❄️ Dedicated to @Nwanna13 💓

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Right after Olivia said she wanted to go home, the cracks in my heart deepened, connecting to the already broken parts of me.

It was easy to say Olivia's love brought a sweet type of healing to some of my hurts but the past few days it seemed that her love also brought its fair share of hurts and disappointments.

I stayed quiet and we waited for the long line to move in the painful silence. We didn't dare meet each other's eyes but I somehow knew that the same tears I had in my eyes,she also held.

Once paid for, we piled the groceries into the trolley. She did most of it because I didn't want her to have to argue with me about how the cleaning products can't be near the cold drinks or something like that.

I pushed the heavy trolley, Olivia trailing behind me in silence, a coldness settled over my heart.

We found Dominique right outside the store, looking out of breath, his cheeks flushed red like he had just run a marathon.

When I questioned him about it, he looked me in the eyes and said, "Six days."

I scoffed, walking ahead with the six plastic bags of groceries in my hands. Olivia kept a good pace behind me; Dominique helped her carry some of the bags.

We loaded everything into the boot of the car in silence. Dominique noticed the tense atmosphere and he tried to meet my eye, prodding me to tell him what was going on but I ignored him.

I was tired of the secrets.
Tired of the blank spaces, tired of the confusion and feeling like I'm fighting in a dark room, not really knowing what I'm facing.

Here we are now, all of us stepping into the car, Dominique in the backseat and Olivia beside me in the passenger seat.

My heart deflates from the tense atmosphere that contrasts so greatly with how everything was before. The radio is off so the silence echoes.

I place my hands on the wheel, Olivia's words echoing in my mind.

"I want to go home."

"-I'm trying my hardest right now Olivia, burning holes through my brain trying to figure out why on earth you're mad at me."

"..."

She keeps her head down, eyes trained on her lap as she twiddles with her fingers.

"Is it because I took you out on a Saturday?"

Olivia stays quiet, angering me even more.

She's hurting me and she doesn't even tell me why?

"Is it because of my clinginess?Am I to clingy, am I not clingy enough?"

"..."

"Is it the incessant phone calls and the long texts?"

"Olivia please," I hate how desperate my voice sounds to my ears, but I still get nothing from Olivia.

"Talk to me. Yell at me. Tell me you hate me or I'm irritating but something not this..."

Her gaze shifts from her lap to the window beside her and if she could, she'd turn her back to me right now.

"Leo," Dominique cuts in, his voice soft.

He's telling me to stop, to not go there and that I might regret something.

I ignore him completely, my eyes focus on Olivia who refuses to even breathe in my presence.

" I feel like I'm missing a chapter." The frustration within begs to burst out of me in a flurry of heartfelt words but how can I, when I don't even feel like she's listening.

Is she still listening like she was before, in the very beginning, around day one, day ten and day twenty where I could literally see her brown eyes take in the very essence of my words.

She'd drink in my 'I love you's like it was everything she wanted to hear but now...

She can't even accept that I'd like to share her pain. She can't accept any word I give her, nothing.

"Is it because I said I love you?"

"..."

"Leonardo," Dominique continues to chide, gentle and uncomfortable.
I know he doesn't want to be here but I know he doesn't want to leave either.

But I'm frustrated with him as well, so I ignore him.

"What? Do girls not like that anymore?"

It's getting harder to speak, it's like my throat is clogged with overwhelming emotions that could never be put into words. My eyes burn with tears but with everything in me I won't let them fall.

"Is it because I kissed you a little too early?"

I'm racking my brain with everything, every detail, anything that I might have done wrong but once again I'm burning holes through my brain not finding anything.

Olivia's distance is out of nowhere. This behaviour,this coldness towards me is like a meteor from space that came out of nowhere.

"Please Olive bean," I say softer, " I'll fix it. Whatever it is, I'll fix it but the first step is telling me."

Her silence pierces me and before I know it, I've slammed the steering wheel and I'm yelling.

" So this is how you solve your problems huh?! Avoidance! The silent treatment!"

She whips her head to me, and our eyes meet for the first time since she said she wanted to go home, fiery.

"I don't give you the permission to yell at me, Leonardo. Ok."

"...Fine. I'm sorry," a moment, " And I don't give you the permission to hurt me Olivia."

"I said I wanted to go home!" Now she's yelling,her anger is new to me.

There's still that softness to her voice,like her voice can't go any higher but the look on her face is enough to convey how furious she is.

I'm about to snap back but I'm cut off by and even angrier Dominique.

"No!" He silences us, breathing heavily. "Enough of this! I'm not going to continue to sit here and watch two people I love fight."

From the rear view mirror I can see that Dominique's face is flushed with anger.

My stomach drops, the guilt settling over me.

"Tell your friend that I want to go home." Olivia speaks to Dominique and I know that I'm the same guy who was hurting from her silence but her words hurt even more.

Her words distance us, and make it seem like all those intimate moments we had with each other were just in my imagination. That this whole 36 Questions didn't happen and I'm still the same Leonardo who watches Olivia from afar.

Dominique rubs his face, with both hands,not handling all this well. "Leonardo, take her home."

"But-"

"Just take her home, man."

Through the rear view mirror both Dominique and I hold eye contact, understanding flashing in our eyes.

I sigh, helpless. "Fine."

I start the car, and drive. Dominique reaches from behind and turns on the radio playing a song. It's too happy for everything that's happened right now and the beat is faster than the singer. I think we can all agree that the song sucks but it's better than the silence which reminds us that this..

This is not us.

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"Stop here." Olivia tells me, and I slow the car down. We're by the bench she sat on hours ago. She doesn't do anything for a moment,even when the door is unlocked.

She sighs, "Goodbye Dominique."

"Bye Olivia, sleep tight ok."

No one mentions to Dominique that it's still the afternoon but a small smile touches Olivia's face...

She has her hand on the door handle, getting ready to step out, my heart clenches.

She stops, turning her head and her eyes meet mine again. Her brown eyes swirl with a million and one emotions, all of them calling out to me, asking me to understand.

I see it in the depth of her eyes, her silent explanation for her behaviour but it isn't enough.

I'm still left in the dark.

After a moment, of her eyes holding mine I think she understands that too because she blinks and it's gone.

She's distant again, sadder.

"Bye, Leo."

Then she steps out of the car and leaves.

I watch her walk away, down the pavement, and past the bench. She doesn't turn back even once, she walks further and further away from me.

From the distance I see her step into her house.

Dominique steps out of the car and shuts the door. He gets into the front seat but stays silent.

I start driving and I feel him looking at me even though I'm staring only at the road ahead.

"So you're not going to tell me why my favourite couple fought right in front of me."

"I don't even know what happened, Dominique."

"Ok but why were you ignoring me? For a second I thought I became invisible like that movie I watched, it was really good but that's not the point right now."

"Because I'm mad at you too."

"Me?!" He's baffled, hand touching his heart.

His expression is exaggerated and it makes me chuckle.

"Yes. You and your mysterious vibes lately."

"Mysterious vibes?!"

I laugh a little more. " Yes, and stop making me laugh.I'm trying to be mad at you."

"How can you be mad at me, man. I'm your soul brother."

More laughter. " Every time I ask you a question lately, the answer is always eight days, seven days, six days. When is this day coming?!"

"So in other words," he smirks, "you're impatient."

I sigh, swerving the car to the left. "I'm just frustrated."

"Another word for impatient."Dominique cuts in.

" I feel left in the dark."

"Very, very impatient."

"It's like I missed a chapter in my life."

"All I hear is impatient." He enunciates the word.

We share a look, and the both of us burst with guffaws of laughter. It dies down to soft sighs.

"She's hurting Dominique and she doesn't want to let me in and that hurts."

Dominique nods. " Look man about this impatience of yours I'm not going to lessen the time of telling you. Don't be a big baby ok."

I scoff, " ok."

"Good, now I want to help you with whatever just happened right now. I can't walk you down the aisle if there's no bride."

"..."

"Leo, you're going to tell me everything from the very beginning. And I mean beginning beginning. From the day you were born -No from the book of Genesis."

I chuckle. " It started the night we went to the Karaoke restaurant."

Dominique laughs. "What bible are you reading?"

"Just listen ok," the smile on my face is unfightable.

"Ok I'm listening but after this you're going to tell what bible you've been reading. I've read almost all of the versions and none of them start with a karaoke restaurant."

"Just stop Dominique, ok." I can't help but laugh at his antics.

Judging from the smile on Dominique's face I can tell that that's all he wanted to do. He wanted to make me laugh.

" Since that night it feels like her words all mean more than one thing. And I just can't forget how she said my name, so very distant..." I relay the whole story to Dominique and he listens, nodding from time to time but keeping his comments to himself.

"Wow!" he breathes, when I'm finally done with the story.

"Yep."

"So Lisa.B huh," he smirks. "You're stealing all the girl's hearts Leonardo. Please leave some for us, we also want to live our lives as if it were a romance book."

"Just help me." The desperation taints my words like an accent.

"Why is she even called Lisa.B it sounds so wrong. Is she the only person with a surname? I have a surname too but you don't hear me telling people to call me Dominique. V. What about you? It would be Leonardo.J-"

The only reason people at school called Lisa.B, Lisa.B is because Vestalia high happens to have more than a dozen girls named Lisa. I swear in almost every class in the entire school, you'll find a girl named Lisa.

So the teachers and the students started calling the Lisa's by their surname so that they could know who they were talking to.

In grade 12 we have Lisa.T, Lisa.D, Lisa.K and lastly Lisa Bokamoso.

"We're straying off topic." I cut into Dominique's ramblings and my thoughts.

"We're not. I'm not giving you advice when I'm just as confused as you. I don't want to tell you to go left and left is what leads to your death."

"Then what was the whole point of me telling you this?

"That's the wrong question. The question you're supposed to ask is, 'What are you going to do about it'.

"..."

"Ask it?"

I'm confused. " Ask what Dominique?"

"The right question."

I groan," Talking to you is like a mental exercise but fine. What am I going to do about it?"

Dominique stares at me for a good second without saying anything at all.

"Nothing." He whispers, dramatically like he just made all my problems disappear.

"If you were a therapist I'd kick you off your chair, throw your notes in your face, take back the money I payed you and take all of your money."

Dominique laughs, the sound echoing in the dull car, making it alive again. I  laugh along with him.

He's generous like that.
Dominique's generous with his joy and his laughter. You'll never see him laughing alone.

He never keeps jokes to himself, he lets everybody in on the inside joke so much so that it has to be called an outside joke because of how many people know about it.

His smiles are contagious and he's like that good serving of sugar in your coffee.

Sometimes I want to be more like him.

More funny,  easy going and  carefree.
More happy.

Sometimes I want to be less of me.

Less of the mess that I am.

Less angry.

Less of the sad story I feel I am.

Less of a walking mistake who will never know who his father is.

Less of everything that makes up me.

Maybe then Olivia would open up. She's not perfect and I wouldn't want her to be but there's something so wonderful about her.

Maybe I'm really not meant for her and this is God's way of-

"Anyway," Dominique clasps his hands like he's making a speech, " what I'm trying to say is that sad boys make mad choices."

I blink, trying to catch up with the conversation.

"Just sleep on this. Don't decide anything. Don't get too much in your head. Eat a nice big meal, pray and go to sleep."

I want to object, tell him he's crazy but what else is there for me to do. I'm helpless,  emotionally exhausted and -

"...Ok."

Dominique breathes, his green eyes gleaming, glad that I've taken his advice.

And then he smiles, that easy smile of his that says ' everything is more than ok.'

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"Mkhulu, help me get the rest of the groceries please." I'm carrying about six plastic bags in both my arms as I enter the house, I drop them by the kitchen.

Mkhulu is already outside, but he's not taking the groceries from the boot, instead he's walking around the car,his cane clanging on the cement ground.

" No scratches." He states, sounding a little surprised.

I laugh, taking more of the plastic bags from the boot.

"What did you expect?"

"A dent, a missing wheel and a broken window." He takes a good amount of plastic bags and walks with me to the house.

"So what you're saying is that you're proud of me."

"No. I'm saying God answered my prayers."

We laugh.

When we're done bringing all the groceries in, Mkhulu and I silently pack everything into the kitchen cabinets and the fridge. Mkhulu grunts a sound of approval from time to time when he sees I've bought the more than right product.

Not my words,his.

But those are only there because Olivia helped me pick the right choices.

Olivia...

The way she said goodbye to me today...it felt final. It reminded me of when my mother left me recently.

Goodbye Leonardo.

It's late evening now, the sun has set and it's like this has been the longest day of my life. Mkhulu's in the dining room watching a Documentary and I'm in the kitchen, in my pajamas wiping the last plate.

"Finally done washing the dishes," I place the last plate in the cabinet with the rest of the plates. My shoulders cry for the relief of rest, an aching feeling spreading through my bones.

I turn off the lights in the kitchen, taking tired steps to my bedroom. "Goodnight Mkhulu!"

"Good night!"

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I've thrown myself on the bed, my bones sigh at the softness of it. I close my eyes but sleep doesn't come. I lay there in the darkness, my thoughts overwhelming but slow.

It's impossible to overthink when I'm tired, the thoughts are still there but are a lot more slower.

I feel like crying but it doesn't happen, it stays a feeling.

It's moments like these when I'm at my weakest that my thoughts trail to every dark place. To all the places I swear I'd never go to.

To things that remind me of my mother.

To things that tell me I'm a living mistake, that-

The door creaks open, my body tenses but I keep my eyes shut. I hear his footsteps, slow and cautious.

The bed compresses with his weight as he sits down. He places his hand on my back, his deep voice reverberates in the silence of the night.

"Are you going to tell me what's wrong or are we going to keep pretending?"

My eyes well up with tears but I blink them back.

"Judging from your silence. I see you've chosen pretending."

The tears slip past my eyes, falling onto my pillow. " It was three days ago." I rasp out.

"...three days ago?"

My chest tightens.

"Since we last kissed..."my voice cracks in the end, sounding pathetic to my ears. " It was the second kiss we shared with each other. I just didn't know it at the time but it might have been the last."

The silence settles over us, soul shattering. I'm crying softly into my pillow. Embarrassing.

"What happened?" Mkhulu pleads.

"She happened. She's pushing me away. She's closing me off and I'm tired."

"So you're giving up?"

Everything pauses, the tightening in my chest increases, stealing my breath.

"Y-yes," the answer, makes the tears fall faster.

"What on earth?! Leonardo, sit up right now and talk to me, man to man."

"No."

"I said sit up!"

I furiously wipe the tears away, sitting up and turning to Mkhulu. Even in the darkness I can see him glaring at me.

"Tell me what drugs you are taking that's making you speak like a mad man."

"I'm not taking any drugs, Mkhulu. Even if I was. It would be the drug of reality, finally snapping me out of my daydreams."

His frustration with me only seems to grow.

"Please, say words that actually make sense."

"Olivia's leaving me."

"Did she actually say that?"

"No but she's pushing me away."

"So she didn't actually say those words."

"It doesn't matter if she said it or not," I'm tired of talking, of explaining myself, of giving."

Mkhulu sighs.

"You know for a moment I thought that by the end of these thirty six days Olivia would surely be mine. I thought that we'd make it, that this-" the raw feeling in my throat stops me from talking.

"You're so close though Leonardo. You guys can't give up now."

"That's the thing Mkhulu. Now that we're closer to the end , it's like she's slipping through my fingers. Like she's letting me go slowly. She's distancing herself from me day by day. I can almost see it, her deciding at the end  that she'd rather just keep me as a memory."

"Why are you so sure that she's leaving you?"

"Because." I simply answer, leaving it at that.

"Because what?"

Everyone leaves.

"Because nothing."

Mkhulu grunts, annoyed. "You don't give up on love Leonardo. You fight for it. You pursue it. You work through the kinks  but you never give up. Is this how I raised you?"

"Mkhulu you were on your knees begging for my mama to stay years ago but she's not here with us. Even after everything you've done for her, she's not here."

His breath hitches and I know I've hit a cord and I feel God prodding me to stop but I can't.

"You prayed for hours and days for Gogo to get better but she's not here..."

The silence is loud, filled with the torturous memories of the pain we've been through.

"People leave us Mkhulu. They steal our hearts and they leave us more broken than we were before. It's only been about a week and a few days since Ma came and left. Now I have to deal with this...fighting for someone even when I know it's a losing battle."

"You're going to regret this. Don't give up Leo. Not now. Tough times are guaranteed when it comes to-"

"Please Mkhulu, not now."

"Then when?!"

" I don't know but not now. I can't handle another heartbreak. Not when I'm still healing from my past hurts. I can't."

Mkhulu stares at me, his eyes, a storm of emotions. He pulls me in for a hug and I break down in his arms, crying. I try to hold it in but my heart feels like it's overflowing with pain.

These tears are for more than one thing.

Even my father, whoever he is although he didn't know of my existence he still left. He left my mother, leaving her with me and leaving me fatherless.

He left me as a big question mark.

He left me as my mother's greatest mistake and regret.

In the beginning it was easy, picturing a life in which Olivia was mine forever. It was easy seeing her beside me because everything about her made sense with me.

It was a breeze  but reality finally caught up with my daydreams.

I don't know what's wrong with me but no matter what I do even before I was born people leave me.

I won't give myself just to be left again; to be left more broken than I am now.

36 Questions was sweet in the beginning, a blissful breeze in my mundane life but it's time to wake up. I've given up.

I've given up on this stupid 36 Questions because it doesn't guarantee that the person will stay. Just like that I'm reminded of all the comments I read about the people who were strongly against this.

They said it creates a false sense of intimacy that fades into nothing. They said it seemed real but the relationships never lasted.

All the comments flood my brain and suddenly the hope I had that Olivia and I would be a different story, diminishes.

It was beautiful, wonderful and mind-blowing while it lasted. I've etched those memories in my mind. That very first kiss, like no kiss I've ever had and the second one somehow more intimate and realer.

All the smiles and hugs and the conversations we shared.

It's like our souls found a home everytime we shared ourselves with eachother.

For a moment, Olivia was my home, a safe place.

She was so close to me.I could count the freckles spread across her cheeks. I could see all the emotions in her coffee brown eyes. I held her hands and kissed them too.

With those delicate hands of hers she wiped my tears. She comforted me in ways I never knew comfort came. She will be forever etched in my memories.

The name Olivia will ring like a distant echo in my heart. I won't love anybody else but I'm putting an end to this torment of me fighting for her and her pushing me away.

I'm tired of fighting for people to stay.
You shouldn't ever have to fight for people to stay.

I'm tired of fighting all these losing battles of hoping for the best when the worst is my destiny.

I'm tired of crying like it's the only thing I know how to do, like I'm not a man because I am one.

I'm tired of being broken, having this shattered heart.

I love you Olivia but I give up. Push me away, I'm not pushing back this time.

Mkhulu tightens his hold on me, rubbing my back. The tears have run dry but the aching in my chest persists, like it's a part of me.

And maybe I'll have to live with this ache for the rest of my life.

"It'll be alright." Mkhulu consoles.

"It will be Mkhulu because..."

A painful pause ensues and although my heart fights against my descision, I've made up my mind.

"I give up."

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

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Thank you so much for reading my book throughout this year! Thank you for your votes and comments, I appreciate it all. I love you all.

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The story is coming to an end soon but this is the last chapter for 2023.
See you in the New year!🎉