Published: 4/13/2020

Have you ever fallen for someone you've never talked to, only seen; never touched, only listened. You grow to care about a person you've never met, be invested with someone you've never shaken hands with. This is going to be short. I'm honestly embarrassed about this story, but I bet others can relate. 

You watch him play from dusk
"until dawn"
You're entranced by the video
From the world you've withdrawn

All jokes you laugh
his smile you sigh
if only he could be sitting 
by your side

No one's this interesting
No one's this funny
An impulsive thinker
a brilliant player
light and delirious
but also dark and mysterious 

Video after video
you question how is it
did he break down a wall
stronger than a Presidio

Slowly but surly
you fell for the trap
fell for the smile
your heart on trial

Where does it belong
Where should it go
Follow down the path
that may end with a psychopath 

He's the warm smile on your face
The thought of him brings you happiness
A peace and calm
His voice is a song
playing over and over 
You're heart strung along
--from verse to chorus--
Happy, is your day gone?

The tortuous ballad
of a man who can't say your name 
who can't touch your frame
give you a warm embrace

You will never
meet him
defeat him
leave him
or be with him

A version of him will live in your mind
in your art, in your soul, burried in your heart
and never meet the inspiration
Forever he'll remain in your imagination

There's this youtuber I like, and like any fan girl I think he's the perfect person. He'd be the perfect boyfriend, perfect bestfriend to cry to, and all that other bullshit. I'm never goin to meet him, I'm never going to be with him, and that sucks. I don't have many goals in life. I just want to get a job, and work till I'm dead. Hopefully, along the way I make enough money to live an aesthetically pleasing life, hang out with friends, have adventures, make memories, fall in love, and that's it. But life isn't like that for everyone. I'm super scared of having a life, where I'm barely surviving, unhappy, and alone. My worst nightmare is not be able to do the things I love, get a break write, sleep, and eat. I'm scared quarantine is going to be my last chance to binge shows, and stay at home in my pj's. Life is super hard, scary, and 90% of the times a fucking tragedy. So yeah, this youtuber's videos make me forget about that just for a couple hours, sometime days. But I don't think that's healthy. I don't think it's healthy I can quote his videos, understand his personality to a "t". Shouldn't other things in my life be more important? I have a pattern of doing this. Whenever I'm going through tough times and difficult decisions I develop an obsession with something and someone; technology, toys, new shows, youtubers, crushes with guys or girl, and keep going, because I can turn anything into an unhealthy crush or obsession. 

I just want to break the cycle, break the pattern. I just don't want to keep being so invested in something where I'm questioning if it's healthy. Why can't I fucntion normally and just love without it feeling like an illness or disease. Like, I caught the love bug again. With everything happening in the country my life has turned upside down, and I don't know how to deal with it. This is the best I could do and I do feel a little better after typing this out. So there we go, a love story that's about infatuation.

I know I haven't posted a proper love story in a while, but I've been writing two great longGGG short stories that I will publish when they're perfect. I want to take my time with them because I'm like 7 stories in and I really want this book to mean something in a couple of years and not just be a pathetic collection of stories. At least 4 have to really pack a juicy story. Thank You to all who have upvoted, I don't know how to promote for shit, but I'll look it up. I'll get my worok out there somehow.