22 November 2023🥀

“I’ve been thinking about  a certain phrase a lot lately,” Dominique says, walking alongside me as we make our way to school.

“That phrase that says: Everything happens for a reason. Like by everything does it mean everything, everything or just some things.”

I shrug, not really having an answer to his question. Although I feign disinterest in the topic I can't help but think about everything that's happened to me.

Everything from the very first time I experienced real heartbreak after hearing the news about my grandmother's death.

Everything about that day my mother left for the first time promising to come back and to keep in touch.

Everything from how Mkhulu and I tried to get our lives back together, picking up the pieces and placing them together even though we knew that there'd still be a gaping hole when we were done.

Everything from the calls my mother and I had with each other and the excuses she made and how she always wanted me to understand why she couldn't be there.

Everything about Dominique and how he tricked me into learning incorrect Afrikaans which led me to fail which later led us to becoming friends.

Everything about Olivia and how she sat beside me on that day in school suddenly having hiccups when I was really short tempered and how that led to me locking eyes with her.

Everything from how surprising my mother's return was and how she barely lasted a week leaving me with new wounds to heal from before the old ones could get any type of relief.

All these things…

Could there be a reason for every single one of them?

People always talk about how one day we're gonna have to stand before God and give an account of everything we've done, good or bad.

I wonder…

I wonder if after that God would give us relief from life long pain and suffering and give us the reasons why all these things had to happen.

“I really don't know Dominique.”

He nods,his gaze flicking to me for a moment. “ I don't think it's completely true.”

“...”

“ Think about it Leo. Everything happens for a reason.If someone told me that when I was younger I'd psychoanalyze everything about my life. I'd think about every detail that probably doesn't matter and wonder what the reason for it would be.I think that's how people go crazy.”

“...Where is all this thinking coming from?”

Dominique chuckles, running his fingers through his curly brown hair.

“Would you be mad if I said it's because of you.”

“...”

“Well not you— you but all that's happened with your mom.It just got me thinking.”

“...”

“I just wish I could buy you a better mom or something.”

He chuckles,not meeting my gaze. The laughter dies too fast and his jaw tightens.

“I just don't understand the reason for it all.”

I'm shocked by his words as the silence settles over us. We're closer to school but we're far from unpacking this conversation. 

I've heard it said many times before that pain is personal. That even if I were to spend six hours of my day explaining how it is and feels to have a mother who doesn't love me , people who never went through it wouldn't get it.

Instead, I'd leave the conversation feeling like I've poured myself into a bottle with a hole into it while the other person leaves with nothing in them for me but pity.

It's weird that Dominique's green eyes are serious and his lips are pulled into a firm line because it's like he's taken off a load of my pain and I'm sharing some of it with him.

It's not the pity I dread to see in people's eyes and it's not even empathy it's like…

It's like he's going through all this with me. Like he's unpacking my pain with me even when I'm not around and I just have this feeling like he's praying for me.

It's a fact that my mother's gone and she's never coming back. It's another fact that although I don't find myself crying about it doesn't mean it's stopped hurting.

Mkhulu and I are better back at home but we're still picking up the pieces. I see it in his eyes everytime we stop laughing or teasing each other. He lets out this painful sigh. Yesterday I walked in on him staring at a picture of Gogo,his late wife.

Healing is easier said than done.

Dominique’s words make me realize that he's picking up the pieces with me. That he doesn't even have to say it but I should know that he's got my back. That although his mother is worth more than rubies he's willing to unpack this uncommon pain of mommy issues.

These thoughts ruminate in my mind until we see more students of Vestalia high walking ahead of us towards the school gate.

Dominique chuckles, breaking the dark mood with his nonchalant smile that says everything is more than alright.

“I think it's a stupid saying,” he tells me.

“Why?”

“It just is,” Dominique comments. “ I mean does this happen for a reason?” He kicks a rock on the pavement and it skids steps ahead.

“Does this happen for a reason?” He jumps up and down as we walk.

“Does this happen for a reason?” He flicks my forehead painfully with his fingers.

I chuckle, starting to get his point.

“Does this conversation happen for a reason?” He continues.

His eyes flick to a  short dark skinned girl who's walking past us. She's got her hair in short braids and she keeps her head down as she walks, holding her black bag by the straps.

“ Hi.” Dominique calls to her.

She flicks her brown eyes to him, then to me, her small brows furrow.

“Just wanted to say that you're beautiful.” Dominique flashes her a genuine smile.

She's frozen for a moment,then she blushes, not able to hold his gaze any longer as she looks back down.

“Th-Thank  you,” she says barely above a whisper.

“What's your name?” Dominique asks, keeping up with her pace. I lag a little behind them.

“Thandiwe,” she answers, smiling. Her smile fits her small face and reaches her brown eyes in an easy glow.

“I'm Dominique and he's no one important,” he says pointing to me.

I laugh along with Thandiwe. Her laugh is barely audible; it's more quiet and subtle.

We step into the schoolgates.

Dominique’s smile broadens. “ It was nice meeting you. Do well in your exams.”

“You too,” she says softly. The soft smile still on her face. She turns the other way and when she's gone Dominique looks straight at me,his face serious.

“Did that happen for a reason?”

❄️❄️❄️

My fingers are stiff, six minutes after that Afrikaans exam. We had to write a three hundred word essay in Afrikaans and let's just say that maybe I'll become the new Shakespeare. Instead of creating new English words, I'll create new Afrikaans words. I mean the examiner has to give me some marks for creativity.

I move through the bustling crowd of Vestalia high students  who are scattered around the tuck shop area in a line that will surely cause fights to arise soon.

The lines in the tuck shop are really frustrating. They're always so long and sometimes all you want is a sweet. Not to mention the prefects who make their friends cut in line.

Or those annoying people who aren't in the line but are just there to talk to their friends and really loudly at that.

But like the end of everything…this too feels bitter sweet.

I'll never stand in a school tuckshop line again. So although I'd like to get my pie in the next two seconds I have to look for the shortest lines out of these four long  lines.

“Are you in the line?” I ask a guy, who stands in the line.

“No.”

I feel like telling him to wait for his friend in a place where he won't confuse people.  He's made the line croquet and now three other students like up behind him.

I keep asking that question more than I'd like to wondering why half of the people chilling around the tuck shop don't even have money.

I take another chance looking for what could be the end of the line. I see a light skinned girl with a high puffed afro talking dramatically with her friends. 

“All I can say is that it was hectic! Hectic Chomie!”

I tap her shoulder to gain her attention and when she turns her head I'm met with the sight of familiar dark hazel eyes contrasted on her flawless light skin. It's Lisa.B

She arches her perfect brow at first but her pink lips curve into a smile when she takes me in.

“Please tell me that you're in the line.I’m beginning to think everyone in this school is  in denial of being broke. They're hanging around the tuck shop so close to the line without any intention of buying.”

Lisa.B laughs, throwing her head back. The friends she was talking with laugh too but not as much as her. When it dies down the smile still remains on her face. 

“It's the line.”

I smile, relieved, placing my hands in my pockets. I stare ahead of the line and it feels like it's not moving an inch.

On the other hand the other three lines seem to be moving a little faster now but it already took long enough to find a spot so I decide to stay.

I sigh, my eyes flicking away only to notice Lisa.B who still has her eyes on me.

I smile back and she returns it,then she turns back to continue talking with her friends. They're talking about the Afrikaans exam, all of them venting their frustrations on it. They're girls so they also start talking about dating and boys and all that drama and how they don't want to talk to this other girl anymore.

I zone out of the conversation, my thoughts drifting to my sweet Olivia. To that kiss two days ago and how her lips felt against mine.

I haven't spoken to her today except for her waving at me from afar, a friendly smile on her face.

It's clear what she's doing but I'm not going to allow her to. She's putting me in the friend zone to keep things safe.

And yes, yes I want to be Olivia's friend. In fact she's become my best friend alongside Dominique these past few weeks.

But I'd like to be the friend that gets to kiss her. The friend that gets the long hugs and the sweet words. The friend that she'll marry.

I wish that she could —

“Leo, you're a guy, what do you think about it?” Lisa.B snaps me out of my thoughts, her dark hazel eyes piercing me with an unfamiliar look.

“What do I think about what?”

“Why don't guys make the first move anymore?” One of her friends answers.

Three sets of eyes now hold me at full attention.

“They do.”

“We're not talking about sending your friends to go tell us that you like us.” The other friend says.

We all laugh.

“I'm talking about a real first move.”

“Once again. They do. Don't pretend like girls aren't rejecting guys left and right.”

The girls chuckle, talking over each other as they try to defend themselves.

“Okay why don't the guys we want make the first move.” The friend specified, glancing at Lisa.B for a moment.

“I don't know, maybe he's nervous…” That's why it took me months to actually have a decent conversation with Olivia.

“Maybe he thinks you're out of his league. Maybe he doesn't like you but that's okay it just makes room for someone else who will genuinely like you.”

“Awww,” one of the friends remarks.

I chuckle, feeling a little wise with the things of love. Falling in love is like finding a treasure.

Some people search for it far and wide while others get it without even knowing they were yearning for it.

In the end no matter how you found this treasure you want everybody to have it.

Lisa. B opens her mouth to say something but her friend pulls her forward as the line starts moving.

“Finally!”

❄️❄️❄️

The school is close to empty now.
Olivia sits alone by the bleachers, hugging her pink bag close to her. She seems to be lost.

A fond smile grows on my face as I make my way towards her. Her eyes find mine and immediately a beautiful smile graces her face.

“L-dawg!”

I can't help but laugh, knowing full well that she intends to keep me in the friend zone because it's safer.

I climb up the bleachers, taking a seat beside her and dropping the pie I bought at the tuckshop on her lap.

“This is for you.”

She looks down at the pie, moving her pink bag aside. She looks back up at me in question. “ Why?”

“I didn't see you eat today so eat up. And don't worry it's your favourite pie—steak and kidney.”

She blinks, her mouth opening and closing but no words come out.

“You didn't have to Leonardo.”

“I know.I wanted to. Now eat up.”

A small smile grows on her face, as she opens the wrapper of the pie. She breaks the pie into two and hands me the other half.

“I'll only eat it if you have the other half.”

“Fine.”

She smiles, eating the pie along with me. For a few moments we don't say anything and I finish up the pie in just three bites.

Pies are getting freakishly smaller and smaller but the prices only go up. It's madness and corruption but that's a rant for another day.

“Question 22?” Olivia asks, eagerness gleaming in her brown eyes.

“Yeah. Read it out to me. I spent all night studying for the Afrikaans exam so I didn't get to check it.”

She nods, pulling out her phone from her blazer.

“Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.”

“Do you want to go first?”

She's flustered.  “Ok,” she breathes,composing herself.

“Am I that bad you can't even think of one good thing about me,” I tease, making her laugh.

“It's not that.” She says softly,” It's just that five wouldn't be enough...”

Her words hang in the air making my  racing heart seep with warmth. Butterflies!

She meets my eyes, her eyes glimmering with something unfamiliar and she keeps her gaze steady not looking down even though she's more than flustered now. It's like she wants me to see how much she means these words.

“You're such a dependable person that anyone can count on. I know you say that Dominique's a great friend but there's no doubt in my mind that all the things he did for you —you would do for him. And Dominique and I have been talking. He's been telling me some of the things you did for him over the years.”

“He's been telling you that?”

“Yeah,” she laughs. “ He's trying to put in a good word for you but don't worry you don't even need the help.”

I'm speechless.

“You're faithful,” she continues ,her voice tender, “ and you keep your word. I don't know how you did it but for twenty two days you made sure we did a question a day even when you were at your lowest you kept your word and you chose to be faithful when I would have completely understood if you weren't up for it on those days with your mom.”

She sighs, looking away for a moment but her eyes meet mine again, steadied.

“ You're a gentleman. And not just to the girls you like but to everyone.I've seen the way you treat other girls this whole year and it makes me so happy. Like that time all the boys were laughing at Rebecca's new cut but you told them to stop.”

Disbelief colours my face. “ You were there?”

“I was there.”

“But Rebecca's cut was really bad. What was it? It was a mix between a Mohawk and dreads.''

She laughs, taking the last bite of her pie and crumbling the white packet as she dusts herself.

“Yes it was bad but she didn't have to be made fun of like that. Thank you for stopping them. I know you might think it's dumb but I really hate it when guys belittle girls they think are less than. It makes me mad and I -'' she sighs, loss for words.

“...”

“You’re very passionate.”A smile grows on her face.

“In all the things you love and have. In soccer and your dreams and in how you treat the relationships you have. In how you are with God.Like when we made that Sunday lunch for Mkhulu even though you had no idea what you were doing in the kitchen you still tried to cook to the best of your abilities.”

”Hey! You're looking at the World's Best Wife.” I jest, making her laugh.

“And last but definitely not least,” Olivia adds.

“ You go after what you want. Whether it's winning soccer games or doing well in school. Or making your Grandfather feel appreciated or…”she takes a breath,” me…”

It feels like her words alone have given my heart wings to fly. No. It feels like although I'm seated on the bleachers my heart is soaring. The emotions building up within me are released in this breathless sigh that's at a loss for words.

I'm beyond speechless so I just take in her words even as she turns away looking ahead at the sun that slowly starts to set.

“I guess it's my turn,” I breathe,reeling in all my emotions. She keeps her eyes steady on the sunset.

“You're a very beautiful person. It's in the way you look speak and act. You're beauty it's like it comes from the inner most parts of you.I know I say this a lot but I like looking at you.
I like seeing you smile and it's just unbelievable how someone can be so beautiful in such a simple way. Your beauty doesn't really call for attention but it's to be paid attention to. I don't even know if what I'm saying makes sense.”

“You're the best comforter. You're like balm to my soul. I know I always push you away when I'm at my worst but I'm actually just telling you to stay. You're attentive,  sweet and tender and so very compassionate that even though it's embarrassing I always want to have you in the worst moments of my life because it's like you heal every heartbreak”

“...”

“You are kind and so sweet. As corny as this sounds I think that if someone were to search the definition of sweet Google should put up a picture of you.”

She laughs, softly.

“ You're a breath of fresh air. There's literally no one like you.You’re so different and a few days ago it clicked that I still don't know you yet. I don't know the best parts of you. You're what I want to spend the rest of my life getting to know….”

Olivia sniffles, wiping tears from her face. When she's done she holds my gaze,her brown eyes glistening and it pulls at my heart.

“Thank you.” she breathes, wiping the last tear.

❄️❄️❄️

Olivia and I are walking back home in silence. It's just that I don't think you really know how someone feels or thinks about you until they spell it out. It's like her words have been marked in my heart and I'm just replaying them over and over in my head.

It also makes me wonder if she's really talking about me but I guess that means I'm finding it hard to take all her compliments.

But there's still something that's bothering me.

“I wanted to talk to you about something…” 

She holds my gaze attentive.

“Look Olivia, I know what you're doing and I don't like it. We kissed—”

She looks away, blushing and my cheeks inflame at just the mention of it.

I compose myself but the smile on my face is unbreakable.

“We kissed and I know that you think it  changes things for us but it doesn't. What did I say at the beginning of it all?What did I say when I said I wanted you to fall in love with me?”

She stays silent, her eyes trained on her lap.

When she speaks her voice is feathery light. “You talked about how you saw this  painting of a girl jumping off a cliff into the unknown…”

I beckon her to go on with my eyes.

“You told me that the artist said that it was a representation of love. That it's like a leap of faith and faith is the substance of things hoped for.”

“What's the last thing I said Olivia?”

“You said you wanted us to jump together.”

A breathless laughter bubbles out of me. The words in my heart entangled in a growing web of feelings for Olivia.

It makes me feel some type of way to know that she remembers almost everything I've said to her. It gives me assurance that just like I always pay attention to the details she's doing the same.

“This is it Olivia. This is the jump into love so stop calling me L-dawg.I know you're afraid but don't be.”

“...”

“The kiss, you telling me you like me and everything after that; It's the jump. It's the leap.”

“So what are you saying Leo?”

“I'm saying that you shouldn't be afraid, Olivia, because this is falling in love.”

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

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22.Share something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner(or someone special that you know). Share a total of five items.

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