DAY 7 22/03-18

Judge is a sly little thing. You know, it's so easy to judge, looking at anything. See a person talking to them self on the street, you think they're crazy, when really they just talked in the phone using headphones that you didn't see. You see, when judging, you forget to see the whole picture. You pick up small fragments of the truth - sometimes not even the truth - and base your judgment on that. Judge is toxic, the best weapon to strike with. 

I can say that me myself, am guilty of judging, sometimes too often. Let's start with Lance. I judged him too fast, I can admit, but judging just falls naturally for anyone, I think. You want to believe in what you see, but not beyond that. In the beginning, at least. And whether you decide to see past what you see, it's up to you. I want to prevent judging from being a natural habit for me. I don't want to be judging, but I am. 

Because all my life people have judged me.

° ° °

Shiro is surprised to see me enter the kitchen this early, fully dressed. He's just about to take a sip of his cup of coffee but he stops in his action. His favorite white cup with the black #1 Space Dad in the center, and I still wonder where he even got this cup from. 

"Keith..." He sounds utterly surprised, like he really thought that me sleeping through the whole day was obvious. "You're up early... How come?"

"I'm going to school", I simply answer.

"You are?" Shiro sounds perplexed. Then he puts down his drink. "Wait, no you aren't. You still need to rest."

"Shiro, if you mean "rest" as in rotting in my room the entire day, then no, I don't need to rest." I take out cereal from the cabinet, pouring it in a bowl. I hate breakfast, and looking at the small disgusting small oat-flakes in my bowl makes me vomit in my own mouth. 

"Keith..."

"Shiro, I need to go out, I can't miss school anymore. It's to no use. I only overthink when I stay here. I need to clear my mind, prompt it with school work", I say in a tone that should end any further argument. Luckily I succeed and Shiro doesn't say anything more. We eat our breakfast in silence.

° ° °

"Keith, please, please be careful", Shiro says for the hundredth time this morning. I sigh and fetch for my bag but Shiro grips my shoulder, giving me a stern look. "I'm serious. Don't overwork yourself. Don't try to prove ridiculous things to people. They aren't worth you getting yourself hurt."

"I know Shiro, I know. I won't", I say one last time and swing my backpack over my shoulder, exiting the apartment with a sloppy wave and a small smile at Shiro. Shiro smiles back but he still manages to scold me with his eyes. I quickly look away and make my way down the hall. As I walk past our neighbors door I can hear that the baby has started crying again and it still sounds like a freaking wheezing whale. I start to take pity on the parents that has to put up with that everyday.

As soon as I step out of the building I'm instantly met with a loud honk from a car right in front of me, and I need to squint and shadow my eyes with my hand to see the driver's door open and out comes a certain Hunk, running towards me, flapping his arms. I get ready for the impact and puff out as he collides with me, engulfing me with his big arms. I hiss against his shoulder.

"Keith!" He hugs me harder and stops any blood from flowing through my body. "Oh my God, I was so worried!" Finally he let's go and instead grips my shoulders, staring right into my hollow soul. "Don't you ever get hurt like that again." Before I have time to react he hugs me again, softer this time. "I was going to visit but I never had the time. Oh my, I'm so glad you're okay."

"Hunk", I say, startled by the sudden greeting and the fact that he's even here. "What are you doing here?"

He let's go of me again, his gaze soft. Then he points up at our window, hinting at a small smile.

"Shiro sent me here. For your safety, you know?"

I look up at the direction Hunk is pointing just to see Shiro pushing the curtains aside, trying to find me with his eyes, and nods once when he does, before waving one last time and walking away from the window.

"Oh my God", is all I get out.

"Come come, we're going to get late for school!" Hunk is already dragging me towards his car, pushing me to the backseat. The only reason I want to step into the car is because I need the air conditioning so bad right now, and I hope Hunk's car will give me what I want.

 It doesn't, but it's already too late to jump out because Hunk has already jumped into his car and has locked the doors. I feel droplets of sweat forming at my neck, running down my back.

"Heyyo Mullet Man!" I hear from in front of me, and when I look up I see Lance's smug face looking straight at me. It gives me a minor heart attack and I jump in my seat. "Good morning! How are you feeling?"

"Lance!" Hunk shrieks, giving Lance's thigh a light slap that seems more cute than intimidating. "Don't scare him like that!"

"Oh my God", I mutter again, my head still drowsy this early in the morning. It's too early for this shit.

"I think he's feeling well", Lance says as he turns forward in his seat again, turning up the volume of the radio.

That's where you're dead wrong, I think but I'm too lazy to say it. I let myself get consumed and trapped in the rubbish song blasting out from the speakers. I buckle up and then lean my head against the window, staring out at the familiar road as we take off. Lance is babbling at the front but my head can't focus on what he's saying. I hope he's not talking to me, though. I feel my hands moving even though I'm not fully aware of it, and when I look down I can see them fiddle in my lap. I stop immediately but shortly after I start to tap my foot in a very quick speed. Hunk must be hearing it because when I look up I meet his eyes in the rear mirror, and he gives me a questionable look. I just look away and try to keep still, but it's not easy.

I always get this fidgety in the mornings when - I hate to admit it but it's true - I'm heading to school. I hate that I care about what other's will say about me this time, what prejudices will be thrown at my face. I hate that I care in general.

"You okay back there Keith?" Hunk asks and I hear the obvious concern laced in his voice. Lance shuts up and looks back at me, and just for a second, his eyes turns slightly darker by the same concern Hunk's voice is holding. It paints my face red. 

"Yeah", I quickly answer, tugging at my gloves to give my hands something else to do. As for my leg, I just press it hardly against the floor, hoping it will be still. "Where's Pidge?" I ask to change subject. "Are we going to pick her up too?" 

"She's already in school", Lance chirps in, turning back forward, back to his obnoxious self, I can tell. "Dunno what she's doing there before us, though."

"She's studying for the science test today", Hunk fills in for Lance. "Even if she really doesn't have to."

"The science test?" me and Lance says in unison. Lance in a frantic voice and me in a oh yeah, the science test voice. I thank my past self that I studied for it before the incident in school happened, or I would have came to the test with zero information stored in my brain and nothing good to come with.

"Man, I didn't even know we had one", Lance admits with a sigh. "Oh well, I think I will pass, at least. I'm that person that often pass a test even though I'm not ready at all."

"So you mean that you're cheating", I tease, my fidgeting gone for the moment.

"I'm not cheating! My level of smartness is just above yours, that's all! And you're too jealous to handle it in a proper way."

"Yeah yeah, call it what you want, it's still cheating." Lance is fuming in the front seat and I feel satisfied. "I'd say that you "accidently" drop your rubber every now and then and bend down to pick it up and glance at the paper beside you on your way up again."

"Screw you, Mullet! I'd say you got your head too far up your ass to be talking anything else than bullshit."

"Hey hey hey! Let's not be using  nasty words here", Hunk warns and turns up the volume on the radio a notch as if it could drown our argument with its noice.

"Whatever", Lance says and crosses his arms. "Keith, have you heard anything from Allura?"

His randomn question startles me and I don't answer immediately. Every possible though swirls in my head before I can answer him.

"What... why would you want to know that?" I finally ask, caution and confusion in my voice. I look at Hunk in the rear window and I'm surprised to see that he looks disappointed.

Now it's Lance's turn to hesitate in his answer, and all sorts of questions is corrupting my mind right now.

"No reason", he then says, setting an sudden end to the sudden conversation. Hunk sighs and I need to make a note of this moment to analyze later. Right now my head isn't in the right place.

My hands start to fiddle again and this time I'm to powerless to stop it. I don't what it may be due to this time.

° ° °

It's lunch, and due to me visiting the bathroom for two specific medical pills, I am the last to arrive to the lunch table where the trio is currently sitting and chatting. So far, the school day has gone smoothly, except for the stress I will face when it comes to homework and information I have missed. But I have no idea what may happen these remaining school hours. I could be falling down the stairs and break my bones for all I know. 

Before I came here I decided that whatever happened between Matt and Shiro is to be unspoken of from now, so I won't bring it up with Pidge. And if she decides to or not, well, that's her choice.

When I set my tray beside Pidge's on the table, I can feel the irritation she's radiating. Hunk is miserably looking at Lance as he's talking happily, with the tint of a blush on his cheeks. He holds that sight as if he just witnessed someone pull out the moon from their pocket. It's a fond and helpless sight, painting Lance's eyes brighter with hope. I have never seen that look before.

"She's just so... wow", he sighs, clearly not noticing - or maybe just not caring - about my presence. He's resting his chin in his palm and looking up at the ceiling, fluttering his eyes like a romantic teenage girl.

"What's going on here?" I ask but do I really want to know?

"New girl. New romantic bullshit", Pidge answers in the most bored voice I have ever heard.

"I wouldn't say completely new, but not the right one either", Hunk says and addresses the second said to Lance who looks like he might just paint the sun and rainbow in the sky himself.

Upon hearing Hunk's voice, he turns to him with an annoyed look.

"Stop bursting my joy. You always say that. But this time I have really found the right one. I can feel it, Hunk. She isn't like the other's."

"Lance..."

"No Hunk, this time you are wrong", Lance says sternly and Hunk slouches in his seat, quietly shuffling in the mashed potatoes in his mouth, not saying anything else. Pidge has completely lost interest in the conversation and is playing something on her phone, and Lance is absently stiring a spoon in his food, playing with it.

Immediately, there is a unpleasant atmosphere around us, and I squirm in my seat.

"Lance?" He looks up at me with a raised eyebrow.

I clear my throat and go all in for it, relying on my guesses to not be completely wrong. "Is it Allura?"

Something in Lance's eyes switch but it's too fast for me to fully see. Is it joy? Perhaps embarrassment? I don't know and don't think I will know today. 

He flashes me a bright smile. "Yeah. She went up to me yesterday in the café, right after we parted and she apologized for her behaviour towards me and asked for a second chance." Lance sighs happily. "She even asked for my number and texted me a Good Morning today. She's really amazing."

I feel an abhorrent feeling inside my chest and I certainly know it's not because of my damaged lung. Or, so I hope. Honestly I have no idea what this pain can be due to but it scares me a little. All I know is that it's very uncomfortable and makes me slightly irritated, my anger switching up a notch. I don't know what the hell is going on with me.

"How lovely for you", I snap but Lance doesn't seem affected by my tone this time. He's too distracted by his love life to give a shit about the rest of the world. It pisses me off even more, and Hunk casts a worried look towards me, his eyebrows wrenched up in a sad way that makes him look like a little toddler. Pidge is still playing on her phone, her food forgotten.

"It is indeed lovely", Lance confirms, not even looking at me. "She is lovely."

I don't even realize that I'm making a very low growling sound from deep inside my throat when it suddenly vibrates, and I don't know what the hell is happening to me. I shuffle in the mush in my mouth quickly to find an excuse to leave the table fast. I regret coming to school today. I'm not ready for all the interactions yet. I'm not ready for what may come today.

"Y'all ready for the science test?" Pidge asks us, not looking up and cleary not planning to engage in the previous conversation we had.

Lance sighs as he drops his love stare at the ceiling. "Wow Pidge, you just asked that because you want to brag with your science skills and whatever."

Pidge adjust her glasses as she looks up from her phone, giving Lance an unamused look. "No. I'm asking out of curiosity, asshat."

"Curiosity as in curious about whether we will fail or not", he insists.

Pidge rolls her eyes, clearly annoyed. "Yeah, that's kinda the point in why I'm asking. I want to know if you are ready or if you will fail."

"Braaggiiiinngg", Lance says and drags the word out annoyingly.

Pidge is back to playing on her phone again. Hunk is awfully quiet and as I cast a glance at him, I can see that he's carrying a lot of thoughts and is afraid of dropping them. I wonder what those thoughts are; it's clearly about Lance, but why? If Hunk would share those thoughts with me I would have a general idea as to what's going on right now.
But I know that won't happen. Hunk won't tell me anything, because that's just how it is with him. He won't drop any bad things on his friends if it doesn't come to that point where it is extremely necessary. I will walk around with no idea whatsoever.

The lunch runs by awfully slowly, no matter how fast I'm eating, but then, finally, I have taken the last bite of my sandwich and I'm standing up, earning three pair of eyes at me. They don't have to ask anything; their eyes asks it all.

"I'm... uh..." Suddenly shy because of my sudden movement, I hesitantly take up my tray and take on step away from the table. "Uh... I'm going to go and study... for the science test. Yeah. The science test."

Pidge ain't having it. "So you can't wait literally five minutes more for the lunch to end?"

"No", I immediately say and try to then smooth it over with something else. "Ehm... studies can't wait, y'know?"

I scurry away, not waiting for one more comment.

 ° ° °

I spend the rest of the lunch and the ten minutes of the break after just looking straight down at my study sheets. The only thing I wrote these painfully slow fifteen minutes was a simple Biology Revision as a title and I have doodle on that particular paper ever since. Everything from eyes and facial expression to knifes and swords. My mind has been too prompted with other nonsense to think anything beyond that, so I guess I will have to go to the test with the knowledge I gathered at home and the previous lessons. 

One look at my phone and I note that I will be - per usual - late for class. I fly up from my seat in the study room and make a small run for the lockers, even if I shouldn't, in fact, run. Not only because of the rules, but other more serious reasons. My heart makes a warning somersault, sending signals to my lungs. I need to tell it to calm down just for now.

As I approach my locker, I'm unlucky enough to see a pair making out violently against my locker, the boy pushing the girl against the hard surface with such a force that she must have broken her spine by now. It wouldn't surprise me if she came in a wheelchair the next day. 

I sigh, not only because of this but the fact that every student walking past must see this as normal behaviour and does nothing about it, not even sparing a single glance at them. It's just like wow, how wonderful. Two students aggressively eating each other's face against a locker. Lovely. 

I need to tap the shoulder of the boy three times - each time harder than the previous ones - before I have attracted attention to me. Before I can even say anything, the boy is ready to square up. He pushes the girl away like a forgotten homework and looks down at me, obviously more built than me and maybe one and a half head taller than me.

"Did you just touch me?" he snaps and I can sense the garlic in his breath and wonder why the hell this girl would make out with him. I grimace.

"Could you please carry on with what you're doing somewhere else? You're in front of my locker."

"And what? Can't your emo take it?" He steps closer to me and the garlic scent gets stronger. I can feel my insides turning. "Hate to break it to you, but just because you can't make out with someone doesn't mean that other's can't."

"I didn't tell you to not do it, I just told you to do it somewhere else", I say, my temperament slowly building up. All my nerves is starting to shake and I need to clutch my things harder so my hands won't drop them. "I'm going to get late to class."

"I don't give a shit about whether you come late or not, just don't touch me and lay your disgusting hands on me."

"Babe, I'm going to go to the girls, see you later", the girl behind him chirps and gives him a last peck on the cheek before bustling away. 

"Later, baby", the douche in front of me say, before looking straight into my soul again. 

"She just went, so you don't have to make out anymore. So let me just..."

"We can't make out because you interrupted us!" It happens so fast, but suddenly I'm stumbling backwards, nearly falling, and my things hits the floor with a loud thud. I gain my balance, and I can't hear anything else than the pulse screaming in my ears. My heart is pumping blood on hardcore, and my whole body is throbbing. Through the haze of my anger, I can see that he's slowly approaching me, his hands balled up into fists and he's saying something but I can't hear it and for me the corridor is clear from any other student even though I'm not entirely sure of that, but the only thing that matters is that my fist needs to meet is face. Hard.

He tries to shove me again but I beat him to it and aim a sock at his jaw. He stumbels backwards with a loud curse and hits my locker behind him with another more harsh curse. The impact of him colliding with my locker is the only thing I can hear clearly and it fills my ears with bliss. My legs automatically moves forward and before I know it, my knuckles have laid a punch on his nose and it follow by another one on his cheek, and his other cheek. Again and again and again until I can't keep up with the counting. 

Everywhere is red. My eyes a clouded with rage, but through it all I see his fist towards my face and the next second I feel a jab against my nose and I know I'm not making up the sound of my nose breaking. Immediately, I can feel the thick and warm substance run down to my lips and further down to my chin. He has managed to get a good grip on my hair and is now slamming my head against the lockers behind me, multiply times for that part, and everything is spinning. I grunt and desperately try to grip something but it's hard when your head is repeatedly being slammed against lockers.

After what feels like an eternity, my hand finds something to hold onto and I wrench his free hand in a painful direction. His scream is piercing through the whole corridor and I take his weak stance to advantage and push him down to the floor, sitting astride on him as I punch his face again and again and again. My knuckles are hurting but my anger is strong enough to distract me from that. His face is the only thing I see, and I'm aiming for that. It's like I can't stop. I can't get enough. My fury can't be saturated. 

But suddenly his face is getting further away from me, and I feel like I'm flying. Someone is pulling me back and it ignites my anger to a whole new point. I'm trying to kick myself free, but to no use. I don't know if the boy is unconscious or just don't want to move, because I still see red. Red spots everywhere. It's only now I realize I'm shaking, and my senses is sharpened, quaking and alive. 

Whoever is pulling me away is surely strong, and after one minute of meaningless kicking and punching in the air, I stop moving, except for the fierce shaking my body is going through. I start to pay attention to my lungs and they're working too fast, trying desperately to give me the oxygen I need. Suddenly the only thing I hear is my raspy breathing, wheezing and not in a rhythm. My whole chest is pounding and it hurts so much. I try to breathe calmly but it just doesn't work.

Somewhere beyond the madness going on with me, I can make out my name. The voice is saying my name over and over again, telling me to calm down. I really need to clam down, it's urging me. Please calm down, it pleads. Before bad things will result for me.

° ° °

The next thing I know, I'm in a hospital, numbly staring up at the ceiling I know too well. My notebook is laying on the table beside the bed and I don't know how the pen managed to not break. Just like me. I was lucky this time; my lungs didn't break just yet.

Shiro is here too, sitting in the chair on the other side of my bed with his face in his hands but his shoulders are still, so I don't know if he's crying or not. He hasn't said anything for an hour now.

I try to feel for my heartbeats but I can't feel them. I start to wonder if my heart did give up after all. Maybe it stopped working. Because I sure don't feel alive these days anyways.

° ° °

And they won't stop judging. They will never stop judging me. And that's why I won't stop judging too. Judging is just a part of your life, honestly. How toxic it may be, you can't stay away from it. I hate it so much. I hate the picture everyone has painted up of me. I hate that whoever I meet, they all paint the same picture of me, they all have the same presumption of me.

I'm that emo loner who's never heard of social interactions before, right?