Today was a bad day for me. Like really bad. It was like I was looking around for anything that was good about my day to try and make myself feel better.

1. Everyone was super happy to see me at my first stop. One of the guys said I always got your back, haha, it was only in regards to moving a car but it still felt good regardless.

2. Got breakfast from Hungry Jacks. Was better than McDonalds. The staff were nicer too. Another win.

3. Next stop. The new guy was ridiculously happy to see me and told me that he'd been waiting for me to arrive. He then looked super concerned at my appearance and offered to get me a coffee. I must have looked really tired. It was really sweet that he actually gave a crap.

I was tired. Everything about me was tired today. I woke up with a twinge in my back that made it hard to move. Even putting on clothes was a freaking effort for me. It hurt to move. It hurt to bend. It just bloody hurt.

Last night was hard for me too. Despite saying that I potentially had a really busy day tomorrow, I was still dragged into, I don't know, a discussion(?) that just ended up making me feel like shit. Like everything I do is just wrong. I'm sorry, I didn't know that actually thinking about you and trying to cheer you up was such a bad thing. I knew you'd had a shitty day the other week, and you know what, I just wanted to make you smile. That was the only motive. But no, I did it because I thought you were upset with me. Not just because. And I guess what really hurt was that, at the time, you really seemed to appreciate it. And then you did the same for me this morning. The gesture, even though was greatly appreciated, still had that hang over feeling of what you said the night before. The sweetness overshadowed by the sourness.

I started thinking about everything today, yeh I have a lot of time on my hands to think now days, and I started to think about how apparently I don't go out of my comfort zone for you. You do, but I don't. Apparently I sit in my happy little bubble and don't get out. That actually hurt - a lot. I get out of my comfort zone more than you could imagine. I know I don't articulate out loud everytime about doing this, but it doesn't mean that I still don't do it. The fact that I'm not overly verbose about it seems to be going against me.

From the start, nearly every SINGLE aspect of our relationship was out of my comfort zone. And still continues to be so. Even the simple act of opening up, about anything, is out of my comfort zone. Letting someone into my world in a way where you are privy to my innermost thoughts and I share parts of myself with you is out of my comfort zone. Letting you in on different levels is out of my comfort zone. I'm constantly out of my comfort zone for you and you keep pushing for more. Its like the effort that I make just isn't enough. Today, it felt like nothing was enough.

Nothing at all... I spent most of my day holding back tears, feeling helpless and angry. I couldn't see any good in today, which is why I tried to seek it out in others. I smiled through my pain, my hurt, my utter feeling of nothingness... It was really, really hard today.

A lot of what I write, or say, is just to be heard. I don't need a response. I just need to be heard. And again, caring about being heard is out of my comfort zone too.

Sometimes it feels like I'm not really heard. Like my words are just falling on deaf ears, only being half heard. Or sometimes not even at all.