18 November 2023🥀

“It's like she was never here, right?”

I'm standing by the hallway, where a few days ago I used to hear Mkhulu and mama  talking.

Today I hear nothing.

Mkhulu looks up from his  coffee ,by the kitchen counter, his  eye bags extenuating his dark eyes.

“Right.” he answers,clipped.

The silence settles over us.

This morning leaves a bad taste in my mouth. It's bitter and it's miserable and it's cold. The rainy season has fully begun and I can't help but feel relieved that the sun isn't taunting me this morning with it's rays that would feel more like glares.

It's like she came to shatter my world for the fun of it  and has left Mkhulu and I to pick up the pieces.

Looking at his tired eyes,his dropped from and pain etched on his face like wrinkles I realize that this is it.

This is us, picking up the pieces.

“You should have breakfast.”

I nod, taking steps towards the kitchen and pulling open the fridge. For a moment my mind goes blank, the fridge door is open and I forget what I'm looking for.

It takes a second before I pull out the milk. Mkhulu has already placed the bowl filled to the brim with cornflakes.

I take a seat on the stool across from him, pouring the milk.

The splitting headache I had since the morning strains my mind for a moment, making some of the milk spill.

“Sorry.” My eyes dart to Mkhulu, anxious.

“It's fine... Are you okay?” Concern flashes over Mkhulu’s face.

“...I”

“—Don’t answer that question. It's stupid. Of course you're not okay.”

I start eating and Mkhulu takes that as his cue to shut up. Although he hates the gwonch gwonch sounds my mouth makes as I chew the cornflakes, he stays.

Even after crying myself to sleep last night,the pain in my heart wells up into tears. I blink them back, focusing on eating and only that.

Mkhulu sighs deeply.

The silence that stretches on between us is utterly painful.

Why?

Because there is no silence shared between Mkhulu and I. We're always talking, arguing, laughing and debating with each other but today…

Every unspoken word swims in the depths of our eyes getting caught up in our throats.

It hurts my heart immensely that I don't even remember the last time the two of us shared a laugh recently. I don't remember the last time we bantered about the old generation and the  new one.

I don't remember the last time he threatened to hit me with his cane until I passed out even though we both knew he wasn't laying a finger on me.

I don't —

“We can't let her ruin this too.” Mkhulu cuts into my thoughts, his dark eyes meeting mine.

The pain in his eyes is so clear it makes my heart bleed.

“What happened to us?” Mkhulu continues, searching my dead eyes.

“Life happened.” I find myself muttering.

“Well life really deserves a punch in the guts and a kick in the head.” he says all this seriously.

The laughter dies in my throat.

Mkhulu sighs, a shuddering breath at his failed attempt at the joke.

“You know from the moment you told me she was coming and you were letting her stay—some part of me felt betrayed.”

“...”

“It's like you forgot how long it took to heal. All those nights I stayed up crying —we stayed up crying for ma, for Gogo Sophie. It's like you were freely giving her an opportunity to hurt us again.”

“Leonardo,” Mkhulu breathes, his voice wavering. “ I'm so sorry. I just thought that if we gave her another chance and—”

“You have nothing to apologize for Mkhulu.” I cut in, “ I should be apologizing for choosing to ignore the fact that she’s your daughter. I was being selfish.”

“You were just protecting your heart. Something I should have been doing but look now” Mkhulu laughs bitterly,the pain dripping from his tongue.

“We're worse off than we were in the beginning,” he continues, then, “ and it's funny how all this happened in a span of one week. One week!”

He's right. So, so right. My life has crumbled into pieces in this one week.

“I'm to  blame,” Mkhulu speaks, bitterly. “ I caused your aching heart more heartbreak. And I'll live with this guilt for the rest of my —” he breaks down, crying heart wrenching sobs.

It's a phenomenon to see a grown  man cry.

Their sobs sound like it comes from the deepest part of them pulling from the pain they brushed aside time and time again—toughening up.

It's like a deep groaning from their
soul  and it pulls from anyone's heart.

It takes me back to 5 years ago when Mkhulu got on his knees, begging my mother to stay —for me.

As he furiously wipes his tears I step off my stool, making my way towards him.

He covers his face with his hands as he cries and when I place my hand on his shoulder, we meet eyes.

An acknowledgement of our shared misery and pain.

“Mkhulu get up.”

Mkhulu's teary dark eyes flash with recognition, from that moment I told him to not kneel in front of my mother.

He wipes the last of his tears.

And he stands.

He stands to his full height, a head taller than me. I love how my Grandfather doesn't actually need his cane.

“You're not to blame for anything Mkhulu. You're just a good father and some part of you will always be ready to love your daughter even if she doesn't.”

“...”

“You've been good to me and I'm grateful to have you in my life.Even if I have no one else. Just knowing that I have you…I know that everything will be alright.”

He smiles through the pain in his eyes.

“You're too good for me.” he says, placing his hands on my shoulders.

“For though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again” Mkhulu quotes, determination settling on his face.

“Yeah,this is just one of those falls.”

He nods.

❄️❄️❄️

“Goal!!!!”

Mkhulu and I erupt in joyous laughter, watching the soccer game on the television. It's one of the things we haven't done in awhile and it makes my heart rest easy.

We watch the game while snacking on cornflakes and  for a moment we escape from all the pain

We've finally stopped crying but I don't necessarily believe we're done.

I don't think men are ever done crying.

You see we bottle up our pain so much until it explodes overflowing with these heart wrenching emotions but we don't let the bottle of pain pour out.

Instead we close the bottle back up, leaving the rest of the pain in there and bottling up even more pain until it happens all over again.

It's a cycle.

Not a healthy one.

But it's a cycle.

“I missed this,” Mkhulu smiles at me, taking his eyes off the commercial playing on T.V.

“Me too.” The smile grows on my face, dimples prominent.

“And I missed talking with you. Like really talking with you about school, your dreams and that Olive girl. I think I missed that one  the most.”

I chuckle, surprised by his words.

“It's true!” Mkhulu adds,laughter touching his words. 

“ Are you and Olive bean still together?”he asks, a hopeful glimmer in his eyes.

“We're not together– together but we're together.” I blush through my words, making Mkhulu chuckle.

“That's good,” he smiles, happy.

"If she breaks your heart, tell her there's a black cane  with her name on it.” Mkhulu teases.

I laugh.

“Mkhulu, you speak like that in public and there will be a jail cell with your name on it.”

He waves it off unbothered, “ This generation is too soft.”

“Ohhh here we go again!” I complain, internally wanting him to carry on.

I missed this.

“Just because you don't want to hear it doesn't mean it's not true. I mean these days everybody's walking on eggshells with everyone!” Mkhulu banters, his dark eyes inflamed with passion.

“Preach.” I snicker and he rolls his eyes.

“Leonardo, you won't even believe this.One moment I was at the grocery store looking for some apples  and I asked one of the employees if they'd packed any. Guess what she said?”

“Uhh they didn't have any apples.”

“No. She told me that I should kindly step away and stop speaking offensively to her. Then she started crying causing a commotion —people gathered around thinking I did something —”

The laughter that bubbles out makes Mkhulu smile even though he sounds frustrated from the story.

“Anyway, a lady not too far from the crowd was ready to call the police but as the God fearing man I am —I yelled for everyone to hear that I just wanted apples. Apples."

“...”

“ The crowd started talking amongst each other debating on who looked like the bad guy and obviously the crying girl won more sympathy than the angry old man. Another employee who was consoling the girl walked up to me. Guess what he said?”

“What?”

“He said Apples is her trigger word! Apples!”

I laugh loud and I laugh hard.

Mkhulu joins in a moment later.

“What happened next?”

Mkhulu huffs, annoyance flashing in his face. “I was escorted out of the store.”

“But did you get your apples?”

Mkhulu smiles. “ Yeah. I got my apples at a different store. Anyway now I'm traumatized. I'm never asking anyone where the apples are again.”

❄️❄️❄️

Saturday seemed to drag on and maybe it's because after Mkhulu and I retired to our room, the misery set in.

But compared to the week I'd just gone through this was like the best day of my life.

Pathetic, I know.

My phone rings and I pick it up, settling on my bed.

“Hey.” Olivia greets through the phone.

“Hi.”

“So where are we meeting up today?”she asks, making my stomach drop.

“...”

“... Leonardo? Leonardo, are you still there?”

“I'm still here Olivia, “I sigh into the phone, laying on my back so I can stare at the ceiling.

“You okay?”

“Yes…no…maybe.”

“She's gone isn't she?”

“She left yesterday. And you know what the crazy part is?”

“...”

“ The crazy part was that some part of me actually believed that she would stay.”

“Leonardo,”Olivia breathes,tender.

“Anyway I don’t wanna talk about it right now.I’ll cry about it later.”

“You promise?”

I chuckle. “ Promise.”

“Good.”

“Look Olivia, I can't meet up with you today. I don't even want to think about stepping out of the house.So would it be okay with you if  we  asked the  question over the phone?”

“I completely understand Leo. It's okay and anyway my siblings are surprisingly all gone so we don't have to worry about anyone eavesdropping.”

“Really? So nobody is there to hear me say how much I love you!!” I belt out the last words, making her laugh.

“Hush! I said my siblings aren't home. My mother's still here and If  she sees me smiling the way I am right now she’ll think I have a boyfriend or something.”

“Well, don't you?” I counter, smirking.

“No. I don't.”

I just know she's blushing.

“Yeah,more like a lover than a boyfriend.”

“You have some nerve sir!” Olivia laughs,”I could drop the phone anytime —just saying.”

“But you haven't,” an unstoppable smile grows on my face. “ You're still here.”

“... Question 17?” she asks, sounding flustered.

“The answer is yes I'll marry you.”

Olivia laughs. “ That's not the question.”

“It isn't?” I fake ignorance.

“The question is: What is your most treasured memory?”

“Ladies first.”

She chuckles.

When she speaks into the phone her voice is softer,sweeter. Like she's singing me a lullaby with the words she speaks.

It warms my heart and heightens my senses, making me aware of every breath she takes and every one she doesn't.

“It always goes back to Mrs O Farrell. A primary teacher of mine that I still remember to this day…”

“It was the year  I was doing badly in school. It was weird. I went from top of the class to an idiot.”

I snicker.

“Laugh now but it wasn't funny then. I swear it was like someone stole my brain cells. Is that possible?”

“No it's not. Well not that I know of. I'll ask Dominique.”

“Anyway  everything was a mess. I didn't feel like me. But it all settled in on the Awards ceremony that I received an award in every year. Well that year I got absolutely nothing. I felt like a failure.”

“...”

“I wanted to just get out of there and take a really long sad nap.”

“Those are the best.” I cut in.

“I know right. Anyway Mrs O’ Farrell was at the door congratulating all the students who got something and I tried to pass quickly so she wouldn't see me but she saw me…”

“...”

“I gestured with my hands that I got nothing —too ashamed to even speak. You know what she did, Leo?”

“..”

“She  told me about the amazing work ethic  I had and how amazing I was and  how much she believed in me and so much more. It was the most beautiful thing ever.”

“You're the most beautiful thing ever.”

She chuckles. “ You're such a boy.”

“What do you mean I'm such a boy?”

“Well boys always get super flirty in texts and calls. “

“... I'm not super flirty.”

“You totally are! You called yourself my lover.”

“Fine.Wait, all boys do this with you?”

“Well not me but the boys that talk or call Alicia. “

“Good. But if any boy does flirt with you. You'll tell me, right ?”

“Is that jealousy I hear?” she teases.

“ Nope. You're speaking to Leonardo.”

“ Oh because it sounded like jealousy.”

I laugh.

“Anyway, you literally have nothing to worry about there's absolutely no competition. Like no competition at all.”

“ That's because they're all blind.”

“... question 17.”

“Fine, my most treasured memory is…when I was still a little boy outside with my grandfather. The sun was shining and it was the bluest sky. I told you about the story of how I  knew I wanted to be a pilot, right?”

“Yeah you told me.”

“Well when Mkhulu told me it was a plane and that someone was flying it —I knew that's what I wanted to be. I told him that I was gonna be a pilot and he looked at me with this look that told me I could do anything… “

“...”

“He told me I shouldn't forget about him when flying in the sky. I know that parents look at kids that way—even when they say they want to be a superhero or an alien from Mars.”

She laughs.

“But every time I talk about my dreams with Mkhulu he still looks at me that same way.  That look that I can do anything. It makes me know that he wasn't lying to protect my feelings. That he truly believed good things about me from the beginning.”

“That's amazing Leonardo.”

“...”

“ You wanna know something Leo.”

“What Olivia?”

“Even though now you're in unimaginable pain. There's still hope of having more treasured memories.”

“...”

“These questions get me thinking sometimes, Leo. I realize that when I answer them I always talk about the good things in past tense but I want to believe.  I want the both of us to believe that there's still better days awaiting us even though today's a really crappy day.”

“Thank you Olivia. I really needed that.”

“Anytime,” she breathes, tender.

“If you're in my future there's no doubt in my mind that it's gonna be beautiful.”

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

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