DAY 18 02/04-18

Sometimes I observe myself through a bowl filled with water all the way up until some of it drops over the edge. I'm swimming there, all alone. 

Bared and drowning but never making an attempt to swim up.

° ° °

I'm awake but I'm dreaming. 

Yesterday is kind of a blur, or at least the second half of yesterday. Luna Lunera is still echoing inside my head, foreign words in a foreign language but still so incredibly beautiful. Through the chaos in my head, I remember Lance appearing in the room, probably wondering why I took so long and followed Nadias singing voice over to us. He saw me embracing myself and the tears on my face and his face broke into terror and despair, immediately stumbling up to me, kneeling down in front of me. It made me sad that he made Nadia stop singing, and as the song ended, my consciousness did too.

I woke up in the hospital, tubes going through my nostril down to my chest, another tube tucked into the hollow of my arm with a needle, connected to a bag filled with fluid streaming into my body, because apperantly I'm dehyderated. I've been restless all this day, anxious and overthinking, barely talking as Shiro returned with things I told him to pick up from home. He placed the letter on top of my things on the nightstand beside me, looking at me like he knew. Since I ended up here in the first place, he hasn't been angry with me at all. Not one single glare, or lecture, just heavy gazes. I didn't apologize for what I did. I didn't ask if Lance visited me while I was unconscious, because secretly I knew I did. He was probably sent home after a while, and knowing Lance he probably protested long enough to be dragged out.

"I'm going to the bathroom", Shiro had told me, glancing down at the letter in my hands, then looking at me like he wanted to console me, encourage me to read it. Alone. Like I was strong enough to do that. "I'll be right back."

And now I'm doing just that, overflood of water in my head, and I'm holding my breath.

Hello Keith.

My name is Krolia. I would have gave you this letter no matter your reaction upon seeing me. I know that this letter can't possibly fit all the things I have wanted to tell you for so long, and I don't even know if could tell you everything myself. But, the most important thing you must know:

Leaving you and your father was the most horrible decision I made. 

A necessary decision, yes, but there wasn't one day where I didn't regret it, and where I didn't think of you growing up without me. I thought of all the alternatives that could have been if I stayed, and most of them were bad. My job is dangerous, Keith, and the people after me is perilous. They would have hunted me, and they would have came for you and your father. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if something happened to you two. I brought trouble since the day I encountered your father, and I was always aware of that. But just know, having you was the best decision I made, Keith. Out of everything I've done in my life, that is something I will never ever regret.

You are the person I most love. Just know, there is a universe were we could spend together in. I hope that after all this absurdity, that universe would come. I hope you will let it do.

I throw the letter aside, pressing my palms against my eyes, folding over on the bed, the heart monitor beside me increasing until my nurse frantically runs into the room.

° ° °

As Shiro returns from the bathroom, he looks down at the letter that fell to the floor and he sits on the edge of my bed, placing his hand on my knee covered in the blanket even if I'm sweating buckets.

"You don't have to supress your feelings, Keith", he says in an alleviating voice, his eyebrows wrenching in slight worry.

"I'm not supressing", I say flatly, the volume in my voice vanished. "I'm ruminating."

Ruminating. Yes. In the bowl of water. Bared and drowning.

° ° °

Shiro excused himself out of the room again, this time to visit the cafeteria. I'm too much in my head to not even wonder why he's been there for so long. 

All the time in his absence, I've put Luna Lunera on repeat on my phone, annoyed that it's not near anywhere as fantastic as when Nadia sings it, but the song is alluring, reeling me into its trance. I've listened to it at least seventeen times now, white earphones tucked into my ears long enough for my skin to get irritated. When I come to the eighteenth time, I search up the translation on the lyrics, just because I'm too curious to know what she's singing about, and what Nadia sang about. What those words are that makes her like this song so much.

Just as Eydie Gormé starts to sing again, I follow the english lyrics with my eyes on my little cracked phone screen.

Whimsical Moon , scatter brained,

see and say to my sweet heart

for God who loves me;

say to him that I do not live of so much suffering,

say to him that he must return to me. 

Whimsical Moon, scatter brained,

see and say to my sweet heart

for God who loves me;

say to him that I die,

that he has compassion,

Tell him to have mercy on my heart

Oh small round moon,

that the foam of your light

bathe my nights!

Oh small round moon,

say to him that you have seen me

crying of love!

I read the lyrics ten thousands times more, playing the song until it's imprinted into my head. I read the words over and over again until it's tattooed into my skin.
I decide that this is my favorite song.

° ° °

As Shiro enters the room for the second time this day, I've nearly fallen asleep with the music still playing and my screen shining bright with the lyrics page. Behind him, doctor Jonson walks in, and I open my eyes, sitting up in the creaking and hard bed. Shiro is smiling widely.

"What's... What's happening?" I rub my eyes drowsily, my head heavy and desperately trying to hit the pillow again. But I sit up straighter when I see that doctor Jonson is disconnecting the heart monitor, taking the fluid filled bag off the hook on the set. He gestures for me to stand up, smile more discrete but still there. Slowly, cautiously, I throw my legs over the edge, putting on the white slippers the hospital granted me. They're flat, and thin, and it's almost as if I'm not wearing anything at all. Jonson helps me up, his askew, yellow teeth bared into a bigger smile. 

"What's going on?" I ask in a more stern voice, directing the question mostly to Shiro. He simpers at me.

"Just to stretch your legs a little. I figured you could follow me to the cafeteria." 

I squint at him, my suspicion growing. "Why so happy? You're smiling as if Shane Dawson uploaded a new conspiracy theory video, or something."

"Just stand up", he laughs, holding out a hand for me to take. I warily take it and get up on rickety legs, relying on Shiro's grip to keep me upright. 

When I've gained my full balance, doctor Jonson starts make his way over to me, fluid bag in his hands.

"Lift your shirt up a little", he orders, slightly shaking the bag as if to clarify things. Leisurely, I do as told, looking down as he tucks the bag into the hem of my white sweatpants with a hook plastered in the middle of the piece of plastic, so it's dangling from my left hip. I'm about to drop my t-shirt again but Jonson orders for me to not, and seconds later, he has hung a medium sized box filled with air to provide my lungs with, hanging it on the other side of my hip, sending waves of air through the tubes running from my nostrils and down into my lungs. Every intake of breaths is strange, and so very counterfeit. 

"Done", he says, and then he's exiting the room. I blink in confusion, but Shiro is already pulling me out of the room too, making me drop the hem of my shirt and the plastic bag to rustle in the sudden movement. My earphones dangles from the bed's edge, almost falling, but I'm already out in the boring white corridors, gawking at all the nurses that are passing me by with smiles, like they know something I don't. 

"Shiro, you're being very strange right now", I say, almost tripping over my own feet as he increases the speed. 

"I'm just hungry, you know?" he lies, dragging me to the elevators. Or, I'm assuming he's lying, considering how he's behaving. He pulls me into the elevator like he's walking on clouds, his steps graceful and lightweight. He presses the button and taps his foot with the imaginary music that must be going on in his head and I have never seen someone being this happy to go to a hospital cafeteria before. I cross my arms and lean back on one of the walls, trying to calculate a possible answer for his weird behaviour put it all just comes to a big question mark.

The doors hisses open and I flinch when Shiro suddenly whirls me around so my back is facing the cafeteria. He grips my hands and start to push me backwards, sawing his hips and lifting his shoulders up and then dropping them, dancing while taking us further into the cafeteria.

"What the hell, Shiro?" I try to turn around but he makes sure I can't. He smirks at me, and I furrow my eyebrows. Maybe he got a big dose of antibiotics without even me noticing it.

As fast a he turned me around the first time, he gyrates me again and the sudden spin makes me dizzy. It takes me some seconds to see clearly again and when I do, I gasp.

"SURPRISE!" comes like a chorus from several meter in front of me, from different faces and all of them are smiling at me. My mouth hangs open, and if I was still connected to the heart monitor, it would have exploded. I try to breathe in sharply to get a good amount of air and it feels like I'm breathing in all the air in the box in just one intake, but it's still not enough. I blink and I see bowls and plates filling up all the white tables that has been merged together to create one big table. I see Lance's family, dressed in what they had yesterday, bright colors bringing a kind of life to the boringness of this place. I see Pidge shyly waving at me, her brother seemingly as shy as she is, Hunk beside them, gripping the top hem of his yellow t-shirt hard as he's trying to fight back tears. Even some nurses and doctors is here to greet me.

And Lance. Running towards me, arms outstretched and his eyes twinkling. I get ready for the impact but still huff out when he collides into me, my face hitting his shoulder so violently I fear that the tubes in my nose have breaken. His hands snakes around my neck and holds me tightly, holding me to never make me leave. His face nuzzles into my neck and he breathes me in with just one intake and we've both wasted air but we're both so painfully alive and breathing. 

I'm taken aback, overwhelmed by all of this and I think I'm shaking. If he would let go I would shatter. He holds me together, as cheesy as it may sound. It's piece by piece he's building me up in.

I lift my arm through the white puffy clouds around us and I put them around his back and I hold him together too. He needs that too. Piece by piece he has been shattering, slowly and barely noticeably, but he has. 

"Keith, for God's sake, stop putting my heart into a terror-struck crisis", he mumbles into my neck and I shiver. I feel him smile and he playfully nibbles at my skin. I stomp on his foot with my heel and he laughs, finding this rather pleasant considering I just stepped really hard on his foot. 

I can't say anything, because what I don't want to admit is that these goddamn emotions I thought I knew just keeps showing up and they build up tears into my eyes. I silently cry into his shoulder, happy and sad tears at the same time. I wish this freaking air box could do a better job at providing me oxygen.

As Lance starts to pull away, I hold him in place, pressing my face harder into his shoulder. 

"No", I croak. "Not yet." 

He puts his face back against my neck and smiles, like saying okay. I won't go anywhere.

° ° °

It comes to a point where I need to let go and when I do, I quickly dry away the small drops of tears on my cheeks, frustrated that they even slinked out in the first place. His eyes trails down to the tubes in my nose and he looks pained but he still smiles at me and I want to capture all the stars on his face and make wishes upon them.

I peek over his shoulder and I'm greeted with everybody smiling at me, waving and encouraging me to get over to them. 

"Lance... You did this?" My voice is hoarse, and almost faded, but it still holds some kind of power to it.

"I told you I would make you love Easter..." He grips my face and it doesn't even bother me that we're in such a public place. He holds me like it doesn't bother him too. "I won't break my promise. Not again."

I swallow down a new amount of tears that is trying to rise in my throat and I nod because I don't know what else to do. He snickers and takes me by the hand, pulling me towards the big bundle by the tables. Immediately, I see Sylvio and Nadia running towards me, attacking my legs as they're hugging them tightly. I kneel down and let them embrace me, finding it awfully easy to hug these two considering that I barely know them and they were both very sceptical of meeting me just days ago. 

"Hey you two", I chuckle, awkwardly patting their backs. If you think that I gained confidence by this, you are very much wrong. I'm still as blundering as I've always been. 

When they pull back, Sylvio gasps upon seeing the tubes going trough my nose. 

"Wow! What are those?" He points at the plastic with a short, tan finger, eyes sparkling.

"They're helping me being healthy", I say.

"Awesome!" he thinks, gaping at me.

I look over at Nadia that is now shyly dragging the top of her shoe in circles over the floor, hands behind her back, looking down. When she feels my gaze, she looks up again, her eyes always diverting to my nose.

"I listened to Luna Lunera", I tell her, and she perks up, now looking straight at me. "I really like that song."

Her eyes sparkles as much as Sylvios does, and her face lights up with glee. "Did it make you happy?"

I beam at her. "Very."

She beams back at me.

"Keith, Keith!" Sylvio is tugging at my arm, making me stand up. He's trying to drag me to the tables. "We brought food for you, from yesterday. I even chose candy for the two of us. Look!"

I know Lance is looking at me but I can't meet his eyes, knowing it would bring flames to my face, and I'm already struggling to breathe, and I want to retain the little oxygen I have left inside me. I feel his precense awfully close to me as I start to move forward, and my eyes lands on Pidge. Sylvio scurries over to the tables, trying to reach for the sweets. 
Pidge is running toward me too, fast enough for me to not have time to reflect over what's happening. All I know is that it's going to be another hug. Gosh, it's too many hugs just one day.

She collides into me and her short arms grips my torso hard, pressing her cheek against my chest. She has short arms, yes, but don't let that trick you. They're strong as hell.
I smile down at her and softly pat her puffy hair.

"Sorry sorry sorryyy!" she cries out in a defeated voice, holding me tighter. "I'm so sorry..."

I put my free arm around the upper part of her back, while still stroking her hair.

"I'm sorry, too", I murmur, sorry for many things - not only regarding Pidge -, and this is just one of the many things. Maybe this is an apology for every mistake I did these past days.

"No no", she says as she pulls away, taking a small step back, looking up at me with a very serious face, shoving her glasses higher up on the bridge of her nose. "You shouldn't be sorry. I do. What I said was unnecessary. It was me who started this whole fiasco."

"You were defending your brother", I say, glancing up at Matt that is timidly staring back. Not back at me and Pidge, but at Shiro behind me. I look down again. "Ain't nothing wrong with that."

"Yeah..." she quietly says, looking to the side, but then she seems to realize something and she whips her head forward again, digging her gaze into mine until I can practically feel my eyes melting. "From now on, this never happened. Forget that little reunion shit that happened just now. Everything is as it has always been."

I snicker, and try to suppress it into my arm, but Pidge notices it regardless. I know how important it is for her to show how strong she is, which she in fact is, but when it comes to soft moments like this, she always attempts to pull a Black Men-forget this ever happened type of thing.

"I'm surprised you even came", I admit. "You hate parties, or... whatever this is."

"Can't be as bad as the menstrual party my parents threw when I had my first period", she sighs, looking like she's fighting away the memories internally. 

She detects my upcoming laughter and she warningly puts up her index finger, as to stop me.

"Don't", she snarls "Make. Any. Comment."

I try to erase any trace of laughter inside my throat but my smiles lingers. Pidge sighs again.

"Oh my God, Keith!" I hear from behind Pidge and I look up, immediately being drowned in soft and big arms. They squeeze any remains of oxygen left in my body. If I thought Lance made the breathing hard, it's nothing in comparison to the way Hunk does it. He hugs me like he would fly away if he let go. The hug doesn't last long though, and he backs away slightly, hastily drying away his tears. "Wow. I'm so incredibly proud of you Keith. You're so strong. I just want you to know that." He pulls me and Pidge into a harder hug, and both me and the shorter girl groans. "I'm proud of all of you. You know, me you, Matt, Lance and Shiro is like a little team, you know. It really warms my heart that we can gather together like this and be a happy little family."

"Hunk", Pidge warns, her voice low with irritation. "Please let me go, before I end up in one of the hospital rooms."

Hunk does as she says, but still has his big hands on our shoulders, sniffling and smiling widely. "So proud."

I look at Lance behind me, for no reason at all, and I smile.

° ° °

I mentioned how antisocial I actually am. School Keith and Generical Keith. And the one in between, that only shows up at certain moments when I least expect it. It think that side of me showed up now, awkward but still not, talking sometimes but keeping quiet most of the time. I sit in between Lance and Sylvio, listening to everyone talk, thanking those who wish me all the luck in my life, smiling more than necessary. This is like a continuation on the Easter that failed for me yesterday. Lance picked it up from there, and turned it into a better version. The thought of Easter isn't so bad after all. 

Time spins off into something forgotten, and I don't know how long we've been here for, or if I even want to know. Everyone makes this all seem like normal, like we aren't literally celebrating Easter in a hospital cafeteria, like I'm not going to go through a life depending operation in two days. Maybe the normality is what's keeping my sanity in place. I don't know how my day would have went if this didn't occur, but I know that that's something I don't want to find the answer to.

The dinner never really ends. It comes to a point where everyone stops eating, yes, but the atmosphere is the same nevertheless. I glance to the left and see Shiro and Matt several meters away from the table, standing almost hidden behind the corner like they planned to stay hidden from us but then rethought about that. They're both looking coy, never really looking into each other's eyes, but even from here I can see the small smiles on their faces. Not like a new found love for each other, but more like abatement of the difficulties, relived they found the solution for the complication they stood in for. 

Just like the complication me and Lance stood in for too, and the complication that's still present, but how there's solution for all of them, all of them so entirely different and brings so many possible outcomes. 

I try to calculate the possible outcome in my head for what is about to happen, and get frustrated when I fail. There is million outcomes for anything, but it's only one of them that is altering you in that particular moment. I have no idea what outcome I will receive in two days.

° ° °

A perfect world is never perfect, only filled with lies.