trigger warning
i'm sorry for this but i needed an outlet really badly

i don't know what to do anymore. i feel like i'm constantly on the edge of having an emotional or nervous breakdown and i always feel so stressed even if i don't have a whole lot to do and i feel like i have hardly anyone to talk to that understands and i wish feelings weren't so hard and annoying and i fucking hate my thoughts. i can't go one fucking day without my head making up some stupid scenario or conversation in my head that won't even happen but i just do to torture myself and make myself upset about my problems again.

i wish i could erase feelings for someone and just stop thinking about him. i wish i could get someone new just so i can forget about him and have them make me happy because i really need that and i hate being alone honestly. i just want someone to love me again.

and my family. i fucking HATE my family. especially my DAD. he's so homophobic and transphobic and political and has anger issues and is way too overprotective just because i'm his only child and it fucking sucks.  i can't be myself with hardly anyone and just always have to keep things from all my family members except my best friend cousin. i hate living having to hide things, it's stressful and just sucks. i hate how homophobic my whole fucking family is. so often i have to sit through conversations of them talking down on the community and it always makes me feel like shit and i wish i could speak up about it but i can't because my opinions differ from theirs.

and i hate that my dad doesn't seem to trust me and how angry he gets sometimes and how he treats me. i hate that he doesn't even seem to be proud of me because i'm too shy and i don't speak up and try new things a lot like one of my best friends who he seems to love so fucking much. i hate that i can't even go for a fucking bike ride without him getting in his stupid ass car and looking for me because i was gone for twenty fucking mintues which isn't even that long.

i hate that he doesn't like me hanging out with boys, even those who i have cleared with him that i don't have feelings for. i hate that he won't let me go on a trip with my grandparents because he doesn't trust my step grandpa that i've known for years now and because he thinks they're trying to manipulate us just because my mom's siblings do and he doesn't get along with them. i hate how he made me return a billie eilish cd when i got it because he thought her music was too demonic and depressing and would only make my depression worse. that shit helped me with my depression and because you fucking got rid of it it got worse. i hate how he always says i can talk to him but with pretty much everything it leads to arguments or him yelling at me for acting that way or talking back or whatever.

i just want to move out and get away. i'm sick and tired of living with him and it hurts me more than i like. i'm sick and tired of living in my thoughts too. i wish i could just go to the middle of nowhere and have my brain cleared of all these stupid thoughts and worries but no i can't.

i hate life so much and i wish i had a different family that i could actually talk to and would be accepting of who i truly am. my mom is the only good person in my family but even she won't be accepting of me being bigender so it sucks. i wish i was my irl best friends sister, then i could come out and not have to worry or hear all the shit i do. i wouldn't have to worry about being yelled at. and most importantly, i would have a sister to lean on for support.

i don't even have a sibling to help me. i'm alone and it fucking sucks. i have no one to go to in my own home that could make me feel better. i have to keep myself locked in my room and cry and then put on a fake smile whenever it's time for dinner or whatever because my parents can't know that i'm not okay and i can't just go and drive to get comfort from my best friend whenever i want because i don't have my license yet and my dad wouldn't even let me anyways.

i've stopped self harming quite a while ago but more and more it sounds more appealing because i hardly have any other outlets and i need something to take my anger out on but i don't. i have to bury my feelings so often and can only let them out when i'm alone and that always leads to me wanting to just dig into my skin and hurt myself because even though hurting myself upsets me it takes my mind off my problems. i know it's not good to self harm and i'm always conscious not to anymore but so often i just want to scratch myself until i bleed or just do something to get all of my anger out. especially whenever i have a breakdown because they often get too loud and i have to try and be quiet and my eyes always end up hurting from crying too much and it's just... i don't know.

i just hate life and wish i could just live with someone to keep me safe and loved so i won't have to worry about much anymore and could be myself but no, instead i'm trapped in my hellhole of a home with my dad.