3.15 am

We're just back from the Sippy Mansion. The entire trip to and from the house, Rohit hasn't spoken a word. I know he's hurt. He was very close to his Badi Ma. He always spoke fondly of her. Beyond that, I don't really know how much she mattered to him. Unlike me, Rohit chooses to keep everything about his life to himself. Coming to think of it, Rohit is as much of a stranger to me today as he was when we got married. I don't know much about him except for the usual things that one picks up about the other when they live together for that long.

I look at him, sitting on the couch, staring into blank space. I want to reach out to him, to assure him that I'm there for him. But I know that right now he needs to be left alone. I make my way into the kitchen and am back with two piping hot cups of hot chocolate. He looks up at me as I stretch my arms to hand him his mug. He looks a bit lost. Nevertheless, he reaches for the mug and takes it from my hand. I smile and am about to move away when he holds my hand and beckons me to sit next to him. 

We sit in silence for a while, the only movement, Rohit occasionally rubbing his hands against his mug. I've begun to understand the language of his silence. This one feels like pure agony. His eyes are devoid of any emotion, or not. I cannot tell. I fleetingly glance in his direction before picking up my mug to gulp some of the brown liquid. Although he's holding his mug in his hand, it hasn't made it to his lips.

I take another gulp of the liquid from my mug and clear my throat. The sound seems to have broken his reverie. He moves the mug towards his lips and takes a small sip. I sigh loudly. I know he wants to be left alone. And I'm almost scared I will ruin it with some observation or comment. So, I decide to get up and go to bed. Just as I place my mug on the coffee table, Rohit speaks.

"You know when I was a child, Mom and Dad didn't have much time for me. Dad was completely focused on creating the Sippy brand in the Healthcare space, and Mom, she was the wind beneath his wings. She went along with him wherever he went, attended, and hosted dinner parties, lobbied on his behalf. They were a great team. Ajit was little, around 4 but I, I was older, 10. I missed them, missed having them around, missed having someone pamper me."

I pick up my mug and gently place my hand on top of his, assuring him of my support. That is all the encouragement he needs to continue.

"Badi Ma somehow realized this without me telling anyone anything. She figured out I was lonely. She started spending time with me. She started reading me bedtime stories. She started sleeping with me in my room. She started coming to school to volunteer. She started asking the house-help to cook my favourite food. Where Mom and Dad left off, Badi Ma picked up."

He stops. I can hear his voice choking. I can imagine a little lost Rohit, whom Badi Ma showered with her love and care.

"She was a very special person," I say.

"No Sona, she was my mother. She was the person who raised me. I am who I am because of her."

He looks at me, his eyes red with unshed tears, threatening to spill out any time. "As an adult, I understand my parents did what they had to do, but as a child, Badi Ma saved me. I am Dr. Rohit Sippy because my Badi Ma believed in me."

I squeeze his hand. I don't know what to say.

He looks past me, at the Sukhmani Sippy Hospital building, that's visible from our living room.

"When I was in Med School, the Sippy Hospital Consortium was already a huge brand. As the elder son and heir to Naren Sippy's legacy, it should've been me who took over the Consortium. But I didn't want to. This hospital was special. It was named after my Badi Ma."

I'm speechless, taking it all in as he speaks. Yet I feel ashamed. As his wife of two years, I know nothing about any of this. If COVID hadn't hit the world, would I have still bothered to introspect? Would I have concerned myself with issues other than those of my own? And what kind of a person does that make me? Do I even deserve this second chance that Rohit is benevolently bestowing on me? Rohit deserves better. I'm about to say something to that effect when Rohit interrupts me.

"You know Sona, when I first told my family about you, no one was happy. Everyone believed that you being part of the entertainment industry meant you had loose morals, that you would be selfish and conceited and that your priorities would only include you and no one else."

I turn towards Rohit to pay more attention. Isn't that exactly what I was thinking a few moments ago? Unaware of my thoughts, he continues. "You know what Badi Ma said? She said circumstances don't define people, it's always the other way around. And that every plant blooms in the right environment. She genuinely believed that given the time and love, you would be the ideal wife for me. Nobody in the house opposed her. Because she knew me better than anyone else."

Unknowingly a tear spills from my eye. I owe my relationship with Rohit to this woman. Walking away from him would mean letting Badi Ma's faith, not just in me, but in humanity down. I couldn't do that without hurting the person who meant the world to me.

"Rohit," I whisper. "She's watching over you. She will always watch over you."

He places his mug on the coffee table and hugs me. Minutes later, when he lets me go, I feel a wetness on my shoulder. I smile. Rohit, at least felt I was worthy enough to share his grief.

*****

6.00 am

The alarm clock goes off. It might as well have not. Neither of us have slept a wink last night. Along with the alarm, Rohit's phone rings too. It's his Dad. He picks up the phone and places it on the speaker. He doesn't have the energy to repeat the information.

"Hello," he croaks.

"Good morning," his Dad responds. He sounds somber but much more collected than Rohit.

"We reached out to the priest first thing this morning. With all the social distancing in place, the only rite we can perform is the cremation. Badi Ma will be cremated at 11 am. Chacha, Ajit, and I will be the only ones going from home. You should come too, to say your final goodbyes to her."

I can sense Rohit is finding it difficult to respond. Try as he might, he's unable to elicit anything. I take the phone from his hand, take it off the speaker, and speak into it.

"Sure Papa. Rohit will be there at 11."

There is a short pause.

"No Papa, don't worry. I'll call the hospital and let Tulsi know."

Another pause.

"No, I won't let him go to the hospital today."

Another pause.

"You don't have to thank me for it. Rohit means to me as much as he means to you."

Another pause.

"He'll be there."

I hang up the phone and give it back to Rohit. I then get off the bed and make my way into the kitchen to brew two cups of black coffee. Rohit needs something extremely strong to help him get through today. So do I.

*****

12.30 pm

I'm just laying the table as Rohit opens the door and makes his way in. He's back from the funeral. I'm about to step towards him when he ignores me and makes his way into the bedroom. Shortly after, I hear the sound of the shower running. I go back into the kitchen and continue laying the table. He needs his space to process his emotions.

*****

1.30 pm

It's been an hour since he's back and at least half an hour since the sound of water coming from the bathroom stopped. After debating with myself as to whether I should go to the bedroom or not, I finally dare to peek. Rohit is changed, in a casual white tee and track pants, laying on his stomach, fast asleep.

I smile. The fatigue of all that happened last night has finally caught up with him. I walk up to him and gently pull a coverlet over him. I then tiptoe my way out of the room, and sit down on the table, to eat lunch, all by myself.

As I'm eating, I pick up the phone to call Ma. As usual, she answers within a few rings.

"Hello, Sonakshi." She sounds tired too, but at least she is more composed than she was last night.

"Hello Ma, how are you doing?"

She doesn't answer. I suppose she can't say anything that is true.

"Naren just got back home half an hour ago."

I figured. Napean Sea Road is further away from the cremation grounds than our home.

"How's Rohit doing?"

"He's fine, coping," I respond in between chewing my food.

"Badi Ma had a huge family, none of whom were able to make it. We're thinking of having a Zoom conference condolence meeting." I can sense it isn't something that she's particularly in agreement with.

"We're not sure how to go about this. Between Naren's family and mine, and some of our very close friends, we will easily have more than 200 people wanting to pay their condolences. I suppose I will ask Ajit to look into a paid subscription." Her distaste for this is evident in the way she chooses her words.

"Ma," I begin, but she cuts me off.

"I know Sonakshi, Ajit has already tried to reason with me. But what can I say, it just doesn't feel right. You know I was nineteen years old when I married Naren. I was so worried about what would happen, how I would cope, what my new family would expect of me. The next day morning, as I made my way into the living room, I realized that breakfast and tea were laid out for me. We didn't have any servants then. When I looked at Badi Ma questioningly, she smiled. Walking up to me, she gently placed her hand on my head and said, I know how difficult it is for a girl to leave everything that she has ever known and start all over again. Remember, anytime you need anything, I will always be there for you. It was a very simple gesture Sonakshi, but at that time, it meant the world to me."

Ma almost chokes while narrating this story. I pause to think. Badi Ma, through her small actions and gestures of kindness, has affected the lives of so many people. She has given people hope and courage and taught them to love unconditionally, tempering it all with common sense. If only, we could all be like Badi Ma, the world would be a much better place.

I bring my thoughts back to the present.

"Ma," I tell her, as gently as I can. "You knew Badi Ma better than any of us. What do you think Badi Ma would say if you told her about this Zoom condolence meet?"

She sobers up. "She would say, it's important to move with the times. Your actions should be a consequence of your intention and not the other way around."

"And in this case?"

"Every life she touched, she left an indelible mark. It's hard to believe that despite being illiterate, the wife of the renowned Dr. Piramal Sippy has a larger fan following among her family and friends. Her loss is genuinely mourned."

"And if you didn't host this call?"

"I would deprive the ones she loved and who loved her back from coming together and sharing their grief."

"Ma, the end, always justifies the means, especially for such a cause."

She pauses.

"Thank you, Sonakshi. Badi Ma was right about you. Rohit is truly lucky to have a wife like you."

I'm tearing up, knowing the kind of faith Badi Ma placed in me.

"Thank you, Ma, for putting up with my immaturity and giving me the space to make mistakes and learn from them."

I can hear her smile. "I'm only doing for you, what Badi Ma once upon a time did for me."

Oh, that woman will truly be missed!