He sat there and fumbled with his fingers, counting to ten over and over in his head. The pain in his spine was throbbing and everytime it did, he wanted to curl over and scream in agony. Dr. Schwartz was sat in front of him, eyeing him carefully. "Phase one of the clinical trials only started eighteen months ago, so as you know, we need to be patient. I know it's hard Toby, but you need to help yourself with that. The risk of your pain hospitalizing you will be even higher now, so-"

He smiles, it falters a tad, but he still smiles. "Don't over work myself."

He nods, "Well, don't over work yourself in anyway at all. I know you work here, you're damn good at your job. Just don't put yourself through too much pain, for your patients safety and for yours."

"Take breaks when it hurts bad, got it."

Dr. Schwartz stares at him, squinting. "Toby, for this to work, you need to keep up with your regimen." He knows about the regimen schedule on his desk, and he looks over to it, cringing. Physiotherapy, injections, treatments for when he can't breathe. Toby hates them all. He looks at Dr. Schwartz and puts his thumb up, signifying that he understands, but the frown on his face says he's not excited for it. He never has been, everything medicine about him brings his stomach to knots, he doesn't know if he's going to live or die and has run out of the motivation to even try to help himself. A thumbs up, is all he can do.

"Well, I'll see you later." Both Dr. Schwartz and Toby say goodbye to each other. Toby sits down in his chair and lets a tear roll down his face. He's in pain, he wants it to stop. Toby jumps up and leaves his room, heading for the stairs. He climbs up flights and flights of stairs, losing his breath and fighting a scream of pain with every single step he takes. All he wants to do, is see the stars. That's what he calls the city lights, stars. Due to the smog in the city, the real stars aren't visible to your average eye so he watches the lights. The lights on moving cars are shooting stars, the streetlights and house lights are average stars. The hospital lights, because there's so many, is the sun. Bright and eye catching. Toby reaches the door that is stood between him and the roof, "Let me see them."

-------

I'm on facetime to Lexi and Chyanne, they're in Gran Canaria on the vacation I had planned a while back. I'd be with them if I wasn't stuck in hospital. "You're wearing the bathing suit I picked!" I squealed, excited to see Lexi wear it. "Oh my gosh, Lex! You look so good! Chyanne hi!" They're both in the pool, music blaring in the background. They both are having so much fun. "Ugh, I'm officially jealous that looks like so much fun," I pout and then laugh.

"We miss you, Zeph! It'd be better if you were here!" I smile at them.

"I miss you guys too," I say while sitting down at my desk. I'm stuck in a hospital while my best friends are tanning in a pool. Honestly, I've been through a lot worse.

"You had any cute boy visitors? Like that new nurse," Lexi gets close to the camera and wiggles her eyebrows. "I know y'all have spoken, I can see it in your eyes. Trust me."

I shake my head and roll my eyes, "No- No, no. He's not cute."

Chyanne gasps. "So you have spoken to him?!"

"What?" I laugh at their excited screams, "There's nothing special about that!"

"Zephyr!"

-------

He watches the stars, holding back coughs. When he coughs, it causes pain and it's a cycle until he stops coughing. He coughs and groans, and coughs again. They rattle his body, pain becomes a burning sensation and it won't stop. He grips the roof edge, gaining the balance he was looking quickly. He stops coughing and wipes the tears off his face before looking down at a room. Zephyr's room. She looks at him, concerned. Another person that worries about him, Toby chuckles. "Fuck." The roof was silent after that, for the next five minutes at least. The door opens and reveals a very out of breath Zephyr.

"What are you doing? Do you have a death wish or something?" She steps closer and he doesn't move, he just watches the city live and go on.

"Hey! I'm dying okay, can you..." He coughs and screams out, the burning, the pain, it's horrific. "Can you let me enjoy the view and the stars while I can?"

"What stars?" Zephyr looks up, yet he points down. "Those are city lights."

"They're the stars of Earth, not the- not the stars of the sky. I just-"

"Do you know how lucky to be here? To be a part of this drug trial?" He hears her voice yet he looks away, he knows he's lucky. He just doesn't know how to show it.

He turns and watches her, "How do you know about my drug trial then? You been asking about me?" A smirk appears on his face and she scoffs at him.

"If you don't care, then leave." She waves her arms about, he watches her carefully. "Give the spot to someone else, to someone that wants it, to- to someone that wants to live." He knows she's right, everything Zephyr was saying to him was right. All he can do it watch her, and sigh.

He nods, "Okay." He stands up, losing his balance a little but catches his stance. "Having a tumour on your spine fucking hurts. Anyone tell you that?"

"What're you doing? Tobias? Tobias, get down!" Zephyr reaches forward, desperation in her voice. She's shaking, from fear, not the cold. He's shaking from the pain and the cold. "Toby, please, stop! Get down!"

He turns around and smiles, "That's the first time you've called me Toby, welcome to the team." He loses his balance and falls, Zephyr screams out as he catches the ledge and holds on.

"Oh, my god!" Toby chuckles and jumps down, Zephyr takes a step backwards and breathes slower. "God!"

He puts on his hat and smiles, "Relax!"

Zephyr scoffs again. "Fine." She turns around. "Stay up here then."

Toby sighs, "C'mon, I'm fine, see? I wouldn't ever let a pretty lady watch me die." Zephyr doesn't listen and walks out the same door she walked in, leaving him all alone on the roof. "C'mon! I'm fine!" Toby sighs, walking over to the door slowly, trying to ignore the pain growing and growing. He tries the handle. It wouldn't budge. He tries it again and it again, it doesn't move.

She fucking locked me up here.

------

I tried to focus on my work, my own things, everything. No matter what he did, he was in my mind. If I'm sat at my desk, I'm looking at the roof making sure he's not up there. "Get out of my damn head." I refuse to let myself be enticed by someone who doesn't care about their life at all. Boys cause issues, I know that. This boy is causing issues right now, I can't focus on my personal life without his name, his accent, or his face popping into my head. It's okay, I'll just meditate. I sit on my bed cross legged and breathe deeply, couting to ten in my head over and over. A name for your psychological profile. Not working. Time for medication, I try opening the cap and it doesn't work. I throw it down out of frustration, "Damnit!"

I put two pairs of latex gloves on, along with my mask and my oxygen tank in a bag over my shoulder. I leave my room and walk down the hall, straight to his. My mind was cloudy, anxiety balled in my stomach, but I didn't turn around. I didn't listen to the voice in my head, I just walked and walked. Just walk, it's okay. Turn around. I approach his bedroom door and knock, praying he's in doing something outside of his room. Knock, knock, knock. I take a step back, shifting my stance and eyeing the door nervously. Tobias opens the door. Shit.

I peer around his confused face, and look inside his room. Medication tubs sprawled out all over the bed and desk, an open laptop, patient files, a bed that wasn't made. I know he's sick, he has a regimen just like me but it's no where to be found. "W-where's your med cart for your meds and- and why are they all over the floor? You- Your- Can I... Can I see you're regimen, please?"

Tobias looked at me and chuckled, he wasn't wearing his scrubs today so I assume today is a day off. Which would make sense, he's a patient too. "Uh... not that it's any of your business..." He turns around to grab it, I shift again. I'm nervous, why am I nervous? He hands it to me and I look at it, you're joking. His regimen was full of doodles and other things that weren't, okay. "What... why? Is that- but- what?"

Tobias folds his arms, "I know I'm also a nurse but is this what an aneurysm looks like?" He squints and then winces, Darling was right, the pain seems horrendous to deal with. I can't do this, not anymore. I point and I stutter, words don't work so I end up scrunching his regimen into a ball and dropping it. Yes, that wasn't my place but I did it anyways. "Hey! Look, I get that you have some kind of save-the-world-hero complex going on and I understand that, but from me talking to you not as a nurse but as a friend, can you leave me out of it?"

"These meds are not optional. You are setting a bad example for your patients." I glared.

He shrugs angrily, "Yeah well, what do you know? I'm good at my job, why do you think they hired me here? Just because I don't care about my own life doesn't give you the opportunity to assume I don't care about my patients." He laughs. "And as for the meds not being optional, that's probably why they keep shoving them down my damn throat." I blink.

"You're driving me crazy." I walk away to the NICU elavator and run my hands through my hair. Why am I invested?

"Hey." I freeze when I hear his voice, the doors opened and I walk inside before turning around. "Zephyr, c'mon." He tries to walk in but I stop him.

"B. Cepacia can kill me." Then the doors close. I make my way to the NICU and sigh, letting the stress try and leave my body. I don't know why I'm so invested with this British nurse, sure he's dying but so am I. I make efforts, why doesn't he? I'm going insane. The NICU doors open, Tobias walks through them. He doesn't say anything, he just leans against the wall and stares at me. "I need you to follow your regimen strictly and completely, please."

"Why are you so invested in keeping me alive, Zephyr? You don't even know me." He shakes his head, mint green hair bounces on top. "Y'know what, yeah. Why don't... why don't you tell me what's going on actually?" Do I even know what's going on?

"You're gonna laugh at me."

"No, I know I'm some new British twat that's walked into your life and into your hospital, I get that. But, I'm also a nurse. I can listen when you want me to, talk to me. I'm not gonna make any jokes or laugh." I turn to him, he looks and sounds genuine. Whether I trust him or not, I can't answer that.

I chuckle wryly, "I... have control issues and I need to know that things are in order, and I know of your situation persay and I know that you're not taking your medication and doing the treatments you need to do," I take a shaky breath and try to focus. "I can't do anything without you popping into my head, I can't work, I can't read... it's really, really messing me up."

"As much as I'm flattered that I keep on showing up in your head, I want to help you." His eyes met mine and they shine, his eyes are beautiful. "I mean that but, I don't even know how to do what you're asking me to do." I raise my eyebrow.

"That's bullshit." He sighs. "That's bullshit! You, to put it bluntly, have cancer. You know what meds to take and when, you're not fucking stupid Tobias!"

He looks at me and then looks away, guilty. "Are you serious?" I look at him and tilt my head, confused. "Am I actually messing you up?"

"Yes."

He nods, "Alright. I'll help you. But if I do..." He turns to me fully. "What's in it for me? Besides from a slight possibility that I'll live longer in the same amount of pain. Because let me tell you, living with a tumour on your spine with terminal cancer sucks. Everything about it sucks. I want to do things with my life but I could die at any moment no matter what I do, so you asking me to make efforts for you? And me agreeing? Know you're special. Every single day I wake up in pain, so sure, what's in it for me?" I look away and sigh. "Not like sex. Silly."

"Then what?"

"I wanna draw you." He says, straight face, hard gaze. No sight of a joke, or a ruse, he's being serious. He wants to draw me.

"No." I say, plainly.

"Why not? I'm serious." He stammers and I shake my head.

"Yes I know, but- I- no." I bit my lip. "I'm not model material, I'm not- No."

Tobias shifts his stance and turns to leave, "Okay. Then no deal." He starts walking and I groan.

"You really can't practice just a little bit of discipline to save your own life? Are you really that person?" I call out and he turns around, gaze harder than earlier. "What?"

"Has it occured to you thar nothing is going to save our lives, Zephyr? I might be the damn bluntest, British nurse you bloody know but our lives? They are not getting saved." He spits, almost red in the face. I step back and sigh.

"How can you even say that? I know I'm dying! I don't need reminders. But you? You need to try!" I raise my voice a little. "So don't you dare stand here and yell at me for trying to save you."

"Why would I try when I'm just as terminal as you are? We're breathing borrowed air. Enjoy it." He walks out of the NICU and I stare at the closed door, panting. We're breathing borrowed air. I already knew that but because he said it, I'm thinking about it. I run out to follow him and I catch him pressing the elevator button, calling it to this floor.

"Fine." I call out, shaking. "But I am not posing for hours on end. And your regimen? We do it my way. Before you explain that I'm a CFer and you are not, yes I am aware we have different medication and different treatments to do but we do it my way. And the first thing you're gonna do is get a med cart in your room. Deal?" He stares at me, I see him visibly question it.

"Promise me that you won't give up on me like everyone else? That this will be worth it in the end." Now it's my turn to stare. "Please."

"I promise you it'll be worth it, and I mean that. So, deal?"

Tobias nods, "Deal." Then he smiles. "Shake on it?" I step forward but stop in my tracks, he's not wearing gloves. "Gotcha."

"Funny." I say goodbye and turn the corner, exhaling slowly. I chuckle softly and I can hear him do that same.

We will both be okay, Toby.

------

Hi! Don't be a silent reader, babes!