•Making of first album as single artist•

I nod my head to the beats of the song. "I want kind of a chick-ah-ca-ta-pa beat." I say to myself as I sit in my quiet office, in my quiet dorm, in this quiet building. I then smack my keyboard causing the beat to pause. I let out a breath and set my elbows on my desk and I hold my face with my hands.

"Don't stress out Namjoon." I tell myself. My fingers grip my hair. "Why am I so stupid? Why can't I think of anything?" I shut my eyes tight. My phone then starts to ring, the hotline? Hahaha, I'm dumb, they deleted my number. Without looking at the number I answer the call.

"Namjoon, we have several interviews today. Please look nice." My manager says. "Yes, sir." I answer. "We'll be there in about five minutes to pick you up." And he hangs up the call. I get up, not caring about the song anymore, maybe this is great for me. I'll be able to keep my mind off the song for now.

I walk out of my office and head over to my room and put on something nice, not caring about my hair or face because of the stylists that usually takes care of that. I make sure to have all my belongings and head out of the door.

**

"Make sure not to get too into depth with what happened with the group." My manager says. I nod as the hair stylists does my hair. It's crazy how he'd expect me to say things about the group, I try my best not to roll my eyes. "We're out in two!" Producers yell, the hair stylist does last minute touches and she smiles giving me the sign that I can stand up.

I clasp her hands in mine and I bow to her. I turn and follow the producers to the position where I'll walk out. "You can walk out now." The producer says and I walk out to the set and sit down. "Namjoon, long time no see." Kevin Woo says. I nod, "Yes." Is all I can say. "Five, four, three, two-" and it's the cue to start.

"Hey guys! Welcome to the After School Club, I'm Kevin Woo and this is the beautiful Park Jimin." He opens up the show. "Ah, thank you, thank you." Jimin bows her head a couple times. "We welcome our idol of the week, Kim Namjoon." They both clap and the camera is directed to me. "It's a pleasure to be here." I nod. "So, it's actually our first time having a single artist in this show, but we were really interested in knowing how you feel in this moment." Kevin says.

Well, right into it.. huh?

"Yes, how are you feeling with the whole Disbanding?" Jimin asks. "Right at this moment, I'm recovering." I nod. "And how's that going?" He asks. I tilt my head, "It's still really tough, to a point where I sometimes just miss the atmosphere." I explain. "Of all the members being there and the family atmosphere." Kevin adds.

I nod. "Yes, definitely."

-

And through out the week, this is how it was for me, nothing but interview after interview. Continuous talks about this. I was asked to be on radio talk shows, to be on toothpaste commercials for some weird reason. It all doesn't make much sense.

Just like how everything that has to do with the Disbanding doesn't make sense. And the more I tried to analyze this, it makes me more and more confused. Shouldn't I be the only one who actually understands? Because I don't.

**

I sit in my office once again, fiddling with the beat. "It's like we don't know each other anymore, this reality is fucking me up. This ain't no dream, this ain't no brush it off the shoulder shit. Lyrics just some how flow through me, I instantly begin to write them down.

-
"Don't you ever just wake up and feel like nothing's right?

It's like we don't know each other anymore, this reality is fucking me up. This ain't no dream, this ain't no brush it off the shoulder shit.

We fought it out, we talked it out. And look at us now. No trace, no face that we've ever seen before.

We wanted this, we wanted that, damn. I can't take this crap.

It's like I'm in some sort of dream, where everything is about me and I really feel the shame.

Hidden lives and self taught lies.

Get the fuck out of my face with your cameras and lights, you tried to teach me all the lefts, now I'm writing down all my rights.

I ain't silenced and I ain't your fucken toy. I'm gonna put it up, and this song will either make you mad or bring you fucken joy."
-

I stare down at the lyrics that I have, can I really put this out there? Yes.. yes I can. I need to stop second thinking myself over every little thing I do. I'm my own person now, and no one else will have consequences other than me.

I try the lyrics with the beat that I have. I nod as it fits well with the the best I created. I smile to myself. The name of the song? I think for a while, then it hits me in the face. I smile.

-To New Beginnings-

I slowly nod and finish up the song.

**

"No." He says. My eyebrows knit. "What do you mean no?" I ask. "The song is basically explaining the life in this industry." He says. I raise an eyebrow. "It's my life in this industry, I'm sure people wouldn't relate it to themselves. Just..." I let out a breath. "Please let me do the song." I plead.

He looks down at the lyrics and looks back up at me. "Then you have to do a song about all the good things that have happened after the breakup." He says. I stare at him, seriously? There was literally nothing good that came out of the breakup. I then think of something. "Okay." I say. He smiles.

"Okay." He nods, he stamps my lyrics, it's the strap of approval. "Thank you." I say. "Our deal." He says, handing my lyrics to me. I take them. "If course." I nod quickly not even able to stay still in my seat, the lyrics want to stream out of me. "You can leave." He wave me off. I get up and bow to him, before turning and walking as fast as I can out of the office.

My driver takes me to my dorm and I run inside. Right when I get into my dorm I head straight for my office. I can't think of the beats of the song yet, but I know the lyrics that I want to say. I instantly take out my note book and start to write down my lyrics that pour out of me.

-

It lies before me, the grace and the glory. It's all in the lights, in the words that I rap.

We sign away our names, for the money and the fame.

Through it all, for it all. Who we become is who we are supposed to be. It's not about the records or the company's. It's about me.

I am who I should be, it's all in the time. All that shit makes you blind.

Don't push yourself, don't waste yourself. Cause you got me. It's changed me.

The sounds, the smells, it never fades. It stays with me in all my days.

-

I stop half way, I stare at my words. "I guess I still have to think of a better song to make this industry look good." I laugh. Crazy how just a few thoughts and I'm able to write two songs. In these few months that have passed, has really changed me. The way I see myself and music. I can possibly write two more songs.

I sit back and let out a breath, smiling. It feels great to be able to go back into writing songs. I slowly close my eyes, nodding my head to nothing. In my head I can hear the beats I had made earlier. I start to whisper my lyrics. I slowly find myself falling asleep, "To new Beginnings." I whisper.

**

"That's sick Namjoon, honestly." I look at him. "Really?" I ask. In months I haven't seen any of the other guys, today is the first day I've seen Yoongi. He's been so busy. He had found time to see me today, which I really appreciate. He looks at me. "Namjoon, don't give a fuck about what they say. This is your life. This is about you and they can't control everything you do. Your music is where you can be yourself."

I nod. "This is seriously solid, if your manager doesn't want to let you keep it, you fight for it." He tells me. "Don't worry, I will. I'm really liking these tracks so far and I don't plan on losing them." I explain to him. We listen to my song for a couple of times and he shows my his songs. Of course I'm not surprised that they're amazing.

"You hungry?" I ask him. He nods. "I can eat, what do you have in mind?" He asks. "What do you eat now a days?" I ask. He tilts his head. "Let's have some of Wons noodles, I know that it's good. I think we even went their a couple of times. I can't quite remember when but it sounds very familiar to me, don't you think?" He looks at me as we start to get up and exit his studio.

I stop, "What's wro-" he stops when he realizes what I'm looking at. "You know, I have a group photo in my office too." I explain getting the picture off the shelf and I examine it. It was such an old photo, back during the dope era. "I have the recent one on my desk." He says. I turn and look at his desk.

"Me too." I confess. I let out a breath and a laugh at the same time. "I thought I was stupid to have a photo on my desk, but now seeing this, I know that it's okay." I turn and look at him, I've never seen Yoongi so sad. "You know.. my manager has been insisting that I take them down." He laughs. "I wanted to cuss him out honestly. He doesn't understand anything, all he knows is what media is saying."

I slowly set the picture back on the shelf. "But, I guess that's also why your manager wanted you to take down the song because it's too truthful." He shrugs. "Don't listen to them Namjoon, no one understands." I slowly nod. He pats my shoulder and I grin, we head out of the building.

It's pretty quiet between us as we walk to Wons Noodle place. It honestly feels amazing being out with one of my brothers. I don't ask anyone else because I know that everyone is caught up in their normal lives to want to come and hang out with me. So, I'm very grateful that Yoongi made time in his schedule to see me today. I really see myself as a needy child, I should have just been quiet.

I just can't though, maybe everyone is so caught up in their new and improved lives that they don't miss anything. "Aye, so. I wanted to know if you wanted to collaborate with me on a rap." I say as we walk into the restaurant. "Really?" He asks. "Yeah, it'll be like the good old days when we rapped together." He smiles. "We'll have to talk to my manager, he's very over protective of me for some reason." He says. We sit down at the waiting place.

"Oh? Is he new?" I ask. "Sort of, he's worked with other people but never with a rapper. Which I would have thought they would have given me a manager who would know about all this stuff." He rolls his eyes, then smiles that gummy smile. "But yes, I'd love to collaborate with you. I know we can think of a pretty sick song together." He says.

"Table for two." A waitress says and we stand up and follow her. She sits us down and hands us menus before walking away to give us a minute to order. "So how's everything with that girl?" I ask. "Oh, you know. Complicated like it is with every girl." I laugh. "I wouldn't know." He chuckles. "Oh right, well.. I've given up a lot of my time from writing my album tracks for her. And she still doesn't get the idea that I'm fucken crazy about her." He explains as he looks down at his menu.

"Really? What's her name?" I ask, his face literally lights up and I feel really happy for him. "Elizabeth." He says. "And you love her." He slowly looks up at me. "I feel like it's much more than love, Namjoon. She makes this feeling in my chest that I can't quite explain." He slowly looks away from me and takes off his beanie. "But she doesn't feel the same, I'm sure." He let's out a breath.

"Give her signs." I suggest. "Oh, believe me Namjoon, I have. But I guess she thinks of me too much as a friend to notice my signs." The waitress comes back and takes our orders, it's just a waiting game now. "I'm not the one to give advise." I laugh, "I've never had a girlfriend." I rub the back of my head. "You'd probably wreck her, king of destruction." He laughs making me laugh.

"Oh, you bet I would." I slowly nod. Our laughs slowly die down and it's quiet for a while. "Confess to her." I suggest. "Confess? I'm too scared." He blushes. Wow, never seen him this way. "You? Fucken Yoongi? Scared?" I ask in disbelief. "Aye, I might be a savage about something's but when it comes to her I absolutely can't be that 'YOLO' Yoongi." He explains.

"Write a song about her." I tell him. "And have media go fucken crazy? I don't think so." He's right. "I have faith that you will be able to be with her in he future Yoongi." His eyebrows go up. "I sure hope so, I've been dying to just set my lips on hers." I smile. "Dang, you're not the Yoongi I remember." I say. He laughs, "That a good thing or a bad thing?" I think for a split second.

Yoongi was so depressed and wasn't himself. I instantly nod, "It's a good thing." I finally say. He smiles. "Good." He says. We keep a conversation until our food arrives. "Thank you." We say in sync to the waitress. She nods and walks away. "So who's your manager anyways?" I ask, starting to eat my noodles. "Guk Yoon, he's not all that bad though. But you know how managers can be, demanding." I nod, "If you ever need someone, in here." I tell him.

"I know." He smiles. "Do you ever think.." I stop. "Do I ever think what?" He asks. "Never mind, forget it." I say. He stares at me and waits for me to continue but I don't. "So do you have anyone significant in your life?" He asks. I instantly shake my head. He raises his eyebrow. "Maybe that would make you feel better and help you miss the group less." He suggests. I slightly nod.

"And it really does effect your music, you think of better lyrics and it changes how you see life." He smiles. At this moment I envy Yoongi, he always has everything perfect. He has a true love, he's started a great mixtape, and he's so successful. Why can't I be that? I ask too much of myself a lot I think. "Maybe it would be hard to be with someone who knows who I am. Or what if they only want to be with me because I'm famous?" I ask.

"I see where you stand." He stuffs noodles in his mouth and we eat for a few seconds before getting back to our conversation. "Try flings." He suggests. I look at him in shock. "Like fuck random women?" I ask. "Woh woh woh, Namjoon. Not so loud." He shakes his hand at me. I chuckle. He leans forward. "And yes, that's what I mean. I'm sure that you have a lot of sexual tension and your computer isn't cutting it."

"Oh hey, it's not like you're getting any either." I roll my eyes. "Just being around her makes me feel a whole lot better." He smiles. "So I just need to be around females more often?" I ask. He nods, "There was this hot line that called me months back." I laugh. "There's a start." He laughs. "I told them to delete my number." I whine.

"Don't you have the number on your call logs." I smack the table. "Oh my gosh, you're right!" I hadn't thought about that. I smirk. "I'm going to call them back, maybe find a girl to call me daddy." He rolls his eyes. "Oh gosh Namjoon, you and your Daddy fetish." I smile. "It just make you feel empowered." I wave my fist.

"Okay, but I don't feel comfortable with girls calling me that. Cause it's like they're saying I'm their father." He chuckles before eating more of his noodles. I shrug, "What's wrong with that?" I ask. "Oh my gosh." He laughs, "You are wild my friend." He nods. "I thought you already knew that."

For the rest of our lunch together we talked about random things, makes me grateful that I have Yoongi.

To New Beginnings

---------------------------
Finally updated, you can probably tell that this is a super shitty chapter.

Btw. The "Lyrics" that he wrote for his two songs are by yours truly, I've never written a song before. But heeeey, hopefully it wasn't too bad. Trying out new skills for my books.

Lethal will hopefully be up today. I'm really struggling with the Namjoon books and I think you can tell. Hope y'all aren't too bored yet.

-A