"Heyyyyyy," Cooper says. I'm FaceTiming him and Malik. Colton's still sleeping.

I grin. "Hey."

"How's your boy?" Malik asks.

"He's...I don't know. He's okay right now. He had a rough night last night, but he's better now," I tell them. "It's nice that we're away from the hospital for a little bit, but when we get back I have a lot of shit to do."

"That sucks," Cooper says.

Malik nods. "Yeah. I'm sorry."

I sigh as I rub my face. "I don't know what I'm gonna do without him. He's my entire fucking world."

"I mean, obviously you should be realistic and prepare for the absolute worst scenario," Malik says, "But what if Colton gets put into a trial? Or if there's some drug that's effective?"

"I know," I say quietly. "And I really am hopeful but fuck. I don't even know."

"Are you guys having a good time?" Cooper asks.

I nod and then smile. "We are." I look down the hallway towards the bedroom. "We're almost out of condoms."

"Damnnnn," Cooper says and I grin as I shake my head. "That's good."

"Yeah," I say. My smile slips slightly. "Fuck. I keep forgetting but I need to email all of my professors."

"I'm sure they're gonna understand," Malik says.

I sigh as I rub my neck. "I know, it's just...I don't know. I can't figure out what to say," I tell them. "Thinking about what's gonna happen is different than saying it. Saying that he's gonna...die stings. But writing it down? Typing it in a fucking email? I can't do that shit. That makes it seem too real."

"Things are going to be okay," Cooper tells me.

I nod. "I know. It just doesn't seem like that," I explain as I start playing with the sleeve of my sweater. "He keeps reminding me that I need to be ready to move on but I don't want to. I just want to spend the rest of my life with him."

Malik and Cooper are silent for a minute and I sigh as I look out the window. It's raining today.

"I know this is dark," Cooper says as he shifts, "But at least you get a chance to say goodbye. You know? Like you can say goodbye and tell him that you love him."

"That's true," I murmur as my mind keeps racing. Saying goodbye seems unthinkable. None of it even seems real.

*************

"Colton, we have to talk about this," I tell him. I'm sitting at the table hugging my knees and he's leaning against the kitchen counter.

"Can't it wait?" he asks.

"No." I sigh as I rub my forehead. "You said later a few days ago. It's later now and we're going back tomorrow. We have to talk about it now."

Colton sighs as he runs his hands through his hair. "I really don't want to do this."

"Colton, do you think I do?" I ask him.

"I know," he says. He sits down next to me and bumps his knees into mine.

"So," I start as I shift the pen in my hand.

"So," Colton says.

"What are your wishes?" A sick feeling pools in the bottom of my stomach as soon as I ask it.

"I have no fucking clue," Colton says quietly. He's staring at the ground and I'm looking at him.

I swallow. "Do you want a funeral?"

Colton looks at me. His green eyes look glazed over and distant. "No," he says after a few minutes.

"Are you sure?" I ask. It feels so foriegn and wrong to be talking about this when he's still here. And even more wrong to be planning what's going to happen when he's gone.

"I don't want a funeral," Colton tells me again. "God, funerals are so fucking sad."

"They are." I sigh. "But it's good for closure sometimes."

Colton shrugs. "You're the only person I'd want to be there. It would just be a waste of money."

"What about your mom?" I ask.

"Fuck," Colton mutters.

I rub my face. "We don't have to figure everything out now, but we should get a little bit done."

"I don't want a funeral," Colton says. "I don't want to be buried. I want my ashes spread wherever you think is best."

"Okay," I say. I try to write it down but my hand is shaking too much. "Fuck."

I feel Colton's hand on my leg and I look at him. "It's gonna be okay," Colton tells me quietly. "You're going to get through it."

"I have no idea how," I murmur. "How the fuck is this real? How the fuck am I planning your funeral?"

Colton sighs. "I don't know. I'm sorry."

"Why?"

"I don't know. I'm sorry that you're stuck with all of this," he tells me.

"Don't be," I tell him. "I want to be with you regardless of anything. Even if it means planning your funeral."

"Thank you," Colton murmurs softly as he stares at the paper.

We both don't say anything for a minute and I sigh. "We need to tell your mom, Colton."

"I know," he says quietly. "I just don't know how."

"We'll figure it out."

"Fuck." Colton drops his head into his hands. "I swear, telling people about this is worse than the pain."

"Why?"

"It was so much easier to keep it to myself. I could try and control it and push it aside, but as soon as I think about telling someone, I feel tears stinging my eyes and my throat closing," Colton tells me quietly. "But then when I tell someone, I either get pity or pain."

"Pain?" I rub my thumb along my wrist.

"Yeah." He's quiet for a minute. "It's like I'm a burden. And then the weight eventually causes pain."

I sigh. "You're not though. I mean, none of this is easy, but guess what? It doesn't matter. You're worth all of it."

***************

"Get up, loser," Colton says. I roll my eyes and pull the blanket over my head. "I'm serious. I have something to show you."

"Can it wait until tomorrow?" I ask as I rub my eyes.

"Nah, we're leaving in a few hours. We're doing it now," he tells me. I sigh cuz he's right. We're leaving the cabin in a few hours and driving back. Neither of us is looking forward to getting back. We have to deal with doctors and anxiety and telling his mom.

"Okay, this better be good though," I tell him. He grins at me over his shoulder.

"Of course it's gonna be good," he says and I can see amusement twinkling in his green eyes. It seems like he's having a good day today and that lifts weight off my shoulders.

Colton stops suddenly and I bump into his shoulders. "Hey—"

Colton cuts me off by holding out his hand. I roll my eyes and give him my hand. He grins as he laces his fingers with mine and pulls me through the house. My amused grin never leaves my face as I follow him out of the house and down to the lake. Colton makes me stand at the end of the dock.

"I'm not even gonna ask what this is," I tell him.

Colton grins. "Good."

He picks up a can by his foot and my eyebrows raise. "What's that for?"

"You'll see," he tells me as he winks.

"Okay." I'm shaking my head as I smile. He gives me the can and I stare at him as I hold it.

"Okay, Andy. You have a can right now. And right now, holding it doesn't hurt your arm at all, right?" He pauses. "If you held it for an hour? Your arm would start to cramp."

I nod.

"But if you held it for five hours? The pain would get worse. And after twenty four hours? Your arm would go completely numb," he tells me and the smile's slipping off my face as what he's saying hits me. "All you have to do to get rid of the pain is simple: let go. The longer you hold onto it, the longer it's going to hurt and the pain is going to intensify. You need to let go. You don't need to hold onto the pain."

I'm silent for a minute. He's talking about when he's gone. He's saying that I need to let go when he's gone.

"It's okay to let go. You don't need the pain anymore, no matter how much you think you do. It's okay to be happy." Colton bumps his shoulder into mine and my eyes meet his.

"So let go of that mother fucker!" Colton yells and I start giggling.

"I can't throw a plastic can into the lake, dumbass," I tell him and he grins as he grabs it from my hand and throws it ridiculously far into the lake. "Colton!"

He grins. "I know, I know. You were supposed to let go," he tells me as he looks around. He looks around and hands me a rock. "Your turn. Let that motherfucker go flying!"

I grin as I shake my head. I take a deep breath in and then then chuck the rock. It doesn't go nearly as far as Colton's did and we're both laughing.

"Go get the can," I tell him.

"You get it."

I laugh. "Shut up and kiss me." And he does.