Love.

Falling in love is equally beautiful and frightening all at the same time.

It's hard enough to admit it the first time around. But it's even harder to remember the moment you fell. That rush of emotions hits you like a tidal wave the second a memory comes to mind.

Knowing I still loved him was one thing.

Remembering the exact moment I fell in love with him was another.

"I didn't know what it meant at the time. I mean, we had only been back together for a few weeks, so I brushed the feelings aside as happiness over being together again," I explained, drifting my attention back to the window. "Not too long after that night, you took me up to your family's vacation home, and we spent the day in your favourite spot while I drew. And at night, before we got into bed, you said-"

"I'm falling in love with you."

I glanced to the side. "When you said that, I got the same feeling I did during the art show. And that's when I realized I was in love with you. And, if I'm being honest with myself, I don't think I'm ever going to have that same feeling with someone again."

"Sure you will."

"Not like this." I nodded back towards the house. "Not like them." My fingers dug into the palm of my hands. "As I'm happy for them, this also really fucking sucks," I admitted. "Tomorrow is Lily's birthday party which means after this-"

Hunter was hard to read, but now I could see that sadness in his eyes as he said, "I know. But we knew this day was coming. It was inevitable, Dylan." He sighed, shoving his hands into the pockets of his trousers. "Rarely anyone gets to experience what they have. You deserve to find someone, Dylan, and I would hate for you not to allow yourself that chance."

"I'm not saying I'll never fall in love again. I just won't fall in love like this again."

"You're right."

His response took me by surprise. But before I had the chance to tell him off for his arrogant thinking, he added,

"You won't fall in love like this again. You will fall in love the right way. With someone who will treat you the way you deserve without all the bullshit and drama attached," he said. "I've been thinking about that saying, if you love someone, let them go. I didn't love you the right way."

"Yes, you-"

"No, I didn't," he interjected, shaking his head. "I loved you selfishly. Now it's my chance to make things right."

"How are you going to do that?"

"By loving you selflessly. By letting you go."

"What if we never tell them the truth?"

"We can't do that. I put you through enough bullshit. I'm not going to keep it going."

I sunk my teeth into my trembling bottom lip, gnawing at the sensitive skin before painfully admitting, "I'm not ready to let you go."

From my view, I spotted Delilah and Ethan begin to slow dance. He held her close, wrapping his arms around her as she leaned against his chest. I was happy my sister had that kind of love and protection; it was beautiful to watch, even from afar.

Without a word, Hunter left my side and walked to the other side of the room. The urge to ask where he was going was on the tip of my tongue, but I only became more confused when music began to play in the background.

He stepped away from the speaker, headed back to where I stood and extended his hand. "How about, just for one song, we pretend that none of that is happening."

I had no idea how pretending for a single song would make anything better, but I thought dismissing his suggestion would be too cruel. Hunter was only trying to help. There was no risk in playing along.

Placing my hand in his, I followed his lead to the center of the room. Hunter positioned my hands on his shoulders and put his on my hips. The song playing faded in the background as my sole focus was on him. And ensuring I didn't step on his feet.

Shit. That would be embarrassing.

With that thought in my head, I knew I had jinxed myself. My eyes left him to look down at my feet, wanting to guarantee I didn't ruin the moment by stomping down and breaking his toe. Oh, god. What if that happened? How would I explain breaking his foot to my sister? I looked sad watching you dance with your new fiance through the window, so Hunter randomly suggested we should dance, and I broke his foot?

"Dylan?"

"Hmm?" I hummed in response.

"You're doing fine."

My head snapped up. "What?"

"Relax. You're not going to step on my feet."

I hated that he knew me so well. Or, maybe the intense focus written across my expression effortlessly gave me away. Either way, I didn't want him to know I cared too much about stepping on his precious feet. "I know I'm not," I quickly retorted. "I'm making sure you don't step on mine!"

"I won't," he said. "You taught me well."

I wasn't sure what it was about his reply that helped me relax. Maybe it was just the way he spoke or his demeanour in general. But the moment I allowed myself the chance to relax, I began to enjoy it. It was peaceful and calming. I didn't know if that was his intention, but I appreciated it anyway.

Leaning my head against his chest, I felt his hands sprawl across my back, keeping my body close to his. The song ended and faded into another, but neither of us pulled away. 

"You should go to Europe."

"What?"

"I was biting my tongue when you brought it up..." Hunter paused and leaned back, allowing his eyes to meet mine. "Dylan, it's an amazing opportunity."

"I know, but-"

A cheeky smile appeared across his lips as he interrupted, "No buts!"

"It's not a simple decision. I can't just say yes without thinking it through."

"You also can't write it off without thinking it through."

My mouth fell agape. "I'm not writing it off!"

"Are you sure about that?"

No. "Yes."

"I think it would be a shame to pass it up," he said, brushing a strand of my hair behind my ear. "Even if you went for a few months or completely fell in love with it and stayed for a few years... There would still be time to do everything else you're thinking of. You know, like teach, if you want to."

I sighed, resting my head back against his chest. "Every time I think I'm on the right track, I just get more confused with what to do."

"Maybe going away for a few months is the best choice then. You can figure it all out while in a beautiful city." Hunter allowed a beat of silence before he added, "Take it from me. Disappearing can do wonders for your mind."

The silence resumed for one song, which drifted into two. And then another. And another. And - shockingly - another, until hours had passed. Time really did fly when you weren't paying attention to it. I wish neither of us took notice of the clock because then we wouldn't have realized it was almost midnight.

I didn't want to let him go and stop dancing. I wanted to keep pretending.

Hunter took my hand as we walked up the stairs and led the way down the hall towards our respective bedrooms. We took our time, walking as slowly as we could. But it still seemed far too fast.

Standing in front of my door, I looked down at our hands.

"Why does it feel like we're already saying goodbye?"

His mouth twitched upward, yet the sadness in his eyes told another story. "Because I think we are."

"I'm not ready to say goodbye."

"I don't think anyone ever is. That's what makes it so hard." Hunter stepped forward and raised his free hand to my face, cupping my cheek. "It's going to be okay, Dylan."

I was sure he could see it, that the tears were pooling, begging to escape. Desperately trying to force them away, I feared I was one word away from breaking down right before him.

We never had a goodbye before. The first time we broke up was a yelling match in my apartment. And, of course, the second time was when he disappeared in the middle of the night without a trace. Somehow, this was worse than the pain I felt that morning. My chest was beginning to tighten, making it harder to slow my rapid breaths. Shit.

I never imagined myself thinking this, but why couldn't he just do the decent thing and disappear? Why did we have to go through this torturous goodbye?

"Do you want to count?"

I shook my head.

I want us not to say goodbye, I wanted to say.

I want us to keep pretending.

I want you to kiss me one final time.

I want you to ask me to run away with you.

"No," I finally said through a shaky breath, "I'm fine."

His forehead pressed gently against mine. "This is for the best, Dylan," he said. "It's going to hurt for a bit... but it's for the best."

"Knowing it will hurt doesn't make it much easier." My head tilted, brushing my nose against his ever so slightly as I looked into his eyes. "I'm going to miss you."

His eyes left mine, his attention moving towards my lips.

Kiss me.

"I'll miss you more than you will ever know."

Please.

"Dylan..."

Do it!

He was so close, lips touching mine ever so slightly as he said my name.

Kiss me!

"You should get some rest." Hunter's touch disappeared as he took a step back. The small distance between us never felt so substantial. "We are going to have a busy day tomorrow with Queen Lily's birthday party."

"Right." I reached for my door, not wanting him to see my sudden disappointment. "Night."

Quickly disappearing behind the closed door, I rested against the wood and released a trembling breath.

I felt stupid. One nice moment with him, and suddenly I had pathetic thoughts of wanting him to kiss me. This was the exact same thing that happened when we walked back from his favourite spot. I knew how pathetic I felt then when he pulled away and said we needed to keep our distance. And yet, I just couldn't learn.

There was an urge deep inside me to scream out my frustrations. But unfortunately, I knew that would only alert my roommate across the hall.

Why couldn't my feelings turn off? Where was my internal switch?

It was so easy for me not to cry and push my feelings to the side. So why couldn't I do it now?

Why did I keep wanting something to happen desperately?

I knew nothing was going to change what our inevitable end would be. Hunter would tell the truth. A fight would happen. He would disappear.

Anything happening between us between now and then would only make things worse.

This was for the best.

Right?

Yes - of course, it was.

This. Was. For. The Best.

It was the right, most obvious and logical result.

Although, since when did one need to be convinced of something so right, obvious and logical? Shouldn't I just know? I certainly wouldn't be having this internal battle over it. Right?

Oh, god.

Maybe I did need to count.

Okay.

New plan.

Get it together, Dylan.

Count. Calm yourself down. Get your head right again. And then go to sleep.

Walking towards the bed, I sat down and closed my eyes.

"One... two... three..." I whispered to myself, doing my best to control my unsteadying breathing. "...ten... eleven... twelve..." The end was near. "...sixteen... seventeen... eighteen."

My eyes slowly opened.

There.

Everything felt better.

Now all I had to do, was just go to bed and-

The sound of a door creaking open pulled my attention, and I snapped my head towards the sound. He was just getting ready for bed, doing the responsible thing I knew I should have been following. A peek into the hallway was all I needed to put my thoughts to rest. 

Instantly, I was up from my spot on the bed and across the room. My hand reached for the doorknob.

No, Dylan, the voice inside my head scolded. Could you give it up already?

For a rare moment in my life, I listened to that voice and stepped away from the door. I couldn't cling to this confusing hope I had. What was I expecting? Hunter to be standing on the other side? No. He was heading to the bathroom. That was all it could be.

And with that ingrained in my head, I turned towards the dresser to get ready for bed.

But wouldn't it be nice to pretend for a bit longer? Keep up the dance?

I looked back towards the door, tapping my fingers against the wood. I would never be able to sleep without knowing. Just one peek to seal the deal.

Pretend for a bit longer, Dylan.

Ignoring the voice yelling at me to stop, I walked straight for the door and opened it without hesitation.

To my surprise, someone stood on the other side who appeared almost as relieved as I was.

"Hi, Angel." 

oop! i wonder what hunter came by for?