Lillian groaned as her phone went off and pulled her pink blanket over her head. Not even knowing what time it was, she didn’t want to be woken up. She felt a sudden headache and what was worse; she couldn’t remember how she left the party.

A phone ringtone went off that she didn't recongize and Lillian felt the spot next to her move so her eyebrows moved forward together. That isn’t Jeanette’s ring tone. She heard a male voice groan and her eyes popped opened. She didn’t want to believe it. Her heart started racing and she started shaking as she turned her head to the right.

Horror passed her face when she saw none other than her best friend boyfriend butt naked next to her. She brought the covered up to her mouth, “Oh my god,” she said and Ryan’s eyes snapped open.

They stared at each other wide-eyed. “Oh shit,” he said right when her phone went off again.

Lillian rolled over at the end and saw her phone on the floor. She covered her top half as she reached down and grabbed it. Jeanette.

“Oh God! It’s her. Oh God!” she said in a panic and threw her phone across the bed, her whole body shaking. A sudden pain increased in between her legs and she felt sore.

She didn’t dare look at Ryan when he got up from the bed and she heard him quickly getting dressed. Her eyes watered up, realizing she was naked also. She lost her virginity. She brought the blankets up closer to her and a cry escaped past her mouth when tears escaped.

She wasn’t a virgin anymore.

She lost it to her best friend’s boyfriend at a party she was drunk at.

She felt like a cheap slut.

She cried harder now into the blanket.

“Lil—Lillian…” she heard Ryan and she pulled the blanket down from her face. “I’m sorry,” he said, also in a panic, before quickly leaving the room.

Tears rolled down her face as she tried to remember last night but she wasn't thinking hard enough at the moment since she was freaking out. She wiped across her face to clear it after a few more minutes of crying. How did this happen? she questioned herself. Why’d it happen?

The more she tried to think about it, the more her head hurt. She decided to just think about it later when she didn’t feel like throwing up. She rolled the blankets off her and swung her legs over the edge.

She grimanced and lightly hissed when the soreness in the middle of her legs hit again and she felt like someone threw a brick at her down there. Just to make sure, she reached down and felt her hymen was broken.

Definitely not a virgin anymore. Every now and then a tear would escape her eyes as she got dress. She couldn’t seem to find her underwear though. She ignored it, thinking if someone did find them they’d think it’s someone else’s other than hers.

She looked around for her cell phone. As she ducked under the bed and felt around, she noticed something on the side Ryan had been on. She picked up the wrapper and saw it was an empty condom wrapper. She couldn’t help but sigh in relief, now getting past the question if he used a condom or not but now she doesn’t have to wonder anymore.

She quickly left Marni’s house where she saw a few other people lying on the couches or the floor. She knew she had to walk home because going to Jean’s house was out of the question and calling her parents from a party she went to is also out of the question. The walk was only about twenty minutes; the morning air would do her good.

Scratch that, the cold air only gave her more of a headache and now she was freezing cold. But she made it home and noticed her parents car wasn’t there. Work. She went inside and quickly started up a warm shower.

As the water heated up, she went into her room and took out her cell phone. Nine missed calls from Jeanette and three texts asking where she was and that she was worried. Knowing she should call her to let her know she was alright, she didn’t know if she’d be able to stand there and lie to her. She just slept with her boyfriend after all!

A horrible feeling appeared in her stomach at the thought and she stopped the tears from falling out.

No, I can’t cry about this. It had to happen sooner or later, she thought. But why’d it have to be with him!

She took a deep breath and decided to send her a text, Yeah, I’m cool. Just passed out in one of the bedrooms. You looked like you were having fun and I didn’t want to bother you about it. :).

Her stomach continued to turn at the lie as she set the phone down on her bed and grabbed her towel to get a shower, but then her phone suddenly went off. Jeanette was calling her.

She walked over to her bed slowly and picked up her phone, looking at the screen. Taking a deep breath, knowing she’d just have to know she pressed the green button.

“Hello,” she said.

“Lil, finally! Do you know how worried I was about you! I thought someone kidnapped you or something since some of the people there were college kids! I thought you left the party to go home and someone picked you up! God, don’t scare me like that!” Jeanette yelled.

Lillian sat down on her bed, sighing in relief that she wasn’t getting suspicious about why she and Ryan both weren’t answering they’re phones. “Yeah, sorry about that. I was just so tired and decided to crash in one of the rooms.”

“Where are you? I’ll have Ryan pick you up since he just told me he was at a friends’ house and was about to leave—”, she said.

“No!” she said a little too quickly.

“Huh?”

“Uh, I mean, that’s okay. I’m already home, I walked.” she said.

“Oh, well, okay.” she said. “But I’m coming over in an hour and half. No buts.”

“No, wait, I’m still pretty tire—”, she didn’t get to finish when the call ended and she sighed heavily, dropping the phone on the bed. She didn’t know if she’d be able to look at Jeanette now without putting on her guilty face and be able to stand next to her and lie.

She dropped her head back and groaned, stomping both her feet angrily, "Why'd did this happen!?” she yelled.

She turned around and went back in the bathroom to get some Tylenol.

As she sat down on the shower floor with her knees up to her chest, as she let the warm water run all over her, she thought about last night and how it could have happened.

Okay, it was after she finished her third beer, that part came vividly. She remembered being tired and wanting to go rest for a moment. Some images of Marni’s parents came in her mind and smelling her mom’s perfumes. That’s when Ryan walked in.

Her eyes opened, not sure if she wanted to go farther. Needing to know out of curiosity, she closed her eyes. Being scared wasn’t as bad as knowing. She thought he was crying but that was strange, Ryan didn’t cry. He was probably one of the most sarcastic guys. Guys like Ryan don’t cry, he’s not emotional.

But the more she thought about it, she remembered his face being wet. He was crying but she didn’t want to believe it. They talked for a few moments about Jeanette but she didn’t remember about what.

Then suddenly, he kissed her. Smack down on the lips. She remembered the rest now like a video was playing in her mind. She pulled away for a moment before she kissed him again! One thing lead to another and he then he was on top of her—naked. She remembered each time they kissed with passion, it made her cringe.

It all started because he was crying! About Jeanette! What the hell was up with that!?

She’s such an idiot.

She got up from the floor and quickly started scrubbing her body until her skin turned raw. She needed the feeling of Ryan off her and the smell of sex. She couldn’t take it anymore, she needed it all go away but her virginity, she wanted it back. Of all of the guys, she gave it to Ryan Miller. Someone that she didn’t even consider a friend!

She thought back to the condom wrapper found. He had to have used it. She’d at least be happy she didn’t have to worry about getting pregnant or catching a disease.

After washing her body well and her hair, she stepped out and wrapped a towel around her and wrapped her hair up in a towel. She went back into her room and got dressed in some flannel pants and a baggy t-shirt. She took her hair out of the wrapped towel and brushed her hair up into a bun.

She slipped on her glasses and went back into the bathroom and brushed her teeth.

She went downstairs and got a bowl of cereal. She felt depressed and hollow inside for some reason. This is what she feared about parties. Getting drunk, having a one night stand, and the guy not even caring about her. Someone that took her virginity.

She was lying down on the couch watching The Golden Girls when her doorbell rang. Lillian forced her butt up from the couch and walked over to the door. She opened it and arms went quickly around her.

“There you are! Alive and well.” Jeanette said.

“Yeah,” Lillian said.

Jeanette gave her a confused look, “You sound depressed. Did something happen last night?” she asked.

Realizing that she did sound depressed, Lillian came up with a quick lie, “Uh, of course not. Just tired.”

“Well pop open a can of soda because I plan to hang out today.” she said, sliding her purse down from her shoulder and went over to the couch. “So where’s that brat of a little sister of yours.” she said, mentioning Lillian’s twelve year old sister, Cassandra.

“At a friend’s house till tomorrow.”

“Cool, I can stay over. We need to hang out; it feels like it’s been forever.”

~

“Honey, are you alright?” Lillian’s mother asked her as she drove Lillian to school. Lillian was actually a nervous wreck. She wasn’t sure how she’d be able to face Ryan. Maybe they’d just avoid each other forever now.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” she mumbled as she looked out her window. School was getting closer and her gut was turning more and more. Maybe no one saw them both go in the same room. Most were probably too drunk to even realize and take a moment to look. She’d be fine.

Lillian’s mom drove in the parking lot and went up to the curb of the school. Lillian picked up her book bag and opened the door but before she got out, her mom put a hand on her shoulder, “Are you sure you’re okay, dear? You look kind of pale.”

“Yeah, I’m fine, I promise. Just, uh, nervous about this test in history class.”, she lied, feeling worse now that she was lying to her own mother.

Her mom gave her a small one-sided smile, “You’ll do great, honey. You always do.”

Lillian just nodded and got out. She waved to her mom behind the window before walking over to the building and went in. Lillian pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose and sighed heavily.

She crossed her arms over her chest as she made it to her locker and she put in the combo. When she opened the locker door, she was surprised when a folded letter fell out. She pushed her hair behind her ears and bent down, picked it up.

Lil, at lunch meet me outside of the gymnasium. -Ryan.

She stared at the letter in confusion. Why does he want to? Why can’t he just leave her alone like how she planned on doing? She expected him to actually think of doing that the second he left her alone in Marni’s parent’s bedroom two days ago.

She crinkled the letter in a ball and threw it down on the bottom of her locker. She wasn’t going. She was going to ignore him. Because what they had was a one night stand. The three words made her cringe and feel even lower about herself.

But she had to face the fact that, that was what it was.

~

Lillian was twirling her plastic spoon around her yogurt, trying to think about things. She couldn’t stop thinking back to Friday night. It was a horror show each time she flashed back to when she and Ryan were doing it.

Why’d it have to happen? Why did my hormones decide to finally betray me? She thought. She didn’t even like Ryan that much!

She sighed and she looked up at the clock in the caf, she’d been here five minutes. She was starting to think about going to go meet Ryan so she could talk to him and agree to forget it.

And, she was curious as to what he had to say.

Knowing this was a mistake; she forced her butt up from the chair and threw her yogurt away as she walked out of the caf. Jeanette never noticing she left. She walked into the gym and went across the gymnasium since the other door led to outside.

When she got to the door, she hesitated as she put her hands on the rail and opened the door. Her stomach felt heavy with nervousness. She wasn’t sure if she’d be able to look at Ryan.

Taking a long deep breath and letting it out slowly, she forced herself to open the door and walked out into the November cold air. Luckily she had her jacket on.

She looked to her right and saw Ryan leaning on the wall but he stood up when he saw her. She crossed her arms over her chest and looked at the ground when he walked up to her.

“Okay, I know I’m probably the last person you want to see but we have to talk about Friday.”, he said, his voice getting closer to her, meaning he was coming up to her.

“You’re right, Ryan.” she said, finally looking up at him but not being able to make eye contact. “You are the last person, so why did you want me to meet you here?”

“I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I mean, what happen Friday night it must be hard.” he said and she looked away when her eyes watered up.

“I’m fine,” she said, but her voice was cracking at the lie.

“Look, I’m sorry but stuff like this happens. It happened, we can’t change that but can you please not tell Jean.” he said, his voice begging.

She scuffed and looked up at him, “Oh of course I’m just going to tell my best friend since fourth grade that I hooked up with her boyfriend.” she sarcastically said. “Do you think I’m dumb, Ryan? I can’t even look at her now because I can’t help but think back to that night. Why’d it even have to happen? Why’d you have to kiss me?”

“I was drunk and vulnerable, I wasn’t thinking!” he said. “Also, you kissed me again when you could have just walked away.”

“So you’re blaming me for what happened?” she questioned, pointing at her chest.

“Yes!” he said and she stared at him, eyes wide with disbelief. She couldn’t believe he just said that, that it’s her entire fault. He could have stopped, too! He’s the one that took her virginity! “No,” he suddenly said. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and pinched the bridge of his nose. A moment later, he opened them, “Look, I didn’t mean that. It wasn’t your fault, it’s both our faults. A heat-of-the-moment for the both of us. We both did something wrong and now, we just have to move on.”

Lillian knew she couldn’t get her virginity back, but she knew he was right about moving on. She nodded, “Agreed, it never happened. That night never happened for me.”

“If you want to believe that, that’s okay with me.” he said. “Everything will go back to normal." She just nodded. They turned to go their separate ways, but he spoke again, "Oh, almost forgot.”

Lillian turned around and she watched him pull out her black underwear. Her eyes widened and she snatched them from him, totally embarrassed. "H-how'd you get those?"

"They were stuffed in my pocket. I think I put them in there when I took them off you." he said.

Her cheeks and neck heated up in embarrassment, so she just turned around and left. She can't believe Ryan had her underwear this whole time.