Twisted Moon - Book 3 of the Black Moon series - Chapter 7: Is It Better Out There?

(Noah's POV - Sat. 28 February 2015)

That had to happen one day. Luck - if that may be called luck - couldn't stay on my side eternally and things couldn't go smoothly forever. I have always been cautious as to remain unnoticed each time I had to go out of the building and back in, always making sure that no trains were passing by and that there were no workers around before I would cross the railways and scurry in or out. I don't even know how they found out that someone was staying in that old abandoned construction, but they did, and now I have to pack up and go.

I was still sleeping when they broke in this morning, Jess curled in a ball against my chest and underneath my clothes. The end of February has been awfully cold and snowy and the poor thing really has had a hard time getting warm. Unfortunately, things are not going to get any better now that we are being thrown out of the building where I had settled down for the last few months. Some guys from the railway company barged in unexpectedly a few minutes ago, waking me up with a start with their shouts, saying I wasn't allowed to stay here; something about how dangerous it could be to stay in a decayed construction where girders and pieces of the roof might fall and crash me at any moment.

Why, just let them crash me! That would end up all my sufferance and worries!

How can I be so selfish and cruel? Jess could be harmed too! And even if he wasn't, who would take care of him then? And yet, I can't help thinking that despite all the love I will ever give him, he shall never expect a great life with me. I should actually hand him to an animal shelter, hoping that some nice people will come and adopt him. That would be the best opportunity for the puppy, rather than having to spend his days and nights in the cold; he could find a warm and comfortable home with kind owners.

As if he was able to read my mind, Jess snaps his teeth into the sleeve of my anorak and gently pulls on it, looking at me with his big pleading eyes. I quickly brush my gloved fingers on his head, but the two men might get impatient while I finish packing, so I try to hurry up, putting everything in my duffle bag. I do not own that much of course apart from my clothes, a couple of blankets, some toiletries and other useful accessories, but not having eaten since yesterday morning and still being half asleep doesn't help, so my moves are quite slow.

After I have gathered all my stuff in my bag under the patient watch of both men, they show me out through a door I never used before and warn me that they had better not find me here again, or else I would have to deal with the police. I am feeling grateful that they didn't call them already because I don't need more troubles. I don't have a collar or a leash for Jess and I don't want to take the risk of seeing him walk onto the street and get ran over, so once I have passed the railways, I stop for a minute and slip him beneath my clothes where he will feel warmer, only his head popping out between my scarf and the zipper of my coat.

"Well, we need to find a new home, baby..." I sigh to him, already regretting our little place. It wasn't great and it was stinking, but at least we were not disturbed by other people. I had gotten used to the noise of the trains running next to the building and it was not worse than hearing cars when you sleep under a bridge. Pulling on my hat to make sure it covers my ears, I slowly head to the South. I haven't set a foot on the East side of The Loop since Wednesday last week when I met that tall guy again and don't intend to do so again.

I saw how his expression turned to something slightly... softer when he recognized me and I can't tell if he meant me any harm, but I should think so after I stole his money. And yet, there was something... appeasing in him... I don't know... it was weird. However, now that I know where he works, I would rather avoid the area as much as possible.

With that weather, the Loop hasn't offered me much recently anyway. I wanted to spend a late afternoon begging earlier this week and went to the extreme South of that district, hoping that people getting out of their work places would be a bit generous, but after nearly four hours out in the cold getting barely a dollar, I realized that it was useless; though, I could easily gather the Why would I give the money that I earn from working to you who don't work? Besides, I was missing Jess too much. I never took him out with me when I had to leave the building because I thought he was warmer entangled in the blankets and clothes, but I hated leaving him alone for too long. What would have happened if those guys had arrived while I wasn't there and took him away?

Anyway, before I decide on where I am going to crash tonight, the first thing I need to do, though, is to get something to eat for Jess and me. I am not that hungry after all these months not feeding myself properly; my stomach must have shrunk to a smaller size, but I know that I need to eat at least a little to keep my body moving. I pull out the rest of cash I have from the pocket of my anorak and feel the tears prickling my eyes. One dollar and 79 cents. I can't buy much with that and Jess being a puppy, he needs it more than I do.

As I walk further South, I consider my options and there are not that many. I guess I will have to do that again. Sell my body. Just thinking about it makes me feel sick and only increases the loath I have for myself; I am feeling so dirty for prostituting myself and thorns of pain are already tearing my brain, but at the end of the day, this is what brings me the most money in the littlest time. I was very careful not to waste the forty dollars I earned the first time from that gentleman and it lasted quite a few days, but when I ran short, I tried it again, almost hoping I would see that limo again. It took me more time that day to find a client and in the end, I only made ten bucks because the guy said that my skills didn't deserve more than that. I felt so humiliated and self-repulsed; so much so that the cuts on my arms after I sucked his disgusting and stinking dick grew consequently. At least he didn't get me to swallow his cum but I still couldn't help dry-heaving after he left.

After what seems to me like an eternity, I reach a residential area and stop in a park where I pull Jess from my clothes so that he can go and relieve himself. I really don't need him to pee on me when that is the only rather clean outfit I have left. Washing your clothes when you are homeless and without much money is not the easiest thing either. What I usually do is use my soap bar and clean them in some public toilets, but hell! This is winter! And wet clothes take ages to dry at the moment, so as much as I can, I try to stay clean and with the little effort I do each day, I can't say that I really sweat, so I usually allow myself to wear the same clothes for a week and the same underwear for two or three days... Disgusting much, but I don't have enough clothes to change more often.

After we have shared the pack of cookies I bought on our way there, Jess and I spend the rest of the afternoon in this park, but then it gets unbearably cold and for once, I actually really feel hungry, so I get back to my feet and walk... and walk... and walk. Same problem as ever... no money, no food... I dream about a nice warm meal. I'm not picky and I would go for about anything that is warm. I would be content with a simple soup of potatoes and leek as long as it is warm. Ugh... my stomach growls like it hasn't in a long time, and Jess even pricks up his ears.

"Sorry, buddy..." I murmur, kissing the top his head that barely sticks out of my clothes. "What do you think I should do, Jess? Should I go and try to find a potential c..."

"Look at that guy talking to himself!" someone suddenly scoffs with heavy contempt. It is dark now; it might be seven or eight but I can't be sure. Living on the streets, you don't pay much attention to clock. I raise my eyes toward the voice and I am actually met with three men in their twenties. They seem to be coming from the gas station shop I am passing by and the three of them are guffawing like idiots, walking in my direction.

"Hey boy! You're talking to yourself?" one of them asks. I decide to ignore them and try to pass around the three guys but they block my way by shifting left to right. "Hey! Answer when I ask a question!"

"I was talking to my dog..." I mumble, hoping it will satisfy his curiosity.

"How cute..." he chants, the others laughing as if there was anything funny in what he said.

"The fag talks to his puppy..." another joins in.

"Hey, I have a question for you, kid! Is it true that faggots suck better than women?" one asks.

"Yeah that sounds logical! Only men know what other men really like... So, is that true?" the second adds.

"Can you show us how good you can suck???"

"Come on! Show us if you can do better than our girlfriends!" They keep asking questions and don't leave me time to answer, but I don't really care because an idea forms in my head that my conscience tries to push away with guilt. However, I can already picture Jess eating some nice doggy food; and me enjoying a warm meal.

"If you pay, I can show you..." I reply at some point between two questions.

"Seriously?" one of them huffs. "Do you really think we would pay you to suck our dicks?" The others laugh out at their friend's comment.

"That's twenty each. Otherwise, just leave me alone..." I say as I start to spin on my heels and walk away. I hear them whisper between themselves, their voices fading away, before one of the guys calls out to me.

"Hey! Wait! What about forty bucks for the three of us?" he offers. I pull to a stop, still facing away from them. Forty bucks is surely underpaid, but it would definitely help... If I hurry up, I would even have time to find an abandoned warehouse in the area after having a decent dinner. I slowly turn back to look at them, trying to ignore the self-condemnation that fills me.

"Deal... But I want the money first," I reply, making them laugh hard.

"It doesn't work like this, boy. You suck, then you get the bucks. If you do a great job, we might even give you more..." Ugh, I know I shouldn't trust, but Jess, who had sneaked back under my clothes, chooses that moment to yap at the same time as my stomach growls again.

"I want at least half of it before I start..." I try. The guys glance at each other during a few seconds for a silent conversation, until one of them pulls out a twenty-dollar bill from the pocket of his jeans and hands it to me.

"We have a deal, then..." he says, smirking at me. "Let's go to the outside restrooms behind the station!"

I could run away with the cash, but with my duffle bag and Jess, I am certain that they would me immediately, so I follow them around the gas station and they open the door of an attached building at the back. Once they have shut the door, I drop my bag on the dirty floor and grab Jess by the thick skin of his neck to put him inside with the money.

"Be a good boy, and I'll get you some nice food..." I murmur to him.

When I turn back to the men who have formed a small half circle, they are already unbuckling their belts and opening their jeans. Think about Jess... Their faces wear awful smug expressions as they pull out their erections. Think about a warm meal... They all grab their shafts and shake them in my direction, wearing pervert grins on their faces. A nice and warm soup... Like a robot, I go to kneel between them, gulping with difficulty. Just plain soup... I begin with the one in the middle, which is the smallest yet rather thick organ and lick its tip before I swirl my tongue around the head, forcing myself to ignore their groans when I start bobbing my head back and forth.

"Hey, don't go too fast..." another one says after a couple of minutes, grabbing a handful of hair at the back of my head and pulling me to him. I proceed similarly with this one whose organ is longer and just as thick as the first one, before the third guy asks for his share.

"Yeah, that's it, bitch... You're doing great... Oh fuck that's good... You're such a slut... Oh yeah, go on, whore..."

Nausea seizes me at the truth of their insulting comments. I hate them but they are so true; I am becoming a whore and I detest it; I cannot let this go on and evolve to worse things. I mean, I am dealing with three men at the same time right now! What is the next step going to be? Sell my ass? Ugh, just thinking about it and how disgusting I am has pain shoot through my head. However, now is not the right time to dwell on my emotions, so the more they grunt their insults through their moans and groans, the better I apply myself to bring them to their climax as fast as possible because I want to get this over with. I focus my thoughts on more pleasant things; my puppy greedily eating his dog food; me filling my growling stomach; a good night in a warm place.

"Come on... take it..." the one in the middle says at some point, holding my head to his private area and making me grab his thighs for support.

"Oh yeah... comin' too..." the two other guys say as I feel the warm substance fill my mouth while spurts of semen reach the sides of my face from the other two. I try to pull away, but the man holds me firmly to him and I end up having no other choice than to swallow part of his juices, letting some spill at the corners of my mouth. "Oh fuck, that was good!!"

I hear them laugh as I slump back on my knees, exhausted by this awful day, but relieved that I am done with this disgusting part. They tuck themselves back in and start heading for the exit.

"Hey... my money..." I ask, trying to rise up to my feet, but a hard kick reaches my side and a fist hits my face, still covered with their substances, making me fall back on the floor, groggy with the blow.

"Shit! We almost forgot to get the cash back!" I hear one of them exclaim.

"Please no..." I mumble in my drowsiness, yet feeling the panic strike me.

"Did you really believe we would pay for that??" one of them huffs and they all laugh out. Oh my God, no... I need that money! That can't happen! I should get up and beat them down but I just can't. My body refuses to move as I hear them fumbling in my stuff.

"Get outta here!" I hear one man say, followed for the high-pitched yap of a puppy. No!!! They're not allowed to harm my little Jess!!!

"Don't touch him!!!" I will myself to yell and at the same time, I get another kick in my back.

"Forget it... he must be a homeless... there can't be anything interesting in his bag..." one guys sighs impatiently.

"Want a teddy bear for your sister, dude?" the one fumbling in my bag asks, and I vaguely see him pulling out my white little bear. No... please no... That's the one precious thing I have! I can't let them have it... they shouldn't even touch it!!! It was Lea's...

"Ugh no way... that bag is full of shit, just leave it..."

"Yeah let's go..."

I almost sigh with relief when I finally hear them open the door, sending a breeze of freezing air inside the room, and my eyes close on their own accord. My body is aching and I am so exhausted. This is all fucked up. Before I drowse off, some small squealing yaps echo in my ear and a little tongue licks on my forehead. Jess... I need to get up... for him... but then there is only darkness.

I don't how long I lay on my stomach on that dirty floor, among the smells of urine and other things I don't want to think about, but at some point, the constant high-pitched barking brings me back to consciousness. As the memories of what happened tonight immediately flash back in, I feel the urge to throw up but all I manage is dry-heaving. Jess whimpers as I try to calm down and I eventually sit against a wall and grab him in my arms to hold his little body to my chest, rubbing my fingers from the top of his head to his tail.

"I'm so sorry, puppy, I'm such a failure..." I tell him, my voice cracking and tears spilling from my eyes. The adorable thing that he is only whimpers more and moves to lick the tears on my face. However, the need for some pain surges so I quickly pull up my sweatshirt and tee-shirt, open my jeans, grab my knife and reopen three of the scars on my lower belly, immediately finding some relief at the sting caused by the blade. The cuts are not deep and it doesn't bleed that much, so I simply put my clothes back into place and pull Jess into my arms again.

After a long moment of cuddles, I decide that I can't stay here, and the stench is beginning to make me feel sick again. As usual, I stick the puppy beneath my sweatshirt, and I get ready to leave. Those idiots spilled the contents of my bag on the floor so I put everything back into it, relieved to see that they didn't steal the cute little white bear. As I take the soft toy in my shaking hands, old memories flash into my mind. I remember how I was five years old when my parents decided to wipe the slate clean of the past and emptied my twin sister's bedroom, throwing everything out on the pavement. They already hated me at that time and they didn't even notice when I went out later that night and got back the little bear from the trash can where it was laying.

They never knew that I kept it. I always made sure to hide it in my bedroom and would only take it out at night to sleep with me. Ever since then, it never left my side. After I turned ten, I used to just keep it inside my pillowcase, but it was always there with me. It made me feel better and soothed my sorrow when I was sad. Every time I felt hurt, I would reach out for the soft bear, especially when I started to cut myself. The night I ran away from home, it was the first thing I shoved into my duffle bag. I have to admit that since Jess came into my life, bringing me the comfort I have needed, the little ice bear has spent more time among my clothes and belongings, but I would never get rid of it.

As more tears escape from my eyes, I slip it beneath my sweatshirt with Jess, its head sticking out next to the puppy's, and get up to grab some paper tissue and wipe my face, disgusted by the dried substance leftovers. There is not even a mirror and I can't even check my face before I walk out of the restroom building in the cold. I am a bit confused by the lack of food and the exhaustion. I have no idea about where I am exactly and the night is so cloudy that the moon won't help me. I don't know how late it is either; it might as well be the middle of the night for all I know: there is not a single soul out there and the street is empty.

After a few minutes of walking along what seems to be a residential area with cute little houses bordering the right side, I see a sign that says W Columbus Street. My knees soon start to wobble and I should definitely find a place to crash. As much as I can provide a little warmth to Jess, I am not sure that this will be enough for him. I am already unable to offer him some food, so I should at least make sure that he doesn't die from the cold.

Damn... I am such a disaster... such a useless pet owner... I don't deserve his love or affection. I actually don't even deserve to live... Anyway, my life isn't worth living... I have to stop acting so selfishly... I have to let Jess get some real owners who will provide him with everything that he needs; a home; regular and healthy meals; love; good habits. All these things that I have missed all my life. All the things that he deserves.

As realization hits me and I finally understand that I must bring him to a pet shelter, blinding tears pool in my eyes. There are so many that even once they have started spilling over my cheeks, too many of them remain in my eyes, somehow blinding my sight. But I don't really care. Wherever I am headed, I will find a shelter and leave Jess with them. And then, once that will be done, I will do what I have to do. What I should have done a long time ago.

I wonder if life is better out there. I really wish it had been me not waking up that morning instead of my twin sister Lea. Would my parents have reacted differently if it had been me? Would they have treated her better than they did me? Or would they have stopped loving her in the same they stopped loving me? Would they have put all the blame on her although it wasn't her fault? Would they have accused her of having killing me?

I really don't know. I don't even remember what happened that night, but my parents always told me that it was my entire fault and that I shouldn't have let her sleep with me. I only vaguely remember that she often had nightmares when she was a kid and that she would slip in my bed and cuddle to me. She thought I was like her big brother, but we were just twins and I was also scared by my own nightmares; however, being together always helped us sleep better. The problem was that morning when she didn't wake up...

Now I can't wait to meet her again. I surprise myself wondering if she has remained the little three year old girl that she was, or if she grew up out there. Will I even be able to recognize her?

Another little whimper echoes as I stumble and fall on the pavement. Oh my God, Jess... I am so going to miss you, pup', but I want the best for you and I can only give you the worst... A honk suddenly blows my ears but the tears keep blinding my sight. What the hell is this car doing on the pavement? Isn't the street large enough!?

Fuck! I'm so tired... I need to stop for a minute. My legs just won't carry me anymore. Maybe if I sit down for a couple of minutes, they will recover and accept to take me to a shelter? Another honk bursts out, passing by me... Oh God... it is so cold on the ground! Jess whimpers again. "Shhh pup'... let me just close my eyes for a second," I breathe out. Yeah, just a few seconds... just two little seconds... just a little minute... Holding Jess tighter against my chest, my last thought before I let the darkness take me in is I love you, puppy...

Published on 28 Mar 2017

Promise, that was the last super depressive chapter in a while. I'm not saying that the next ones in Noah's head are going to be happy, but I think this one was the worst since he hit the bottom...