As Mkhulu  drives us  back home I keep my eyes on the setting sun. Its orange flames simmer into the horizon signifying how close  we  are to the end of the day.

It feels like a hand has tightened around my heart. This hand will not relent, instead it gets tighter and tighter building up something within me and making every breath I struggle to take, shudder.

The drives I have with Mkhulu normally relax me but today my heart finds no sense of ease. The sky tints to a darker shade of blue.

I've never wanted to reverse time more than I do right now. I've never wanted to tell the sun to go back up like this.

Or at least make it stop.

To distract myself from the unease in my heart, I pull my phone out for a moment. It's been off for a long time. Once turned off, my heart almost leaps off my chest from the notifications I see.

17 missed calls from Olivia

The hand in my heart tightens even more.

Punishing.

My breaths don't feel like mine anymore.They're stolen each time like I don't deserve them but I clench my fists, strengthening myself.

I forcefully try to calm my heart, breathing deeply but nothing's working.

With the little strength I have left, my eyes drift to my grandfather.

“Could you pull over Mkhulu.”

His eyes go over all of me, concern etched on his face. “We're almost home, just this road then the next.”

“Please.”

“Leonardo,” he consoles, “ we're in the middle of the road.”

“It’s empty. Please Mkhulu, pull over. I need to breathe.”

He stops the car immediately, with a screeching sound. I step out of the car, welcoming the fresh air that surrounds me.

I'm standing at the back of the car because I don't want Mkhulu to see me like this. I’m heaving heavily, my chest having a mind of its own.

Is this what heartbreak feels like?

Is it always this dramatic, this world ending, this body shaking?

It's like my heart has been torn open and it's left bare, bleeding.

Bleeding for Olivia although she's very much alive but at this moment sort of dead to me.

I want to cry but the tears don't come. It's frustrating how the tears won't fall when I want them to.

You hear that tears!

I want you to fall now!

But it doesn't happen, instead this heaving continues like my very breaths are enough of a cry.

Maybe this is also a punishment. A punishment for all the suppressing I've been doing. Suppressing my tears, my pain and emotions.

Suppressing my love.

Suppressing.

I feel his strong hands on my shoulders before I see him. Mkhulu tightens his hands on my shoulders and unlike the hand in my heart, it doesn't feel punishing, it's comforting and present.

He doesn't say anything and I don't want him to but when I turn to face him, his piercing stare says it all.

I'm the one who caused this heartbreak. It might have started out with Olivia, and her pushing me away but I ended it. I sealed the matter.I pulled the trigger.

It's at that moment, when all these thoughts swirl through my mind that I see the sun has fully set.

It's over.

The darkness of the night hangs over us, heavy in this desolate road. The full moon on the other hand shines in  its  full  glory but even that brings no hope in my situation.

It's over.

The hand on my chest has released almost like its  job is done. The unease stays but it's no more painful, it's more numb like a part of me. Like an untreated injury that if you leave alone for long enough won't hurt the same as long as you don't touch it.

It's over.

Mkhulu's stare isn't one bit condemning. I can see it in his eyes that he's just trying to make sense of me, that he feels my pain as deeply as I do.

“It's over Mkhulu.” My voice cracks at the end. He pulls me in for a hug and this would be the perfect time to break down but I don't.

I can't.

I've suppressed so much it feels like I'll never be able to feel again. Not without a struggle. Not without a fight.

Instead my heart is numb from the pain as Mkhulu holds me, like my very life line.

“We've got to get home,” he says as he pulls away, determination in his eyes.

I nod.

Mkhulu half runs, half walks back around the car almost like getting home has suddenly become urgent.

I'm walking slower, less interested and Mkhulu raises his brow once I pass the car.

“Get in, Leonardo!”

“I want to walk home.”

He tightens his hold on the steering wheel, wanting so much to fight me on this matter but as he takes another look at me, he sighs, his resolve breaking.

“Fine.”

I give him the best smile I can muster up at this moment and start walking right down the empty road. The stars hang over my head in the sky, more taunting than beautiful.

It's actually over.

Mkhulu starts the car  and starts driving.I'm expecting him to zoom past me any moment from now.

What I don't expect is for his car to pull up beside me, driving right by me with the windows rolled down.

It's an extremely slow pace, in order to keep up with me.Mkhulu's eyes hold mine as I glance at him, disbelief colouring my face.

He smiles, a real, raw heartwarming smile. And it's like he's telling me the same way he did when I was fourteen that he's right here.

I'm walking into the night and Mkhulu drives right beside me, the silence comforting and safe.

❄️❄️❄️

We're at the doorstep, Mkhulu keys the door open but before he pulls it open, he looks at me.

“Sometimes what you want is not what you need. Sometimes what you need is not what you want and sometimes the two are aligned.”

Huh?

Mkhulu chuckles at the expression on my face.

“Let's get in, shall we?”

As we walk further into the house, past the kitchen, I can hear the soft murmuring of the television. As well as loud laughter. It can only be—

“Surprise!!”

Dominique, dressed in his blue pajamas , poses in that way superheroes do.

“What are you doing here?”

Mkhulu is  full blown smiling, like he's been holding this in for a while now.

“And I'm not the only one here.” Dominique smirks, secrecy dancing in his eyes.

My heart stops, a pause of underlying excitement.

I'm walking past him before he can say anymore, down the hallway where the sound of  the television playing gets clearer and clearer.

When I'm in the living room, my eyes desperately search and I spot someone completely different than who I hoped it would be.

I'm also shocked this person is here, sitting on my couch and casually dressed in a yellow onesie.

“Oh, it's just you.”

Dominique steps in beside me, laughing. Mkhulu trails in after him, lightly smacking his head.

Pastor John’s blue eyes dance with amusement, his lips twitching into a smile. “ Sorry I'm such a disappointment.”

“No it's not that—”

I  wish you were someone else.

Pastor John chuckles, standing up to greet Mkhulu  with a firm handshake.

He turns and says something to me but my brain doesn't process it.

All I can think about is that my Pastor is in my living room, dressed in a yellow onesie. This sight before my eyes should be forbidden.

How will I be able to take him seriously again?

I can't help but chuckle at this and my eyes immediately meet with Dominique’s eyes and then we're both laughing.

“Did I say something funny?” Pastor John looks  to Mkhulu.

Dominique and I stop laughing  moments later, satisfied smiles on our faces.

“ Dude, I didn't know your church was this fun. Your Pastor wears yellow onesies.”

“I didn't know my church was this fun, either.”

“You think I sleep in a suit?” Pastor John cuts in, amused.

“No but I didn't think it'd be, this”I gesture towards his outfit.

Everyone laughs.

“We're straying off topic,” Mkhulu finally speaks up.

Yeah, explain to me why my Pastor and bestfriend are in our house at night, when the only thing I want to do is sleep.

“We’ll talk once you guys put on your pajamas.” Dominique clarifies.

“Is this a pajama party?” I'm stupefied.

“No.” Pastor John holds my gaze, secrecy dancing in his blue eyes.

He smiles at me, that smile that holds meaning and tells you that everything will be more than alright.

“Think of it like a pajama intervention.”

❄️❄️❄️

I hate it when people beat around the bush. They're talking to you  around the subject they want to talk about and never really direct.It's irritating and confusing but how much more is it now…

Words cannot explain.

So after putting on my pajamas, which was not a onesie. I met Mkhulu, Dominique and Pastor  John in the dining room, all of them watching a stand up comedy special.  They had five big bowls of popcorn and chips laid out on the coffee table with cooldrinks in cans.

They were all laughing their heads off, Dominique louder than the rest, Pastor John's cheeks flushed red  and Mkhulu's laugh more gruff.

I cleared my throat, gaining their attention and three sets of eyes met me.

“Dude,” Dominique looked bewildered, “ why did you take so long?You don't have to look pretty for us.We love you just the way you are.”

“Hush now boy,” Mkhulu silenced Dominique,the way he always liked to do.

“Come join us,” Pastor John beckoned me over. “We were waiting for you before we started the movie.”

Movie??!!

“Look, guys I hope you don't take this wrong way-” I began.

“—oh, we're taking this the worst way.”Dominique cut in, smirking.

“I've had a really long day. I'm extremely tired and tomorrow's school. So I've got to prepare my brain for…stuff.”

“Stop being an old man,” Mkhulu teases me. “ Come watch the movie with us. You can sleep for three years if you want to after that.”

It was three against one and it's not everyday that your Pastor visited you  dressed in a onesie.

❄️❄️❄️

Now, here I am, seated on the grey couch in-between Mkhulu and Dominique. We're watching, Horse dude—the movie.

It's a comedy about an awkward man who was bitten by a horse after provoking the horse and then three days later he started to crave hay, becoming as strong as a horse and neighing after every sentence.

It's no surprise that Dominique is the one who chose the movie but everyone seems to be enjoying it.

We're still waiting for his full transformation then he'll be the official superhero, horse dude.

Pastor John's blue eyes flick to mine during the movie and it bothers.

It bothers me because I know Mkhulu well and he wouldn't randomly decide to have movie night when I'm heartbroken like this.

It's no random thing that both Dominique and Pastor John are here on the same night but with the way they're laughing their lungs out you would think that I am insane.

Instead of beating around the bush, these three men are dancing around the bush and they are having so much fun with it.

Especially Dominique, he has that mischievous look dancing in his green eyes every time he talks to me about the movie, knowing full well I'd rather talk about something else.

It seems like they're all waiting for something.

I'm not sure why I'm thinking this but halfway through the movie, Mkhulu's tapping his hand on his lap, rather impatient.

Pastor John's stares become more frequent and nerve-wracking and Dominique's laughter feels more exaggerated.

Help me God. Are these people mentally stable?

I pull out my phone, to check the time and the number on the clock makes my heart stop and my stomach drop.
00:15

It's fifteen minutes past twelve.

It's actually over.

Everything completely blurs away. The laughter, the movie and all I can think is that the day is over.

It's over.

Olivia and I went strong despite everything that life threw at us these past twenty six days. No matter what, we never missed a day. We never missed a question.

But today, it's all over because of me…

All those twenty six days of sharing our heart and soul have come to nothing.

“I need the bathroom.”I get up before anyone can answer, leaving the dining room in a half run.

When I make it to the bathroom, I shut the door behind me. My  palms flat on the door with my head hung low and I'm heaving.

I have this overwhelming, soul consuming urge to cry but I can't.

Instead, I'm heaving, struggling and barely hanging on to the next breath.

Olivia and I are over.

Then there's frantic knocking on the door that jolts my numb heart.

“Leonardo!” Dominique calls out.

“Yes..”

“Are you in there?”

“No this is just a recording?” I roll my eyes.

“Could you step out?” There's uncertainty in his voice.

“No.” I deny him.

“Nah, man I really need to use the toilet.”

“Dominique, please stop lying, we both know you don't need to use the toilet.”

He sighs, I hear him slumping down the door. I take a seat on the cold bathroom floor.

“It's over.” My voice echoes into the bathroom, vulnerable.

“Giving up?This isn't you Leonardo.”

“...”

“It doesn't have to be over. What did I tell you about making decisions while being emotional? Sad boys make mad choices.”

The laughter dies in my throat.

“And the fact that you made this decision without me. I'm actually hurt.”

His voice holds no humour in it.

“I knew that you'd convince me otherwise.”

“So why didn't you let me?”

“Because I already made up my mind.”

“Because you were scared…”

I hold in a groan, “ Why does everyone keep saying that? Scared of what?!”

“You tell me.”

“...”

“Olivia called me as well, you know.”

I have so many conflicted feelings, my heart races as if yearning just from the sound of her name.

“What did she say?”

“She…she told me that—”

“Never mind. I don't wanna know.” My tongue is extremely dry, my heart beating wildly.

Dominique ticks, sounding annoyed.

“You don't do that to people,” his voice is hard, rough and humourless. “ You don't ignore them the way you did to Olivia.That's wrong on so many levels. You don't tag people long only to leave them hanging…”

His words shame me with a harsh piercing reality of how this day went for Olivia. Although she was pushing me away, she showed up every single time. She stayed and what did I do?

I left her, ignored her and gave up on her.

“Why did you do that to her?”Dominique’s voice is raw, like he's hurt.

I know that he loves Olivia like a sister.I’ve seen it in the way he looks at her, teasing her the same way he does with his cousin, Miranda.I know that he's protective of her in ways he isn't even aware of yet.

Why did I do this to her?

“I don't know…”

“You do know.You just don't want to admit it.”

“Fine!You want to know the truth. I didn't want her to have to know I gave up! I don't want her to ever have to know I gave up…”

“Then you don't have to give up,” Dominique’s tone is softer.

“It's already done, Dominique. It's done.”

We stay quiet for the next moments, the silence settling over us, settling over me, condemning.

“So Mkhulu told you?” I try to make conversation.

“Yeah. And Pastor John.”

“Why him?”

“You'll see but you have to step out of the bathroom for that. And I know I was lying in the beginning but I drank six cans of cooldrinks and this tank is ready to burst so if you don't —”

I pull the door open, Dominique, who is seated by it, falls  back first on the bathroom floor, smiling up at me.

“Thank you, brochacho.”

❄️❄️❄️

Mkhulu and Pastor John are still on the couch, talking. Horse Dude the movie has been paused in a comical moment.

Pastor John's blue eyes are the first to meet mine, he pauses mid sentence.

“ Isn't there a verse in the bible about sleeping early because I'm exhausted.”

“Well you're not sleeping until we've resolved this matter,” Mkhulu cuts in, a no nonsense look on his face.

I feel like throwing my body on the bed and succumbing to the comfort of sleep but instead I have to talk about my feelings…

Pure torture.

“Come sit here,” Mkhulu pats the seat beside him.

Being stubborn, I choose the couch across from both of them. “Why did you have to tell Pastor John about all this Mkhulu?”

It's the question that's been running through my mind, since I saw my Pastor in his yellow onesie.

“Why not?” Mkhulu's amused by my embarrassment.

“Why Mkhulu, because now Pastor will write a whole sermon about me this Sunday and I'll have to sit there and pretend like I don't know who he's talking about when I know he's clearly talking about me—”

Pastor John and Mkhulu both erupt in laughter, making me burn with embarrassment.

“That's not how I plan my sermons young man,” Pastor John is still recovering from his bout of laughter, cheeks reddened.

“I've emptied the tank!” Dominique calls out, walking into the living room with a broad smile. “Let's dive into this drama shall we!”

Dominique takes a seat beside me and it's now like a full circle with all four of us sharing looks with each other.

As irritated as I was about all this, at least they are  not dancing around the bush anymore.

“So has the Pajama intervention finally begun?” I query, staring at all three of them.

“Why don't we start from the very beginning, Leonardo.” Pastor John states.

“Don't leave out the details,” Dominique adds,” like going to the toilet or brushing your teeth. We need to know everything.”

Pastor shakes his head, amusement gleaming in his eyes as he stares at Dominique.

Mkhulu stays quiet and it's unnerving.

“Telling you everything is a bit too broad, could you make it simpler. More straight to the point.”

Pastor John nods. “What have you given up on?”

Clearing my throat, I find myself not being able to meet anyone’s eye anymore.

“Love.”

“And you're sure it's love that you feel for this girl?”

“Yes.” It hurts me how it feels like nobody believes me anymore.

“Why have you given up?”

This feels less like an intervention and more like an interrogation.

“Because….”

“Because of what?” Pastor John beckons me,his blue eyes patient.

“Fear,” Mkhulu mutters and it makes my chest flare.

“I'm  not scared of anything,” I  retort,”If people want to  leave I'm not going to stop them anymore.”

“So this is because she isn't with you?” Pastor John questions, like he's drawing from every word I say.

“Yes, she's distant.”

“You liar,” Dominique interjects in, his eyes accusing.

“What are you talking about?” I stare at him, the tension between us growing.

“Olivia was always there for you and you know it. She was there when you pushed her away, when you were in your moods and that painful time with your mother. She stuck with you through it all even though you didn't want to tell her what was going on. She pleaded with me everyday so that I could tell her what's going on because she wanted to be there with you. So stop lying about Olivia. She was there.Even today at the park. She was there. You want to know who wasn't there, it was you…”

The silence echoes, condemning and heavy. I hang my head in shame, looking down while I feel all of them looking at me. My eyes brim with the tears I've been wanting to cry out for a while but they stay in my eyes.

The hand in my heart tightens, unforgiving. It feels like my heart is about to burst.

“We're not here to make you feel bad, son.” Pastor John consoles.

“Dominique,” Mkhulu beckons, “ let's leave Pastor John and Leonardo alone for a moment.”

Dominique gives my shoulder  a squeeze before getting up and leaving the room. Their footsteps echoe out of the living room.

“What's the real reason you've given up Leonardo?” Pastor John's deep voice reverberates through the silence.

He stares at me in that way he always does, like he sees something the whole world is blind to.

The silence settles over us,thoughtful.

“...She's never  pushed me away.”

The truth is thrown out in the open, bare.I withhold the churning and welling up of emotions.

“I understand,” Pastor consoles,” it scared you didn't it?”

I hesitate until, “ yes…”

“Why?”

“Because Olivia's always been very open with me, willing to share it all and I never felt like I had to do much for her to open up but now that she pushed me away disregarded my words. It's like she was giving me a sign that she's leaving but in a slower, more tortuous way.”

“Do you remember what I told you weeks ago at church when you told me about her.”

I smile, nodding.

❄️

"Your grandfather told me you're pursuing a sweet girl."

"That old man. He talks too much." I teased, making the Pastor laugh.

"If you truly want to love her. You're gonna open up your heart to God so he can love you. Because Loved people love people.”

                              ❄️

“You told me that loved people love people.”

“What's the greatest love according to the word of God?”

The verse comes to mind after only a few seconds, “There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”

Pastor John smiles, clasping his hand together.“Love is a four letter word, broken down into a four worded phrase found in the bible. Which is to ‘lay down one's life.’”

“...”

“How does God prove his love for us Leonardo? He sent his son, Jesus to lay down his life and die for our sins. What If I told you that the cross wasn't the only place that Jesus laid his life down at.”

“...”

“The bible says he healed all the diseased from the blind to the lame. He freed those possessed by demons, he preached about the Kingdom of heaven and performed miracles. Jesus, the son of God came to earth to serve, he laid down his life everyday choosing to do good for those around him…That is love.”

“ I hear you but how does this relate to me?”

Pastor John chuckles, a blissful sound. “ Leonardo, lay down your life doesn't always mean dying. Before you're ready to die for someone, you have to be ready to live for them.Stay with them.”

"Pastor John, you don't understand. The way she's distancing herself, the ways she's pushing me away. I'm trying —"

“Lay down your life, Leonardo. That is the answer to your question. Love is a sacrifice, it's a fight but it never fails. The reason the bible says love never fails is because it will be tested and true love will always pass.”

“But what about —”

“Lay down your life.” he cuts me off.

“And she's never —”

“Lay down your life.”

“Is that gonna be your answer to—”

“Lay down your life.”

He  smiles at me, fully enjoying this whole thing and the two of us share a laugh.

“ You're not going to always feel like it. That's not how my marriage has lasted and that's why I'm still happily married. You're never gonna feel like laying down your life but when it's love, the feelings aren't gonna be your drive.”

"I hear you, Pastor John."

“Leonardo, I can't force you to change your decision. Your grandfather told me everything but I knew that I didn't come here to change your mind. I just came here to help you see clearly, the rest is up to you…”

“How?”

“With this, when do you push people away?”

I'm confused by his question, until. “...When I'm hurt.”

“What do people who are hurt need even when they deny it.”

“...love.”

He smiles at me, like he's drawn out something deep from within me out into the surface. “ Lay down your life for Olivia Leonardo.”

His blue eyes hold mine for a moment, as if making sense of all my chaos in one look.

“Laying down your life won't always look the same. Sometimes at home, I volunteer to do the dishes when I can see that my wife is tired. Or go for that morning run with her even though my bones are crying no. Sometimes it's reading that story out to my daughter before she falls asleep even though I've read it a billion times and I think I hate anything that has to do with princesses and dragons now."

We share a good laugh and it simmers down, the smiles staying on our faces.

"For you Leonardo, laying down your life  means something else.”

“Like what?”

“You'll have to figure that out.”

“And Leonardo you're a child of God, you are literally called to love because you serve a God that is love. So when you love it won't come from an empty place but from God within you, that's where you draw love from. You are called to love.”

Pastor John and I continue to talk, I become a little bit more open and the two of us unpack this whole Olivia thing together. His blue eyes hold mine with this deep knowing. He shares knowledge and wisdom for me, ending it all with a much needed prayer. I think what I like the most is that he doesn't ask me if I've changed my decision, he lets me sit with everything he's given me, leaving it up to me.

“Oh, and Leonardo,” he says,” your grandfather was right. Although you might not want to hear it. You made this decision out of fear.”

“...”

“The fear of abandonment almost made me lose my wife, close myself off to all my friends and lead a lonely life. We don't make decisions out of fear, we make them out of love.”

“Okay Pastor,” I breathe, taking in his words.

“Don't let the fear of abandonment rule your life, it's a terrible thing to live subject to. A terrible thing.” There's an underlying bitterness to his tone as he says the last words.

“One last thing,” Pastor John says, a tender note to his voice, “ Do you love Olivia?”

I don't even have to think about this but I do, and it's easy and familiar. All the thoughts and emotions I've been suppressing the whole day for her come back in a flood.

All the words we shared, the kisses and just her..

Young love's simple pleasures are the memories that make you feel alive from reliving through it all. With my eyes wide open, everything between Olivia and I flashes before my eyes, beautiful and I know….

I know, with this deep knowing that feels like it's been drawn out from my soul that I can't give up on her.

That I won't.

That it's not over, because I see a future with this girl. And my eyes flutter shut, the tears brimming through my eyes and an image of Olivia in a white dress comes to mind…

The bliss of love settles in my heart, anew washing away the pain and the numbness. Pastor John stares at me like he sees all that I see. Like he saw Olivia in that white dress, walking towards me.

“I do. I love Olivia with every bone in my body , every shattered piece of my heart and all of my soul.”

Pastor John smiles, like he believed me all along. “Lay down your life for her.”

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

Hey guys, I was actually supposed to post more chapters yesterday but I fell asleep. I was so exhausted, I couldn't even think. Anyway, I'm posting all of them now.

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