DAY 3 18/03-18

I'm pissed today. Period. There isn't really much to say. I think that today, like almost every other day, I'm going to keep away from the society and hide under my blanket and hope that the rest of the world will pass away past me.

° ° °

Shiro knocks on my bedroom door, but when I don't say anything, he steps in anyways.

"How are you holding up?" he asks me and his face is scrunched in worry as he sits on the edge of my bed. It gives out a loud creak under his weight.

"Socializing is tough", I wheeze. "I haven't felt this exhausted for a very long time."

Shiro sighs but I see the small smile on his face. The light from outside sips through the small spaces of my closed curtains and lays like lines on his face. "So, yesterday didn't turn out so good...?"

"The highlight of the day was to return home, to be honest."

He sighs again, but this time he's not smiling. "He tried, at least. That's what matters. And whether you like it or not...well, that's another thing."

"But that's the problem, Shiro. He didn't even try! Or, at least when we got there."

"Yeah, you told me." Shiro looks absentminded when he turns his head away from me and stares at my little desk pressed against the wall beside my bed.

We sit in silence until I can't keep myself from asking: "What is it?"

He has that thoughtful look as he looks at me again. "Just thinking, what's the real reason he took you out? You have just met each other, if I'm right? I haven't heard you talk about him before."

This opens a new hatch for possibilities. My possibilities to make things right before they turn out into something very bad. This is my chance to tell him before I have let my silence drag on for too long.

"I told him..." Shiro raises his eyebrow. "About...my disease."

I see a switch in his eyes; they seem darker but I know they can't get darker than they already are. It's always like that when I mention the cancer part. It's not that he gets angry with me when I do it, it's more like he gets angry at life for cursing me like that. He hates to be reminded like that, even if it's evident in our everyday life. He hates when I mention it, that's all.

"You did?" He speaks in an undertone that makes his word sound more like an accusation than a question. "How come?"

I don't answer because honestly I don't exactly know myself. That, and I can't make up good enough reasons.

"Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy you're deciding to open up to someone else, but I'm just wondering if Lance is really the one. You don't know him well, I presume, so is it really a good idea? But what do I know, maybe it is? I'm just asking you." He takes my hand when I look away.

"I don't know, Shiro. I don't know. I kind of went on instinct, and the circumstance wasn't the best, either."

Shiro opens his mouth to say something but the vibration of my phone stops him.

"I should just block him", I mutter and take my phone up from the nightstand to see Unknown Number on the display. My thumb hovers over the decline call button but I don't press it when I feel Shiro squeeze my hand.

"Don't", he says and his eyes coveys an unspoken message. "Answer instead."

"Why?" I ask and I can press decline any second, but I don't do it. My phone continues to vibrate in my hand.

"Why not?"

"He's a jackass, that's why." My words feels like acid on my tongue, and honestly I have no idea why Lance is even calling me. After yesterdays occurrences, I have it hard to believe Lance even wants to know about my existence. I don't want to think in the depth and reflect if I may have exaggerated, because I know those thoughts will somehow make me overly depressed and unsure.

One second I'm holding onto my phone and asking myself if I should answer or just throw the phone out my window, and the next second my phone is pressed against my ear.

"Dios mío, it's about time you answered!" Lance exclaims in my ear and I hear a faint hiss in my eardrum at his volume. "I'm sitting here and calling you and you won't pick up and it must look very sad."

"What do you want?" Shiro squeezes my hand again, but this time it's a warning. I make the mistake in looking up at him and his eyes tells me to watch my tone. I glare at him and snatch my hand away. He just shakes his head with a sigh.

"Um...First of all I want you to lose the freaking attitude, and secondly I want to make it up to you... even if I have no idea as to why I should make it up to you because you were the one acting so shady and strange..."

"Lance, if you called to somewhat claim you've done nothing wrong and talk about my attitude, I will gladly hang up." Shiro pinches the bridge of his nose in between his thumb and index finger.

"NO! No... don't end the call... Just, can I expect you to be ready to go out in about an hour?"

"That depends", I say and hang up, placing my phone in the drawer of my nightstand so I don't easily get access of it.

I sink down on my bed with a sigh, always suppressing my heart down back in place.

° ° °

Lance sent me an address and of course Shiro offered to drive me there this time. I'm thankful for that: I don't know if I can handle more awkwardness than there will already be, and sitting beside Lance again in his rusty car - that he apparently calls "Blue" - and risk turning the radio on again so it'll blast out a romantic song. In Shiro's car I'm safe. Before I need to step out into the war again and I have no protection around me.

"Why the hell am I doing this?" I ask Shiro and he grins, not looking away from the road. "I could just decline his offer and stay at home. Sweet and safe home..."

"You do this to have fun", Shiro says and when I want to inset he interrupts. "But the first and biggest rule in having fun is to actually let yourself have fun."

"But..."

"Try it", he interrupts again. "I know that one of the big reasons you didn't enjoy yesterday was because you were so inserted in being grumpy and annoyed by everything. But this time, be an optimist. See the fun in everything you can, and I can assure you that you'll have a great time today."

"Yeah yeah", I mutter, my prepared arguments thrown out the window.

"Before I let you out, I want you to wipe that pettish look on your face and try to smile", he says and gives me a quick glance. "You should really try it. To smile."

"You make it sound like I never smile", I scoff, but we both know that's the case.

"Because you rarely do it." I glare at him. "Soon your lips will fall into the habit of always been down turned."

I don't say anything as Shiro slowly turns to the right and finds a empty spot in a little parking lot just in front a supermarket. Unlike Lance, Shiro drives carefully. If Lance were to turn to this place he would suddenly become Schumacher and the car would skid into something, for sure.

Shiro keeps the engineer on as he turns to me. He wears a big smile on his face, as if demonstrating something.

"Try it", he demands.

"Try what?"

"To smile."

"Really?" I say, unamused.

"I bet you can't do it without looking like you're in pain", he mocks.

"You bet I can."

"Prove it, then."

I grimace. "Are you serious? Should I just like... smile like some maniac?"

"The smile should fall naturally. So you shouldn't look like a maniac." Shiro drums on the dashboard and the sound of his dry thumbs hitting the smooth surface fills all the silent gaps in the space around us.

He waits for me, I realize. Could I just low key jump out of the car and run to my destination like Naruto or something? But I would probably trip on my own feet before I got two meters away.

"You're so annoying", I say instead.

"I can be annoying all I want but you still have to smile." He snickers at my face. "Come on, just one smile. You gotta practice for Lance."

"Why the actual hell would I just smile at Lance out of nowhere?"

"Oh, come on, Keith. You know you're going to smile at him more than once and most of the time you can't even control it."

I open my mouth to say something but close it when I realize that I can complain all I want, but I'm not getting out of this car if I don't smile. I hesitantly try to open the door, but for nothing. Dammit, he locked it. That genius idiot.

"Just once", I remind, sighing and slowly pressing out a smile. I can feel how forced it is, and my cheeks start to ache. I feel how my face get all wrinkly and I feel the smile falter, quaking to a point where I just want to pout instead.

"Wow", Shiro says and he looks awfully serious. "I don't know how you manage to look like a maniac."

I feel my smile running down and off my face and I scowl at him again. "Shut up."

"Well, now that you've smiled, I can let you out." There is a click and I immediately feel if the door is unlocked. It is.

"It's that café down the street", Shiro informs before I have time to get out the car. He leans over to me to have it easier to put his hand on my shoulder. "Have fun."

"I'll try", I say and step out into the warm whiff outside. "Thanks for driving me here."

"Of course."

I carefully close the passenger door - Shiro hates it when I close it too hard - and I take my time in walking up to the meeting place. I don't want to push my limits. My limits are very low in this condition I am in nowadays. I could die anytime.
But Shiro always insists and argues that I won't die. He always tells me to stop being so ridiculous and stop thinking that way. I won't die, he says, but what if a big part of me has already died? What if one half of my heart already got captured by my illness and has stopped working?

° ° °

The first thing I see is Lance waving over me to the table he's sitting at, with his arms spinning like propeller over his head. He shouts my name and everybody looks at me, and him, and then back at me. I consider turning around and make a run for the exit, but I remember what Shiro told me, and slowly make my way over to his table in the back of the café. I walk past the counter, and a strong scent of vanilla and bread hits my face. I like that smell.

"Keithy boy! My dearest Mullet Man! Glad that you could join me", Lance says when I sit down in front of him. He's talking too loudly and I don't want him to attract more attention than he already has.

"Did I have any other choice?" I say.

"You did, actually. You could have chosen to ditch me, but I knew your heart was too sweet to even consider that."

"Hate to break it to you, but I did in fact consider ditching you, but Shiro changed my mind."

"Well, you're here, and that's what matters." Lance smiles fondly at me, and I freeze.

Clearing my throat, I'm desperately trying to change the subject and wipe that smile off his face. "So... Why this particular café? Does any of your relatives work here too?" I didn't mean to sound so petty and snappy, but oh well, now I did.

"Ha ha", he says monotonously, and then smiles sheepishly afterwards. "But no. It actually started with that I flirted with the new cashier, and she turned me down both times. But of course, I wanted to show I had some dignity left, so I still come here."

"Dignity? I didn't think you even had one to begin with", I say and his blue eyes narrows at me, but the mouth of his corner stays upward. He's wearing a blue shirt today, and the color of that cloth emphasizes the color of his eyes. Now they look more like blue and less like brown.

"You make it very hard to be nice to you", Lance says.

I shrug. "Sorry, but that's just how I am. I am overall a mean person." I start to wonder - again - why Lance is even willing to talk to me after what happened yesterday. I was ready for a rivalry as soon as I released all my words on him, but this is what I get instead; a meeting at a café and normal behaviour. I need to switch subject again. "But, who is this new cashier? Is she working now?"

"Yup, look for yourself", he says and doesn't even bother pointing discreetly at whoever is working. I look over my shoulder to see who Lance is pointing at, and my chin drops.

Like she could feel my eyes on her, she whips her head up from counting the money and her platinum hair in a messy bun bobs at the sudden movement. She seems confused at first, but it doesn't take long for her face to lighten up and she's already making her way out from behind the counter and towards our table.

Her arms is outstretched as she gets closer to me. "Keith!" I let her engulf me in her strong arm and I feel my nose being pressed hard against her shoulder. She smells strongly of pastry and a sweet perfume.

"Allura..." I say and wrap my fragile arms around her hunched body. I can feel Lance's burning eyes on us, and I hastily let go of her. She is smiling broadly at me.

"Keith, what a surprise that you're here! You just made my day!" she chirps and I can literally hear Lance growl.

"I didn't know you worked here..." I don't break eye contact with her; I don't want to see how Lance is slowly burning me with his gaze. I don't want to meet his glare, or my eyes might melt.

"Yeah..." Allura scratches her neck. "I was going to call Shiro and let you two know I got a part time job here, but...you know...I just had a very busy week."

"I understand", I say with my most polite voice. But in actuality, I'm glaring at her from the inside. I know she is avoiding Shiro best she can. And I know about Shiro's crush on her - which is actually very fake because Allura isn't the one he really wants but he acts like it -, and I also know Allura knows about it. But then there's Lotor. That snobby, platinum blonde prick. Always walking on the streets and whipping his long hair back and forth like he's in some freaking L'Oréal commercial. I don't know how Allura went from hating his guts, to holding his hand and sharing memories about her dad with that douchebag. Lotura, is the shipping name Pidge created for them.

"Sorry Keith, but the Shallura ship has sunken", is what she said to me. I rolled my eyes, but inside my head I thought that there was never a Shallura to begin with. Allura isn't the one Shiro wants, and also not the one he needs. He's so fixed on proving his true feelings wrong that he actually forgets the right thing. There is someone else that actually wants him, and Shiro wants him too, but maybe Shiro is just afraid of the world not accepting his choice.

Allura looks at Lance, and her smile falters a little, and her voice sounds unsure as she speaks again. "Hi."

Lance hums and crosses his arms, looking away with an obvious pout.

Allura stops smiling and looks away from him, averting her eyes to me again. "I should probably get back to work. But come and order whenever you want." She tries for a smile again and I forcefully return it.

"Yeah yeah, we'll order when we're ready", Lance dismisses. He couldn't be more clearly than this; he could as well be waving her off our table like an annoying fly.

"Lovely", Allura says but she isn't smiling anymore. The two of them intensely stare at each other before Allura turns around and walks back to her spot behind the counter.

As soon as we're alone again, Lance slams his hands on the table and leans in closer to me. "Why the hell do you know her?"

I clear my throat and try to shrug it off. "Just a... friend of Shiro's. They went to the same college."

Lance frowns. "How old is Shiro?"

"Twenty seven, but he was born on a leap day, so you could say he's a baby now."

"Dude..." Lance looks at me like I just told something mind-blowing. "He's quite old."

"Twenty seven isn't old."

"He's soon thirty, can you believe that? Thirty sounds pretty old to me."

I roll my eyes, try something risky. "How old is your parents, then? Do you call them old, too?"

He snorts and he looks at me with a duh - look. "Of course I call them old. The whole family does. My mamá is forty two, and my papá is forty six." He leans back nonchalantly. "That's hella old."

I hum absentmindedly, looking to the side. Why the hell did I ask that? It's obviously a question you get thrown back at you again. I ask how old his parents is, and it's most likely he will ask the same. Those kind of questions is like a boomerang, only this time I can't catch it in time and it will hit my face hard enough to make me falter.

"What about your parents? How old are they?" There it is. The boomerang coming towards my face. It hits my face with such a force I gulp and catch my breath for a moment. I grip my leg when my lungs starts screaming widely in my chest. It's a heat of wave and I can already feel drops of sweat running down my temples, and further down to my cheeks. I try to wipe them away discreetly, but I can see Lance's eyes follow my hand as it gets to my face.

"Um... I don't... I don't... know."

He raises his eyebrows and he's quiet enough for me to drown into the chatter filled in the little wooden cafeteria.

"You seriously don't know how old your parents are?" Great, he must think I'm a prick that doesn't bother remembering basic facts about my parents. That's not it at all. It's just a very long time I got to celebrate dad's birthday. I never got to celebrate mom's birthday because the only time I really saw her, I was a newborn. And living in an orphanage just kind of erase your concern for your birth parents. I was so angry, and by time I lost track of how long it had been since dad left me. I didn't care to count how many days he spent without me.

"We should order", I say instead. I hope my voice sounds steadier than what I feel. "I'll take the same as you. I trust you know what's good to eat here."

Lance holds a million words on his face but he speaks none of them. It's like stars dotted over his cheeks. Like freckles. It's like the freckles he already has suddenly started shining and glittering and showing a whole universe of possibilities and thoughts.

He is the most expression filled person I have ever met, and that's by just looking at him.

Without saying anything, he nods and stands up, walking up to the counter without looking back at me. I know he has questions - a lot of them - and I know he knows I won't answer any of them, so he doesn't bother asking. But those questions won't disappear from his mind. They will follow every action he makes today. And maybe several other days, too. The universe never ends, and it just leaves more space for words and questions. Just like stars. That's just how it is.

° ° °

I don't know how to describe the rest of the day, but it was weird. Like looking at a picture. A picture of a memory filled with action. Maybe like a picture of me jumping off a big stone. A really big stone, and down onto the ground below to then roll away.
It's like someone took a picture of me midair. And that's it. The action can never be fulfilled. You will never see me hit the ground. It's just me in the air with a toothy smile on my face and excitement lighting up my eyes as I look down to the surface I'll be falling on and rolling on. But it's just like that, me in the air.
In the picture you will always see me that way.

I think today was somewhat like that. Like everything was just midair, taken in a picture and framed. There was this excitement, but I never hit the ground.

° ° °

I just love to pretend that I'm a poet 🙂

But in all honesty though, I can come up with the thoughts for these letters when just staring at a pack of cereal, or something. They just plop up into mind from nowhere 🤷🏻‍♀️