DAY 16 31/03-18

When I say that I'm a boring guy, I really mean it. And it's very noticeable, too. I'm just no fun to hang out with.

Typical Keith: I always dwell. Whether it's things that is so not important it's ridiculous, or things that could mean a change in life.

So I saw what day it is today, and it made me realize how near the last day is. Only four days left, and I have no idea what will happen then. I have no idea if I will extend the pages after day twenty.

° ° °

It surprises me when I see that Pidge is calling this early in the day. Through the little cracks on my phone screen, I see her name on the display, and I warily pick up.

"Hey P..." I don't even have time to greet her when she interrupts me.

"Okay, I need to know what the fuck is up with Shiro and my brother, because Matt is being hella moody right now and I don't know what to do with him", she rants out and I hear the tapping sounds on the keyboards buttons on the other line. "He's even more annoying than he normally is. Romantic bullshit."

"What do you mean?" I ask because all the words just came at me too fast and I'm still not fully awake.

"What do I mean? What I mean is why Matt is sounding like a freaking sappy songwriter from the nineteens or something. Talking about this dark feeling in his chest and a failed romance or whatever. It's irritating as fuck."

"Katie! Stop cursing!" I hear her mom shout in the background. Her parents are the only ones calling her Katie, as it's her real name, but since Matt told us the story about how Pidge used to eat crumbs from the table just like a pigeon as little, she just got the nickname Pidge, and all of us has called her by that ever since then. Calling her by her real name would be strange after all this time.

"I thought things would work out fine for them", I admit, glad that Shiro isn't here to hear what we're talking about. "I thought they were living in some kind of denial, but seems it just didn't work out between them at all."

"Shiro was the only one living in denial", Pidge corrects. "Matt was pining his ass off him but Shiro didn't return his feelings. And now they're just both done, or what? I know for sure Matt would have kept this further, but it seems Shiro just dropped everything."

Her words makes me go defensive, wanting to defend Shiro, and it makes me annoyed that Pidge lets herself talk about him in such a way.

"Hey hey, don't go blame everything on Shiro now. It clearly wasn't meant to be if they both weren't happy thinking about each other", I snap, gripping my phone harder.

The tapping of her keyboards stops. "On Shiro's behalf. He was being complicated."

I'm starting to get angry now. "He was being confused. There is a difference in that. When you're confused, you don't know what you want. He could have just jumped for Matt but he chose to wait and feel if he was ready. What's a relationship if both of you aren't ready?"

I can practically hear Pidge roll her eyes, and I hate it. I hate where this is going, and I hate that I can't stop it. Because now I only have one goal, and it's to get justice for Shiro, and right now I don't care how I get it, or what I need to say to get it. I need to win this argument.

"Please", she scoffs. "You're making it sound like Shiro had a hard time picking which ice cream flavor he wanted. Matt is no ice cream. And I may not know shit about love, but I know for sure it doesn't work like that. And don't pretend that you do. Being with Lance couldn't have made you a fucking professional in love."

I know we're saying whatever right now, and I shouldn't let her words cut deep, but still it does. It's like a hidden message behind what she said. You could never understand love even if you wanted to. I won't say I know what it is just because Lance has claimed a crush on me, but I can pretend I know what it is, base it off of everything I think I know.

"You're right, I know nothing about love. I'll give that to you", I say, my words like acid, splurting out through my mouth. "But what I do know is that every love is different, and comes in different aspects. Not just one. You don't have to know completely what love is to know it's there."

"Wow, being with Lance really did cloud your judgment. What, are you going to write a book now? About every aspect of love or whatever shit you're on about? Don't write about something you have zero experience in."

I pretend that the pang in my chest isn't there, but I can't even fool myself.

"What I'm going to do is hang up, because this conversation is going nowhere."

"Whatever, Keith." She hangs up before I have time to, and the line goes completely quiet. I hear the pulse in my ears much clearer and it overvoices everything else.

I throw my phone to the side and slam my arms on the bed, over and over again, letting my anger out until my whole body is aching.

° ° °

So my day is already ruined. I don't think anything could fix it, and I'm afraid it will get worse. Based on recent events, anything could happen, really, and I'm already convinced it's going to be very bad.

What happens now is very irritating. It's time to visit the hospital again for my big weekly appointment. Meaning I sit on a hospital bed and wait for all of it to be over. Not only do I have it as a reminder on the phone, but my nurse also sends me a message every time, so there is really no escape from it. I still wonder why the hell she has my number. I thought Shiro forgot about it, but he didn't. Seems like he just remembered it in the last second. He wrote on a little paper that it's really busy at work and that he apologizes if he can't follow me there, but that he'll maybe meet me in the hospital. These two past days he has been distant, and weird, to say, and it's like his mind can't stay on one place only. He tried to comfort me as soon as he got home yesterday, but it just felt like he wasn't there. It's like he needed his own recovery before he could help anyone else. The thought of Adam really must have hurt him, because Shiro's memories with him is really fragile, especially the recents ones, because they have something to do with Shiro's dreams and it's something he takes very seriously.

So now I'm walking to the hospital instead, even if Shiro hates when I do it. He always says that I could spend every little dollar he has just to call an uber and not overuse my powers. I never do as he says, though.

When I arrive I feel my mood drop even more. It doesn't help that my new nurse is a real bitch, calling herself Ms. Haggar even if her real name is Honerva, but she believes that every nurse should call themselves something else than their real names. Just looking at her sends shivers through my body, face pointy and wrinkled, dark skin almost turning gray. She always looks like she's on heavy drugs, and maybe she is. Her hair is white - stress or age, I don't know - and it always looks oily, even if she puts it into a low bun. What makes everything so much worse is that she's Lotor's mom, but thankfully Lotor hates her guts and never comes here, so there is really no risk for me to meet him.

"Your pulse is too quick", she states as she is listening to my heartbeats. She always sounds like she just smoked a pack of cigarettes before coming here, and I always wonder why the hell she got this job.

"I walked here", I say, equalizing my bitterness with hers.

"Hm", she purse her lips together and writes something down on her little notepad she carries with her everyday, probably something to add on her why my client is trash-list.

Then she grips my right arm and wrench it up so harshly I hear my shoulder crack. I flinch and hiss.

"Sit still", she snaps, long nails digging into my skin. I bite my tongue to not scream, but I flinch again when the cool metal of the stethoscope touches my waist, and her nails digs deeper. I force every cell in my body to be still so I won't risk her ripping off my arm completely.

Her eyebrow flies up when my heartbeats quickens.

"Still too rapid", she mutters like it's frustrating that everything isn't going as she wants too, like my rapid heartbeats would mean more job for her.

"Maybe if you weren't tearing my arm away it would be..."

"Shush", Ms. Annoying Hag interrupts, putting up a long and boney finger to emphasize her command. "I'm trying to hear."

I give her the finger from where my hand is resting on the bed at my side opposite from her, and I wish she could see it.

I try to calm my heartbeat down because I want this to be over with as much as she wants to. She nods once and throws the stethoscope onto her desk. I watch her miss and see the object fall to the ground, but she doesn't make and attempt to pick it up. As she fumbles for the other equipments, I let mine and Pidge's argument replay in my head, until I know every word by heart. I analyze her tone and the things she implied and it makes my head throb. I start to question if it really was necessary to start this fight, but then I think that I just couldn't hand the victory over to her just like that, leaving things unsaid that would mean that Shiro got all the blame. Even if things she said was right.

° ° °

Nothing is really different about me when I step out of the hospital building. The only slight difference is that my muscles has gone a little weaker, but nothing too dangerous. Yet.

I look down at a message from Shiro where he apologizes deeply for not having the opportunity to show up. He also promises I get to choose what we should have for dinner today. I tuck my phone back into my back pocket, still trying to swallow down the two tablets I took in the bathroom before leaving. I usually don't have it hard at all, but now I do.

As soon as I get out of the building, I have to squint, realizing just now that I came completely unprepared and that I have nothing to shadow my eyes with. The squinting makes the headache worse, and I hurriedly make my way forward, taking a short cut which would mean that I need to walk through the alley Shiro always tells me not to walk through, but if it means that I get a short lasting shadow and shorter way home, I'm up for it.

But the problem with this alley - like most other alleys - is that I always come home with a bad scent of alcohol and junk, and Shiro always scolds me afterwards. I'm glad that he won't be home now that I return so I have time to shower.

I look at the broken windows, and the torn posters on the building walls, and the faded red painting that now shows the gray concrete behind. I take few breathes so I won't have to take in the awful smell too much. I start to rethink that maybe the sun is better than this path.

The smell is almost distracting enough for me to not hear the footsteps behind me, and I feel a hand grip my arm. I move on instincts, whirling around with my arm in the air, ready to punch. The person caughts my arm midair, though, just inches from the face. I blow my hair out of my face to open up my view, and to my surprise I see a woman in front of me, gripping my arm firmly, scanning my face. I watch as her thin eyebrows wrench upwards, like her face is going through a certain emotion too big for her to handle, but she is quick to hide it. Quick enough for me to wonder if there was even an emotion there.

I look down at my arm in her grasp and her skin is as pale as mine. When I look back up I examine her face. Her hair is almost as mine, just messier, like she started to cut it but just left it in the middle of the process. She has a rat tail, now thrown over her shoulder because of the sudden movement she made - it's pink, for that part too, the rest of her hair purple. I wonder who would willingy want to get that kind of haircut.

Her eyes are heavy coated with mascara, and they pierce into mine. What sets me off is the two scars running over her both cheeks, continuing down the side of her neck. I notice how she attempted to hide them behind makeup, but they're still there, noticeable in close sight, at least.

Her eyes sets me off and I pull my arm away from her grasp, backing away slightly, returning the stern look.

"Who the hell are you, and why did you touch me?" I aks, a feeling I can't indetify flipping in my stomach.

"I mean you know harm." Her voice is calm, but still very serious. Her eyes is hard to read, but still I think I see honesty behind them. I shouldn't even be standing here and talking to her, and just go right home. But something makes me stay, makes me want to ask more questions.

"How can I be so sure?" I ask, putting a generous amount of distance between us. "Approaching me in an alley seems highly suspicious."

"Keith", she says, and I let my lips part. She has a pained expression on her face now, and I don't know if she gave up on hiding it or if she doesn't want to. "Believe me when I say that I don't want to hurt you. I just came to talk."

"H-how the hell do you know my name?" I breathe out, suddenly ten times more scared of this woman in front of me, but still very curious.

She lifts her hand up like she wants to put it on my shoulder, but then she let's it drop to her side, fiddling with the white cardigan that's hanging around her waist, the dark pink tank top she's wearing emphasizing the pink in her hair.

"I waited for the right moment to talk to you", she says instead of answering my question. "I hope you can listen to me."

I breathe in sharply, and grimace when the get in too much of the smell. But that's the least important thing right now, as my brain is trying to puzzle things together, but fail completely.

"Okay, this is insane", I say, taking one more step backwards, like I could step away from the insaness. "You approach me in an alley, know my name and claim you wanted to talk to me but never found the right moment to, and now you want me to listen?" I feel myself go rigid, ready if she would attack. "I don't even know who the hell you are!"

"Keith", she says again, and it makes me mad that she knows who I am, but I have no clue who she is. "I need you to just listen to me right now, and you will get your questions answered."

That seals my lips shut, even against my own wish. Something in her voice is convincing enough to shut me up. That need to know what's going on is strong enough to keep me quiet.

"You met one of colleagues recently", she starts, the walls seemingly leaning in on us, but I know I'm just very stressed by the things I don't know right now. "Kolivan, is his name. He is the reason I could contact you in the first place."

Immediately, an image of the man in the graveyard plops up in my mind, and I can practically hear my brain trying to process things, trying to take piece by piece and make it into a whole image, but it's still many pieces missing to complete the whole picture.

"Your colleague", I repeat flatly, tired of all the thinking I have been doing lately. "What, he put a tracker on my car or something? Is that how you found me?"

I said it out of pure sarcasm, but the woman's face stays the same throughout, like she doesn't disagree, and I find myself backing away again, hand fiddling with my phone in my back pocket.

"That's it... Leave me the hell alone. Might just as well call the police at you for stalking..." I start to turn around and make my way forward, but her grasp on my arm again stops me. I wouldn't be able to break free even if I wanted to. She turns me around, and her gaze surprises me.

"Keith..." Her grip hardens. "I left you once. I'll never leave you again."

My brain gives up altogether, drops all the pieces into a pile in my head, things undone and incomplete. I stand there like an uncertain exclamation mark, on the verge to become a question mark.

"What... What do you m-mean...?" I don't dare to move, afraid something in me would shatter. She holds my gaze like she would lose me if I looked away.

"Kolivan contacted me when he saw you visit your fathers grave... and I..." She clears her throat, something fast sweeping over the features of her face, but either I can't or I'm too slow to see what that was. "I... recently found out he passed away. Just like you might have... I presume..." She drops my arm, because she must know that I won't try to get away. Not now, at least. Not before I know what the heck is happening, and the reason for her words. She looks me dead serious in my eyes. "When I heard that you visited him I just couldn't resist it. I needed to see you. I tried so many times now, but I couldn't. But this was just the last straw. I couldn't live with the fact that you lived like this, not knowing why everything happened in your past, and now that you tried to come closer to your past."

My past. How does she know about my past, and why does she speak of dad in such a way, like it pains her too, that he's gone. Piece by piece settles themselves in my head, big enough to make the headache worse. I blink, and I try to decipher the gibberish in my mind into something understandable. It comes to this:

"You're my... mom..." The fact is like a punch to the scull, and my teeth rattles. She left me, she said, just like my mom, and she says she won't do it again. I can't seem to believe that, and I can barely believe she's related to me. But it's just a gut feeling, something that I want to deny but can't. Something I can't know for sure, but is still independent enough to speak up. "But... how... how... why are you..." My mouth feels dry. "W-why are you... here...?"

"I'm running short in time", she says and her voice is laced with something heavy. "It's already risky that I contacted you, Keith. It always was. That's why I never could. I didn't want to risk putting you or your dad into danger."

I can't comprehend the connotation in her words, and why she looks so sincere, because this is beyond cognizance, past all laws of apperception.

"I can't... I can't believe this..." My anger builds itself up like a tower, tall enough to lean in dangerously close to my outburst. "You show up now? Just like that? Saying all this stuff like I would understand? After you weren't present for my entire life, and now you approach me and expect me to forgive you? Are you serious?"

"Keith, I don't ask for forgiveness just yet, all I ask for you is to hear me out. I want to make you understand why I left, now that I have the time to talk to you."

"And what? Then you'll leave me again? You'll just say all this stuff and then everything will go back to how it used to be?" The tower is slowly crashing down to the ground, down to hit my outburst. It will come any second now.

"I will never leave you again", she says again, her voice calm compared to mine, but her face as chaotic as the inside of me. "I will keep protecting you."

"From what?" I snap, trying to do something about my sudden shaking.

"There is dangerous people out there, Keith. Since the day you were born, I have done everything in my power to prevent something to happen to you. I knew they were out looking for me, so I couldn't be with you, because that would mean that they would get to you too. That's why I left. I needed to protect you."

I falter. She makes no sense but still it's like I understand everything. I put segment after segment into something whole in my head. My feelings wobbles and I feel sick to my stomach. It's emotions I thought I knew but they always comes completely new and untouched. They come unexpectedly per usual, so I don't know how to react receiving them.

"You can't just..." I back away again, just slightly, because that's how much I can do at the moment. "You can't just d-drop it all on me like that... Show up so suddenly... And just..." I don't finish my sentence, because suddenly I'm scared, so the first thing I do is to get away. Just out of instinct, right? Leave, and reflect later.

But she takes my arm to stop me again, only to push something into my hand. I feel it's a little piece of paper, and she holds my arm a little bit more, pinning me with a sorrowful look.

"I will let you cogitate about this. Let this sink in. But just know, I will wait for you, Keith. Contact me when you're ready." She let's go of my arm and I hate that something inside me longs for her to hold me again. I try to push that feeling away, but it's hard to when every other possible emotion stirs inside my stomach. She gives me a final look before backing away, and then I'm left alone in the alley again.

I look down in my hand, and I start to unfold the paper she gave, until I see what it really is.

It's a letter.

° ° °

"Lance", I whisper into my phone that's laying beside me on the bed, my head resting on the pillow, my voice drowned by the darkness. "Sneak a peek."

"Yeah?"

"Do you know what an asymptote is?" I ask, glad that I'm completely hidden, but glad that Lance's voice is just beside me. I didn't want him to come over when I told him who I met today. I wanted exactly this. I don't know how I would react in his presence; I think I need no ones presence right now. I just need his voice, and his ears to talk to, and no one around me. I want to give my thoughts space to run in. I need just this.

"Sounds math-ish... so no", he admits in a low voice, probably because his family is sleeping at this hour and he doesn't want to risk waking them up. I picture him in my head, laying just like I am, thoughts running around him.

"An asymptote is a line that continually nears a curve but never meets it in a finite distance." I grip the thin blanket and clutch it so hard my palm starts to tickle of pain. "Lance, my life feels like an asymptote right now. I think I approach the answers but the curve just extends itself infinitely. I never reach those goddamn answers."

"But you learn things on your journey to those answers, right? Things that maybe would make those answers easier to find. You might not reach them, but you pick up things on the way, right? There is an infinite way to go, so start from there", he whispers, his voice so close to me even if it's so far away in actuality. I smile into the covers, breathing out into the stillness, the image of him in my head and only him.

"Yeah", I mumble, drowsy and lightheaded. "Yeah, you're in this journey, and I appreciate it. This journey brought me to you. You help me with answers. So thank you for that, Lance."

My eyes flutter closed. Just for a second, is what I tell myself, but I keep them closed.

"Keith", he murmurs. "Sneak a peek."

"Mm...?" His words turns a little distant, and I know I might fall asleep soon. Partly because of the sleeping pills I forced myself to take today but also because of Lance, and the ease he brings.

"Please don't die", he whispers.

I bring my energy high enough to utter more words.

"I won't."

It's a reassurance for the both of us.

° ° °

Here you have mommy Kogane :)