7th  of November 2023🥀

" I'm strong and courageous."

I stared straight at the mirror, dark eyes wavering and stance firm but every affirmation I spoke felt like a lie. It felt like every time I said something good about myself out loud, the silence would laugh at me.

I considered myself a mostly confident guy. I took care of myself,loved my hair. Did well in school and whatever was a mess I trusted God to work out.

But there would be these moments in my life. Moments where I'd fall into a rut. Moments where I couldn't pick myself up or even look at myself. Where I felt more fragile than glass.

Moments like these, where sadness would fill my heart and I wouldn't really understand why. I shook off these feelings and started to get ready for school. Today was the Physics Exam and I know I've been portraying this whole  'I got this' attitude but I  was really freaking out about messing up in this exam.

I couldn't fail today.
I just couldn't.

I stepped into the kitchen where Mkhulu flipped the pancakes and they came out looking oddly shaped.

"Morning."

He looked up and gave me a small smile.

"Sleep well?"

"Y-yeah" I said, voice cracking.

I hoped he didn't hear it.

I busied myself by pouring juice for the both of us. Anything to stop myself from thinking. Mkhulu dished the pancakes on the plate, settling on to his stool across from me.

I sat back down, taking hold of my glass of juice and hating how my hands trembled almost making the juice spill. I slammed the glass down, hiding my trembling hand underneath the table and squeezing my thigh.

My heart rate picked up to an alarming beat and it felt like it was violently slamming against my chest. I couldn't eat.

"You're oddly quiet."

I didn't respond.

"Is it about your mother?"

"It's not about her."

"Do you —"

" I don't want to talk about it."

I know, it was wrong shutting him out like that but I just couldn't understand myself as well. How could I explain myself to him?

He had a frown on his face and instantly all my problems and feelings didn't matter.

I looked down at the pancakes I didn't even touch. I lifted one up, scrutinizing it, then " This one kinda looks like a donkey."

Mkhulu looks up,a glimmer of something in his dark eyes. He looks at the piece of pancake I hold up and he smiles.

"It does, doesn't it? But a very fat donkey."

I chuckle, picking another pancake off my plate.  " This one on the other hand looks like the moon but if it was punched by God."

Mkhulu laughs at this,my heart becoming a little at ease by the sound of his gruff laughter.

He lifts one of his weird shaped pancakes off his plate, scrutinizing it. "This one is like a wig"

We laugh.

And for the next few minutes, Mkhulu and I tease the pancakes he made. Don't get me wrong, they're delicious.

It's just that he's tried and he's tried but he's failed every time. Mkhulu cannot get the pancakes to be in that perfect circle shape.

They always come out looking like some dinosaur with a hunched back or an octagon. So we both started playing a little game of what his pancakes reminded us of.

I know that Mkhulu wanted to ask me why I wasn't eating. He looked at me with so many questions in his eyes. Unfortunately,I had no answers. I pretended to take sips of my juice but really I was just making it touch my lips.

I looked at the watch on my wrist. "Thank you for breakfast Mkhulu. I have to be at school now." I pulled on my blazer,then my black bag that was on the floor.

Mkhulu stepped towards me fixing my tie,his eyes met mine but mine wavered.

He grasped my shoulders and I held his strong gaze.

"The Lord be with you" he simply said.

That was all it took for my eyes to well up with tears. Sometimes that's all you need to know. That even in your rut God is with you.

I left the house feeling lighter, the fresh air refreshing something deep within me.

When I stepped onto the school grounds instead of the anxiety ridden students not bothering me. Today it felt contagious. It all came back to me like a weight on my shoulders. The pressure made my heart violently beat against myself.

I know it was rude but I pushed past every one who wanted to talk to me because I just couldn't talk. I couldn't think and when I  was in the store room to escape from everything and everyone I realized that I couldn't breathe.

I took in harsh breaths, but it honestly wasn't enough. My chest was tight like someone was squeezing the life out of my heart and my heart fought with violent pulsing. The tears streamed down my cheeks as I gulped for more air, praying inwardly.

I felt like I was about to die.

The bell rang.

"I'm…st—str—strong and c-c-courag-geous."

I whimpered out that affirmation,in my weakness as I tried to catch my breath, violently wiping at my tears because no matter how unprepared I felt to enter that exam room, I had to show up.

My breaths immediately slowed down, and I just stood there back leaning against the door.

"God help me."

❄️❄️❄️

I stepped out of the Exam room with my chest tight. Honestly I wasn't proud of how I did. I could've done better. I could've done way better. I was glad Dominique wasn't here because he'd see right through my angry facade.When I walked into classroom 16B for the first time I didn't want to be here.

I sat by the last desk in the back row, arms on the table.

I hoped that maybe Olivia didn't come to school today but was proven wrong when moments later she came in smiling.

"Hi" she said beaming.

My heart felt like stone at this moment.Like nothing and no one could break through. I wanted us to answer the question quickly so I could go home and take a nap.

"Hey" I said,my voice low.

I didn't look at her,my eyes were to the ground. I couldn't look at her like this.

Her steps echoed,the closer she got the more my chest felt like it was closing up. She pulled the chair nearest her and sat on it, pushing it in so she'd be across from me,her knees touching mine.

A silence came over us.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. Could we just ask the question. I have something I need to do at home."

"oh…y-yeah o-okay" she said,her voice soft, sounding hurt.

The last thing I wanted to do was hurt her. I looked up and saw her furrowed brows and the worry swimming in her eyes.

She bit her lip.

"D-did I…did I do something wrong?"

"You didn't do anything wrong Olivia. I just don't feel like myself today."

"Why?"

"Could we just stick to the question of the day."

"Sure" she said, light.

She took out her phone from her blazer,and switched it on. For a moment I thought I saw her eyes glossing over with tears but in the blink of an eye it was gone.

"6.I-If you were able to live to the age…of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?"she read out, her voice wavering with emotion.

"Body." I answered.

She lifted her brows as if for me to elaborate. I sighed, " I love running and almost every sport .I just wouldn't be able to be happy without these things in my life. It also brings a sense of freedom."

"What?"

"Running."

She nods. Then there's a tense silence. I know what she's thinking right now. She must be thinking with the way I'm acting—Do I even care about what she has to say?

My fingers move before I know it, lifting up her chin so our eyes can meet.

"What about you?"I ask genuine.

Her eyes hold mine, flickering to every part of my face as if it would pull answers. I know that we're closer now. Close enough for me to see every breath she takes and for her to see the breaths I don't take.

"I would want the mind. I mean I'm 17 and I already have a bad memory.How much more when I'm ninety?" she chuckles.

"You can always exercise and change your body but forgetting is  worse because you'll never know you're missing something.And I pride myself in remembering people's names so yeah."

I smile, a real smile for the first time today. I realize that I'm still holding her chin, she's a little flustered.

I pull away, clearing my throat.

"I'll go now. See you tomorrow " I tell her, I make my way to leave. This close to running but she stops me with her hand grasping my arm.

I turn around and for a moment we just stand there,tense breaths, staring at each other. She pulls me in for a hug and for a moment I just stand there.

My heart jolting with shock that Olivia is actually hugging me! The way she hugs me,with emotion and empathy like it's not just a hug but she's caring for me and soon my arms mold around her body, holding her close. I melt in her arms as she tightens her hold on me, releasing the anxiety and the unease. Like a painkiller.

We stay like that for a while. Our arms around each other,a tear slips passed my eye and I quickly wipe it away. Her lips are close to my ear, sending a shiver down my spine.

"Whatever it is Leo. It's gonna be alright. You know why because you're strong and courageous."

And just like that all the walls I built today come crumbling down and I break down right there and then.
The sobs wrack my body and it's so embarrassing ,I try to stop myself but my emotions don't want to listen.

My heart doesn't want to listen. It just wants to hurt in the arms of Olivia so she can hold me like this. So she can keep rubbing my back the way she does, whispering reassuring words that go straight to my soul. The moments her lips land on my forehead, planting the softest of kisses that only happen in dreams, a spark ignites in me. She wipes my tears, cradling my face and I want to ask her for more kisses.

"What's wrong Leo?"

And I hear God nudging me to tell her. To open up.

I stare into her warm eyes,my heart dancing to the safety.

"I want to be a pilot" I finally say.

"That's incredible!" she says, beaming.

"I've wanted to... for a very long time. I think I was four or five when I pointed at the sky asking Mkhulu what that flying machine was."

She chuckles,her thumbs caressing my cheek, rousing me to open up like a flower.

"He told me it was a plane and I looked him straight in the eye telling him that I was gonna fly a plane . To this day that's the only thing I see myself doing but the thing is…"

I sigh,looking down. She lifts my head,with her soft hands. Her eyes meeting mine, nudging me to go on.

"When you're a child dreaming is fun. It's cool but when you get older. When you're our age it's time to carry the responsibility of those dreams. It's up to you to make your dreams happen and it feels like the pressure is on. You don't want to disappoint your younger self or your parents. In today's Exam….I just wasn't sure Olivia. I wasn't sure."

Then the floodgates opened up and I started crying all over again,broken.

I held her close to me, desperate. Our bodies molding into one and eventually I calmed down to the sweet tune she softly hummed in my ear.

It was such a soothing sound, barely audible if you didn't listen close enough. It was so perfect. The sweetest serenade, the greatest comfort. No words shared, just soft humming that took me to a place of peace.

I closed my eyes, breathing her in and it settled in my heart that I was falling hard for this girl.

Not like before where I would watch her from afar but up close and personal where I could see her rough edges. Where she could see mine and it scared me but it also made something in me soar.

If I could hit pause on a moment it would be this. My heart steadied to a rhythm that might have been hers, the warmth encompassed me like she was the sun herself.

"Thank you Olivia.Thank you for being my friend today. I really needed this."

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

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6.If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?"

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