DAY 17 01/04-18

You know, sometimes I question the gravitational force. Something so particular in itself and self-reliant just pulls everything down into place. What would the world be without it, really? Maybe something like inside my head when I let myself drift off into space; anarchic, riotous. 

You see, there is nothing pulling you into one place out in open space. That's why it seems so scary for most people. Everything runs freely out there. Free isn't always good. Sometimes being in just one place is better.

° ° °

"Come and celebrate Easter with us", Lance pleads into the phone. I got to the denouement that Lance's voice is my gravitational force. My own only. I called him almost as soon as woke up, thankfully not waking him up, because apparently his mom made him get up at half past six to prepare for todays celebration. "Please. I need you here." 

The thought of Easter makes me sick ten times more. I start to think of dad, and that leads me to my mother. Her letter is still laying untouched on my desk, ready to be read, but my head has still not fully accepted this fact. Speaking to Lance right now just makes it easier to not lose my mind completely.

"Shiro can come too, if he wants to", Lance negotiates, the sound of his family screaming in the background, and I start to hesitate even more. "Please, I just want you to be here too."

"I hate Easter", I say again, even if Lance is very aware of that already. 

"I will make you love it." 

I doubt that, but I don't tell him that. He could make me hate it less, but not altogether love it. He would maybe make me tolerate it a bit, or at least make it somewhat possible for me to be near an Easter egg. If it would be enjoyable, well, that's another thing.

"I'm moody and vulnerable, it's risky to have me there", I argue, but a part of me has already accepted his offer, and I'm already planning out what outfit to wear. 

"When are you not", Lance snickers, and his laugh makes up for his words. "But let me fix it. Let me explore your face. Specifically with my lips."

The thought sends flames up my whole body and I'm laying like aches on the bed when I speak. "So goddamn straight forward."

"Not straight, but forward, yes", he teases, and if we were to talk in person I would have smacked his head. "Come over here."

I chew on my lips, trying to calculate every possible outcome if I were to spend the Easter day in the McClain house. I start off thinking about the chaos occurred when it was just a regular day, and how it would be on a special event. If I thought a regular McClain dinner was chaotic, I will have to wait and see how an Easter dinner is. Will I even survive there? Especially when my sanity is balancing on a brittle thread. 

"Don't you dare leave my side", I warn him, hand slippery enough to almost make me drop my phone. 

"I won't", he promises.

° ° °

I figured since it's Easter and it's so bright and shit, I need to follow a certain dressing code. Or, it was more Shiro that got me to wear something out of my comfort zone. It was just a thought to me, but Shiro made me fulfill it against my own wishes. My pants are the same, but not the top. I don't even know why I own that goddamn t-shirt, but Shiro insisted that it would be something to wear under a shirt when he made me buy it. I never wore it, though, because it's so out of the ordinary for me it's absurd if I wear it.

"I still can't believe you made me buy this", I mutter, crossing my arms over my chest and sinking into the passenger seat like that would cover up what I'm wearing. I'm already on the verge of jumping out of the car and walk back home, with no general knowledge of which way to go, since we already drove this far and this road is still very unfamiliar to me. "I feel ridiculous."

"White suits you amazingly", Shiro argues, throwing a quick glance at me before looking on the road ahead again. "I don't get it why you never wore it before."

"Because it's ugly on me." 

"Let's see what Lance has to say about it", he taunts, the grin growing on his face, picking on my resilience. 

"Are you sure you don't want to hang with?" I ask him another time, my worry increasingly growing by every second passing by. I don't know how perceptive he is feeling now, and if he managed to somewhat heal these past days, and I certainly don't know if it's wise to leave him all alone with the whole apartment empty to be filled with his thoughts. Shiro had us all fooled, especially me, and I feel ashamed of myself that I didn't pick up on his true feelings. He really made me believe that he had let Adam go, and I still don't know if he wanted me to see past his disguise. Maybe he never wanted to, and that's what led us here.

"I'm sure, Keith", he reassures once again. "Have fun for me, though. I just need to rest. Have a little me-time, you know. I'll be fine." He smiles like he means it, but still I try to read in between the lines.

"Your choice", I say, looking out of the window, tapping my foot to the music to build up a rhythm in body, trying to store my thoughts into folders in my head, securing most of them so it won't be easy to access them. Just for today.

° ° °

As soon as me and Shiro pull up on their lawn, behind the two other cars they own, I pick up my phone to text Lance that I'm here, but immediately the door to the house flies open and out comes said boy, running towards us with Red following tight behind, panting heavily in the heat. Would it be too late to ask Shiro to drive us back? Lance hasn't reached the car yet.

"He owns a dog", Shiro states, rather amused than surprised. "What a cutie."

"The dog or Lance?" I ask, looking at him beside me.

Shiro shrugs with a little laugh. "Both, I guess."

I raise a brow at him but I'm too nervous to say anything else.

"Have fun", Shiro tells me when Lance is standing two meters from our car, waving me out. I huff, and Shiro puts a hand on my shoulder to spin me around. "Hey. Have. Fun."

"I'll try", I breathe out, feeling like I'm running a fever but still being dipped down into ice cold water. My stomach hurts for some reason, and maybe it's the imaginary ice cubes laying in the very pit of it. Due to my dropping body temprature, the ice cubes doesn't melt. They will be there all day long, maybe even increasing in numbers.

I open the door, slowly, like that would buy me time, but soon enough I'm outside, and I don't even have time to walk one meter away from the car when Shiro is immediately driving out of the lawn, waving to me before continuing down the narrow road and disappearing out of sight. I gulp.

Immediately, I feel something dampen the lower part of my jeans and I look down to see Red drooling over my cloth again, curiously sniffing. I hesitantly bring my hand down to pet her head, more like lightly clapping than stroking, but she doesn't jerk back, so that's good, right? She continues to sniff and I softly rub her back, stunned that her fur is so soft. She looks up at me and pants.

"You're not that bad, after all", I mumble, rubbing just behind her ears, and she continues to stare at me. I wait for some snarl remark from Lance, but hear nothing, so I look up.

And there he stands, two meters between us, staring at me as openly as the dog, lips parted like he was just about to say something. His hand is still mid air after waving, and his posture is locked like that. He's wearing a light blue t-shirt with a little duck in the middle, hair neatly combed. And he's blushing, too. It pulls every little heartstring inside me.

"I... Nice t-shirt..." He stutters out, and I jump when Red paws at my legs, trying to steer my attention back to her. I pet her head again and she pants approvingly. 

"I could say the same to you." I smile at him and my cheeks feels rusty.

"Ah, yeah, this one..." He scratches his neck uncomfortably, blushing harder. "It was the only thing that was the nearest to Easter-ish that I own. You know, the duck could as well be a chicken."

I chuckle, feeling one ice cube slowly melting in my stomach, and it makes the breathing slightly easier. Maybe Lance could make most of them go away. Seeing that he can get this flustered and shy too, reassures me. I bend down slightly and continue to pet Red, pressing my whole palm against her fur, not as averse now that I'm sure she won't eat me alive. She stands completely still and lets me rub her back and head, not showing any sign of barking at me.

"She seems to like you", Lance affirms, and walking up to us, crossing his arms, and I look up at him, smiling just slightly as if to try if I really can. One more ice cube melts.

"Yeah. I th..." Before I can finish, I feel Lance's hand gripping my shoulders and he pulls me up, moving his hands further up to my cheeks, bringing my face closer to his and then I feel his lips against my forehead, even softer than the first time he did this, and he holds them there for an eternity that lasts for ten seconds, and suddenly all the ice cubes are gone because he ignited my stomach in mere seconds and the temprature changes is messing with my body.  

He pulls slightly back and he looks me deeply in the eye and ignores that Red has started barking to gain our attention again and she's desperately clutching both of our legs but this entire moment makes it impossible for me to look at anything else than Lance. My breaths disappears and my concerns follows with. His eyes is encouraging enough to make me believe that reality has turned into something else, and I want to stay in that alternative universe forever.

"Thank you for coming", he whispers, and then he pulls back, and the universe I just lived in? Gone. I'm back to reality and I don't know what I feel about it. But Lance is here, in this reality, and that's enough.

He starts to pull me into the house and even from out here you can hear the hispanic music blasting out, mixed with the chatter from inside. Maybe this is just as Lance described when talking about Cuba. Loud music, running children, smell of food. Heck, it was already like that when I first entered their house, so now all of that must be intensified. If I felt overwhelmed back then, I need to prepare myself now. How? I have no fucking idea.

Just as we step into the house, a sudden explode occurs in my chest, and I halt, making Lance stop with me. Immediately, he looks down at me, worry overtaking his face.

"Are you okay? What happened?" he asks, and I blink in confusion, as clueless as Lance in this scenario. I try to feel if something is wrong with my body but it's completely still inside my chest, and it baffles me. 

"Oh..." I say, trying to calm my breaths down. "Um... I just... tripped over the rug." 

If we weren't in this particular house, I know Lance would have asked more question, because he isn't the one to drop cases just like that when there is clearly unanswered questions still lingering in the air. But then there is his relatives, saving me from this situation, and I see Sylvio running towards us. Red tries to gain his attention too but that doesn't stop him from getting to us.

"Keith, Keith!" he exclaims, and I tense up. He smiles widely, hair sticking out in every direction, glistening in the artificial light, and I guess the hair gel didn't do such a good job in making his hair stand down. "I'm going to get my Easter egg today! The Easter bunny hid it for me so the SummerShadow wouldn't find it." Sylvio's presence is enough to distract Lance from me, for just a second, and Lance tries to flatten his nephew's hair, a smile growing on his lips. He says something in Spanish but the little boy doesn't reply, only looking at me, expecting an answer from me.

"That's... good." Nothing else - or exciting - comes out of me. My mind is still stuck in an obvious question, wondering what the hell happened to my chest mere seconds ago. That, and I'm just naturally awkward, so I wouldn't come up with an exciting comment regardless. 

"You want to see my trains now?" he asks, anticipation in his eyes. Lance continues to try style his hair but with no good result coming out of it all. 

"Um... I guess I have time to... see your trains..." I look at Lance for confirmation, and he opens his mouth as if to indicate a dissaproval, but Sylvio is already pulling me towards the stairs, and up to the second floor. Red starts to bark by the sudden movement, but fortunately doesn't follow us up. Sylvio's small hand pulls me into the opposite direction from Lance's room, kicking the door open. I see how he's sharing his room with someone else, with what must be Nadia since she's sitting on her bed on one side, playing with a Mario toy and what must be an astronaut figure, but perking up at our appearance. She smiles, probably thinking it's Lance - hair braded into two pigtails and a fluffy yellow dress on her little body - but gawks when she sees me instead. I look away, as awkward as she is, and I watch as Sylvio throws himself to the floor, adjusting his multiple trains on the railways tracks. Damn, does he own the whole toy store, or something? Different kinds of trains - differences I can't really distinguish - litters the whole floor, leaving not much space to walk in. He takes care of them like each one of them deserve every little time he has to offer, carefully placing them in right places, and making low train noises while leaning over them and dragging them through the wooden railway tracks.

"That's... a lot of trains", I diffidently say, very much aware that Nadia is still staring at me. 

Sylvio whips his head up, smile plastered on his lips. "Do want to play with me? I have trains for you too. But mine is faster, because I am the best motorman." He points at the trains I will play with, urging me to get into it.

"Uh... Sure." If it means that I will hide myself from any social interactions downstairs, and not get too much attention from the little boy since he seems so preoccupied in this task, I will gladly do it. I throw a quick glance behind me just to note that Lance isn't behind me, which must mean that he didn't want to follow with or was ordered to do something by his mom. It's probably more likely to be the latter option. 

I carefully make my way over to the trains waiting for me, making sure not to destroy Sylvio's masterpiece with my feet. I struggle to find a comfortable position on the floor, given this little space to sit in, and I take long enough for Sylvio to look at me, impatience on his face. The carpet is short cropped, and itchy, digging into my jeans and irritating my skin. I get stuck in a posture where my one leg is up against my chest and the other one is laying folded on the floor, making it hard for me to move. 

"You can drive into the station over there", Sylvio says once I've stopped moving, pointing to a particular direction, his small hands driving his trains forward. I doubtfully take a hold of my trains, slowly moving them forward, occasionally throwing glances at him to see how he's doing it. I have my back towards Nadia, so I have no idea if she's still looking at me or not. She probably is. It makes my body tense, not only because of that, but also because of what happened earlier, like my body is ready for another sudden explosion inside my chest. I should be very cautious and call Shiro immediately, but being me in particular I choose to push it to the side for the moment, hoping it was just a one time thing.

"NO!" Sylvio suddenly exclaims, and I flinch so violently that the train in my hand gets off track, and my heart is throbbing hardly against my ribcage.

"Jesus fu..."

"You can't drive on that railway track", he says like it's the most conspicuous thing in the world. "It's on repair!" He points at a little toy sign with word STOP in the middle of the red background.

"Oh. Sorry", I mumble, quickly pulling my train back to drive on another track. Sylvio nods contently and reverts to the task at hand, making louder train noises, loud enough for my ears to twinge lightly.

It goes like that for what feels like a lifetime; me driving slowly on railways that's not on repair or disabled, careful not to bump into his other trains or signs, and by the time, I have fallen into a basic rhythm. Nadia must have started playing at some point, based on the clashing sounds of toys behind me. I turned off the timer inside my head, so I didn't need to keep track of any time, so I have no general idea of how long I've played here.

"Look! You have passengers waiting for your train!" Sylvio says, moving small plastic toys representing people. I stop my trains in front of them.

"I need to take them to the Fartilium station, were the station is made of jelly that looks like fart." Not sure what my fantasies came from and where they took me, I move my trains forward again.

Sylvio starts to giggle uncontrollably at my words, his laughter so childish it makes them cute. It fills me with some kind of elation that he finds what I said funny.

"Jelly that looks like fart", he presses out through chuckles. "Does it smell like fart, too?"

"Of course. Everywhere you walk gives out a fart sound, and smell too."

The little boy laughs out now, his laugh like a lighter and choppier version of Lance's, and I can't help but to smile ridiculously widely, big enough that my cheeks starts to hurt again.

I look at this little version of Lance, hearing his sincere laugh, and thinking that this is not bad at all.

° ° °

When Mrs. McClain shouts "Chicos! La comida está lista!" through the whole two-story house, I have just started to really get into the playing, even if there isn't much happening at all. Sylvio is fast to jump up, grabbing my wrist to pull me up, urging me to move, saying something about garlic nots and Lance loves garlic nots. He always eats all of them, so be quick to take them and he pulls me out of the room, down the stairs where the smell of food is strong enough to be the only thing I smell. It's like every possible spice that exists gathered into this very house, and I scrunch my nose, not entirely sure what to think of the smell. Mine and Shiro's meals are always plain and simple -  we often just order Chinese food, but we like to deny the actual amounts of times we do - so the sudden smell confuses me. Crap, my clothes will for sure smell like food when I come home again.

Sylvio manages to drag me all the way to the kitchen, and I choke on thin air. Everyone is gathered there, pressing themselves together to fit around the table, shouting over one another. My eyes don't know what to focus on again. I see Lance's mom placing the last plate of steaming food on the dining table, whacking someone in the head with a towel when they try to eat. I see a man sitting at the end, a tired look on his face as a kid is constantly moving, and I take a guess that it's Lance's father, even if I never got the chance to see him last time. There is Luis sitting in the same spot since I saw him, opening his arms up to Nadia I didn't even know were behind me and she crawls under the table to get into her father's lap, clinging onto his shirt. Veronica - who is normally very expression filled and forward - now sits with a straight back and formally places a white napkin on her lap, folding it carefully and nicely, patiently waiting for her mom's orders to tell them to eat. There is a girl sitting beside her that I didn't see before, too, her hair in the same hairdo as Mrs. McClain, same features as Lance and dressed in a plain white dress, regularly putting a strand of hair behind her hair, her posture reserved and reticent. Then there is an old man and woman, both looking very confused. And of course, the two cousins that always succeeds in annoying the shit out of everyone.

My eyes desperately searches for Lance, but can't find him. My heart starts to spasm and breakdance in my chest, and then my pulse throbs itself all the way up my throat to my head.

"Kevin!" someone suddenly exclaims through the noise, and I search for the voice's owner, trying to dig deep into my head to remember if Lance said anything about a Kevin. I see his Aunt, dressed nicely in a yellow flowy dress, walking towards me with outstretched arms, a big smile on her round face. She cups my cheeks and gives them a hard squeeze. "It's nice to see you again, Kevin."

"Ah, it's actually not Kev..." I start, but Sylvio interrupts me. 

"I want to sit next to Keith!" he says to Laura, clutching my hand harder, seemingly untouched by my sweaty, exposed skin that my glove can't cover. 

"Ay ay ay, tu pelo!" Laura shakes her head disdainfully, releasing her hold of my face, trying to flatten the boy's hair, and I exhale, softly rubbing my aching cheeks. Sylvio jerks away from her hands, saying something in Spanish I can't understand. Where. The. Fuck. Is. Lance?

Laura sighs and withdraws, helping her sister with something, whacking someone else's head with her bare hand.

"Those two seats are for us, Keith!" the boy beside me says, excitedly pointing at two empty wooden chairs that can fold. 

"Hey now, who told you that you could sit beside my Keith?" The voice is like light cutting through darkness, and I whirl around, releasing Sylvios hand to grip Lance's shoulder.

"Where. Have. You. Been?" I growl through gritted teeth, giving him a death stare and clenching his shoulders so hard he grimaces. 

"I just went to the bathroom..." 

"You weren't supposed to leave my side." I try to bring my pulse down but the chaos around me makes it impossible.

"You wanted to follow me into the bathroom, or what?" he laughs, frowning down at me, probably amused by my clinginess. 

"I want to sit beside Keith!" Sylvio shouts, clutching the hem of my t-shirt, trying to gain my attention again, but I still stare at Lance. "I said it first, Lance! We are the best motormans, so we need to sit together!"

Lance raises his eyebrow teasingly. "Motorman, huh?"

"Yes! So Keith needs to sit beside me." 

"How about we both sit beside him?" Before Sylvio has time to protest, Lance lifts him up, carrying him to the two chairs, pulling me with at the same time. He pushes me down into one chair beside what must be his very confused grandpa and sits down in the chair beside me, Sylvio in his lap. His nephew crosses his arms with a pout but doesn't say anything.

I flitt a glance at the old man on my right side and with a shaky hand, he tries to grip the fork but eventually Laura appears behind him and helps him. She says something in Spanish which is too complicated for me to understand.

I flinch when I feel someone grip my shoulders, and when I look over my shoulder I'm met with Mrs. McClain's honest smile, tugging at her facial features. She has bent down a little to come in level with my head.

"So nice you could join us", she says, and I freeze when her face comes closer, and she kisses me three times on the cheeks. I've heard of that greeting before, different amounts of kisses in different countries, but I just never encountered that.

She pulls back and I can finally release my air from my swelling lungs. The grandpa hasn't even noticed my precense, and just continues to stare down at his plate like it's the first time he's seen such an object.

I'm glad that Lance's father is blocked by other people on my right, so I don't have to greet him too. I make a bold move and look up, and instantly I see Veronica winking at me, sitting right in front of me. Immediately, a piece of bread is thrown at her face, coming from beside me, and I see Lance glaring at her. Sylvio chuckles.

Veronica is just about to throw the bread back at her brother, but quickly hides it under the table and straightens her back when her mother sits down at the very end of the table, opposite of Mr. McClain. Veronica scowls at her little brother from across the table, as their mother starts to speak in Spanish. I try to pick up words from her sentences and quickly try to translate them in my head but as I put all the words into my head they make zero sense.

One of the cousins has already reached for the lasagna and Luis gives the little boy a stern look, which makes him retreat. Beside him, Marco yawns big, rubbing his eyes.

"La suerte está de nuestro lado, bendiciéndonos con esta fortuna, comida y salud. Vamos a disfrutar de nuestra suerte", Mrs. McClain says as an end to her speech I couldn't understand for a second. Everyone hurrais and whoops before diving right into the food, and it's like I'm watching a flock of hyenas eating their preys.

Pieces of bread is thrown across the table, words are shouted all around me, forks is scraping against plates and bowls is passed to one another. I sit completely still in this chaos, moving my eyes from person to person as if something would attack me. It's just like the first time I ate here, but times a billion. My pulse is rising like crescendo in my ears, but failing to drown all the other sounds around me.

"Kevin!" I flinch, looking to my right, seeing Laura pointing at my plate. It takes me some seconds to understand what she wants, and I warily pick up my plate and hand it over to her. She snatches is from my grasp, now pointing at a bowl of rise. Damn, that much rise could feed a whole population.

"Rise?" she prompts, and before I even have time to answer, she is already filling my plate with big scoops. Chocked, I watch as the pile of rise get higher and higher.

"Um...! That's... enough..." My voice gets drowned by everything else, until it just dies out completely. She is already pouring over a sause that I have no idea what it consist of, not hearing or caring about my words. She pours everything laying on this table onto my plate, and when she finally gives me it, the piles are so high some of it spills around me. I gulp, my appetite somewhere in the trash can.

"You don't have to eat all of that", Lance says beside me, his voice close to me, and when I turn my head our noses almost bumps together, and my face gets eaten by big, hungry flames. He wears an askew smile on his lips. Sylvio must have left at some point, but I never noticed it. "Leave some of your appetite for me. I want you to have a tad hunger left when I kiss you."

Even if there is no way anyone else could hear what he just said, I wheeze and lean away from him.

"Lance..."

"Just teasing. Or, not really, but anywho, what did you think of mamás speech? She gives the same one almost every Easter", he asks, leaning back a bit, his voice growing louder so I can hear what he's saying.

"Didn't understand a thing", I say. I poke my fork into the food in front of me, unsure if I should really eat it when I have no idea what it is. My water stays untouched.

"I figured", he chuckles. "She basically talked about how luck is on our side. That's kind of our believe. Not God. Fortune is kind of like our God, in a way. She said that we were blessed with fortune, food and luck, and that we should enjoy that we have it. She says that everything comes with a  reason. We worked for this fortune, and we're lucky to still have it."

Both mine and Lance's eyes wanders to his mother. She wears a big, joyful smile as she helps her children with pouring food over their plate, scolding the cousins for misbehaving. She holds a sweet but stern look at the same time, her features what makes her so soft, but her voice hard as she speaks to the disobedient. I try to compare that look with my own mother I met just yesterday that I still don't know the name of, and the differences in their gazes. The sad one I received, and the soft one Lance and his family is given right now. Fortune and luck was on their sides. It still is. It wasn't for me.

"Your mother is wise", I say. And oh, how lucky Lance is, learning from her.

° ° °

If I thought that pushing away the incident that happened when I just stepped into the McClain house today was a good idea, it definitely isn't now. Excusing myself from the table, feeling Lance's eyes burn my back, I stumble to the stairs, glad that the children is occupied by the TV in the living room - if there is one thing I know it's that kids can be so goddamn obtrusive.

I walk up the stairs and each step is spinning my head into different directions, until I can't distinguish what is what anymore. As soon as I reach the second floor, I clutch the fabric over my chest, as if that would help with the pain, and I bumble into the nearest room, pushing the door closed with my foot, flopping down onto the small bed.

I straighten my back and lift my head high up, using the usual method when I have a hard time breathing. But this is something else. This is thousands meteorites falling at an incredible speed and hitting the ground that is my chest, exploding into sharp stars in my lungs. It's like cramps but short ones, coming in a steady rhythm.

I breathe out sharply through my nose, frustrated that the method isn't working, which makes me panic, which leads to the pain getting worse.

Not now... I still have three days left. It's too early for this now. My lungs isn't supposed to give up now. I bite down on my tongue, trying to steady my breathing but they just come out ragged and cropped. I double over, clutching my chest as I rock back and forth, trying to sway the pain away. My phone is in my pack pocket, and I really need to take it out now and call Shiro, but my arms won't comply.

I continue to rock, hoping for any good result. I don't even realize I'm crying until I see small drops dampen my jeans, falling faster after I make that statement. Fuck, it really hurts.

I close my eyes hard, so hard my face startst to hurt too. I try to breathe in again but this sitting position makes it even harder. My air tubes is completely closed, or maybe breathing won't help with this situation. Maybe that's not the solution.

Through the madness going on, I pick up a voice. Distant and hesitant, and very light. It lifts my eyelids up, leading my eyes to the door. I blink, seeing a small form leaning slightly in to the room, tiny hands gripping the edge of the door.

"Are you..." Nadia starts in a meager voice. "Are you... sad?"

If it weren't for this scenario, I would have been happy that she actually spoke to me. But now I can't do anything else than to just wheeze and bite the pain away.

"I-I... No, I just..." Once again, I try to lift my hands but they stay still on my chest. "It's just hurting a little..."

Her little body slowly walks into the room, leaving the door ajar, big eyes locking into my glossy ones. "Where is it hurting?"

I try to sort my emotions into just one place, but I have no control over my own body. I look into her eyes and they're Lance's but still not. They lure my words out.

"My c-chest..." Another, harder, pang, and my teeth rattles until it feels like they're about to fall off.

Questions and hesitation sweeps across her little face, like she's contemplating if she should just stand still, leave or walk up to me. It takes some seconds as she just stares at me, but then she seems to go with the third mentioned as she quietly and shrinkingly makes her way over to me, placing her small soft hand onto my one arm holding my chest together. She starts to stroke my arm clumsily, blinking up at me. I wail, biting my lip so hard all I taste is metal. The tears falls steadily, almost unnoticed if I didn't have a clear view of how they dampen my jeans. I clutch my t-shirt so firmly I can almost feel how I'm ripping it into shreds. Every intake of air makes my chest swell so sorely I fear that just breathing will rip my whole body apart.

Nadia brings her other hand to pat my other arm, small, soft fingers gracing my exposed skin. Her comforting is doubtful, and really careful, and I try to show my gratitude, but the only thing I can do is to whimper.

"Do you..." She pats my arm with little more surety. "Do you want me to get Lance? Will he make you happier?"

I would have chuckled at this whole thing if it weren't for me slowly dying on this little bed.

"I don't... I don't want to worry him. I just need to... b-breathe, and I will be fine." I try to meet her inquiring eyes but I feel how my gaze is always swerving to the side. "But thank you for... staying here..."

"Papá always tells me that it's not good to be sad by yourself. You need to get help from people to make you happy again", Nadia tells me in a light voice, a sympathetic countenance on her face, or as sympathetic a child can get. "Papá always sings Luna Lunera for me when I'm sad, and then I get happy." She continues to stroke my arm. "Do you want me to sing it to you? To make you happy?"

Trough all the pain and affliction, I smile, just barely, but big enough for her to smile back.

"S-sure."

Her smile grows bigger, almost as big as the smile she wears when she sees Lance, and her eyes twinkles. Immediately, she starts to sing the first words in a high and dauntless voice. "Luna Lunera, cascabelera, ve y dile a mi amorcito, por Dios, que me quiera." She sways her hips a little as she sings, tapping her foot with the inaudible beat. She has stopped stroking my arm now, completely focused on the words that is flying out of her mouth and getting into formation around us, tucking us with comforting arms.

I can't understand a word she's singing, but I find myself falling utterly in love with the lullaby. Maybe it's just how she sings it, so child-like and all that, waking up certain feelings inside me. I never had parents to sing me lullabies when I had a hard time falling asleep or if I was feeling sad. Most of my childhood I had to fall asleep by the sound of fighting kids in the room next to mine I shared with five other's that had as hard time falling asleep as me. Maybe if it was someone else singing this to me, I wouldn't feel as much as I do now, maybe it's just her voice that reminds me so much of being a child. My memories as a child weren't good, but this lullaby reminds me that they could be, that there could be an alternative universe where they are good. Not in this universe, but another one that just consists in my head.

Through all the agony, I smile until the song ends, and I ask her to sing it again.

° ° °

Okay, I'm quite certain that half of the things I wrote in Spanish is wrong but Google translate should take the blame