I keep trying to push all of my feelings down and ignore them because they're telling me that Bryce and I aren't going to work out. I can't get Colton out of my head.  And I can't forget that kissing Bryce wasn't the same.

"Thanks for helping me get ready," I tell Tasha. Bryce is taking me on a date tonight. I don't know how I even feel about it.

"Of course, boo," she says as she curls a piece of my hair. "What's bothering you?"

I bite my lip. "Bryce kissed me."

"And?"

I sigh. "Even though I was drunk, all I could think about was Colton and how I wanted him to kiss me. And how kissing Bryce didn't feel the same."

Tasha stops curling my hair to look at me. "Does it bother you that he kissed you when you were drunk?" she asks.

I frown. I hadn't even thought about it like that. "Oh, fuck," I tell Tasha. "I mean, a little bit, But we've been together for such a long time...I don't know."

"Okay," Tasha says. She goes back to curling my hair. I see her smile in the mirror. "So, how exactly did loverboy kiss you?"

I feel a smile creep over my face, even though I don't want it to. "He kissed me like...I was his everything. He cupped my face in his hands and kissed me slowly. And it wasn't like he was trying to fuck me."

"How did Bryce kiss you?"

I sigh. "Like he was trying to fuck me."

Tasha raises her eyebrows. "Did you?"

"No!"

"Did you with Colton?" she asks.

"No," I say. "I mean, not really."

"Why do you think he left?" Tasha asks.

I sigh. "I have no idea. He kept saying that I didn't deserve him," I tell Tasha.

She looks at me. "Andy, it sounds like you guys love each other and he was trying to protect you," Tasha says, and I feel a twinge in my stomach. "What the fuck are you even doing with Bryce?"

What the fuck am I doing with Bryce? I wish I knew.

"If Colton's always going to leave, I want to really give Bryce a chance. If it works out, I'm engaged. If it doesn't, I'll be able to chase after Colton fully."

**************************
"I guess I'm not surprised it went to voicemail again. I don't even know why I'm still calling you when you won't pick up. Bryce kissed me and it didn't feel right. All I wanted was for you to kiss me the way you do. I miss you. Please come back."

I sigh as I end the voicemail. I walk out of the bathroom stall and wash my hands. The bathroom is dimly lit. Bryce took me to a fancy restaurant and it's kind of awkward. I just can't seem to get into him.

I walk out of the bathroom and over to where we're sitting.  I'm about to sit down when I see a small box. My face pales as I sit down slowly.

"That's why," I say quietly. I look at Bryce. "You're not serious, are you?"

He frowns. "Of course I'm serious."

I lean over the table to keep my voice hushed. "You brought me here so you could fucking propose again?" I ask Bryce.

"No, not to propose," Bryce says. "I already did that. I brought you here to see if your answer changed."

"Are you fucking slow?" I look around. "You're such a dick. I thought you wanted to go on a date, but I guess you have other plans."

"You owe me an answer, Andy," Bryce tells me.

I'm sure my eyes are burning as I stand up and look at Bryce. "I don't owe you shit. Not a single fucking thing," I say. "You want an answer? Fuck you."

Bryce stands up too. "Can we at least finish talking?"

"Fuck off."

"Andy," he says. I sigh and sit down. "I hope you know that I'm not stupid. I know I've been gone, and I know that you said you needed time to think about it."

I push the box towards Bryce. "Marriage doesn't fix the problems that were there before."

"You're saying that we have problems?"

I sigh. "Yes, Bryce. Fucking yes, we have problems. I'm sorry that you can't see that," I tell him. I see his face fall slightly and guilt replaces the anger and makes me feel sick. "Look, I'm not breaking up with you. I just want to spend more time together and see where we're at."

"Okay," he says. He sighs. "What do you want me to do?"

I look at him. "I don't know. I just want to spend time with you without getting into a fight."

Bryce looks at me. "Can I just ask you one thing?" he says.

"Of course."

Bryce sighs and runs his hand over his face. "Is there someone else?" he asks. "Just tell me if there's someone else."

I'm sure my face pales even more. How the fuck did he know? And am I supposed to tell him? And Colton's gone, so does it still count?
I feel sicker in my stomach as I look into Bryce's eyes. I feel like a horrible person. All Bryce wants to do is make me happy and spend the rest of his life me. And I just want to pick fights and dream about Colton.

I glance at my phone. Colton's gone. There's no sense in being hung up on him. "There's no one else," I tell Bryce. At least not anymore.

Bryce looks at me. "Are you sure?" he asks. "You and Colton—"

"Bryce, I said no," I say quickly. I look at him. "Please just trust me."

He sighs. "Of course I trust you."

We don't say anything for a few minutes. It's such an awkward, tense silence. Fuck, I just wish it could be easy.

The waiter comes back and Bryce pays. I sigh because I'm sure it was expensive. And it was a really sweet thing to do.

I try to change my attitude as we walk out. I don't need to be bitchy when Bryce is just trying to be sweet. I smile when I see some kids having a snowball fight.

"At least they like the snow," I tell Bryce with a smile.

He smiles back. "Yeah."

"I would throw a snowball at you, but we might be a little too old," I joke. Bryce stops walking and grins at me.

"I'm not too old," he says. Before I can even move, he's making a snowball.

"What the fuck?" I yell, giggling as I duck behind a tree. A snowball whizzes past my head. I poke my head out from the tree and I see Bryce making another snow ball. I pick up some snow in my hands and it's fucking cold. Another snowball hits the tree and more giggles escape from my mouth.

I throw my snowball and it goes right past his head. His grin grows. "Your aim sucks!" Bryce yells.

I step out from the tree. "Shut up, you—" I start to yell, but stop when a snowball hits my leg. I stand there with my mouth hanging open.

"Oh, shit," Bryce says, laughing.

I look at him and then I grab a huge chunk of snow and start running towards him, or as close to running as I can get with heels on. "You're mine, bitch," I tell Bryce. He laughs and starts running lazily away from me. "Get back here!"

I end up throwing the snow chunk as hard as I can and it slams into Bryce's back. "Oh, shit," he says he turns around. "You actually got me."

"You're fucking right I did," I tell Bryce as I grin. I start walking towards him and Bryce surprises me when he grabs my waist and pulls me to his chest. He smiles before kissing me. It takes me a second to respond, but I kiss him back, taking his bottom lip between mine. I'm about to open my mouth to kiss him deeper, but then I feel cold snow shoved onto my neck.

"Got you," Bryce says against my lips. I pull away and shake my head, but I can't keep a smile off my face.

"I'm gonna get you back," I tell him as we start walking again. Bryce keeps his arm around my shoulders. And for whatever reason, I feel like we might actually be okay.
***********************
Bryce is in the shower when I grab the letter. I don't know why I'm grabbing it. Bryce and I had a fun night. But I can stop myself from reading all of the words that Colton wrote.

I feel like I'm trying to make sure that everything that we did was real because Colton's like a ghost. He vanished out of nowhere but I can't stop thinking about him, and it's almost like he's haunting me. Every day that goes by makes Colton seem a little bit more distant. And he won't answer my calls.

It's just like every single trace of him has disappeared.

I sigh as I put the letter back into whatever pocket it was in. I need to wake up. I know Colton's gone. I need to fucking let go of him. He's gone, but I'm trying so desperately to hold onto him.

I finally feel okay with Bryce and it's taken so long to get here. I really can't afford to fuck it up for someone who is gone.

I sigh as I lean back on the desk. I need to pull my shit together. Bryce walks into the bedroom and he has a slight smile on his face.

"You look good," Bryce says.

I blush. "Thanks."

"What are you thinking about?" he asks.

I smile. "That we had a nice night," I tell Bryce. "Thank you for taking me out."

"Of course," he says. "I had a nice time too."
We're left in silence for a minute and I'm trying to think of anything to say. I hate the awkward silence.

I look at Bryce and search his amber eyes. "What?" Bryce asks.

"Are we gonna be okay?" I ask him, and I almost regret it as soon as it comes out of my mouth.

Bryce sighs as he pulls me into a hug. I stare over his shoulder. "I really hope so."
Bryce and I crawl into bed and I keep my head on his chest while he touches my shoulder lightly.

I think we're going to be okay. At least I hope we are. It feels nice to be with Bryce. It feels normal and stable.

But it doesn't feel like a whirlwind when he kisses me. I really don't want to think about all the things that don't feel the same because there's too many and they all lead me back to thinking about Colton.

I know it must be so fucked up to being laying on Bryce's chest, thinking about Colton, but I can't help it. I guess I'm hoping that at some point, Colton leaves my mind so I can forget about him.

Fuck, I just wish he would come back. Or even pick up his stupid phone and call me back. I've called Dad a few times and even Alex once asking if they've heard from Colton, but they haven't. I have no idea if he's even in New York, or if he's in Washington or somewhere in between.

I know I have to stop calling him. I sound so fucking pathetic because it hasn't even been a week since he left. And if Bryce ever found out...it would be game over. I lose both of them.

The worst part is that a small voice whispers that I wouldn't care if I lose Bryce. It wouldn't be devastating.

This weird feeling passes over me when I remember that Bryce proposed. He wants to be with me for the rest of his life. He wants to fucking marry me and I don't even know if I want to be with him.

I have so many fucking dobuts about Bryce and our relationship, but no hesitation when it comes to Colton. But I keep telling myself that Colton is not coming back for me, and that as much as I care about him, we're never going to be together.

I run my hand along Bryce's chest. We have to be okay. And we really are good together. We have been since high school.

"It feels good to be with you," Bryce tells me.

"Yeah."

"Goodnight," Bryce tells me.

"Night."

I wish it stop feeling like such a lie when I tell myself that we're going to be okay.