DAY 10 25/03-18

It's the middle of the night and I didn't want to take my sleeping pills. I haven't for the past days now. That's why I look like I just went through a week in hell. That hell being life.

I won't write anything about Lance. It's too much Lance here. Lance is forgotten. He doesn't exist in my life anymore, or not in the way he did at the start. It's enough with Lance.

It's something else I thought of now. I have been thinking of my dad for a while now. I don't know why. If it is something I truly hate, it's wondering. Wondering what if and whatsoever. I want to know the truth. I don't want to believe. Because when I let my thoughts free, I start to overthink. That's what I've been doing these past days. About dad. I wonder why he really left. How I would be as a person if he stayed.

I need a closure. Yeah, that's what I really need. That is another thing I remember about dad. He constantly said that the best way to forget or come in terms with a hard situation is to get a closure. Face the thing that has been bothering you. I said I didn't understand, and dad laughed, saying I shouldn't understand. He told me I was too young to understand.

Sometimes I think he could predict what would be happening. Did he predict all of this? Me wanting a closure? For his absence? He left me, but I still don't know why. Just like mom. I want reasons.

° ° °

Shiro hates it when I sneak out in the middle of the night. He hates the little going out for a walk - note I leave outside his room, that he sometimes see in the night when going to the bathroom. Sometimes I forget I left that note, so I just go right back to sleep when I return home, so he sees it early in the morning when he's waking up, and immediately he bursts into my room to see if I'm there, and sighs when I am, but I get a long lecture after that.

I can't help it. I always snuck out in the middle of the night when I lived in the orphanage. It's a old habit of mine. But Shiro always insists that I'm not living in the orphanage anymore. I have a better home now. I keep on telling him that I will get over this habit. Someday.

So now I'm as quiet as possible tip-toeing over to the hallway, careful not to press my feet too hard against the floor. Anywhere could give a loud crack. When I finally reach the hallway, I try to find my shoes in the darkness. The only light source is from the living room window and the lonely little streetlamp right below us that casts a faint yellow light into our apartment. I hunch down and try putting on my shoe, but somehow, I don't know how, I manage to fall back and hit my back against the wall behind me with a loud thud. 

"Fuck!" I hiss under my breath, and when I try to get up, my elbow accidentally hits our shoehorn that is dangling from the wall - a metallic one, too - and it falls to the floor with a loud clang. I whisper out some more curses and debate on throwing the object across the apartment but why bother? 

What I didn't know is that Shiro was watching me the whole time. I actually give out a squeak.

He looks down at me, giving me a deadpan stare as he crosses his arms. He doesn't even look tired. "Going out for a walk?"

"Shiro, I..." When I try to stand up again, my foot hits the shoehorn and it scrapes the floor. I kick it against our door in frustration. Shiro holds the same serious face when I look at him again. "Uh..."

"I already knew you would snuck out."

I lift my eyebrows. "You did?"

"I did. Whatever happened yesterday, it really left you hollow. I could see it on your face. You were acting so strange. I just knew you would want to sneak out to clear your mind."

I look down in shame, not happy with myself because I managed to make Shiro worry even more. As soon as I stormed out of the café yesterday, I jumped into the car and just told Shiro to drive. Please drive, I pleaded. Shiro asked me no questions. He just drove. As soon as we came home, I locked myself into my room. And when I would come out, I barely said anything. Shiro tried asking me one thing, but I didn't answer it. So he let me be.

"What happened between you two?" Shiro asks, and I look up, because the switch in his voice surprises me. Like he really is tired. He want answers. Just like me. He doesn't want to overthink. He want reasons.

"This isn't about Lance", I mumble because it isn't. I'm not sneaking out because he's corrupting my mind. Okay, even if he in fact is corrupting my right senses right now, it's not why I want to sneak out. "I'm going out for another reason."

"And what reason may that be?" His voice softens when he sees my gaze. 

I clear my throat, because for some reason this makes me... embarrassed? I have no idea why. I have every right to know more about my dad. I could have done this a long time ago, but I just never really bothered. I kept telling myself to hate him, to not care about him. I didn't want to know anything about the man that left me as a child. But it's only now I realize that not knowing anything about him is worse. There is too many what if's. Best to know about the man more before I can really hate him. Or maybe I will not hate him at all?

"It's about dad", I croak out, looking away immediately. Based on the silence I'm receiving, I know Shiro must be very surprised over my reason. I rarely talk about my dad with him, so hearing that I suddenly want to do this big research on him must make him dazed.

We stand there, in this never ending silence, and I don't dare to look at him. I keep on diverting my eyes away, and he keeps on being in a stunned silence. 

I'm about to forget all about this and just try to get back to sleep, but Shiro moves, and he's starting to put on his shoes. I frown down at him.

When he's done, he stands up and snatches his keys from the little bowl placed on the bureau pressed against the wall. He puts a hand on my shoulder.

"Let's go", Shiro says.

° ° °

One good thing with our neighborhood is that we don't live far away from the police station. It can take just eight minutes to drive there by car. I like driving by car this late. There is literally no one out this late. At least where we live. And it's dark, the only light coming from the streetlamps and the headlamps of our car. I love it.

"Are you ever going to tell me what happened between you and Lance?" Shiro tires again. I look out of the window, something happening in the pit of my stomach at the mention of his name again. Whatever I promised myself in my letter is forgotten. I broke that promise. There is still Lance in my life, in the same way as before. I think it will always be.

So I tell Shiro everything. Everything I was thinking yesterday. And the day we met, and all the days in between. I tell him every thought I was thinking, and how I did wrong, but how he made it worse. Shiro doesn't say anything for the entire time I talk, only humming occasionally, and I find it good to talk to him like that. To just spill everything I wanted to say but just kept to myself. It's way different telling what's on my mind than writing it down. It's weigh lifting. Suddenly it's much easier to breath, and whatever weigh I had on shoulder is slowly being taken away part by part. Every thing I say now makes it easier for me to move my shoulders. I just can't stop talking. I'm talking and talking until I don't even know what I want to say or what I got to say. My mouth moves automatically.

When I'm done, Shiro comes to a conclusion. "You like him."

It takes me by such a surprise that I whip my head toward him to fast I fear that I may have stretched a muscle. "What?"

Shiro chuckles.

If he wasn't driving I would smack him against the head. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Stop screaming", he laughs, placing his hand on my thigh and smiles wider when I shake it off. "Don't act like it's a big surprise."

"It is, in fact, a really big surprise because it's bullshit", I say, offended that he would even think such a thing.

"Hey hey, no swearing." Shiro softly turns left and the sound of the turn signal sooths me a little. I like the soft ticking of it that fills the car. "There's no need to deny it with me, Keith."

"You're the one to say", I can't help but snap. I hear Shiro sigh at this, and I curse in my head. Did I manage to fuck up the mood again? I should just stop talking altogether.

"You're right", he says, and this is the third time he manages to surprise me. I look over at him and notice how his hands is gripping the steering wheel too hard. His knuckles slowly turns white. "You're right, Keith. I admit it."

I don't say anything.

He sighs again. "Who am I to say this when I'm the one in denial? But, just... don't follow in my steps. Don't be like me. Learn from my mistake."

I stay quiet for a while because I really have no words to this. Seeing Shiro just simply turning himself in like that. Admitting his mistakes in such a simple way. It shows that even him can't be how strong he wants. He's always the one to help me with my life, telling me to not do mistakes, but all the time he makes so much of them, I am sure. I think he makes more mistakes than I choose to know.

"So you admitted that you where in denial?" I say in a poor attempt to joke, and Shiro's lips is elevated in a barely noticeable smile. The wrinkles around his eyes deepens.

"I guess so." He then looks at me, taunting. "Lance, huh?"

"Matt, huh?"

I see that it's still weird for him that I mention his name like this, in this context, but he covers it with a broader smile. "Yeah. We can have a gay talk later, but now we have arrived."

I grimace and cringe. "Please don't ever say that again."

Shiro laughs and parks. I'm glad it worked out fine between us.

° ° °

An uneasy feelings settles in my stomach as we step into the police office. Just one look at this place and I can already assume that they didn't even try to decorate it to look somewhat nice. If anything I would say they made it look this scary and unsettling on purpose.

Not only that, but also that police offices will always give me a bad vibe. I still remember stumbling through the entrance, tears streaming down my face, as a police officer hurriedly came and asked me what's wrong. In a jittery and trembling voice, I said that dad was gone. I couldn't find him. He hadn't been home for a awhile and I was worried. The officer didn't even need to ask me where my mom was. It was obvious. There stood a feeble little boy who was soon to be an orphan.

The room he took me to was supposed to be reassuring, to calm me down. But it just made me cry harder. The officer was beginning to get uncomfortable and it was then that I decided that I hate police stations.

"Keith, are you sure about this?" Shiro asks me. So typical of him, always asking me if I'm sure in what I'm doing. That's what often makes my intend to quiver. That's what can make me hesitate.

"You won't get much information here", he continues, making my hesitation peek from a corner. "They have a policy to keep any files and personal information secured."

I take in a short and ragged breath. I'm sweating all over, not only my hands, but my whole body. I'm cold sweating. I'm so nervous, so incredibly nervous it hurts. In a way. Maybe I shouldn't be, because like Shiro says, I won't get much out from the officers. Heck, I'd be surprised if I got anything out from this.

Still, I say: "Coran is working at ngith, right? He might give us something. Anything. Just a little clue. I need anything, Shiro."

"Coran might be our friend, Keith, but the laws still apply to him. He won't break them for us."

"I need to get something", I say again, more to myself, as if I'm not accepting the truth in Shiro's words. It can't just turn out like this. I can't have spent days after days thinking about dad just to get nothing about him at all. I need just one clue to bring myself closer.

° ° °

"Shiro! Keith!" Coran seems utterly happy to see us. "What a surprise to see you two here!"

"Coran, it's good to see you again", Shiro says out of pure politeness, and if I didn't close enough, I would say his smile is real. They shake hands. I keep quiet, because my thoughts are loud, and I don't know what so say in this moment. Everything in my head is a mess. Shiro must notice that, and is therefore coming to my rescue, having a little chit-chat with Coran to ease the mood. Once you ask Coran how his life is going, there is no off switch to his blabber.

It takes almost seven minutes until Coran has started to round off, and by then every possible thought have corrupted my mind in a way that give me a headache. I have been staring at the floor this entire time, studying the cracks and scrapes until I now know them by heart.

"So, what brings you two fellas over here this late?" Coran twirls his mustache thoughtfully between his index finger and his thumb, and the dry sound it gives out sets me off.

In a flicker of a second, the mood has managed to go down, and Shiro glances at me as if to ask if I want to say it or if he should do it. I set my head high.

"I want to know more about my dad", I blurt out, not wanting to reflect about anything. I am already on the verge of dropping this shit case, so why hesitate even more?

I can see the immediate change on Corans face, how the gaiety he normally wears on his face just drops, dripping down into nothingness. He even loses some color on his face, and I bite my lip hard, almost drawing out blood. Shiro isn't saying anything, but I know he's looking at me the same way Coran is right now.

Coran knows I have no parents - he'll, too many does - and hearing me bring up this topic this suddenly is surely surprising to him. I guess it would be with any child coming here, demanding to know more about their parents.

"Keith...", he starts, and I can already sense that this is not going well. "I'm so sorry, but I don't have the right to give out information on your dad. I'm truly sorry. I really want to help you, but that would mean me breaking a very important law."

My shoulders drop, and I look down, my under lip quivering in the slightest. I bite it down harder. I feel Shiro's and Coran's eyes on me and it burns holes in my body, going straight to my soul. I'm smelling the smoke of my dignity burning. So it's that easy? Should I just give up already?

"Something...", I mumble to myself, but then I look up at Coran's face, his eyes giving me pity. "Something, you gotta give me something. Anything. I need to know something about him."

There is a decision war going on inside of Coran's head right now, I know it. His eyes are moving fast but he's still looking at me. He brings his hand up to his mustache and scratches it lightly, his lips plumped like he really is thinking hard. It goes like that for some seconds before he suddenly moves, pushing his desk chair back and standing up.

"Wait here. I'm going to go check something fast. I'll be right back."

° ° °

By the time Coran has returned from wherever he went, my thoughts have went overboard. It's like a failed symphony, all the world's instruments playing in my head at the same time until it's just a big mess of noise. Shiro hasn't spoken ever since Coran left. He's been anxiously looking down at his hands that's resting on the desk, pressing his lips together until it became just a thin line. He holds something in his eyes, I can see it. It's like he's fearing something I don't know. It makes me scared too. I don't even know what's I'm scared of, but my stomach is flipping regardless.

When Coran has returned, his face is pale. I can even see something glistening at his temple, and I know he's sweating. I look at Shiro and it's like he just witnessed the Demon himself. He's just as pale as Coran, if not even paler, and it's like he's saying no please. I have never been more confused in my life. I keep swiping my eyes over the two of them, looking like they just spilled their souls out of their own hands.

"Well?" I say, because my hands has started shaking, and I don't know why. I grip my shirt but I can't grip my senses. "W-what... What did you find?"

Coran has it hard to meet my eyes; he's always finding something else to look at. But when he does, I can feel something crack inside me, like I already received bad news and my feelings cracked. Like I'm preparing for the bad news. There can't be any good news behind the gaze. In case he's a hell of a good actor in secret and decided to pull this crappy joke on me. But I knew that can't be true. Coran is jokey, yes, but not about serious things like this. He wouldn't joke about something so important to me.

"Keith..." I see Coran's lips moving but I want to tell him to stop talking. Don't say anything more. I want to get away from this hell hole holding the saddest memory. I don't want to create another bad memory here. I hate this place already, I don't need to hate it anymore.

"Keith, I..." Before Coran can say anything else, Shiro jumps in.

"No", he says and the harshness in his voice takes me by surprise. "No. Don't say anything. It will..." He stops midsentence. But I already know what he wanted to say.

It will break him, his eyes says. 

"Tell me", I growl through gritted teeth. I grip the desk so hardly I fear I might just snap it in half with my bare hands. Coran looks like he wants to disappear through the vents in the roof and never return. "Tell me, god damn it! I need to know!"

"Keith... I'm so, so, incredibly sorry, but your father passed away three years ago."

The whole world stops. I'm not even kidding. It does. I never believed in that shit before. How can a whole fucking world stop just for you? Just automatically lose all its action, it's rotation and life? I thought it was the most stupidest thing someone has ever stated.

But now it stops. The Earth has stopped rotating. Something went wrong. What happened? Why is nobody moving? Is it just me? Am I the only one with the capability of moving? Am I moving against the force that stopped the world from moving? I try to take a step backwards. I think it worked. Coran's face seems further away from me now. But he's still not moving. Why is nobody moving? I can't feel my own body. It's like I'm watching my own body from above, but I have no control over it. It's terrifying. I have no idea of what the fuck is going on.

But wait. No. Go back. This isn't how it's supposed to be. No. It can't be like this. The Earth needs to move again. There is something wrong. The axis must have snapped in half. That's what's wrong. It will rebuild itself. Everyone will move soon.

"No..."

I hear myself speak but I can't feel my lips moving. I'm watching myself speak. 

"No", I say again. The sound of my voice sounds distorted in my ears. Or maybe that's just how my voice is in this moment. "No. That can't be it. No. There is something wrong..."

I see Coran move. It's so much more different watching from above. It's like a sad movie. Only this time I can't really turn it off. I can't switch movie. I will have to see how this movie ends, wait for its credit rolls. I have to watch it.

I look at Coran's moving hand. He's reaching for his backpocket, placing something on the desk. It's a little piece of paper. I start to wonder when everything started moving again. It everything okay now? But why am I still floating above, not in my own body? Why can't I turn off this fucking movie?

"In..." Coran takes a deep breath. "In case you want... to visit him."

Visit him. Yes, I want to visit him. I have so many questions. He is alive. I can visit him. Coran gave me his adress. He just joked this entire time. I have my dad's adress. I will visit him, get my questions answered. All the questions I stored in my head ever since he left me. I will finally get them answered.

Right then, my phone vibrates in my pocket. It's him, my mind tells me. Yes, it's him. He texted me because he's worried why I'm not home. He's telling me to come home immediately. And then I will be scolded for my reckless behaviour, just like a father should do. He's alive. he's waiting for me. What am I doing here?

Take your phone up, before he gets really angry, my mind demands me. Like in a haze, I pull out my phone. I turn it on. The screen tells me it's not in him. It tells me it's Lance. Lance telling me how sorry he is. Lance excusing himself for texting me this late. Lance saying he's so sorry he hurt me. 

I scream and throw my phone across the office.

° ° °

He's alive. He is.