saw the fight in Leonardo's eyes. Like a fire in the depth of his dark eyes, even though he was  angry. It only meant that he found a girl who was worth the frustration.

  Love wasn't the absence of frustration in fact it was quite the opposite. The frustrations were there, present and unavoidable.

"You're worth the frustrations Thandiwe."

27 November 2023🥀

I got a call from Leonardo's grandfather. It was unexpected, weird and an honour.

"Leonardo has given up...on love. He's given up on Olivia."

The line went dead quiet after Mr July spoke those ominous words. Everything  paused. The silence was broken when Mr July explained everything in depth, the pain clear in his tone.

"Wha- that's impossible " I didn't know what to say after everything. I was shaken by the foundations I thought would always stand.

"He needs you right now." Mr July said. "He needs us."

"Anything. We can't let Leonardo make this mistake."

More words were shared between us and when he hung up, the line went dead.

Leonardo giving up on Olivia.

It was a hard lie that brought nothing but pain and confusion; clouding the mind in a haze. But there was one thing I was certain about.

The clarity had come before I knew that I'd be searching for answers. Leonardo had that look in his eyes as he fought in the car with Olivia. Desperation and hope. Pain and comfort.

And as the two of us talked in the car after she left I could see it in his eyes. See it in the depths of the haze, that he believed without a shadow of a doubt that Olivia was worth the frustrations. He would just have to accept that because he knew it.

The frustrations weren't bearable.They made a quitter out of a winner. It would take looking past the frustrations, the fog, and seeing the person standing in the midst of it.

Olivia was worth it and Leonardo knew it.

He just had to accept it. Just like I had to accept it.

28 November 2023🥀

It was Monday, the day was long, with an underlying dullness to it. I was glad Leonardo was back on track and would continue pursuing Olivia but in my case…

I had hit a stumbling block. Locking eyes with Thandiwe in the hallway during school hours, her being the first to break it. I decided to step away from it for a while and possibly get a good night's rest.

It was late evening, the sun's orange rays scattered on the horizon like dust. I was leaving the school premises after being kept in the school grounds for hours because of the soccer boys; wanting to relive moments and chill as we caught up with each other's lives.

In short we were all either madly in love or madly in hate. All either depressed or extremely excited for the future. All either certain about the next step in our future or not even sure what we'd eat for breakfast. But we were all, as we came into an agreement—a mess.

Through all the talk it was Oratile's words that stuck with me. “ I know that in  a few days, months and even  years from now... I'm gonna hate myself for being such a statue when it came to the things and people I loved. For never, ever trying because of this crippling fear that left me paralyzed and it sucks. It sucks so badly man…just watching everything you've always wanted pass before your eyes and feelings so powerless.”

Even though we all had no idea who he was talking about, to a certain extent I related with him.

Stepping out of Vestalia High's green school gates, the heat was moderate, which was surprising for the weather we'd been having lately. I walked home, dwelling on a million thoughts.

I felt the first drop of rain, when I lifted my eyes and saw her. She was sitting on a grassy pavement with her headphones on as she moved to the music. She wrote in a yellow notebook slowly, like she was putting thought into every word.

I stopped in my tracks. A statue.

That's when I felt more drops, dribbling down my skin. It was at that second, a drop from the evening sky fell right onto her face, trailing  down her cheek like a tear and landing on her notebook.

She looked up as it started to drizzle. Her eyes were fiery, as she grunted, complaining to the sky as she packed her headphones and book into her bag. It was while all this was happening that I felt my uniform dampening.

“Wait! At least wait for me to get home!” She yelled back at the sky and I laughed.

Although she was far, it's like she caught the sound of my laughter. She turned, her eyes locking with mine, brown to green. I released a breath.

“Dominique?”

And it was at that second that she spoke my name that the vaults of heaven seemed to tear open and the rain poured down on us in torrents, blurring my view of her. I blinked the rain away, my bones chilling and jolting with the cold as the rain soaked me.

I was beyond shocked when I saw, through blurred vision, the sight of  Thandiwe running towards me. She didn't stop in front of me, instead she grabbed my hand, tugging roughly.

“What are you still standing here for? You'll get sick. Let's go look for shelter!”  It was loudest I had heard her speak, her soft voice struggling against the sound of pelting rain.

Then with her small hand gripping mine we ran right through the torrents of rain, our feet smacking the wet pavement.

There was no shade or shelter anywhere. We were soaked to the bone, and my lungs were ready to give out.

I stopped, hands to my knees as I tried to catch my breath and  see through the rain that trickled its way into my eyes.

“Why'd you stop?” She turned, wiping the rain from her eyes as she stared  at me, a frown on her face.

Thandiwe’s hand wasn't in mine anymore and I wondered if it was too late to reach for it.

“...Running,”I said after I finally caught my breath, “—doesn't make the rain stop or slow down. There isn't a shelter close by so let's save ourselves falling face down on the wet ground and simply walk.”

She made attempts to argue but looking at the long road we still had to walk with no sight of shelter or shade…

She released a strangled breath, kicking at the rain that pelted down, louder and faster.

“ I hate rain!” She shouted, which translated to I was right.

“Come on Thandiwe. Let's get you home.” I took hold of  her hand.

We started walking, struggling as the rain pelted down on us furiously. I shivered, and felt her body shiver beside me.Wanting so much to bring her into my arms, I had to distract myself and walk a little bit faster.

We walked in the rain, watching people drive passed in their warm cars and trying not to swear at those whose water splashed on us.

I didn't strike up a conversation. No small talk. No bad jokes. No questions. Her hand, holding mine was the smallest hand I've ever held yet it fit perfectly. I kept my hold, loose yet firm to not make her uncomfortable.

Lightning flashed and the sky rumbled with a threatening thunder as the rain poured down in angry pelts.

I couldn't take a breath, because  the air  was basically the ocean. Thandiwe and I fought against the rain and honestly it was quite ridiculous. Cars and trucks continued to pass by us, the warm light emanating from them  taunting.

Thandiwe  stared at one of the passing cars with longing in her eyes. Despite the situation, a flurry of pent up feelings erupted out of me in a cackle. I laughed, loud and hard but it didn't drown out the rain.

The laughter was overwhelming, stopping me in my tracks as I tried to get myself together. Her hard gaze on me was felt  but it only made me laugh harder.

Her expression was clear— she was not pleased. With  little pauses of breaths through my laughter, I tried to speak. “...Come…on it's…a…little…bit funny.”

Thandiwe's gaze only hardened.

Until she cracked. Her lips curved into an open smile as she laughed. The rain dripping passed her lips. “It's a little bit funny.” She finally agreed.

I could finally calm myself down, mostly because I wanted to see her laugh more.

“You wouldn't believe this…” Thandiwe started, as the rain seemed to slow down. Her braids were a darker shade of black and wet, sticking at the sides of her face.

“What?”

“I had my umbrella with me everyday for the last few weeks and it was only because of the heat but today…” She laughed, a  breath.

“Today when I actually need it!”

The lightning flashed  as she lifted her soaked arms to the sky, emphasizing her point.

Laughter erupted out of us, overwhelming. It ended in these sighs that left permanent smiles on our faces.

“I looked at my umbrella today, Dominique. I made eye contact with it and thought…I'm not gonna need it, the heat won't be that bad.”

“I'm laughing at you, not with you.”

She smacked my shoulder, her eyes alight.

The rain decided it wasn't going to have mercy on us anymore. It pelted down faster.

Thandiwe and I started running again, fighting past the rain but  we were laughing, smiling and sharing the moment. I held her hand, my hold tighter than before and I felt her fingers tighten just as much. I wanted it to mean something.

“Do you…” she stopped to catch her breath, pushing her short wet braids behind her. “Do you by any chance miraculously have an umbrella?”

She raised her brows, humorously hopeless.  I laughed and she laughed along with me but we were laughing for completely different reasons.

“I actually…” I scratched my head.” I actually have an umbrella in my bag but it's —”

“What?!” Thandiwe's brown eyes widened, her lips agape.

The lightning flashed again. Thandiwe held my gaze, flabbergasted.

“Dominique Van Der Merwe, you do not have an umbrella with you right now.”

I blushed at her knowledge and use of my surname but quickly tried to compose myself. “In all honesty Thandiwe. That thing shouldn't be called an umbrella. It's a—”

“Dominique, you've had an umbrella with you this whole time!” Thandiwe laughed in disbelief.

I was about to say more, defend myself but the thunder rumbled. The rain poured heavily, I couldn't hear Thandiwe and she couldn't hear me even through my shouts.

But I heard it in the dead serious look she was giving me. The rain dripping down her dark skin, leaving a glow.

“It's not a helpful umbrella!” I tried to say, but she cut me off with her hand.

I laughed

“Dominique we're soaking!”

“It'll be  no help Thandiwe!”

“It'll be of some help. It's an umbrella.” She pulled a face and I sighed.

“Fine but I warned you.”

I flipped my bag over so that I could pull out the umbrella. The three books in my bag were wet beyond repair, not even the dryer would save the pages but thankfully school was over after the exams.

Through the wet mess, I pulled out my blue umbrella. Thandiwe's brown eyes lit when she saw it, like her saving grace.

She immediately scooted closer as I was about  to open up the umbrella and reveal the problem.

I held up the blue umbrella, untangling it from its strings. The moment the umbrella opened up, it's wings were wide, casting a blue glow upon us but what was glaringly obvious and hard to ignore were the numerous holes spread across the umbrella.

The holes were quite big.

The rain  pelted through the holes of the umbrella so it was  useless.

Thandiwe, with eagerness, waited for  coverage from the umbrella. Her eyes were tightly shut, expecting comfort from the  rain  all around us.

When it didn't happen, she peeked an eye open. Then the other, witnessing how the rain still trickled down my skin even as I held up an umbrella.

She stared up at the umbrella, at loss for words. Her expression was hilarious, she didn't really know what to say or even do with herself.

The rain as I explained to her was still soaking us to the bone because the holes in the umbrella were big and various and —

“How  in the world does that happen to an umbrella?” Thandiwe's eyes met mine, demanding for an explanation.

I laughed,  embarrassed but  amused at the whole situation.

“ Dominique, is this even real life?” An open smile adorned her face, her brown eyes teasing.

“That's why I didn't pull it out. It's useless.”

“Clearly.” She said, gesturing towards the rain that still poured in through the holes.

“No, like seriously. How does this happen?” She held my gaze and for the first time I couldn't hold it, falling into another fit of laughter.

“Please. I wanna know the story.” She pegged on as I decided to walk, holding up the umbrella like it was helping even though it was no help at all.

“A gentleman doesn't kiss and tell.”

She rolled her eyes, amused.

“Dominique, this is too good of a story for me to pass it by. Tell me what you did to your umbrella.”

“How do you know it's a good story? What if it's boring? What if it makes you cry?”

She scoffed, the light in her eyes not dimming for a second. “ Your umbrella has holes in it.It's a good story.”

“It's a terrible story and it brings me to tears. I will not let a girl see me cry.”

She laughed, throwing her head back.

“You can lie and say it's the rain. Perfect timing and besides it already looks like you're crying and sweating.”

We shared a laugh.

Thandiwe stared up at the umbrella again, wordless.The large holes carved in embarrassing ways  made her laugh harder. Her eyes met mine, curious.

“Tell me the story please because  I'm coming up with a million theories and my mind won't be put to rest until I know.”

“ I don't know what happened either. My mother bought it like this. I thought it was the latest fashion.”

I felt how much I was smiling, continuing to act clueless, if only just so I could see her smile in the rain.

It was from there that we started talking again. A lot more freely, with laughter erupting through every sentence and jokes flying left and right.

It was from there where we started to get to know each other— like really know each other, not limited to any questions.

And it was from there as the rain trickled down our cold skin and our eyes met, warm, and close that we started to see each other, like we had always wanted.

Thandiwe could hide, avoid and run but there was no doubt that she, although hesitant about it, always wanted to see me too.

Maybe she wanted me to find her from the very beginning.

It was the smile that she had on her face, her brown eyes still straying to my peculiar umbrella and then flicking back to me.

Once again, she wore her heart in her expressions and as the rain stopped, the air stilling with relief. Thandiwe's eyes met mine, alight and she spoke wordlessly to me.

I'm glad you're here too, I responded inwardly.

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

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