Today was an ok day for me. It was a lot harder yesterday. Yesterday, all I wanted to do was hide away. I shunned outside contact, not knowing how to say I'm not ok. I'm struggling. But to tell the truth, I'm not good at asking for help. If anything, I loath reaching out and asking. If I could, I'd just hide away until the feeling passes, so much easier that way.

I found a brilliant word to describe how I felt yesterday - Lebensmüde. German is such a beautiful language.  The literal translation is life tired. I felt that so strongly yesterday. A deep melancholy and apathy, that made everything a struggle. I tried to run some errands, but all the people around me started giving me anxiety and all I wanted to do was run away and hide. I did. I spent the rest of the day in bed, the stress of being around everyone was just too much.

Today was a strange day. I woke up and felt empty. Not sad. Not hermit like. Just empty and somewhat lost. I also had a deep regret that I made my girlfriend cry last night because I was being a selfish asshole that needed time to herself. That's how it all works in my difficult to understand brain. Not that it was intentional, but it's something that I'll beat myself about mentally. There's a few situations that come to mind when I'm feeling down, they replay over and over again in my mind. Going around in circles again and again. Whether it's better responses to a past argument or perhaps things I could have said or done better.

Today was ok. I smiled through my emptiness. My smile and laughter feeling hollow in my ears. A small part of me wanted to stay home and do nothing again, steeling myself for the working week. Knowing deep inside that I'd have to smile and be understanding while I wait for the people around me to get their shit together and just say that's fine.

Sometimes it's hard to be the person that I'd want to meet. That happy little ray of sunshine that brings happiness instead of that dark emo cloud that shadows the path with a heavy darkness.

The other thing that's been on my mind is when someone asks is there anything I can do to help. The answer is no and yes. A lot of the time, my depressive melancholy does pass on its own eventually. Sometimes it just takes a bit of hiding away and a time out by myself. Other times, I just need to force myself to get out and do something, anything, distracting myself from how I'm feeling. I really don't want to talk about it. It doesn't help. I don't want to explore my darkness. I feel like it's a weakness to even discuss it. If I do discuss it, it's usually when it's passed and it's a victory to feel that I've emerged in the other side, the sky clear of the clouds.

What sometimes helps, is to be asked "Are you ok?" Such a simple question, just three words, but it can help a lot. Other times it's like a deep connection where no words are needed and just a cuddle is appreciated. Just drawing on another's strength to replenish my own. And as crazy as it sounds, sometimes even mundane conversation helps. Just prattling on about the day helps. Look what my pet did, I made a weeks worth of lunches and froze them, seriously, whatever would distract my mind from going around in ridiculous circles.

This first entry has felt cathartic. Like a huge brain dump. I don't know if every day will be this way, but I will challenge myself to write everyday and explore how I feel.

Would love to hear from you cats and kittens in the comments about how you're dealing with your own struggles. You're not alone, even if you're feeling that way.
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