20 November 2023🥀

“Could you just help me God,” I pray from my bed, feeling like I don't even have the strength to get up.

The sun shines through the curtains promising a better day but my heart denies it entirely.

The weekend feels like it flew by in a few seconds and it's like I need it to be Saturday again because Monday involves facing things.

I want to stay in my room and sulk and cry and be mad at myself, at life and everything else but I have a really important exam so I push those feelings aside.

“Help my Grandfather and I pick up all the pieces and just get our life back together. I want to focus on all the good things in my life like my friends and  love and just everyone who's stayed. I need you to pick me back up again.”

❄️❄️❄️

School was boring without Dominique, Oratile or any of the guys I usually talked to so immediately I was done with my exam I left.

I got home and found it empty and for a moment my heart stopped but before I could jump into any crazy conclusions I found a small note from Mkhulu by the kitchen counter that said —Out for a stroll. Don't trash the house.

After changing into a sky blue sweater and sweatpants, I spend the next moments watching T.V while waiting for Olivia's call.

My heart yearns to see her today. It's been a whole two days without seeing her but it's been two days too long.

I check my phone every other minute but still no message or call except for a few memes that Dominique keeps sending me.

What if she doesn't want to see me anymore?

The thought pierces through my mind, making my mood go sour.
Could I have done anything to ruin this…before it actually began.

When the sun starts setting, the negative thoughts dance through my mind like they've been waiting for this moment for a while. I decide to call her but she doesn't answer any of them.

I send texts on WhatsApp but still no response.

I can't lose Olivia...

An overwhelming feeling settles over my heart making it impossible for me to focus on anything but it.

I know where this insecurity is rooted from and it makes me mad. It makes me mad to realize that I'll always be self conscious about the people I love leaving me because of her.

Maybe it's because of my crying, I think to myself, the thought shaming me.

Maybe it's because of how much I'm a walking contradiction, telling her I want to be close and then pushing her away the next moment.

The sun continues to set and I wish I could tell it to go back up because the day can't end like this.

With no word from Olivia. With not even a flicker of love in my life but the sun continues to set, the  blue sky changing to a darker hue.

I overanalyze yesterday's call, wondering if maybe I didn't comfort enough about the problem with her sister. It's been all about me, me, me these past few days so maybe I missed something.

The knock that sounds from the door breaks through my thoughts. At least  Mkhulu is back to keep my mind off all these feelings.

When I pull open the door I'm met with the sight of Olivia…

She's smiling, her coffee brown eyes holding mine with excitement. She's dressed in a knee length sunset pink dress that makes her look like a flower, her black braids pulled loose to flow beautifully over her back.

“You're here,” I pull her in for a bear  hug, tightening my hold on her as my heart melts in her presence and her scent. 

A soft laugh escapes her lips but it dies in her throat when I tighten my hold on her pulling her closer.

For a moment she stays , stock still in my arms but she breaks the moment and wraps her arms around me making my bones melt in her embrace wanting us to be closer even in this moment.

We hold each other in a bubble of our own and I just know that she's smiling as bright as I'm smiling.

My heart beats against hers as we sway our bodies and if this moment could last fore—

Mkhulu clears his throat loudly.  “I see we're getting to know each other really well. Although back in my day we'd wait for the girlfriend to get inside the house before we hug her like that.”

Olivia withdraws from the hug leaving me cold.  Her eyes dart to Mkhulu who stands behind her, an amused expression on his face as he leans on his cane.

The sight of Olivia blushing makes my heart beam.

“G-good evening M-mr July. I came to see Leo.” Olivia stutters, her face inflamed, keeping her head down.

Mkhulu rumbles in laughter.

“What brings you here Olivia?”

She lifts her head, when she speaks with him, her voice,  delicate.

“I was wondering if I could take Leonardo out—”she stops herself, covering her face with her hands from embarrassment.

“Well not take him out but just take him outside.”

Mkhulu's amusement only grows, his eyes flicking to me for a moment. He stretches out his wrist staring at the time.

“At this time?” Mkhulu's brows raise.

“What exactly is this time?”  I cut in.

“It's 7:00. It's a little late young lady.”

“I know Mr July but I promise you he'll be home by 9.”

She smiles at Mkhulu, that sweet smile of hers that makes my heart turn into mush.

And from the wavering look on Mkhulu’s expression I can tell her smile is getting to him too.

“Not even a minute past 9, you hear that Leonardo.”

“Loud and clear.” I smile back at him.

“ I'm just gonna go put on my sneakers.” I give Olivia one last look and leave.

I hurry into my room, the excitement making my heart pulsate purposefully. Not to mention the underlying frustration I have towards myself for overreacting on Olivia being late.

With my sneakers on, I make my way back into the kitchen and for some reason Mkhulu and Olivia haven't gotten inside yet.

I stop in my tracks when I hear them talking,the curiosity burning within me.

“—It'll do him some good anyway,”Mkhulu rasps out, “having fun.”

Olivia doesn't answer.

“You make him happy, you know. I don't know if he tells you this but you make him happy. I know how boys can be sometimes ,acting like you don't mean much just so they don't get hurt.”

“Actually Leonardo let's me know exactly how he feels about me sir.”

“Is that so?” I hear the smile in his voice.

“Yep,”she breathes, then after a heartbeat, “ and he makes me happy too.”

The boldness in her delicate voice brings a broad smile to my face.

I walk further in so they can see me and both sets of eyes hold me.

“I'm ready,” I hold Olivia's gaze, unspoken words shared between us.

Mkhulu grunts a reply. “Go on and have fun, kids. And Leonardo?”

“Yes Mkhulu.”

“Take good care of her.” he tells me,  his dark eyes aglow with an unfamiliar emotion.

I know full well from the look in his eyes that those five words mean way more than they seem.

They mean Mkhulu really likes Olivia for me.

They mean I've found a good thing.

They mean that Mkhulu wants me to hold on to her and never let go.

I nod, understanding flashing in both our eyes. “ With everything in me Mkhulu.”

❄️❄️❄️

The light blues sky is now a beautiful dark hue, a few stars speckled on it, yearning to shine in the dark.

Olivia and I walk alongside each other down the road talking and laughing, my heart soaring along with hers.

My heart bursts with excitement at the silly fact that I'll get to see how beautiful she looks under the moonlight, knowing full well that she'll outshine the stars.

Young love has its simple pleasures and this is one of them.

The sunset pink dress she wears ripples with the cool wind catching my attention, her silver studded earrings glimmering.

She's a sight to behold even in the night. She's so beautiful and she's with me.

“I don't know if I've said this but you look beautiful  tonight Olivia.”

Her eyes meet mine, searching for the sincerity of my words and I wonder as she searches me does she find what she's looking for.

She contains her smile,her eyes flitting back to the beautiful sky. “You've said that a couple times,”she whispers.

“I don't think it'll ever be enough.” I tell her, my eyes drinking in every part of her.

A silence stretches on, charged with the secret confessions of our young hearts.

“..For me too.” Olivia says, barely above a whisper to herself but I heard her loud and clear.

Another one  of young love's simple pleasures would be how close we're walking next to each other, our hands brushing each other and I wouldn't exactly call it sparks but this acute awareness from every single part of her that touches me.

That's why when our fingers brush for the umpteenth time, making the hairs on my arm alert; I make the bold move of entwining her warm fingers through mine.

Olivia's hand immediately entwines around mine and I hear her breathe out a sigh like she was waiting for me to make that move.

A sweet smile grows on her face but she makes no move to meet my gaze, keeping her eyes swiftly ahead.

Young love has its simple pleasures and holding hands is one of them.

“So you're taking me out, huh” I tease, a smirk growing on my face.

She refuses to blush this time and instead punches my shoulder, earning a laugh from me.

“But seriously Olive bean, where are you taking me?”

“Now I know that you're not a surprise guy.” She says instead.

“ Is it a restaurant?Pizza place? The arcade? Skating rink? The—”

Olivia laughs into the night, her head thrown back and her eyes crinkling.

She stares at me when it simmers down into a sweet smile. “Lower your expectations, please. It's none of those places.”

“Expectations officially lowered,” I obey, chuckling softly.

“Let's do question 19 now,”she suggests.

“Why don't we do it when we get to the place?”

“I don't want tonight to be about 36 Questions,”she says, “ I just want us to be together.”

“...”

The breath in my lungs clogs up, the words in my mind swimming around in a jumble of the alphabet because of how she looks at me.

I've been getting these looks from her a lot lately. These looks that might be her way of  subconsciously hinting at me...

Telling me that I've already won her over.

I shake the thoughts off, not wanting to entertain today what might be my greatest heartbreak tomorrow but there's this hope bursting inside of me that tells me…

That tells me Olivia is all mine.

“Question 19. Umm, yeah... Ok.”

I try to get myself together, clearing my throat in awkwardness as though she could read the thoughts in my mind.

She glances at me, curiosity burning through her eyes at the sudden change of my behavior but I break eye contact looking at the road ahead of us.

“If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?”

“ I wouldn't change a thing.” I answer honestly, “ I mean, of course I'll appreciate things a little more. Who knows maybe I'll become those cringey poets who talk about how the sun feels like angels dancing on their skin.”

Olivia laughs.

“But I wouldn't  change anything  even if I wanted to because the things happening in my life right now are beyond me.They are out of my hands…” I sigh deeply.

“Sorry. I didn't mean to make the answer depressing.”

“It's fine Leo. It's the truth and that's all I want from you.”

“There's just some things that even if you speed up your death date you can't control.”

She nods, understanding flashing in her eyes. It makes my heart warm at the thought of this common understanding we have for each other that goes deeper than the words we say and the words we hold back.

“My answer is yes.''Olivia opposes, her eyes glancing up at me. “I would stop putting off my goals and share all my pieces of writing, even the cringey embarrassing ones.I  would also go outside more…” she sighs wistfully.

“Because I guess we all live as if we have all the time in the world and stall our dreams and goals because we're scared. So I guess I wouldn't be scared anymore because I'll be dead a year from now and at least I left my mark.”

“You don't have to wait for your death to start living, Olivia.”

“I know, believe me, now tell that to my heart.”

We laugh.

“What if I wanted to help you,” I find myself saying.

“Help me what?”

I blush under her undivided attention.

“You know, help you follow your dreams. Help you get your poems and songs out there.”

She holds my gaze, her brown eyes swirling with astonishment and an underlying tone of something vulnerable.

“You'd do that.” she says, breathless.

“Why not?”

“You haven't even heard me sing. What if I sound like a goat? And what about my poetry? What if you hate it or it makes you laugh but you'd be too kind to give me your honest opinion.”

“Are you done?” I ask her, chuckling.

“...”

“Yes, I haven't heard you sing but I listen to you speak everyday and I'm already in love. Secondly, there's no doubt in my mind that I'll like your poems because they come from your heart and in case I haven't been saying it enough I'm in love with you Olivia —all of who you are and I believe that I'll be in love with your poems too because they'll be an expression of you heart on paper…”

I'm left feeling like I've poured out all that's in my heart,the words coming out short because maybe I'll never be done telling Olivia everything I feel and know about her.

It's like everyday I love her more and more and more and more…

My heart is just an outpouring of  the ever growing love I feel for her.

“...How will you do it?” Olivia asks,her eyes showing me that she's still drinking in the words I just spoke to her.

“It's a surprise.”

She chuckles. “ I hate surprises,”she jokes, making me laugh.

“Just Trust me Ok.”

She stays quiet then after a breath she answers.

“...Ok.

“Olive bean as much as I'd like to make all your dreams come true. It's not in my absolute power. It's up to you. You have to want it badly. I can only push you but you're the one who has to make your dreams come true because when  you dream you see something I never will even if you paint the picture for me a thousand times.”

“I hear you loud and clear Leonardo.”

“Good because there's no way I'm allowing you to spend your life dreaming but never living them out.”

Then she says something softly under her breath,her lips barely moving as she says it so close to a mumble.

It's so soft that I never would have heard it if it wasn't for the wind that carried the message through like God wanted me to hear it.

“You're too good for me.”

❄️❄️❄️

The next moments no words are shared between the two of us. A few shy glances are shared but besides that we're both relishing.

Relishing in the feel of her hands entwined with mine, proof that we're meant to be. Relishing how close we walk together. I find myself smiling from time to time at our height difference.

Relishing how it feels like we're the only souls alive and how perfect that is.

I don't know where she's taking me but as long as she's gonna be there I know it'll be amazing.

She stops in her tracks, pulling me back with our entwined hands and I stare at what has captured her attention.

“This is it, isn't it?”

We're in a grassy secluded area and what stands before us are these large tall Willow trees with leaves that trickle down the tree branches like nature's curtains.

The Willow trees  stand in the dark with ethereal beauty.

There's a lake not too far from here, it's ripples of little waves glistening in the moon's light.

Olivia squeezes my hand, a gentle smile on her face."This is it."

She pulls me along and we're walking amidst the Willow trees, the wind  whistling through the curtained leaves.

Olivia makes us turn right and that's when we make it to a hunched Willow tree, its leaves touching the floor and completely covering the inside of it. It's one of the trees right in front of the small lake.Olivia's eyes meet mine aglow with contained excitement.

She lifts her other hand and gathers a few of the leaves lifting it up like a veil and what's hidden in the covered cozy space of the tree leaves me momentarily breathless.

Two pink fluffy pillows are sprawled on the grass with two torches.

Is this a date??

The thought makes my heart race and my palms sweat, I immediately slip my hand out of her grip wiping them on my pants.

I would have dressed better if it was a date.
Been a little more charming and—

She meets my eyes, her brows furrowed.

“...Is this a date?”

Astonishment colours her face and for the next few seconds her mouth opens and closes but no sound escapes.

She sighs, the silence awkward.

Laughter builds up inside me and when it escapes my lips, Olivia joins in.

“It's not a date.” she answers,her eyes flicking to mine then back on the ground.“Think of it like a type of … getaway.”

“A getaway,” I reiterate, smiling.

“I come here all the time to think, pray, cry, forget.”She sits on one of the pillows, patting the space next to her.

I take a seat beside her on the pillow, the silence stretches on, charged. The Willow tree leaves are like nature's curtains, covering us almost completely in this little space.

It feels safe.

Especially since she's here.

The moon's light glimmers through the crevices of the green leaves but besides that we're bathed in the night's darkness.

I hear the lapping waters of the lake, it calms my heart and with this ease I find the boldness to entwine my hands with hers once again.

But worry creeps into my heart and as much as I know that it will ruin the moment I just have to ask.

“Olivia, it's really late,won't your mother be worried?”

She waves it off, nonchalant. “I'm home alone. It's just my sister and I. So it's fine—”

“Yeah but won't she be worried? I don't want you to get into trou—”

“She said I should go die outside somewhere along the road.”

I'm left speechless, searching her eyes and all I see is the depth of the pain.

“Anyway. I'm not innocent in this either. I said some things too. I just want to forget for a few moments.”

“Okay.”

She blinks back the pain, grateful. Her hand entwined with mine squeezes gently and I know that this is her way of beckoning me to forget too.

“So it's not just me then. Having this feeling of wanting to run away from everything and everyone and all your pain.”

She shakes her head, her eyes meet mine, genuine. “ It's not just you Leo. I feel so suffocated at home you don't even understand and it's not that my family are bad people. I think we're all rubbing each other off badly lately and we're getting on each other's nerves. It's become a house of chaos.”

“...”

“But I don't want to talk about that.”

“How'd you find this place?”

She laughs, a soft sound that's carried off by the wind. “Alicia and I played this intense game of hide and seek where we had to choose a neighbourhood and find each other there. Anyway, the game turned out to be a really bad idea because we both got lost and didn't know where the other was. While walking back through whatever place I was, I found this place hidden away near a hill.”

“Wow. So no one comes here?”

“No people do come here but only a few and everybody keeps to themselves. It's like they're all here to forget.It makes me happy coming here in the daytime and seeing other people who have that look in their eyes like they're tired of everything. It shows that I'm not the only one.”

“You know we can't run away forever, right.” I find myself saying, watching closely for her reaction.

“I know Leo. I told you in one of the questions before that I don't want to be someone who gives up easily. You get away only to pick yourself up. That's it.”

“My mother thinks she can run away for the rest of her life.”

“Your mother's a woman who's made a lot of bad decisions but maybe one day she'll come to the realization —”

“There's no one day Olivia. She left. She's gone and she's not coming back. I saw it in her eyes. I saw how happy she was when I said she could leave.”

“...”

Olivia stays quiet but even in the dark, I see it in her eyes how she searches for the right words for me. Words of comfort, wisdom —anything but she stays quiet and I think it's for the best.

What else can you say to a boy like me who's mother was more than happy to leave?

The aching in my heart returns like nostalgia like my life revolves around pain, and happiness is just a dream.

I retreat from the pain in my heart and forget Olivia and I'm thankful she's brought me here because I really needed this…

And forget is what we do.

We spend the next moments talking with each other,our eyes never straying away but if so always coming back. There's a few pointless games of rock paper scissors and who would survive in the wild conversations.

We share embarrassing childhood stories with eachother like that one time I peed in class during a birthday celebration for this one boy. Olivia's laughs are soft and sometimes loud. Sometimes she snorts and sometimes there's no sound but there's the  constant gleam in her brown eyes that makes my heart soar.

The willow tree leaves that cover us like curtains really give the illusion that it's just the two of us. And for those few moments that's all we focus on.

On each other.

“—You’re lying Leonardo! “she says through laughter.

I just told her the story of how at a  camp in grade eight  I was voted The Dare King.

“Why would I lie Olive bean? It's the truth. You don't play with things like Dare king.”

She shakes her head with disbelief.

“You don't look like a Dare king. I'd believe it more if it was Dominique. He looks like he could lick a public seat if you'd dare him to.”

“That's not completely wrong,”I confess,” He actually did a similar dare to that in grade 9.”

“What?!”

“Not the toilet seat but the public toilet handle. There was a video of it and everything. He vomited seconds later.”

Her face is scrunched up into this cute expression that's a mix between amazement ,disgust and astonishment.

The laughter bubbles out of us, making our young burdened hearts light.

Like we have not a care in the world.

Even though it's exam time, our home lives are a mess and next year the looming call of our future awaits us in the real world.

But in this moment with her, I have not a care in my heart.

“I'll prove that I'm the Dare King. Give me a dare and I'll do it.”

She smiles, an eager look in her eyes.

“But nothing disgusting like eating the dirt or the grass or licking the tree.I’m a gentleman.”

She laughs,the humor dancing in her eyes” I was actually about to say eat the grass but since you're a gentleman”

“Okay, climb up one of the Willow trees.”

“Are you crazy?! I'm afraid of heights.”

“But you want to be a pilot.”

“That's different. Another dare.”

“Fine. Umm,”she looks around her surroundings, thinking deeply.”There's literally nothing for you to do here except climb up trees.”

I shrug.” I guess the mystery of how much I'm a Dare King will remain.”

“ But you've rejected all of my dares that goes against you being—” she doesn't finish her sentence as the laughter bubbles out of her, making me smile.

“Just eat the grass and you'll be accepted as Dare King,” she says, coming back from her bout of laughter.

I scoff playfully,” You eat it.”

She chuckles. “Fine. Call your Grandfather and tell him we're getting married in Vegas.”

“You're insane,”I comment ,laughing.

“A Dare King would've said yes.” she says,then” Oh! Jump into that lake with your clothes on.”

“Finally a dare that I can do.” I stand up, pushing the Willow leaves away to open us up to the night.

It has gotten darker.
More stars are scattered across the expanse of the sky, glimmering but what shines brightest is the full moon in its ethereal glory reflecting on the lake.

“I must warn you,” Olivia came out after me,” The lake is  really cold especially during the night. And there may or may not be Crocodiles.”

That definitely stops me in my tracks.I look back at her and she nods with her arms crossed.

“Then there's no way I'm going in.”

She laughs. “ A Dare king would go.”

“To stay a Dare King I have to stay alive you do know that Olivia,right?”

“I was playing with you Leo. There's no crocodiles. Just do the dare and we can go home.”

“Fine.”

The wind ripples through my clothes, making goosebumps rise underneath my blue sweater. I think about how dumb this is and how the only reason I was Dare king in grade 8 was because I actually ate a chunk of  grass.

I shudder at the thought, denying to accept that that was me but it was the start of highschool we all did cringey crazy things.

I look back at Olivia, bathed in the moonlight like a princess with that playful glint in her eyes and decide that maybe it's acceptable to do some stupid things for love.

At least just to see her smile.

I'm about to dive in when Olivia's shout stops me.

“It's not that deep Leonardo! You'll break your bones.”

“Oh,” I chuckle, my cheeks inflaming from the embarrassment.

“You just have to walk into it.” Olivia continues, a teasing lilt to her tone.

I put my right foot first then the next, and true to her words the lake's water barely touched my knees as I walked on the rocks underneath. It's cold to the bone making me release incoherent shouts of reacting to the cold while Olivia laughs.

“Your whole body.” Olivia reminds me, walking closer.

I glare at her, but obey anyway. I slowly sit down and when all of me is soaked with the icy chill of the lake water, I let out a screech that sounds like a girl.

“It's nice and warm, isn't it?” Olivia jokes, watching as I shiver in the water,my clothes soaked.

“So,very warm.” I reply, playing with the water in my hands.“ It makes me feel a little bad. You  know, that I have to experience this on my own.”

It takes a second for her to process what I'm saying but when she does, her brows raise and she's about to make a run for it but I'm already up in my leaking glory dragging her in the cold lake with me.

She screeches, a piercing sound when she comes into contact with the lake's water, soaking her dress. I splash more water on her and she shields herself, laughter bubbling out of her.

When I'm out of breath she uses that as her chance to splash water on me and the water fight ensues, the sound of laughter never leaving our lips, a present joy settling in our hearts.

There's this phrase that talks about how sorrow and pain make us grow. You'll find an 11 year old who's been badly abused speaking like a 40 year old man.

And I guess that's good. It's good that our pain doesn't have to be for nothing,that it can teach us lessons and makes us wiser.

But I firmly believe that sometimes we should all come back to that place of being young again—no matter how old we are.

That place where the only thing we did was laugh and play with our friends;our innocence blinding us from the horrors of the world.

That place of true joy and peace without worry and pain creeping in like a promised nightmare.

It's the place Olivia and I stay in through the night as we play in the lake, soaked in joy. It's the place we stay in as we take off our shoes and walk  barefoot on the rocks of the lake while we share our favourite childhood memories.

It's that place that we bask in as we lay our backs on the lake, the flow of the water passing through us as we make invisible water angels.

We step out of the water, our feet coming  into contact with the grass and we walk back into the hunched Willow Tree.

Olivia and I sit on the dry pillows in all our leaking glory, our faces aglow with pure joy and the alarming awareness that no matter what troubles we have in this life we can always go back to that place of bliss.

Under the moonlight, through the Willow tree leaves,we're sitting closer than we were before.

“Did you happen to pack a blanket or towel?” I ask, trying to break the growing tension sizzling between us.

“Nope.I didn't plan on ever getting into the lake.” She softly answers,her eyes straying everywhere but me

She pulls her long braids to the side of her shoulder,her neck in full view as she  squeezes  the excess water.

My eyes flicker  to the little dark freckles on her cheeks that's barely noticeable from afar but so beautiful to admire up close. To her pink glossed lips and her eyes.

It still boggles my mind how watching Olivia do simple or mundane tasks is attractive to me. It boggles my mind how I could spend hours in class just watching her write her notes.

I'm ever captivated by her simple beauty that doesn't call for attention but sits in quiet confidence.

When she looks up,catching me openly gawking at her, she smiles, a twinkling in her eyes like she can't believe I see something beautiful in her.

We hold each other's eyes for the millionth time tonight, a deep, deep burning in my heart for her.

It's tonight that the revelation of what this burning within me means comes to me.

It's the yearning.

It's the silent, torturous yearning burning in my heart for her.

From the way she looks at me tonight, our faces are so close I feel her soft breath on my cheek it makes me wonder…

“Do you feel it too?”

The glimmer in her eyes captures a deep emotion as she stays quiet,my heart races a million miles per second from how close we are in this moment of bliss.

“...Yes.”

And that's all I need for all the doubts and overthinking to be silenced and shunned as I lean in closer and capture her soft lips with mine in a long awaited kiss.

Her lips stay frozen for a moment,my racing heart burning at the feel of her lips but before I can pull away she kisses me back with a clear and vulnerable yearning.

Her breaths become mine and mine become hers and the burning in my heart bursts into an explosion of fireworks making me smile while kissing her.

I cradle her face in my hands, pulling her closer and she places her soft hands on my neck, holding me delicately.

She kisses me like a million unsaid I love you's and that look she's been giving for a while these past few days comes back to me.

I've already won her over.

Young love has its simple pleasures and first kisses is one of them.

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

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19.If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?”

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