8th of November  2023 🥀

" You know as much as your lovesick mind would love to think that it's only you and Olivia on this planet! There are other people in this world too Leonardo!" Mkhulu belted.

I had just woken up from a deep deep sleep and that was the first thing he said. No context. No good morning.

I was confused.

"Have you been standing over my bed waiting for me to wake up?" I ask, rubbing the sleep from my eyes.

Mkhulu looks absolutely baffled. "That is not the point. The point is —I'm angry."

"I can tell.Would you like to tell me why you're angry or do you wanna keep watching me sleep."

I chuckle ,"Seriously, how long did you stand there? Weren't you the one who complained to me a few weeks ago about having weak knees."

Mkhulu sighs, taking a seat on the edge of my bed,he leans on his black cane. He shoots me a glare.

" I'm upset with you okay," he says,his gruff voice soft.

" You opened up to Olive bean but
treated me like I was a stranger and don't ask how I know you opened up to her. I saw it on your face yesterday when you came back from school. You had this silly smile on your face that even if I smacked you with this cane you'd still be smiling."

A silence.

"It was the stress of school okay. The stress of failing. "

He scoffs, rolling his eyes.

"Please you're the smartest person in the July family. I mean it."

"Yeah well…I'm still human. And I didn't open up to Olivia because I love her. I'm honestly quite... embarrassed about yesterday and wished you didn't remind me. I mean— crying in front of a girl?!! She must think I'm a wimp or—"

Mkhulu bursts out laughing, his cane clanking to the floor. He's full blown laughing in my face. I take it in like a man.

"And you wonder why I don't open up to you." I mutter, humiliated.

He tries to control himself and he ends up coughing terribly.

"I'm sorry—I just wasn't expecting that. Crying huh? It was that bad?"

"It was that bad. I would have opened up to a clown in the street with the way I was bottling things up. She  just happened  to be there at the moment I couldn't control myself. I'm thankful but embarrassed."

Mkhulu chuckles softly, a glimmer in his brown eyes.

"I remember the first time Sophie saw me crying. It was like the best-worst feeling. "

"Gogo saw you cry?"

"Tons of times but I'll never forget the first time. It was…it was so …so embarrassing. I mean I was full blown ugly crying, wiping snot on her scarf—that's why she told me to keep it."

We laugh.

"Anyway, it stopped being embarrassing in our 4th year of marriage. Don't worry too much about it Leonardo. "

"I won't and thank you "

"For what?"

"How you handled everything yesterday. For worrying about me and wanting me to open up. I don't know if I've ever said this but you're a really great grandfather."

And for the first time in a long time, Mkhulu's face breaks into a full blown smile, a compliment on  his trimmed beard. His brown eyes are aglow with happiness.

"I don't know if I've ever told you this" Mkhulu says, "But your room stinks, seriously man —open the windows. "

❄️❄️❄️

I wasn't writing any exams today so I spent the day relaxing. I didn't want another mental breakdown nor did I need to cry in front of Olivia again. I know Mkhulu said to get over it but I just —

I just can't get over it!

What must she think of me?

In my opinion there are lots of pros and cons to love. One of the cons would be to never really know what the other person is thinking. I mean in all my life I've never wanted to get into someone's head so much like Olivia's.

Mkhulu usually says what he means to your face whether you like it or not but Olivia…

Oh Olivia!!

I just feel like her eyes are speaking a different language. A language that I would so want to be fluent in.

I think this is one of the biggest cons to love. I'll never really know what she's thinking. I mean she might share a bit here and there but to truly know….

To see everything from her point of view. That is a privilege I will never have.

It consumes my very thoughts; so much so I wanted to send Olivia a text saying —'I want to get inside your mind Olivia'.

I didn't send it. I mean, she already saw me cry there's no need to stack up on the embarrassments.

❄️❄️❄️

The sun shone down on Mayfield park like it was heaven on earth. The grass was the greenest and a few flowers were blooming. I sat on the bench, dressed to impress waiting for Olivia.

And yes I was still thinking about the same thing.

What if scientists created a machine that would make people read minds? That would be, an invasion of privacy on a whole other level.

And then the question came to me.

Would I want Olivia to know everything that was on my mind?

The answer is a straight hard no. I chuckled to myself, probably looking like a maniac but who cares.

I love Olivia and I've committed this whole month to sharing the deepest parts of myself with her but there's just some thoughts I'll keep to myself. Some moments, some feelings.

Not because I don't trust her but I just don't believe that you should give so much of yourself away in love that you begin to lose yourself.

You are what you know.

I don't want her to lose herself either. I don't want us to get lost in love. So maybe I'll never know everything that's on her mind but everything that she shares will be all the more sacred.

Olivia, the center of my thoughts materializes in the park dressed in a yellow sundress that flows in the summer breeze. She smiles the sweetest of smiles, a twinkle in her eyes. I swear it's like the sun just took all its attention off me, the grass and even the flowers just to shine on her. Like she was the sun's main attraction.

I found myself meeting her halfway.

"Hi Leonardo," she greets, music to my ears.

I engulf her in a hug, twirling her around until the softest laughter escapes her lips. When I finally put her down I'm sure that  I am  beaming, my dimples ready to burst.

"You look—wow."

She blushes, curtsying playfully.

"Thank you, your majesty."

I laugh.

When we sat on the bench, a comfortable silence settles over us. I realize how empty the park is since most people are at school or work.

Whatever Mkhulu said this morning felt like a lie. It felt like we were the only people left on earth.

"Question 7 ?" she says, her voice wavering for a second.

I glance over at her to see her looking ahead, the sky her focal point. Her arms are folded over herself and even a blind person could see that she is uncomfortable.

Again, those thoughts of wanting to know what she is thinking came to me.

I didn't check today's question because of how stressed I had been. I quickly pulled out my phone and looked at the question on my notes app.

"Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?" I read out.

"..."

"C-can you—can  you go first?" she says, her voice so close to a whisper.

"Sure I—I —yes. Sure" I stutter, awkward.

My mind couldn't fathom the sudden tension in the air.

" Mine is kinda dumb so don't laugh—"

She chuckles, relieving a little bit of the tension in my heart.

" Just some context before I answer —I've never been on a train. Never seen a train in real life except for this one time in a movie but—"

Laughter bursts out of her, and she looks at me in disbelief while trying to control herself. It's  so contagious I find myself laughing with her.

"Why on earth would you think you'd die on a train?" she exclaims, laughter touching her words.

"I don't know. I don't know. That's the answer that always comes to my mind. Maybe it's a childhood trauma or something. "

We laugh even harder.

"Maybe my mother left me on the train tracks when I was younger," I continue,the laughter dying down to satisfying sighs.

"So I'm guessing you're deathly afraid of trains?"

"Mam. I am going nowhere near a train station."

We chuckle.

Olivia looks at the blue expanse of the sky with fluffy clouds moving to the tune of God's hands and I wonder…

Her eyes flutter shut for a moment, like it's too painful to even speak.  I suddenly feel so helpless.

She opens her eyes, a strength I've never seen glimmering in them.

"I… used to think that for sure it would be—suicide."

Everything stills. The sun suddenly feels like an uninvited guest in this dull moment.

"I just could not see myself… ma-making it and even when things got a little better I still felt like I would eventually kill myself."

She takes in a breath, it's long, harsh and painful. The kind of breath that makes it seem like your lungs are allergic to air.

"I realize  now, how much healing I needed in my mind. In my heart… but right now I'm more than okay. I'm at peace and I have no idea how I will die but it won't be suicide."

"..."

A few tears escape her eyes but she smiles through them.

Then it all comes back to me in flashes. This whole year; all that time watching her smile so beautifully from across the room like it's what she was born to do.

All those smiles she gave everyone; even to those who labeled her as a simple girl.

Every single smile, like the break of dawn.

Nothing.

Nothing  is as beautiful as the smile she holds on her face right now, the tears trailing down her cheeks like rain on a diamond.

It's real, raw and beautiful and it's everything I never saw all those times I watched her from across the room and it's like I finally understand this…

This is what it means to be close.

"I'm so glad you stayed Olivia" I croak out, trying my best to keep the tears at bay.

But I can't.

I couldn't even if I wanted to. I felt this searing pain in my chest knowing that some that I loved so dearly  even for a second thought  that her life didn't matter. That it wasn't worth living.

"Even now... Just sitting here with you if you asked me to close my eyes and picture a life without you. Without you—I couldn't even imagine that."

The tears trail down my cheek and it feels like someone is squeezing my heart hard.

"Olivia even if we don't end up together." I confess ,the words tasting bitter on my tongue.

"Even if I never see you again. I just want you to know that you've given me the best moments of my life—the sweetest moments of my life and that—that can't mean nothing. You're an amazing girl and I'm so blessed to have you in my life just like everyone else is blessed to have you."

I look at her and it's like I was looking at her for the very first time and it's like she was looking at me for the very first time. We both had tears running down our cheeks and smiles on our faces.I feel this so deeply, this burning in my chest for her.

Just for her.

She is beautiful. So,so  beautiful and it's like all those other times I called her beautiful I didn't actually know what the word meant.

Olivia had that type of beauty that had many layers; like an onion .

Every time you peeled she began to unravel before your eyes.

She was unraveling before my eyes and tears were bound to spring forth.

She was unraveling before my eyes and she was absolutely beautiful.

"You mean alot to me Olivia, always "

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

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7.Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

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