28 November 2023 🥀

"-The fear of abandonment." The article illuminates from the laptop I'm using, contrasting greatly from the dark in my room.

I'm still in my pajamas, sitting by my black desk and I've been scrolling through articles, watching countless YouTube videos all on the looming topic of...

The fear of abandonment

"-is the overwhelming fear that the people you love will leave you physically and/or emotionally."

There that word was again.

Left...

According to the videos I watched and the articles I read, if not cured the fear of abandonment would affect all my relationships.

It was like a looming dark cloud that only you could see and it reminded the inner you about the possibility of the person you love leaving.

People come into your life in one way but leave in a number of ways;almost like your life has a thousand exit doors surrounding you, making it easy for people to leave.

Leave in death.

Leave in breakups.

Leave in distance.

Leave...

I'd just got acquainted with the whole thing but it was clear that it ruled my life. It reigned King and I didn't even know I was hailing it.

I wasn't the type to ever have shaky knees at the possibility of a girl breaking up with me or even care that much if someone decided to stop being my friend.

This fear obviously wasn't as clear as day because no one could catch me dead, biting my teeth and hoping someone stayed.

Instead it was more lethal and quiet like the night, comforting me in how much I was used to it all.

A tired breath tumbles out of my lips and I look away from the laptop. I can't help but notice how the morning light fights its way into the heavy blue curtains of my room but loses against the overwhelming darkness.

I stare at the small light, reflecting on the floor, beckoning for more. Wanting to illuminate, to reveal more of the morning's beauty.

Why don't you have more friends?

The thought comes out of nowhere, unfamiliar like I've been hit by a rock in the head. The thought echoes.

It echoes so much I have to ponder, not think, I have to ponder on it.

It's not like I don't have friends besides Dominique but they're all just the guys. They are nice for a good hang but we all keep our distance.

It's natural, we all keep our distance.

Why were you so comfortable with loving Olivia from afar in the beginning?

Another rock, straight to the head and this time I don't like it. I sigh, wanting to get ready for school but not even having the strength to lift myself off the chair.

Was I really comfortable?

The wind whirls in a little more, making more of the light tease into the room but the heavy curtains push back shunning the light.

"I should get ready for school." I pick myself up, stretching until I hear the satisfying crunch of my stiff bones.

What really stopped you from approaching Olivia in the beginning of the year?

The thought makes me sit back down on the chair, completely exhausted from it all.

It's easy to push thoughts aside sometimes and pretend it's not God but through the years I always knew that it was in the beckoning.

This sort of knocking, thought that was persistent in a patient kind of way, literally knocking on the door of my heart.

Will I let him in?

That was always the question and the answer has sometimes been no and but it was mostly yes. A very hesitant yes because after the knocking comes the interruption.

Why were you comfortable loving Olivia from afar?

It was easier that way, cause then there was no way she'd leave me because she wasn't even there. Because then she'd always be mine in a distant type of way that didn't involve the deepest parts of my life. Because then it'd have been easier to let her go because she'd always be just a pretty face.

All those facts were right but for some reason I knew that it wasn't the answer.

I told you, God speaks.

What?

The answer is in the question.

I think back to everything He said and the word come's back to me with a flood of revelation.

Comfortable.

I was comfortable. I was safe, that's why I loved her from afar.

I feel the welling up of tears but I blink them out of existence. I've cried oceans already and I'm sure that I can cry oceans more but I'll end up drowning in it all.

Safety.

That was fear. Fear was the promise of safety.Living in fear kept you locked into this place of safety keeping threats away.

My threat being abandonment.

I still don't know much, except that I watched countless YouTube videos and read a number of articles so I'm basically a qualified therapist in the matter.

I laugh at my thoughts, and that's when Mkhulu barges into the room like a drunkard.

"Are you blind to the time?!"

Mkhulu's dark eyes flick from the laptop on the black desk then me, then back to it then me.

"Oh, don't tell me you spent all night doing that 36 Questions to fall in love again. What's it gonna be this time, 56 questions to fall in love? 81?"

I laugh." No, I was reading articles."

"On? The only article you should be reading is the article about getting to school on time because you're later than my late grandfather."

More laughter."Don't talk about my great, great, great grandfather like that."

Mkhulu's lips curve into a smile, then he crinkles his nose, staring around the room as if noticing the dark just now.

"What are we doing here? Mourning? Why is it so dark?"

He makes his way further into the room vigorously pulls the blue curtains open. The blinding light meets my weak eyes and I groan looking away.

"Take a shower Leonardo, you should be out in the next ten seconds." With that Mkhulu leaves the room.

My room that's flooded with the morning light, a warm glow cast from the floors to the desk and my bed.

Wasn't it more comfortable for your eyes in the dark?

Another nudge, beckoning me to not push the question aside.

"Yeah it was." I'm smiling as I answer.

It hurt for a second,God states.

"Yeah it did."

But now...

God beckons me asking me what I think of it all and I look around the sunbathed room and it's beautiful.

"It's beautiful, Lord. It's beautiful."

I'm laughing, it's soft, it's real and it's pulled out of the deepest part of me like it doesn't need to be explained.

Son, everything beautiful is on the other side of fear. So beautiful that the safety you were once in looks like madness now.

And as the way of the Lord he brings confirmation. Watching Olivia from afar was fun, sometimes even exciting and it was safe but the day I broke the safety net...

It was the day that something beautiful started between Olivia and I.

And now, the fear of abandonment gave me the easy way out of the troubles between Olivia and I which was to give up. It would be safer that way.Heartbreaking but better than it would be weeks, months or even years from now.

I could keep her as the best memories of my life and that was safe and comforting.

I hated myself for it but I contemplated it for a second until...

Something even more beautiful awaits.

❄️❄️❄️

Dominique walks alongside me by the pavement as we make our way to school. He talks in that loud way that chases all the birds before us, giving me examples of the excuses I could give Olivia.

"-tell her you were in a car accident in which a truck and a car collided right into you," Dominique begins, his green eyes alight.

"Tell her there was so much blood, everywhere but even that didn't stop you from yearning for her love."

What on earth?

" Tell her." He pauses, as if thinking deeply about his next few words.
"-that a few of your bones were broken and when the ambulance came, you asked them to take you nowhere else but to the love of your life."

The laughter tumbles out free and light.

Dominique smiles at me like he's given me life changing advice.

"So." I clear my throat, recovering from the laughter but the smile on my face remains.

" After I tell her all that. How do I explain why I don't even have a sign of a bruise, my bones got restored and I'm back at school like I almost didn't die yesterday."

He pauses, like he's finally thinking over the words that spewed out of his mouth.

"Okay." He clasps his hands together."Tell her you were held at gunpoint and -"

"Or I could tell her the truth."

Dominique sighs, the excitement leaving his eyes. " Yeah she's gonna hate you."

A pang shoots through my heart but I ignore it.

"Thanks for the encouragement." I punch his shoulder.

He groans, attempting to punch me back but I dodge it in time.

We're a few steps closer to school, students of Vestalia high walk along with us in a scattered crowd. A looming feeling settles over my heart but I shake it off.

"Tell her the truth," Dominique says,his eyes meeting mine, honest.

"I will."

He smiles, a carefree look spreading on his face.

" But if that doesn't work you can always use my excuses. Trust me girls have a thing for guys with broken bones."

❄️❄️❄️

The moment I see her it's like my heart takes me back to the moment I first laid eyes on her.

The moment her hiccups were the most annoying thing in the world until my eyes caught the sight of her coffee brown eyes and my anger was shunned, an awakening of something new in me.

She awakened something new in me like it was always there waiting to be watered, to be nurtured. Waiting for her.

She's seated at the back corner of the class,her braids half up half down.

She speaks with Alicia on the desk beside her but something is wrong.

There is not even a whisper of a smile on her soft lips. Even from afar her eyes look dull.

My heart plummets.

Maybe I should do this another time.

The excuses fly out left and right but I push past them walking past the desks and past the other students until I'm right in front of her desk.

Their conversation stops midway and her friend turns to glare at me while Olivia looks down at her desk, hiding her eyes from my view.

"Olivia..." her name feels different on my lips, like I don't deserve to utter it again.

My gaze flicks to Alicia, I'm a little surprised she hasn't cursed me in six different languages yet. She keeps her glare steady and it bothers me, making me fall short of words.

I feel like turning back.

It's like the whole class has gone silent to hear what I have to say to Olivia but it's just my nerves because laughter and chatter still surrounds me.

"Olivia, I'm sorry.I'm sorry for everything that happened yesterday. I don't know what was wrong with me. I should've called. I should've texted you. I should have showed up..."

Olivia lifts her head, her eyes meet mine for a heart stuttering moment. I see in the depth of her dull eyes something I never knew I'd see in her eyes.

Disappointment.

Mkhulu's words from yesterday come back to me, piercing my heart afresh.

"It seems..." Mkhulu continued, somber, "that sweet girl Olivia was wrong about you. You're not the guy she hoped that you were."

Who did she hope I would be?

Her eyes hold mine, glistening with tears but she blinks them back immediately casting her gaze back on the table.

"...It's just the fight we had in the car. The way you behaved with me the past few days. It hurt me and...that's no excuse but."

But what?

I can't defend myself. I'm guilty as charged but I still want her.

Looking down at her right now even the thought of giving up on what we have disgusts me.

I'm not letting go of Olivia, not after everything.

"With the way things ended that day it just felt like we were over."

"-Well you're over now." Alicia speaks up.

I don't think that's fair.

I don't think it's fair for someone who wasn't part of our story until right now to step in and tell me things are over between Olivia and I.

For a second I return Alicia's heard glare but she doesn't back down.

Olivia clears her throat, gaining our attention.

"The examiner is about to be here any moment and I'd really like to focus on my exam Leonardo so could you please leave."

She doesn't even lift her head to speak,like I'm not worth her gaze anymore and maybe I'm not.

The distance in how she says my name isn't missed at all. The dread fills my heart and for a moment I wonder if it really all is over.

"Ok." I nod my head but I'm still standing in place.

Alicia raises her brows, as If asking what I'm waiting for.

"I wish you the best in your exam Olivia."

She nods.

"...you too Alicia."

I turn and walk away feeling like maybe I should have used Dominique's story about the truck and car accident. At least that one would have gotten more reaction from her.

Lisa along with a few friends steps into the classroom right as I'm about to leave.

Her lips curve into a smile,her hazel eyes alight. " Leonardo."

I give her the best smile I can at this moment.

"Lisa. Just Lisa."

She laughs softly ,holding my gaze although I avoid hers.

She moves further into the class talking animatedly with her friends while I step out.

❄️❄️❄️

"Olivia!" I call out to her as I run to catch up.

She steps out of the green school gates along with a few other students. Suddenly everybody is in my way almost like everything is stopping me from getting to her.

"Olivia, wait."

She doesn't but I know that she hears my voice from how fast she's walking. It's only a few seconds later and I'm finally beside her a little out of breath.

She keeps her gaze firmly on the road ahead. "Olivia, what do I have to do for you to forgive me? I'll do anything. Anything."

"..."

"Please, say something to me. Talk to me, yell at me, just give me something Olivia."

"..."

And I go on and on like that for almost the whole walk back home. So much so that my voice is annoying to my ears but through it all Olivia didn't even allow herself to breathe. She kept her distance even from my words and that hurt.

Her silence was a different kind of killer.

Olivia's house lay three blocks away and this was the part where we normally parted ways but how could I when nothing was resolved. Today would be the second day that we missed the question but it wasn't even about the question.She was slipping through my fingers like sand.

Olivia's eyes flicked to mine for the first time since the walk, and her dull and tired eyes mirror mine. My heart yearns for the sight of her sweet smile but it's completely gone like it never existed.

Like she never shared a million of those sweet smiles with me.

Her eyes hold mine almost soulless and for a moment we just stand there.

"This isn't us, Olivia."

"..."

"What happened?Where did it all go wrong?"

"..."

"It can't be over Olive bean do you hear me?"

She casts her gaze away.

" What we have can't be over so soon. I know they say young love doesn't last but that's not us. It's not just young love. It's love that's not bound to age or maturity or circumstances or..." I'm breathless, my words falling short.

"Where were you?" Olivia asks,her gaze burning straight through mine.

Her question fills my heart with dread because Lisa.B's face comes into my mind and I know I didn't do anything wrong with her. It was the fact that I knew she had a crush on me but chose to push that fact aside. The fact that I spent the day with the wrong girl when I should've been with her.

"I'm sorry."

"I didn't ask if you were sorry Leonardo. I asked where you were?"

"Mkhulu and I went to visit an old friend of his."

"Are you just learning that there's something called a cellphone?"

Her words are harsh and so unlike her. I hate that my actions push Olivia to act so unlike her.

I don't want to explain to her that I had actually given up on us but I feel this beckoning in my heart again. This nudging tells me to tell her the whole ugly truth.

God, I can't.

You can.

My eyes water, I blink it back looking at the blue sky as I speak. "The truth is that...I gave up on us yesterday."

Her breath hitches, the brown in the depth of her eyes shatters. I can't bare to see it a second longer.

"I gave up on you and me. I gave up on 36 Questions and everything that had to do with love."

I force my gaze back to hers and she's got tears in her eyes. She purses her lips tightly,as if holding back a cry and the tears in her eyes brim up so manych her eyes are blurred. When the tears slip passed her eyes, my heart feels this deep tugging.

I force my hands into the pockets of my blazer, wanting so badly to wipe her tears away but something tells me I've lost that privilege.

"It's just the way you were treating me. It felt like you didn't want to be with me. You were distancing me and your words all seemed to hold more meaning and I-"

A whimper escapes her lips. She wipes her cheeks, turning her gaze from me.

"I had to forget you to give up on you Olivia. So I spent the day avoiding the topic of you and everything that had to do with you. I kept my distance from Dominique as well. I escape because that was the only way I could give up."

"..."

"Olivia when I saw your missed calls. I couldn't pretend anymore and later on some amazing people in my life reminded me of what it meant when I said I loved you."

She arches her brow.

"What I'm trying to say is that I love you even now. That yesterday I gave up on us only because I tried to forget but when I think about you, when I really sit with the thought of you there's no way I can ever let you go. I want you wholeheartedly just like I did from day one and I'm hoping that you'll take me back. That we can start over back to when it was easier and we both let each other in."

She says nothing. Her tears have run dry,her cheeks still tear stained but she makes no move to leave.

She just stands there staring at me and I stare back at her waiting, hoping...

"You said, you'll do anything for me to forgive you right Leonardo."

I nod, my tongue getting drier by the second.

"Then leave me alone.You'll be forgiven and it'll make my life so much easier."

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

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