{video shown above is Also Sprach Zarathustra}

We got three new songs on Monday for homecoming: Also Sprach Zarathustra, We Are Young, and Give Me Everything. I immediately whipped out a pencil and started to write the positions on the music. Give Me Everything looked the simplest, but Also Sprach Zarathustra was more or less melody.

Kayla stepped up at the front of the room and held up a fist for us to quiet down. "Also Sprach," she said.

This song was actually the easiest of all of them. Ms. Blue had us playing eighth notes after the first six measures instead of quarter notes like the music called for. It was a bit complicated with all of the tied whole notes, but the piece was really easy to sight read. We Are Young was also pretty simple once I got down the notes. The real problem was Give Me Everything.

David was conducting for this one. After we had run through the song once, he went to each section and asked them to play their parts. Trombones, as usual, were the last ones to play. Our strong players weren't here, so we had to improvise a bit. The part didn't look too hard, but the main portion of it was sixteenth notes and rests. "Trombones, you have to play loud!" he yelled. He clapped his hands and sung the part. "This is the tempo."

As we played the part again, David apparently was getting too impatient with us, as he eventually came to stand behind us to watch us play. I felt the hairs on my body stand on end and he leaned in to hear what we were playing. I felt my lips stop buzzing. Don't stop, Kaylee, play! I scolded myself. I began to shake. I have no idea what to do!

"Why are you looking at her slide?" David demanded. "You need to learn to read the music."

"Yes, but I'm confu-" I began. I didn't get to finish because David just turned around and started talking to Jessica and Zoe about how to play and keep tempo.

Really, David? I complained silently. I'm trying! Cut me some slack! I wasn't ever looking at Zoe's slide in the first place. I really was looking at the music. I wasn't sure if I wanted to slap him, yell at him, or just start crying. We were dismissed a few minutes later.

I was so bummed out the next period. We were playing tennis in P.E, but my heart was just not into it. I really wanted to do something to improve my playing. I felt like I could get better. By this point, I knew enough about the instrument that I was confident that I could play. I was tired of being that one person who never knew the music.

When I got home that day, I opened up my Personal Progress book, which is a little like a girl scout handbook, I guess, but without all the badges and survival tests. There are eight values: Faith, Divine Nature, Individual Worth, Knowledge, Choice and Accountability, Good Works, Integrity, and Virtue, and they all have a list of experiences that you can complete, most of which involve reading scriptures, writing in your journal, and/or doing an activity. Additionally, in order to "pass off" a value, you have to complete a ten-hour project that shows how you've grown and will continue to grow in that value. These projects are created by you, but the book does give you a few ideas. For my projects, I like to give each one a title, a theme, and a reason why I was doing that specific project.

I flipped to the Integrity project page and picked up a pen, writing in the description of the project:

"Targeting Fear." After a year of jumping instruments, my Heavenly Father has helped me in finally finding the one I can be proud of. For the next three weeks, I will find the time time to practice every day (except Sunday). I will be sure to push myself to ask for help when needed, and I will record in my journal the positive ways that I have improved, as well as areas for improvement.

I had practice after school, so I was planned to bring my trombone home to practice after wards. I got the approval from my mom and then hopped in the car to get back to the school for practice.

We got to the school a little late, but I had just enough time to put my instrument together and step in the band room to hear Kayla telling us to go outside.

We marched to the blacktop above the gym lockers and stopped at the edge. David paced down the lines as he instructed, "Here, we're going to make a tunnel for the football players instead of doing the field show, similar to the tunnel for Conquest and the Star Spangled Banner." He then proceeded to explain how we were going to march in, but all I knew was, I was at the back of the line, and I just had to follow the person in front of me - another reason why I prefer to be behind someone in line.

We started to march in. The drumline was playing Apollo like they usually played while we entered for halftime. About halfway through the cadence, Kayla stopped us and yelled, "You guys are all off-step! Listen to the tempo! Go back to the beginning and do it again!"

You know, Kayla reminded me of someone. Someone who really didn't like me back in second grade.

So, we went back and marched in again. I don't remember why, but I found myself looking at Kayla's feet (she was marking time with us). I listened for the downbeats in the cadence. Left, Left, Left, I chanted in my head.

She's not even in step! I thought. And she's calling us off for getting out of step?

So we go through practice, and David lectures the trombones about playing louder again. He did offer to give us cues when we played the eighth notes in Also Sprach. He may be impatient sometimes, but he is pretty helpful.

Our section got dismissed from practice early to work with someone from the college. His name was Evan, and he played a trombone with an F attachment like Andrea. She usually played the regular trombone for marching band and the F attachment (we just call it the "trigger trombone") for jazz and concert band, but for some reason she was playing the trigger during practice today. She had to pass it off to Jayden because it was hurting her shoulder. I would've offered to take it, but I'm so scared I'm going to drop it because the trigger prevents me from having my death grip on the instrument like I'm used to. Besides, I can barely even hit the low notes on the trombone I'm using, not to mention that my arms are already pretty long, so I don't really complain too much about switching from first position to sixth. I think I'll be fine sticking with this one for a while.

We went over a few warm-ups and talked about tuning. "So, is there anything you guys really need help with?" Evan asked.

"Probably Give Me Everything," said Andrea. She pulled out the music and put it on the stand. She pointed to measure 14. "David says we need to work on this."

He turned the stand towards himself and picked up his trombone. As he played, Zoe whispered, "He's good at sight-reading." I nodded.

We went over the music once, but I still had no idea how to play. This time, I actually did look at Zoe's slide to know when to switch from the sixth position to the third. We were all having a bit of trouble, so he went around asking each of us to play for him, giving us tips on what to do. Andrea played first, and though she did mess up a few times, she got it right after a few tries. I paid close attention to how to part sounded; I've found it easier for me to play if I can sing the part in my head.

I was the last one to play, and I was so nervous. I have no idea why but there are pretty much only three situations that make me nervous: sharing my feelings, asking for help, and playing alone, two of which I had picked up from the saxophone. I really needed to work on that. If you ask me to play in front of a group of people, even if I know the part, I start shaking half to death, my death grip on the trombone gets even tighter, and I start to play softer when I think I mess up, which messes up the sound. I did all three of these at once instantly as I started to play, since I had absolutely no clue what I was doing.

I attempted to play, but I obviously wasn't doing too well. By now, almost the entire section was next to me, staring at me, just waiting for me to do something. Whoever told me that I was the most confident person they've ever met was dead wrong. My belief in my musical abilities died in the eighth grade, and I'm still attempting to resurrect it. I think at some point I was about ready to start crying during that sectionals.

"Try it again," Evan said.

I brought the mouthpiece to my lips and slowly began to play. Whenever I would hesitate, Andrea would either start singing the part, clapping the beat, or she would say something like, "Come on, you can do it." By the end of practice, I was finally able to get those few measures correct. Andrea slapped me on the shoulder and told me I was a good player before turning away to take apart her trombone.

I thought about what had happened that day as I drove home. What I decided on scared me even more than practicing ever did.

Andrea really has helped me a lot, I thought, and my theme is about fear...

I opened my Personal Progress to the Integrity project again and added to the end of the description:

At the conclusion of the project, show genuine appreciation to those who helped.