February 1989

I woke up this morning feeling weak because I was tossing and turning all night long. A fire started in my heart and it reached a fever that took me out of the dark. I've been having this crazy feeling building up inside of me that I just couldn't handle anymore. I tried to ignore it all day, but it grew. When darkness fell again, I knew it was time for me to do something about it.

I stood in front of Mickey's apartment and pounded my knuckles on the door. My hands were shaking so I shoved my fists in the pockets of my black wool coat as I waited for her to answer. My heart was beating double time. Even my knees were weak, I don't know how I was still standing. I was shaking like a jellyfish... but I kind of liked it.

I have felt like I have spent a lifetime just waiting for the right time to do what I've been too afraid to do. I couldn't explain it, and I can't deny it. My heart was captured, and the time was here at last so I couldn't wait any longer. It was now or never.

I was still with Jackie, which I know is a jackass move. I did not have the patience to break up with her and go straight to Mickey. My heart was throbbing, I needed to do this now. Hell, I needed to do this months ago. Years ago.

I rubbed my index finger across my lips, followed by my thumb. I was nervous. I'm rarely nervous. The door swung open, and Mickey was crunched to the side slightly as she was fiddling with her ear. When she stood up straight, I noticed that she put in a sparkling earring that glimmered in front of her curly brown hair. My heart was beating double time, and wouldn't tell my mind to tell my mouth what it should say.

I was almost expecting her to be nearly ready for bed, because of how late it was. So I was surprised to see her dressed and ready to go out. She looked great. I mean, she always looks great.

"Bad time?" I asked her.

"Sorry, I'm just running a little late for a date."

My heart dropped to my feet. All the hype I've built up for myself all day came crashing down. It's almost like she trying to make sure I will never get over her. What is she doing to me? I plastered a smile across my face and acted interested. "Oh, with who?"

She shrugged and welcomed me into her apartment. When she closed the door behind me, she said, "some guy from that coffee shop around the corner. He bought my coffee so I figured I should let him take me out and buy me dinner too."

I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. I cleared my throat to force my vocal chords to make some sort of noise. I decided not to tell her... this was obviously a very bad time.

"What are you doing here? We didn't have plans, did we?" She asked as she stood in front of me.

It took me a moment to answer her, because I had to escape her eyes. Do I tell her how bad I need her? How's she's under my skin? I never knew what I truly wanted until I looked into her eyes. I don't think I'll be able to tell her, unless I know that I am not alone in these feelings. I need to know.

I finally came out of my own mind to say, "oh, no. No, we didn't. I... um... I just wanted to borrow some... watermelon."

"Watermelon?" She chuckled and tilted her head to the side to put in her other earring.

"Watermelon," I said more confidently.

"Sorry, I don't have any. Come back in May when they're in season," Mickey chuckled and bent down to grab her shoes.

"Shoot, next time," I smiled softly. I hoped I didn't radiate with disappointment. She's really good at reading my energy, she can usually tell when something is wrong.

She walked to her couch and sat down to put her shoes on. My hands were still in my pockets, and my fingers were gripping at the fabric as a way to release the energy I was carrying that was desperate to escape. I couldn't believe she was going on a date. Well, I mean I could but I don't want her to. Was I one guy too late?

"Are you all right?" She asked while looking up at me, snapping me out of my thoughts.

Damn it. "I'm fine, why?"

"You just seem frazzled."

"I'm—I'm a little mixed up but I'm fine. I promise," I smiled kindly at her. It hurt knowing that she won't be mine tonight. I was internally fighting with myself, but I ultimately decided not to say anything. I wanted to put her happiness first, even if that means I don't get to be.

"Uh-huh, okay," she said. She didn't sound like she believed me, but she let it go. She glanced out the window and walked with a pep in her step to grab her little black clutch purse and said, "he's outside."

"I'll walk out with you," I said.

I was happy for her. Really, I was. I couldn't expect her to stay single while I was trying to figure my own stuff out while dating someone else. I felt a little guilty about this decision to talk to Mickey without breaking up with Jackie first, but not guilty enough to stop myself. Mickey deserves to be happy. And if I have to wait a little longer, then that's okay.

I opened the door and walked out first so she could lock the door behind us. She tested the lock by jiggling the handle before we headed down the hallway.

"Are you excited?" I asked her as we walked side by side.

She smiled softly to herself and said, "I guess. He's kinda cute, and he seems sweet."

I didn't realize how hard it was going to be for me to hear those words until they came out of her mouth. They weren't even that impressive of compliments, but it still wasn't easy to hear.

"Don't let him do anything you don't want to do," I advised as we stepped into the elevator that was waiting for us.

She pressed the button to send us to the ground floor and she chuckled, "I won't."

"Make sure he pays for you."

What was I doing? She doesn't need, nor want to hear this from me. She can take care of herself. And I'm sure this isn't the first date she's ever been on.

"All right, I will."

The elevator descended to the ground floor and the doors opened. We walked through the lobby and I continued, "if you ever feel uncomfortable, just call me and I'll pick you up. Okay?"

"Okay."

We walked out of the apartment building and I said, "if he's a murderer don't let him take you to a secondary location."

"Tom," she laughed and we stopped walking. I turned to face her and she placed her hand on my shoulder and said, "you're too sweet. Don't worry, I'll be safe."

Mickey rocked up to her tip-toes and she gently placed her lips on my cheek. I felt a chill until my blushing made my cheek as hot as a volcano that burned through to my soul. Almost like a hot and cold fever. I almost wished that she wouldn't touch me like this because I can't stand this tease. She settled back on her heels and I looked down at her. She put her hand against my cheek and stroked my cheek gently with her thumb. Our eyes were locked until she broke our eye contact by looking back at the car that was waiting for her. She looked back at me and said, "I have to go."

I forced a smile to hide the pain and said, "go. Have fun. I'll be waiting for you."

"What?" She asked, her eyes big.

"I-I mean I'll be waiting to hear how it goes." I played it off smoothly.

Mickey chuckled. I turned my head as she walked past me, trying to catch the scent of her perfume once again. She jogged up to the car and she swung into the passengers seat. I could see her talking to the driver, but I didn't get a good look at the guy picking her up, so I solemnly meandered to my own car and got in.

I felt empty, as if the world was moving without me. I think it's rather pathetic that I'd be willing to be her second choice just to still have her in my life. I just want to start a flame in her heart, but I don't know how to show her that I want to be the one she loves. I'm not going to set the world on fire, but I only have one desire, and it's her. No one else will come close.

What I feel inside is only love, but I will get by somehow. Maybe if I tell myself that it's not real, I'll be able to get over it. Get over her. But my mind is hanging on, so I just have to be strong. Hopefully she just keeps me in mind.

The car pulled out of the parking lot, and I allowed myself to drop the smile I was forcing. That was one of the hardest acts I've ever had to keep up. She took my heart, and now I was paying the price.

Maybe someday, what we have will be more than what it is. I sighed to myself and said under my breath, "I'll be waiting for you."

Will my aching heart ever mend? Will I always feel like this towards her? I can't get her out of my brain. This feeling was eating me up inside. I felt like such a fool for letting her go with someone else. On one hand, I wanted it gone but on the other, I wish it wouldn't. But I don't want to feel like this anymore.

Step aside, here I come: The King of the Clowns. I play make believe with a smile and paint the town as I hide the lonely teardrops that spill under my mask. Even though I am hurting, I am too proud so no one can really tell. I've loved her since the first moment I saw her, but she will never know.

The next morning, I got to the chapel before Mickey. I was preparing for my day at Sunset Ridge High School when she arrived.

I tried to judge her body language to see if she had a good night or not, but I couldn't tell. For one, she always has the same attitude at work, regardless of what is going on in her personal life, and two, I was too impatient.

She got to her desk and I swung around on my chair to look at her. I greeted, "hey. How was last night?"

Her expression was puzzled as she took off her black coat. "Last night?"

"With Mr. Coffee?"

"Oh, right," she chuckled then shrugged. "It was fine. It wasn't great, but I got a free meal out of it."

"I'm sorry it didn't work out." I pursed my lips to express my discontent with her poor date. On the inside, my heart was beating rapidly. This was the best news I've heard all week.

She sat down in her chair and fluffed her dark hair off her shoulder. "It's okay. Boys always just let me down. I'd rather have someone go out with me for who I am, you know?"

"Yeah," I said and covered my emerging smile by burying my face in a folder.

Judy spoke up from her desk, "it didn't work out?"

"No. I just don't get it. He had the personality of a pistachio. Why am I always hit on by the creeps?" Mickey grumbled.

"Because you're gorgeous," Doug deadpanned without looking up from his newspaper.

I noticed Mickey blush a little, but she said, "stop that."

"What? It's true," Doug said while Ioki and I confirmed with nods.

"Like that one morning you got pulled over for going almost twenty over the speed limit and you didn't get a ticket," I pointed out.

"What does that have to do with anything?" She asked.

"Let's just say I know a lot of guys, myself included, who don't give tickets to pretty girls," Doug added.

"I really don't think that's why I didn't get a ticket," she tried to brush it off.

"It's why," Doug and I said in unison.

She rolled her eyes and said, "anyways, I really don't want to be a jerk, so I always try to be nice but it always seems to bite me in the ass."

"If I had someone like you, I'd never make you feel like that," I said while shuffling my papers.

She smiled at me softly. "Thanks, Tom".

Our conversation came to an end when Fuller interrupted us to give us our assignments for the day. I still felt bad that her date did not go very well. But, it was his loss. Sooner or later, I will get Mickey Gregg. Just you wait and see.

Thank you all for reading 🥰
Next chapter is going to be another Tom original!