The kiss was like no other I had ever had before. I had kissed my fair share of girls in high school but never a boy, and never someone I truly cared about. It felt different, then all the girlfriends and admirers. It was as if I was having the first real kiss of my life.

Hongjoong wrapped his arms around my neck and pulled his body closer to mine. I grabbed his small waist and hoisted him higher up on my lap so he was on top of me. He tasted so good, sweet like the cookies he was eating earlier. And he seemed to be enjoying himself. 

Mischievously, I allowed my tongue to run across his lips, him eagerly letting it fill his mouth so we were attached in a French kiss. He clenched the back of my hoodie tightly and let out a soft squeak. 

It took a lot but I managed to break the kiss. We stared, breathless at each other for a second, Hongjoong inhaling and exhaling deeply. "What is it?" I asked.

"I-I'm sorry I didn't mean to I just-" I blinked in confusion, taken aback by my friend's uncharacteristic stammering.

"What the hell do you mean you're sorry?" I questioned loudly. "That was the best thing that's ever happened to me!"

Hongjoong looked up at me, his dark gaze meeting mine. "Really?" He asked innocently, his arms snaking around my neck again.

"Really." With that he smiled and leaned down to lay his head on my chest. For a couple minutes we laid there together, Hongjoong's soft breathing the only sound in the entire clubhouse. I could feel his steady heartbeat on my chest, the feeling of another person was always comforting to me. It let me know I wasn't alone. 

Soon Hongjoong propped himself up over me. "Seonghwa, I need to tell you something very important."

The seriousness in his voice alerted me so I sat up cautiously. He allowed me to enough space to sit up, scooting over so he sat beside me but our thighs still touched. 

"What is it?" 

He sighed, looking down at his feet, which didn't touch the ground from the couch. I noticed he was fidgeting with his hands again, something he often did when nervous, but I had never seen Hongjoong so anxious and shy. I grabbed his hand and he made a small 'huh' sound.

"What is it?" I asked again, this time making direct eye contact with him. 

He bit his lip nervously and blushed bright red. "Hwa, I don't know how to tell you this but for the longest time I've had a bit of a crush on you." My heart leapt in my chest. "I've always hoped that one day I would, I would work up enough courage to tell you and I guess, I just, well, I did it today because I realized something."

As soon as Hongjoong had mentioned his crush on me, it was like I was transported the this rhapsodic level of euphoria. All this time, he had felt the same way about me but I was just too stupid to see it.

"Hongjoong.....I..." his grip tightened around my hand. With big, hopeful eyes his gaze never broke mine. "I love you." He leaped forward into another kiss as soon as the words left my mouth.

After another round of passionate, excited kisses, we broke apart.

"I love you too." He said, eyes shining with what looked like tears. 

"Hongjoong....." I reached up from where I lay on the couch to the boy on top of me. I gently caressed his cheek and wiped off a tear with my thumb. "Are you crying?"

A tear sliding down his face he grabbed my hand and jerked it down. "I'm not crying." He said through gritted teeth.

Lying? Why would Hongjoong so blatantly lie to me? Especially when it was so obvious he was crying? But whatever was wrong?

"Joong," I used his nickname, catching his attention. "Please tell me what's up. I never want you to be sad. It hurts my heart to know you're feeling down. I can't stand the sight of you crying, it ruins your beautiful face."

He sniffled and laid down on me, head on my chest where he always liked to put it. "I'm....look you're not gonna be happy Hwa, I know you and if I tell you the truth, you're going to feel guilty."

Guilty? My stomach turned and I felt as if a brick had been dropped in it. What had I done? Had I contributed to Hongjoong's unhappiness? No. I could never. I could never make him sad. Right? Right?!

"Tell me." I replied calmly even though my insides were churning with worry and concern. 

The blue haired boy bit his lip, as if debating whether or not to tell me the truth. Finally he sighed and began. "Yeosang and I have been noticing something different about you lately. Ever since you....passed out earlier, our suspicions were confirmed. Hwa, Yeosang asked me once a few weeks ago if you had told me you were sick." 

My stomach already holding an imaginary brick plummeted down at least fifteen stories. How in god's name had Yeosang figured out I was sick? He couldn't have known, could he? If not, how had his suspicions been so dead on?

"That's why I'm a little blue." Joong explained, fiddling playfully with the strings of my hoodie. "I don't want you to be sick, with anything. I can't stand the idea of you being in pain. It isn't serious is-"

"I'm fine!" I burst out, surprising myself by the how truthful my lie sounded. Hongjoong looked at me warily, eyes showing he was still doubtful. "Hongjoong I'm not sick, I promise. Yeah, I've had a uh-a cold the past few days but nothing serious."

"Really?"

"Of course! If I had been sick, I would have told you." Hongjoong sighed in relief, tears still spilling from his gleaming eyes and allowed himself to lay back down as he had sat up to tell me his story. I stroked his ocean blue hair and kissed his cheek as he cried into the crook of my neck.

"Shhhh, shhhh. Don't cry, love."

"I-I'm crying happy tears." He choked, tears streaming down his face at a quite rapid speed. "I'm relieved you're healthy. I-I can't imagine a life without you Seonghwa. You'll  always be here, right? You'll never leave me, will you?"

The questions dug deep, as if they were tiny daggers jabbing at my heart. A wave of sadness washed over me as I realized that the answers I would be reassuring Hongjoong with would be horrible, cruel lies. I wasn't  always going to be there for him. I was going to leave him. Not by choice of course but in the end, Hongjoong was looking at a long life ahead without me by his side. But I couldn't tell him that. No, I would be a monster to admit it. But at the same time, I was a coward for keeping the truth from him.

"I will never leave you." I felt tears of my own watering in my eyes as I lied through my teeth. Regret and guilt mixed inside me for an awkward anxiety ridden feeling I can't exactly explain. "I'm always going to be right here." I slid my hand down the neckline of Hongjoong's shirt and stopped on his heart. "I'm in here and that I hope, will never change."

"Never." He whispered in response. 

A comfortable, peaceful silence fell between the two of us, the soothing hum of cars rushing by on the busy streets of our city murmuring through the clubhouse. The fairy lights flickered for a moment before returning to their normal twinkling. The smell of damp asphalt outside told me that the normal fog cover was beginning to throw raindrops. Great. I didn't bring my umbrella. I thought, irritated. 

"Hwa~" I was snapped out of my thoughts (again) by Hongjoong's sweet voice. He called me 'Hwa' again. I'd be fibbing if I said my heart didn't skip a beat whenever he called me a pet name. Hongjoong had always called the rest of Ateez and myself pet names like babe, sweetheart, and lovely and I would always get tongue tied and blush whenever he referred to me in that sense. 

"Hmm?" I hummed in response.

"Now that's it's decided that I love you and you love me, let's be boyfriends."

I blinked in surprise. "Wait really? Boyfriends? Like San and Wooyoung-"

"What else did you think I meant silly?" He laughed brightly, ruffling my dark hair under my hood. 

"I-I don't know. But yes, yes I would love to." I stuttered, hoping he hadn't noticed my obvious lack of collectedness. 

"Aish," he giggled. "You're so cute darling!" He stopped immediately as the word slipped through his lips. "Ummm...." he flushed and I cocked my head to the side, confused. "Is it okay if I call you that? Like I know I called you and the rest of Ateez that before but like now that we're officially a couple, you don't mind do you?" 

For the first time in weeks, I smiled. A genuine smile. I felt happiness flood my body as I watched the adorable blue haired boy on my lap with a bright pink blush, shyly fiddling with his hands. He glanced at me, must have seen my smile for his lips stretched into a relieved grin. 

"I love it when you call me that, doll." I added the cute nickname quickly.

Hongjoong chuckled. "Doll? That's what you're going with?" 

I shrugged. "Why not? You're petite and delicate." 

"Oh shut up you long legged idiot!" I laughed as my crush pummeled me with tiny punches. Oh! He's not just my crush anymore, he's my boyfriend. Let me redo that; I laughed as my boyfriend pummeled me with tiny punches. 

"What? It's true! What're you-" I pleaded as Hongjoong shoved me down so once again he was on top of me. "I beg only for you mercy, oh short one." 

"Hmmm let me think about it." He tapped his temple dramatically as if mulling over his options, which I didn't have a clue as to what they were. "No mercy!" He squealed and hugged me.

"Oh well I have to fight back I guess!" Hongjoong laughed in delight as I planted a kiss on his cheek and began to playfully nibble his ear. 

"Ah Hwa, I love you so much." 

"I love you too Joong." I said before kissing his neck. After a while, we both fell asleep. 

(I hope that chapter wasn't boring, it was kinda just talking and chilling the whole time 🥺 If you enjoyed, leave a vote and a comment, I read them all. Also, after this check out p1harmony's new m/v 'Scared' and give my babies some love!)

-ryan <3