We got three new songs on Monday for homecoming: Also Sprach Zarathustra, We Are Young, and Give Me Everything. I immediately whipped out a pencil and started to write the positions on the music. Give Me Everything looked the simplest, but Also Sprach Zarathustra was more or less melody.

Kayla stepped up at the front of the room and held up a fist for us to quiet down. "Also Sprach," she said.

This song was actually the easiest of all of them. Ms. Blue had us playing eighth notes after the first six measures instead of quarter notes like the music called for. It was a bit complicated with all of the tied whole notes, but the piece was really easy to sight read. We Are Young was also pretty simple once I got down the notes. The real problem was Give Me Everything.

David was conducting for this one. After we had run through the song once, he went to each section and asked them to play their parts. Trombones, as usual, were the last ones to play. Our strong players weren't here, so we had to improvise a bit. The part didn't look too hard, but the main portion of it was sixteenth notes and rests. "Trombones, you have to play loud!" he yelled. He clapped his hands and sung the part. "This is the tempo."

As we played the part again, David apparently was getting too impatient with us, as he eventually came to stand behind us to watch us play. I felt the hairs on my body stand on end and he leaned in to hear what we were playing. I felt my lips stop buzzing. Don't stop, Kaylee, play! I scolded myself. I began to shake. I have no idea what to do!

"Why are you looking at her slide?" David demanded. "You need to learn to read the music."

"Yes, but I'm confu-" I began. I didn't get to finish because David just turned around and started talking to Jessica and Zoe about how to play and keep tempo.

Really, David? I complained silently. I'm trying! Cut me some slack! I wasn't ever looking at Zoe's slide in the first place. I really was looking at the music. I wasn't sure if I wanted to slap him, yell at him, or just start crying. We were dismissed a few minutes later.

I was so bummed out the next period. We were playing tennis in P.E, but my heart was just not into it. I really wanted to do something to improve my playing. I felt like I could get better. By this point, I knew enough about the instrument that I was confident that I could play. I was tired of being that one person who never knew the music.

When I got home that day, I opened up my Personal Progress book, which is a little like a girl scout handbook, I guess, but without all the badges and survival tests. There are eight values: Faith, Divine Nature, Individual Worth, Knowledge, Choice and Accountability, Good Works, Integrity, and Virtue, and they all have a list of experiences that you can complete, most of which involve reading scriptures, writing in your journal, and/or doing an activity. Additionally, in order to "pass off" a value, you have to complete a ten-hour project that shows how you've grown and will continue to grow in that value. These projects are created by you, but the book does give you a few ideas. For my projects, I like to give each one a title, a theme, and a reason why I was doing that specific project.

I flipped to the Integrity project page and picked up a pen, writing in the description of the project:

"Targeting Fear." After a year of jumping instruments, my Heavenly Father has helped me in finally finding the one I can be proud of. For the next three weeks, I will find the time time to practice every day (except Sunday). I will be sure to push myself to ask for help when needed, and I will record in my journal the positive ways that I have improved, as well as areas for improvement.

I had practice after school, so I was planned to bring my trombone home to practice after wards. I got the approval from my mom and then hopped in the car to get back to the school for practice.

We got to the school a little late, but I had just enough time to put my instrument together and step in the band room to hear Kayla telling us to go outside.

We marched to the blacktop above the gym lockers and stopped at the edge. David paced down the lines as he instructed, "Here, we're going to make a tunnel for the football players instead of doing the field show, similar to the tunnel for Conquest and the Star Spangled Banner." He then proceeded to explain how we were going to march in, but all I knew was, I was at the back of the line, and I just had to follow the person in front of me - another reason why I prefer to be behind someone in line.

We started to march in. The drumline was playing Apollo like they usually played while we entered for halftime. About halfway through the cadence, Kayla stopped us and yelled, "You guys are all off-step! Listen to the tempo! Go back to the beginning and do it again!"

You know, Kayla reminded me of someone. Someone who really didn't like me back in second grade.

So, we went back and marched in again. I don't remember why, but I found myself looking at Kayla's feet (she was marking time with us). I listened for the downbeats in the cadence. Left, Left, Left, I chanted in my head.

She's not even in step! I thought. And she's calling us off for getting out of step?

So we go through practice, and David lectures the trombones about playing louder again. He did offer to give us cues when we played the eighth notes in Also Sprach. He may be impatient sometimes, but he is pretty helpful.

Our section got dismissed from practice early to work with someone from the college. His name was Evan, and he played a trombone with an F attachment like Andrea. She usually played the regular trombone for marching band and the F attachment (we just call it the "trigger trombone") for jazz and concert band, but for some reason she was playing the trigger during practice today. She had to pass it off to Jayden because it was hurting her shoulder. I would've offered to take it, but I'm so scared I'm going to drop it because the trigger prevents me from having my death grip on the instrument like I'm used to. Besides, I can barely even hit the low notes on the trombone I'm using, not to mention that my arms are already pretty long, so I don't really complain too much about switching from first position to sixth. I think I'll be fine sticking with this one for a while.

We went over a few warm-ups and talked about tuning. "So, is there anything you guys really need help with?" Evan asked.

"Probably Give Me Everything," said Andrea. She pulled out the music and put it on the stand. She pointed to measure 14. "David says we need to work on this."

He turned the stand towards himself and picked up his trombone. As he played, Zoe whispered, "He's good at sight-reading." I nodded.

We went over the music once, but I still had no idea how to play. This time, I actually did look at Zoe's slide to know when to switch from the sixth position to the third. We were all having a bit of trouble, so he went around asking each of us to play for him, giving us tips on what to do. Andrea played first, and though she did mess up a few times, she got it right after a few tries. I paid close attention to how to part sounded; I've found it easier for me to play if I can sing the part in my head.

I was the last one to play, and I was so nervous. I have no idea why but there are pretty much only three situations that make me nervous: sharing my feelings, asking for help, and playing alone, two of which I had picked up from the saxophone. I really needed to work on that. If you ask me to play in front of a group of people, even if I know the part, I start shaking half to death, my death grip on the trombone gets even tighter, and I start to play softer when I think I mess up, which messes up the sound. I did all three of these at once instantly as I started to play, since I had absolutely no clue what I was doing.

I attempted to play, but I obviously wasn't doing too well. By now, almost the entire section was next to me, staring at me, just waiting for me to do something. Whoever told me that I was the most confident person they've ever met was dead wrong. My belief in my musical abilities died in the eighth grade, and I'm still attempting to resurrect it. I think at some point I was about ready to start crying during that sectionals.

"Try it again," Evan said.

I brought the mouthpiece to my lips and slowly began to play. Whenever I would hesitate, Andrea would either start singing the part, clapping the beat, or she would say something like, "Come on, you can do it." By the end of practice, I was finally able to get those few measures correct. Andrea slapped me on the shoulder and told me I was a good player before turning away to take apart her trombone.

I thought about what had happened that day as I drove home. What I decided on scared me even more than practicing ever did.

Andrea really has helped me a lot, I thought, and my theme is about fear...

I opened my Personal Progress to the Integrity project again and added to the end of the description:

At the conclusion of the project, show genuine appreciation to those who helped.

.

I can't do this.

Stop it, Kaylee.

I can't.

Yes, you can!

But it's going to be so awkward!

Just do it!

I can't!

Don't think about it!

Three weeks later, it was finally time to end off the project. There was only one thing left to do; talk to Andrea.

Remember how I said that sharing my feelings made me nervous? This is exactly what I was talking about.

I really didn't do much during P.E, I just walked around in circles either thinking aloud, deep in thought, or singing. Today, I was emotionally preparing myself for what I was about to do.

I had planned to go into the band room around noon, about ten to fifteen minutes before passing period for fifth started and go up to her while she's putting her trombone away. Unfortunately, she kept the trombone in the band room, so I didn't know if she would be talking to someone or not.

I shook the ideas out of my head. Stop it, I scolded myself. The more you think, the more likely you are to back out.

I gotta do this...

You might be asking why I was making myself do this in the first place. Before I moved to California, there was this one person in my class that did something for me, and I never took the opportunity to thank them. I've been regretting that ever since. I've acknowledged that Andrea has helped me a lot. If I don't say anything, I'm going to regret it. If it weren't for her or anyone else in the section, I would still be in the back of the band room with my head buried in books and anime, still doubting that I would ever be able to play. Band really has ruined my life.

But in the best ways possible.

So, noon rolled around, and Jessica insisted on following me to the band room. This just made me feel more awkward, but I learned a long time ago that it is pointless arguing with any of the trombones. If I do, they won't stop bugging me, and unless they're asking me to do something bad, I eventually give in. I'm horrible.

I had to wait about five to ten minutes before Ms. Blue dismissed them. I was getting scared that they would get out late and I'd have to do it after school, meaning I would have two periods to even further think about how insecure I was, quickly depleting the chances of me actually going through with this.

They eventually did get dismissed, but by this time, I had to act quick before she started talking to someone. I really didn't want to interrupt a conversation, they would probably just stand there waiting for me to finish, and that would not help me at all.

I walked up to her as she was putting away her trombone and said, "Hey, Andrea?"

"Yeah," she said, not looking up.

"Could I talk to you for a second?" I asked, starting to shake.

"Sure," she replied.

I took a deep breath, trying to stop myself from shaking so much. I told her a little bit about how I was like before high school, what I felt playing the trombone for the first time, and how nervous I was to play. "But whenever I started to doubt myself, you or someone else in the section would say something like, 'Get in step!' 'Watch your horn angles!' or, my personal favorite, 'Play loud!'" I continued. Andrea laughed. She really did say that a lot. "So after a while, I guess I just thought, 'Ugh, I already know this, Andrea, you've told me a million times!' and, in a way, it made me actually want to get better. And I just wanted to thank you because there are still a lot of times where I'm getting frustrated with myself, but you always show up and tell me that I'm doing great, and I'm so glad that I didn't quit band like I wanted to on the first day of school because you guys make me feel so welcome and wanted and I can't even begin to describe how that makes me feel because it's been forever since I've been when people that at trust at school."

"Aw," Andrea responded. She gave me a hug. "I love you, Kaylee."

I didn't say anything. I never know if I should say anything or not when someone who isn't my parents tells me that. But I really do love her, she's done a lot.

I'm really glad that I took the courage to talk to her, because since then, I've been so much closer to the section than I ever was before.

.

I pretty much avoided Andrea as much as possible the rest of the school day. She didn't seem to mind too much, but I was still kind of embarrassed. I was still shaking long after I had talked to her.

Half an hour after the last bell rang, we departed for the middle school for the parade before the game.

I stuck to Jessica and Zoe most of the time; I didn't go to this middle school, so I didn't know anybody. There were only three trombones, and only one of them was an eighth grader, but I didn't know if he was staying in band next year. It's not uncommon for an eighth grader to stop playing in band after middle school; Sam played the flute back in middle school, but she told me it was too much to keep up with in high school.

I only really talked to two of the trombones; one of them reminded me of a guy in my English class because he was always making jokes and funny analogies when we told him how to do something.

We went through the cadences with them after going through how to march. They still looked pretty confused. "Just watch Andrea," I said. "That's what I do."

Andrea gave me a look. I smiled at her and she shook her head.

The parade wasn't too hard, and we got a lot of football fans on the sidewalk cheering for us, especially when we were playing Don't Stop Believing. A few of them starting singing. It was pretty fun, particularly watching the middle schoolers struggle with marching, as it reminded me of how I was when I marched for the first time. Clicks brought back memories of the first football game; Andrea had talked about it a bit, but I had no idea what we were doing until it happened.

We got back to the band room, and it was even more crowded than usual with all of the middle schoolers. We had pizza ready before the game, and we were allowed to take off the jackets and shakos as we ate. After I had finished, I walked past Andrea in the hallway. "You have tomato sauce on your face," she said, pointing to the edge of her lip. I rubbed it off.

"Aw, you're so adorable!" she commented. She put her hand on my shoulder and continued walking.

I blinked. I'm adorable, now?

I walked outside to where Jessica was sitting. "Do me a favor and never call me adorable," I told her.

She punched me in the arm playfully. "Kaylee, you're ugly! Just kidding, though, I love you. Why not?"

"I had food on my face, so Andrea called me adorable," I answered.

"Really? She says that all the time!"

I shrugged. "That was the first time I've heard it. I talked to her during jazz band earlier and I think I got her excited."

Jessica laughed. "Yeah, she told me about that. She went up to me and was like, 'Kaylee really likes us.'"

So we went back into the band room and had a few minutes to put the uniform back on before Ms. Blue finished speaking. We lined up further away from the band room than we usually did, as we had to make room for the middle school. As we marched, I could hear the one triangle ding every few measure. It was truly magical.

We waited at the side of the gym longer than we usually did. Ceasar, Jessica, Zoe, and I showed the middle schoolers what suicides were. They thought that was awesome.

When David called us into attention, I have no idea what I did, but as he walked past me, he muttered, "Good job, Kaylee."

I was so close to breaking attention and saying, "What?" Was this the same David that I had come to know? Usually he would just walk right past me without saying a word. Did he seriously just compliment me?

We played in the tunnel like usual and then proceeded to the stands. We soon made a touchdown and played Fight Song. While we were playing, David was conducting next to the trombones, and during the song he caught my eye and smiled at me. I was so shocked. Am I playing loud? I wondered, so used to hearing Andrea tell me to play loud.

When we sat down after the song, I noticed that the one baritone player was sitting behind me trying to copy how the drum majors were conducting. "You're trying to figure out how to lead?" I asked.

"Yeah," she replied. "It's pretty cool how they do it."

I raised my hand and moved it down, left, right, and then up. "One, two, three, four," I counted aloud as I moved my hand. "You try."

She began to move her hand. She had the same problem that most people who asked me how to lead had: she kept missing the first beat and just scooped her hand to the left. Instead of bouncing my hand around like I normally did, I made an L in the air, which helped her a bit.

Jessica was sitting next to me, watching. "You should be drum major," she said.

Samantha gasped. "Yes, you should be drum major my senior year!"

"Meh...I don't know..." I answered.

David walked up to us. "You talking about trying out for drum major?" he asked.

"Kaylee's teaching us how to lead," Jessica explained.

"Oh, nice!" he said.

"I don't know, I kind of don't want to be drum major," I said.

"Yeah, I felt the same way my freshman year," David commented. "I didn't think I had good leadership skills."

"I just prefer playing with the band," I said.

David chuckled. "You could not believe how badly we want to play with you guys sometimes."

I watched him leave to sit with Kayla. I've been kind of hard on David. Yeah, he can be scary, sort of a know-it-all, and a bit condescending at times, but he's a really good person. I guess I just came off as one of those who would quit as things got hard. I often felt that way with a lot of people. Did he know I'd been practicing? There were a few days that I'd be outside practicing while the drumline was in the band room. A few weeks ago, I was getting frustrated with myself again, and someone mentioned that I had quit four instruments before. I really wanted to slap them. Instead, I just put the trombone away and walked around in circles trying not to cry. They never brought that up again, and I'd say I'm closer to them now. I think they all thought that I was just a pushover that was going to quit once things got difficult.

The middle school left during halftime. We didn't get to do much. We mostly just stood there as the homecoming court was announced. Andrea let us stand at ease, so that made it a little easier to bear. At east one band member for each grade ran for court, including David and Kayla, but everyone favors the cheerleaders, so none of us won. I was not surprised at all when the head cheerleader who also happened to be the one who gave the morning announcements over the loudspeaker during second period won. We did play Also Sprach Zarathustra beforehand and the other two songs afterwards. Tony shot me another smile during We Are Young, which really made me think that I was finally doing something right for a change.