Day 05 - A time you thought about ending your own life.

When I was younger I had a bad period where I would think randomly about different ways I could kill myself. I was pretty numb emotionally at that point, feeling like everything but the sadness I felt had been drained from it. It was a huge effort at the time just to try and pretend to be happy. I would be in the passenger side of a car and just wonder out of the blue what would happen if I just jumped out of the vehicle, if I would actually die or just end up in the hospital in pain. I think it was the thought of the pain I would be in if I survived that kept me from going through with stuff like that.

I had such a fear of pain, it was likely the only thing that kept me alive at that time, until a friend took me to a clinic to get help. I ended up trying a few different pills before I found an anti-depressant that actually worked for me. Prozac just ended up doing more harm than good, numbing everything including the sadness. I got off that, tried something I can't even remember the name of because it was such a mouthful, and later ended up on a low dose of Zoloft. That worked wonders for me and the only side effect I suffered from was dry mouth.

Today, I am off of antidepressants and using other methods to try and keep myself stable but once in a while I fall back into a depression and have to work hard to rise out of it. I don't want to rely on a drug if I don't have to, but if ever I get to a point where I can't get out of the depression or it gets too severe to manage alone, I know that I would rather get back on Zoloft again than to let myself sink back to that numb state that I was in before.

I want to live my life and make something of it, not dwell on thoughts of death. Those days are behind me and I plan on keeping them there.