TW: Mentions of Death.

Nothing is edited, just a mess. 

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I'm paralyzed, I'm scared to live, but I'm scared to die

- Paralyzed, NF

Erika was never fond of death.

Why did death have to knock on people's doors and take them away, when she still had so many things left unsaid?

But that was an issue Erika always faced.

Me. Me. Me.

It was always 'Me' and not 'Them'. How was she feeling? How hurt was she? But what about the other person?

The concept was a paradox in her mind. So, slowly, she started thinking about them, the person in front of her, not how she felt.

But Erika had never been one to handle things healthily. No, she went to extremes that led to either her or them.

And so she found herself being stuck in a never-ending loop, where she could not move ahead, but she would be guilty of not trying hard enough for the other person.

Erika felt it was unfair, unfair that she could change but the other person couldn't. Although she told herself repeatedly, that it was not about her, in the end, it always came down to her.

Her mind was a scribble on a canvas, aimless and convoluted.

A fixation of thoughts around one single thing, and something she did not know how to pull herself out from.

When Erika's father died, she was as blank as a white sheet, emotions at bay and a cold mask on her face. She wanted to cry as she watched his blue lips, eyes half open due to the struggle he had faced before the death, but she never shed a tear.

How could she? Men around her were trying to prey on her and her mother.

She remembered that day so well, how her mother cried at his feet, and a man tried to touch her, in the words of comfort. 19-year-old Erika had to stand firm between that man and her mother. At that moment, she had never felt so alone and lost in the sea of grief.

What she did not know, as time would pass, was that the sea would become her universe of hell, and she always felt sucked into the black hole of her memories.

She never truly realized that her father was dead.

She would never see his face again, she would never hear her calling a 'goat' affectionately, and she would never have him sit with her for hours and teach curriculum subjects again.

She would never be able to hug him again and tell him that irrespective of their last moments, she loved him so much.

She wanted her father back, but she would never.

It was not her father's fault that he died, but it left a void in her heart that she tried to fill in many ways.

But none helped.

In the end, she remained afraid.

Afraid that everyone would leave her, and she would have to deal with the brunt again.

As Erika cried to herself silently, she wondered where she went wrong in her life.

She had cared for so many, she loved so many. Yet, she lay alone in her bed, silent tears streaming down her stained cheeks.

Kindness was not foreign to her, but people being kind to her? That was foreign. Or, at least people remain kind to her. That was something she craved.

Oh, but she craved so many things.

She craved love like her next breath. But maybe she had an unrealistic expectation of love. She did not know what she expected from people, a small part of her whispered that she knew.

But she was too cowardly to admit it to herself.

Erika cried more and she started wondering what she was crying about.

Was it her father?

Was it the deaths she had seen?

Was it the feeling of being utterly useless?

Was it her love life?

Today she no longer knew, because her life felt like a tragedy with no means of freedom or peace.

She left the light on for everyone,

But who left the light on for her?

She tried to be different,

But why did no one ever change for her?

She was a negativity,

She felt choked in,

So lost,

She found solace in,

The one thing she hadn't been fond of,

Death became her freedom. 

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