My heart stops. I think I must have heard Colton wrong because he just told me he had feelings for me. Colton has feelings for me and maybe that means that we have a chance. My head is spinning and I'm trying not to smile.

"You—you do?" I stutter.

Colton sighs. "Of course I do, Andy."

I feel butterflies in my stomach. "I...you...why?"

"Why what?" Colton asks.

"Why did you leave?" I ask.

"I told you in the letter," Colton says.

I frown. "You said that it hurt to leave."

"I don't want to talk anymore," Colton says. He sighs and sits down on a chair.

I frown as the butterflies start to fade and my face pales. "Colton," I say slowly. "I care about you. You have feelings for me."

"I know."

"Why aren't you saying anything?" I ask. "You know what this means, right? We—"

Colton cuts me off, "This doesn't change anything, Andy."

"It changes things a lot," I tell Colton.

He sits up. "It doesn't. Don't get any ideas."

Colton puts his earbuds in and lays down and I'm stuck staring at him with my mouth open. How did that go so wrong?

My head keeps spinning. Colton has feelings for me. He has feelings for me and I can't stop thinking about him. But he said it doesn't change anything.

Nothing makes sense. We can be together but he doesn't want to. Colton has feelings for me and he knows I have feelings for him, but he's still going to leave. What is going on with him?

What the fuck is happening? Everything that I wanted to happen did, but it didn't. Colton doesn't want to be with me even though he has feelings about me. There must be some reason, and I know it's not because of Bryce.

What the fuck?

I walk back inside the house and sit down at the table. I drop my head into my hands. I need to figure things out. I need to find some way to get through to him.

I can't lose Colton.

*******************

"You two set the table," Alex tells Colton and me. We're about to have dinner.

The rest of my day was spent laying out by the pool. Colton didn't say anything else to me, and I couldn't stop thinking about him. I did catch him looking at me a few times, but that was it.

"I'll get plates," Colton mutters quietly. I sigh and nod. I grab silverware and glasses. I start putting them down and my hand brushes Colton's when he sets a plate down. His eyes jump to mine and neither of us move away.

Colton blinks and shakes his head. He pulls away. I swear Colton is always the one to pull away. He's always the one to move away. He's always the one to leave and I don't even know why I'm surprised when he does.

I finish setting down everything and I sigh as I look outside. It's dark grey and slightly yellow-tinged. A nasty storm is coming.

"Do you want any wine?" Alex asks.

I look at her. "Huh? Oh, no. Thank you, though"

She smiles. "Of course." Alex looks at Colton and says, "You don't get any, you brat. You need an attitude change."

"Whatever," Colton mutters.

"You need to be nicer to Andy," Alex says. "It's her birthday tomorrow and I'll make you wear a monkey suit if I have to."

I grin. "Thanks."

Colton frowns. "It's your birthday tomorrow?"

My grin fades. "You didn't know that?" I ask. "God, you're such a dick."

"I'll go get Chris," Alex says.

I stare at Colton. "I swear, you're pissing me off so much," I tell him. "I can't handle your shit anymore."

Colton sighs. "You can hate me all you want. I don't care."

"You're so confusing," I tell him. "I don't believe what you said earlier. I don't believe that you have feelings for me."

Colton frowns and his eyes soften. "What?"

"I don't believe you," I repeat. "There's no way you have feelings for me. You can't act like this. You keep hurting me and leaving."

Colton steps closer to me. And he's close enough that we're almost touching. My back is to the kitchen counter and Colton's staring down at me. My heart starts beating too fast as I stare at his lips. I keep forgetting that his bottom lip has a slight dip in the middle.

"You can hate me," Colton tells me quietly. "But don't think that I'm lying to you. Don't doubt my feelings for you."

"What am I supposed to do?" I ask Colton.

"Trust me," he says.

I search his eyes. "Give me a reason."

"I can't," Colton says.

"Why?" I ask Colton desperately. "Why can't you give me a reason?"

Colton doesn't say anything. I step around him and sit down at the table. Colton sits next to me. There's so much tension between us but it's different than it was earlier. It feels like electricity.

Alex and Dad come to the table and sit down. We start putting food onto our plates. Colton's hand brushes mine again when he passes me a bowl. I feel more butterflies in my stomach.

"We're going out to a movie and drinks," Dad tells us.

I smile. "Have fun."

"We will," Alex says. She grins. "I hope you guys don't throw a wild party."

"We won't," I tell her with a smile.

"What do you want to do tomorrow?" Dad asks. "For your birthday?"

"I have no idea," I tell him. "I hope it's not storming still. A beach day might be nice."

"Sounds good," Dad says.

"Are you two on better terms?" Alex asks. Colton and I look at each other.

"I think so," I say. It doesn't seem like Colton is going to answer. His leg brushes mine and my eyes jump to his.

"We're good," Colton says. 

We eat in silence for a few minutes. Dad and Alex seem to finish eating quickly and they stand up. They keep giggling and whispering to each other.

"You guys are off quickly," Colton says.

"Yeah. Bye," Alex says. They leave and then it's just Colton and I.

"We should do the dishes," I say. Colton nods. "I'll wash if you dry."

"Sure," Colton says. I start washing off a plate and I hand it to him. "Can I ask my second question?"

"Yeah," I say.

"How bad is it?" Colton asks.

I frown as I hand him another plate. "What do you mean?" I ask. "How bad is what?"

Colton looks at me. "Your feelings for me," Colton starts. "Is it a crush or do you like me? Or it something worse? Something like love?"

I open my mouth but nothing comes out. I don't know how to answer his question because I don't even know. I haven't asked myself if I love him.

"What do you mean by how bad?" I ask Colton, looking at the dishes. "Why is it bad if I love you?"

"Are you saying that you do?" Colton asks.

I look at him. "I don't know, Colton."

"I need to know, Andy," Colton tells me softly.

"Why does it matter?" I ask him. "Why do you care? You're just going to leave again."

Colton doesn't say anything and I feel a little bit of anger starting to rise.

"That's my question," I tell him. "Why are you leaving me again?"

"I have to leave," Colton says.

"I know. You keep saying that. I didn't ask you if you were leaving, I asked why," I tell Colton.

"Because we can't be together, Andy," Colton tells me.

"You said in your letter that life was fucked up because we're perfect for each other, but that we can't be together," I start. I'm searching his eyes. "But, Colton, did you realize that we keep being brought together? On that flight, going home for the holidays, New York...and now here. We keep being brought together, and that's not fucked up. That's simple. That's fate."

"Do you love me?" Colton asks, and his voice is strained and almost desperate. "I have to know."

"Why does it matter if you're going to leave?" I ask again. "You're not taking me with you," I say and I hate how my voice breaks.

"I..." Colton sets down the plate he's holding and walks away. I hear a door slam.

I walk outside and cross my arms over my chest. The wind is strong and it's almost about to rain. Everything is still and heavy, including my heart. I close my eyes and everything seems clear.

Do I love Colton?

Memories of him flash across my mind. Talking to him on the plane, getting high with him, spending time with him and feeling alive...seeing him in New York, kissing him in the closet, kissing him under the Christmas tree light...his smile, his laugh, the way his eyes change colors...the way he sends goosebumps down my back, how I feel butterflies in my stomach...how much it hurts when he leaves...highschool.

Colton is so many things and so many memories. And they're all so good and bittersweet. I know that there's a reason why Colton's acting differently. The more I think about it, the more I realize how selfless he is. Colton protects people and he puts them first, even if it hurts him.

Maybe that's what he's doing to me. There must be something that he's hiding, something that he can't let me know. That's why he keeps leaving and trying to distance himself. 

I know he's going to leave, but why does it matter if I love him? Unless, maybe...he kept asking how bad it was, how deep my feelings were for him. It wouldn't matter unless my answer might make him stay.

I hear the door open behind me and I turn around. Colton's looking at me, and his eyes are dark.

He starts walking towards me. "Don't say anything," he tells me. "Don't say if you love me. I need to do something before—" he cuts himself off.

"Before what?" I ask.

Colton stops walking and we're so close that I can feel the heat radiating off of him. We're barely an inch away from each other.

"What are you doing?" I whisper.

"I have to do this again," Colton tells me quietly.

I'm breathing quickly and shallowly as his hand skims along mine and I'm staring up at him searching his eyes. His hand trails up my arm leaving goosebumps. His touch skims over my shoulder and stops on my heart.

"Your heart is racing," he tells me quietly.

I move my hand to his chest. "So is yours," I whisper.

"You want this too, right?" Colton asks and his hands move to cup my face. "You want us?"

It takes me a minute to answer. My mind is spinning because Colton is going to kiss me.

"Are you saying that you want me?" I ask.

Colton sighs. "You're all I've ever wanted."

I'm staring up at Colton desperately, trying to make sure that all of this is real. "Of course I want us," I tell him.

Colton smiles for a second, but then he kisses me.