Chapter Thirteen

Makoto is aware that he has two choices here.

One, make his presence known in front of the boy he'd been crying about just hours earlier.

Two, forget he ever saw Haruka standing by the beach, solemnly gazing at the tide, turn around, and never look back. He'd go back home, rush into his bedroom to avoid his mother, shut the door, and pour himself into his studies for as long as he could until sleep overwhelms him.

The choice is clear in Makoto's mind; option two seems to be the much safer route, and he chooses to go with the latter, promptly turning on his heel and walking through the sand as quietly as he can.

The universe, however, seems to have other plans for Makoto, or maybe he's just incredibly unlucky. Either way, his legs decide to fail at this exact point and he idiotically trips over his own two feet at the worst possible time

"Waaugh!" Makoto shouts in surprise as he launches face-first into the powdery sand. It does little to catch his fall and he sputters out a surprised breath, picking himself – alongside the little dignity he has left - off the ground and brushing off the sand on his clothes.

He peers over his shoulder to see if Haruka saw haw him, and sure enough, Haruka had drawn his eyes away from the ocean and was staring at him, a mixture of confusion and hurt on his face.

"I should go," Haruka mutters, just barely loud enough for Makoto to catch it, when he notices Makoto is staring. He steps away from the water, starting to walk away. Makoto watches him leave for a second before something kicks in his mind and he finds himself shouting out to the boy before he can slip from his fingers yet again.

"Wait!"

Haruka stops in his tracks. He doesn't turn around, but rather stays frozen in place, staring off towards the boardwalk. It is almost like he doesn't have the courage to turn his head to look in Makoto's direction.

"Can we talk?" Makoto asks him hopefully.

Haruka finally turns, his profile now in view, and Makoto finds himself immediately casting his eyes to the ground. He inspects his high-top sneakers like they're the most interesting things in the world, shoving his hands into his jacket pockets so Haruka doesn't see they're shaking.

Staring off into space, Haruka is silent for a moment, considering his options, and after a moment a dry sigh passes by his lips, which, if Makoto's eyes aren't failing him, are quivering slightly. "This better not be a waste of my time. You have ten seconds."

Haruka's voice is guarded and shows he clearly doesn't want to hear what Makoto has to say, but he stays, and that is what matters most to Makoto.

He takes a deep breath, trying to collect his thoughts in the short amount of time he's been given. Makoto can't stop his mind from whirling with all the things he wishes he could say, the things he wants to scream at Haruka just so he knows how much he cares. But Makoto can't do that, and his brain shuts down when he realizes he has no idea what to say.

The ten seconds dance in the air, swinging by slowly and painfully, and eventually Haruka clenches his jaw and begins to walk away again before Makoto finds the two words he figures are a good start.

"I'm sorry."

Haruka's body goes rigid, and the shoes in his hand would've dropped to the sand if he weren't clutching onto the shoelaces so tightly. He turns around completely now, approaching Makoto with a determined expression on his face.

"That's it?" He says. One eyebrow rises challengingly and his arms cross tightly across his chest. "That's all you have to say?"

"N-no!" Makoto waves his hands to stop him. "Let me finish."

Haruka gestures silently with one hand, allowing him to continue. His lips purse in a tight, thin line as he waits for Makoto to speak.

"I... I'm sorry for the way I talked to you at lunch today. It was over the top and I shouldn't have said those things so loudly," Makoto ducks his head in shame. "I shouldn't have pressured you to talk about things you don't want to. I don't have the right to say those things."

"You're right," Haruka interrupts him. "You don't have the right at all."

Makoto nods abashedly, kicking at a seashell wedged in the sand. The heavy silence between them is so think Makoto could slice it with a knife.

"I just don't get it, Makoto," He finally says in a disgusted voice. "I'm just having a lot of trouble trying to figure out why the hell it should matter to you whether or not I'm lonely. I can take care of myself just fine."

"Because it's not good to bottle things up, you know," Makoto tries to tell him, somehow evading the fact that he's wormed his way into Haruka's life without a reason why. He is speaking from experience, having pushed away any painful feelings about his family, his friends, his anxiety, and fighting past it. Makoto had always figured it was easier to pretend like problems don't exist, but he knew now, seeing Haruka do the exact same thing, that that only solved things in the short-term.

But he doesn't want Haruka to make the same mistakes as he did. He doesn't know it, but the universe has given him a second chance, and Makoto would rather die than watch it be wasted. "You'd feel a lot better if you talked about the things going on in your life. And I'm here! Ready to listen to you!"

Haruka just stares at him, his arms still crossed across his body, like he was trying to create a physical barrier between his heart and the boy presenting himself in front of him. Makoto stares down at him pointedly, gnawing on his bottom lip. He has absolutely no idea where this conversation is going.

"And what would you know, huh?" Haruka challenges him, flipping the blame to Makoto like it's the only coping mechanism that allows him to convince himself he's right. "You're just a goody-two shoes with the nuclear family. Your biggest worry is probably what you're going to wear on a date with one of the dozens of girls that fawn over you. What the hell would you know about the real world?"

"Stop making this about me!" Makoto shouted suddenly, feeling his throat go raw. "This isn't about me, it's about you!"

This seems to shut Haruka up. He is staring at him intensely, trying to keep his face neutral so he doesn't give anything away.

"Why do you think you get the right to blame everyone else? If you've got problems, you can choose to handle them yourself, or you can continue to brush them off. But that doesn't work in the long run, you know. You're just going to drive yourself further apart from the world, until you're so alone there's no going back." A sharp, barking laughter escapes his throat, and he runs a hand through his hair. "Oh, that's right!" He says in a fake jolly voice. "I forgot! You want to be alone. But, do you think your family enjoys seeing you tear yourself up on the inside like this? God, Haruka, don't you realize how childish you're acting? Why can't you just grow up?!"

Makoto realizes he's stepped closer to Haruka, practically nose to nose with the fuming boy. Makoto can't tell if he's going to start crying, punch him in the face, or both. (He takes a step back, just in case.) A genuinely shocked expression crosses over his features, like he'd just received a slap to the face – well, he supposes he did, a verbal slap.

So much for apologizing, Makoto thinks with a click of his tongue.

"Okay," Makoto says quietly when he realizes it'd be harmful to say anything else, still shocked he managed to say all that without collapsing from a panic attack. "That's all I had to say. I'm done talking."

Haruka stares at him a little longer, painfully quiet, and when Makoto realizes he isn't going to say anything in response – did he really expect him to answer all those questions thrown his way, anyway? – and he turns around, prepared to walk away.

Makoto only makes it a few steps, hopping up on the boardwalk, when he hears footsteps pounding against the sand and feels a tight grip on his forearm. Whirling around in surprise, he sees Haruka standing there, malice and tears sparkling in his eyes. He begins to pull on Makoto's arm harshly, dragging him back towards the beach.

"Hey! Let go of me!" Makoto shouts, trying to yank his arm away. Haruka says nothing until he's gotten his way, having pulled Makoto away from the shore, towards an old bench nearby the boardwalk.

"Sit down," He demands in a voice that makes Makoto shudder.

Frowning in annoyance, Makoto complies and plops down on the bench, crossing his arms across his chest like a child and staring forward, refusing to look at Haruka. Haruka stands for a minute, for once looming over the taller boy.

"You're so damn annoying, Makoto," Haruka snaps rudely. Makoto is taken aback by his expression, how filled with unguarded emotion it is. "If you talk like that to me again, I swear I will not hesitate to throw you in that ocean."

Makoto would feel intimidated if it weren't for the fact that Haruka was all skin and bones, sharp angles and shadows, and couldn't lift him even if he tried.

"So... annoying..." Haruka repeats, his voice going quieter, eyes clenching shut. When he blinks, Makoto sees a trail of tears slip under his eyelashes and trail down his cheek. "Who gave you the right..."

Shaking with contempt as he covers his face with his hands, his knees buckle from underneath him and he collapses onto the bench, a sob escaping his lips

"...How do you still manage to read me so well, after all this time?" He cries, voice muffled by his hands. "I-I don't understand."

Makoto stares at him, not knowing what to say or how to say it. There's something about seeing in Haruka in this state that throws everything else out the window, and he can't help but watch, tears brimming at his eyes.

"I've tried so hard... to keep myself pulled together... and you just waltz into my life and tear down the walls I've kept up for years..." Haruka whispers through his tears. "Why is this happening?"

"Because you shouldn't have to live your life distanced from the rest of the world," Makoto tells him quietly.

"You can't just... say things like that," Haruka cries hysterically.

The question that follows is probably the most dangerous thing he's said all night.

"Why not?"

"Because I don't know if you really mean it!" Haruka shrieks, in a voice mixed with despair and disgust. "And that's what scares me, Makoto, because you can read me so well, and I can't seem to figure you out. I can't tell if you genuinely want to be my friend or you're just curious, just here to see if I can be fixed!"

Makoto watches him closely, sees the way he pulls his legs close to him, keeping his heart hidden from the rest of the world. Haruka rests his head on his knees and wraps his lanky arms around his body, pulling himself into a tight ball. Makoto dares to reach out and rest his hand on his shoulder, the small touch making him flinch, but he raises his head.

"Haruka," Makoto whispers. "I'm here for you, and I always will be."

"That's not the first time someone's said that to me, you know," Haruka tells him, clenching his fists by his sides angrily. "I've heard that being said to me time and time again, but they left. They always do. Don't you see why I can't trust anyone? They all leave me..." Haruka's words get cut off by a sob, and he buries his face into his hands again.

"You have me." Makoto finds himself rubbing small, comforting circles in his back. "I promise I'm not going to leave you," He says quietly.

"You know, promises are worse than lies," Haruka mumbles. "Because you give me hope, hope for something you're not sure you can give."

There is something about his words that strikes a dissonant chord in Makoto, and Makoto knows he's right. His breath hitches, the words he wants to say lost. No, Makoto thinks. You're wrong. You're wrong!

Is he expecting too much to think he has the ability to save Haruka? Was that naive of him? Was wanting a fair chance at life for Haruka Nanase too much to ask of the universe?

Makoto realizes in this very moment that Haruka has the power to shatter him.

He hears Haruka exhale, like he's letting out a breath he's been holding this entire conversation. There's something in his eyes that shows he's completely broken. Maybe he has been holding it for so long, and he's desperate to tell someone, anyone. Maybe it's just because it's late and he's exhausted, or maybe part of him is finally trusting Makoto. After all, he is the only person who's ever come back again and again and again.

"You know, you deserve to have someone by your side, no matter who you are. Doesn't that mean anything to you?"

"No!" He says firmly, immediately. "It doesn't! That's what you don't get!" Haruka yells, angry tears welling in his eyes. "I'm not happy, Makoto! I'm not happy and I never fucking will be!"

Makoto blinks at Haruka, sadness for the boy overwhelming him. What could've happened in his life to make him feel this way? Why hasn't Haruka reached out for help, not pushed people away? Doesn't he know he can't handle this by himself?

Which then poses the question: why hasn't Makoto done the same thing for himself?

"You will be, Haruka," Makoto says softly. "You deserve to be happy."

"No I don't," Haruka snaps, a little too quickly, like he's already accepted the fact he's doomed to be sad forever. The thought sends a stake through Makoto's heart. "You don't know what's happened to me. You don't know a thing..." Wiping away a tear, his anger returns. "J-just... leave me alone."

"Not until you tell me what's made you like this," Makoto says firmly, crossing his arms and glaring at him intensely. "If you can tell me what's making you upset, then that's the first step to stopping it."

"Not for me," Haruka whispers.

"Anything is possible when there's hope," Makoto says. "But nothing can change if you don't want it to. Do you want to be happy, Haruka?"

It takes him a moment to respond. "It's been so long, I've forgotten what it's like," He responds honestly.

Another metaphorical stake flies through Makoto's heart and he bites his lip to refrain from doing something he'd regret. He says nothing, just worrying his bottom lip with his teeth, and after a minute, Haruka speaks again.

"Fine," He sighs. "Promise you won't tell anyone?"

"I promise," Makoto says automatically.

Promises may be worse than lies, Makoto thinks. But I believe in you, Haruka Nanase. You just need to believe in yourself.

- - - -

A/N: I love having a good ol' bowl of angst flakes in the morning