I slipped the straps of my backpack off my shoulders and dropped it on the side of my bed. Thankfully, I had no homework to finish, so I threw off my shoes and socks, grabbed my computer, and turned on Spotify while I surfed Pinterest.

My playlist was pretty diverse. Most of it was composed of random songs that I had picked up from various settings, such as youth dances, friends, parties, performances, movies, etc. The artist I listened to the most often was without a doubt Imagine Dragons.

As I was searching through some Percy Jackson pins, Battle Cry began to play. I wasn't really paying attention to it at first, but when the lyrics started to play, I stopped and listened.

Just one more time before I go
I'll let you know
That all this time I've been afraid
Wouldn't let it show
Nobody can save me now, no
Nobody can save me now

Stars are only visible in darkness
Fear is ever-changing and evolving
And I, have been poisoned inside
And I, I feel so alive

I guess I never fully explained why I wanted to be in band in the first place. To be completely honest, this dream is so old I can barely remember why, myself. I guess the first and most obvious reason is because my family is very deeply rooted in music. I cannot name a single member of my family who does not sing or play an instrument. I can't tell you when I started singing, it was just too long ago, long before I was in school, before I learned to read, maybe even before I stopped wearing diapers. There has not been a day since where I have not been caught humming a song to myself. If you want me to calm down, stop complaining, get motivated to write, whatever, bring me my iPod and leave me alone with my music.

Ever since I can remember, music has been a part of my life. I think, eat, sleep, live, and breath music. If you need a song to sum up your life, talk to me. If you need to relate a song to a topic or vice versa, talk to me. If you need to rant to someone about how no one appreciates your music, talk to me. Where most little girls fantasized about them being princesses born in grand castles with a pretty pink tutu, I was in my own little world fantasizing about how I was this huge singer with the most beautiful voice that everyone loved. I didn't give that up until I moved to where I am now.

I do have to admit, there are those times when I'm bored on a long car ride and just start relating every song that plays on my iPod to a specific topic, but most of the time, these analogies come to me at random.

Such as this one.

I mentioned that I had jumped from instrument to instrument during eighth grade, but it was a lot most complicated than that. My first real instrument with the clarinet. I might have told you that I liked it, but I never did. I wanted to play the trumpet, but no, everyone else told me I should play the clarinet. So, after countless "suggestions" to play the clarinet, I finally gave in and started to play. Yes, I acted like I was enjoying it, but deep down, I was looking for excuses to not practice, just as I had done when Ms. Blue first put the trombone in my hands and asked me to play. Why was this, you might ask?

The clarinet was broken.

I'm not exaggerating, it really was. The first few notes were fine, but anything else would just come out as a squeak. No matter what I did, I could never get the notes to come out right. I would sit there for a long time, determined to get it right, but weeks of mistakes began to chip away at my patience until I finally got the courage to go up to Ms. Blue and say that I wanted to try something else.

The saxophone was another story. This instrument was also broken, but unlike the clarinet, all but 3 notes would ever come out right. There would be times that I would sit down to play, play one note, hear it squeak, and then immediately start sobbing. The clarinet destroyed my confidence to play in front of others. The saxophone destroyed any remaining hope I had of having a musical talent. I can't remember the last time I was able to practice on my own. Yes, I would try, but it would only result in me sitting there for 15 minutes with the mouthpiece to my lips trying to get the courage to play just one note.

Which leads me back to this song.

I said that the one thing I would never forget was how Dylan and Caiden had told me that I would never be able to play an instrument if I didn't try. They were right. How could I ever be able to actually play in a performance if I never practiced the music?

My mom couldn't drop me off for practice, so she drove me to the school early that day while there was a band council meeting going on. Reluctantly, I pulled my trombone out of the locker and brought it out to the hallway where the stairs leading down to the dungeon were.

I don't know how long I was sitting there, but I did actually play something in that time frame. For the majority of that time, I was just sitting there with my mouth on the trombone trying to get myself to play something.

"Hey Kaylee," Jessica greeted, popping up out of no where.

I jumped up. "Hey."

She moved my folder away and sat down next to me on the steps. "So what are you doing?"

I glanced at my folder. "Practicing Final Countdown."

She picked up my music and raised an eyebrow. "You do know that we only play the ending, right?"

I blinked. "What?"

She held the music up to my face and pointed to a measure. "We only play measure 40 to the end."

"Really?"

"Yeah." She began to sing the part.

"I was wondering why it seemed so fast." By the time I had finished playing the first four measures that I knew, we were already halfway through the song. We were on the steps talking and playing with our trombones for at least 30 minutes before practice started.

That night, I took my trombone home for the first time to practice. To my surprise, that was the day that I learned Final Countdown.

.

"Are you coming to the activity on Saturday?" Emalene asked.

"No, I have band," I answered.

"You always have band," Claire commented.

I opened my mouth to say something, but then quickly realized that she was right. Claire smiled.

Every Wednesday night was Mutual: a weekly activity for all of the 12 to 17 year old kids in my church that lasts for an hour and a half. This week, we were going to talk about choosing good friends. This topic wasn't exactly unheard of, but it was never really useful to me.

"In For the Strength of Youth," Sister Langdon began, "it says, 'Everyone needs good and true friends. They will be a great strength and blessing to you. They will influence how you think and act, and even help determine the person you will become. They will help you be a better person and will make it easier for you to live the gospel of Jesus Christ. Choose friends who share your values so you can strengthen and encourage each other in living high standards.'"

If by sharing values, you mean music, I thought, then sure.

Yes, I did have friends outside of band. I can't technically say that I had no friends in middle school. I did have the youth, and I still love them, don't get me wrong.

After going through a few more things, we went around the room and shared stories of how we met some of our friends. When they got to me (I was the last one), I didn't really know what to say.

My big mouth had other ideas.

"If there are two things everyone knows about me," I began, "they know that I had a horrible time in middle school and that I've always wanted to be in band. I hated it how everyone told me before I got into high school that I shouldn't be excited to get into high school because nothing would change; I would still be miserable. But then I joined band."

With that last word, I immediately burst into tears.

You know, I want to go back and laugh at the person who once told me they admired how strong I was with my emotions.

It's too late to back out now, I thought. I swallowed the lump in my throat and continued, "Never in my life have I felt more welcomed and loved by anyone than I have in band."

I then proceeded to tell them about how I was scared to play the trombone at first, but then no one would let me quit. I couldn't tel them the whole story, but I think they could all tell that there was more to it than what I had said. Either way, I didn't want to take up too much time, and it was hard to talk because I was still trying to keep this huge lump in my throat down. Emalene grabbed my head and pulled me close to her. "Child," she said. Oh, Kaylee, I scolded myself, why did you have to share that story?

Despite how uncomfortable I felt sharing it with everyone, I still could not deny that there was no better experience that I could share that would better exemplify how I felt.

.

Andrea knelt down next to the chair I was laying on and nudged me. "Hey," she said, "do you want to go get something to eat with us?"

I hesitated. "I have no money," I replied.

She shrugged. "I can pay for you."

"Really?" I asked.

Kayla walked by and said hi to Andrea. They talked for a bit, and I just lay my head back down. "So, are you coming?" Andrea asked.

I thought about it for a second. Should I? I don't remember why, but there was a part of me that just didn't think I should go. However, the idea of sleeping in the band room depressed for an hour waiting for the game to start wasn't too appealing, either, so I finally agreed to go.

The high school was surrounded by a number of different restaurants. We didn't go very far; just across the street to the KFC on the corner. We ordered our food and grabbed one of the tall tables to wait.

"I've always hated ordering food," Andrea said.

"I know," Zoe said. "I get nervous."

"I don't know why, I've just never really liked asking someone for food," Andrea explained. "I mean, they're not slaves, they're people, too."

"Smae," I commented. I've been trying to get over that fear for a long time. My dad keeps trying to get me to order whenever we go out to eat, but I always have a hard time. If they don't catch me say "no onions" when I'm ordering a cheeseburger, it's highly likely that I'm not going to say anything. I would most likely be seen picking them off instead of complaining.

Looking back, I'm really glad that I did go with them (Andrea, Zoe, Jessica, Jayden, and Jake), it was pretty fun just laying back and messing around before the game. You may say that, me being a Mormon, I would be better off sticking with my church friends; my innocent mind couldn't handle any more inappropriate jokes from the band. Yes, it was hard to get used to, but now, I really don't mind anymore. They may be inappropriate at times, but I still love them. Yes, my church friends are an easier bet because we agree on more things, but it is so much different to have a group of people who believe in the same things you do and except you than it is to have a group of people who don't believe in every thing you do and still accept you. And even though I'm still very close friends with Emalene and Claire and all of my other friends in the youth, I only see them for such a limited time each week. After so long of being alone at school, band has given me something that my friends from church could never give me.