I remembered one convo with StupidBratinella. It kinda ended like this (allow me to paraphrase as I can't remember the exact words):

SB: Eh di isipin mo na lang ate, hindi yun nag-work out kase one step closer ka na sa talagang para sa 'yo.

Sa isip ko... one step closer? More like 10, 000 cause it seems so long to find that one guy that would make you feel like all your waiting is worth it.

Ayun... haha... read well...

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"Ang love, parang football. Pagkatapos mong sipain palayo, saka mo naman hahabulin." –RXTMR

Bakit may mga taong tanga? Noong nasa'yo pa siya, hindi mo iningatan. Tapos ngayong wala na sa 'yo, saka mo hahanap-hanapin. Saka mo hahabol-habulin.

Saka ka manghihinayang...

Siguro nga nasa huli ang pagsisisi. Dahil kung nasa simula pa lang yun ng isang pangyayari, siguro'y hindi na natin mararamdaman yung panghihinayang. Hindi na tayo matututo. Hindi na natin malalaman kung pano magpahalaga sa isang bagay habang hawak pa natin ito.

Siguro nga ganun yun.

Kaya siguro hinayaan ko syang mawala...

A few months ago... I broke up with a girl I've been with for like... forever. We were childhood friends. We were childhood sweethearts. We were each other's firsts. And I thought we were each other's last too.

For some, it was a beautiful thing. Hindi mo na kailangang magpa-impress sa kanya. She knows you all too well. Bawat kibo, bawat buntong-hininga at bawat salitang hindi mo binibitawan ay alam nya ang kahulugan. Maybe that's also why I quit.

We've been together for so many years. Nagsawa ako. It came to a point na gusto ko nang magtago sa kanya. Hindi ako makalusot eh. Bawat palusot ko, may counter-attack sya. Alam na alam nya ang bawat kilos ko. Sometimes, it feels like she knows me better than I know my own self.

Dagdag pa dyan yung pagpi-pressure sa 'kin ng mga magulang namin na ikasal kami kahit ayaw ko pa. Marami pa akong pangarap sa buhay... that's what I always tell them.

She said she understood. And then I later learned that she told everyone else that I am such an ass for making her wait for so long. Kasalanan ko bang hindi pa ako ready to settle down at 31?

Kung tutuusin nga eh dinaig pa namin ang ibang mag-asawa sa tagal naming magkarelasyon. Almost 27 years na kaming magkasama. 15 years in a relationship.

Nakakasawa.

For the last three months, I have been tasting and savoring my newly found freedom. I went to bars. I mingled. I drank a lot. Walang bungangera na palagi akong pinuputakan ng walang dahilan. Walang palaging nagtatanong kung nasaan ako. Walang palaging nagdududa kapag ginagabi ako ng uwi o kung hindi ako makareply sa mga text at tawag.

I'm a free man. Free to do whatever I want to do and free to like whoever I want to like.

But there's always a downside. Syempre nang mawala sya, nawalan na rin akong ng best friend. Nawalan ako ng tagaluto at tagaalaga. Nawalan ako ng sandigan at inspirasyon. Nawalan ako ng motivation. Nawalan ako ng supporter. Nawala yung kalahati ng pagkatao ko.

And just like before, I went back to being lost. It's true that we were born complete. Nabuhay naman tayo nang wala yung mga other half natin di ba? And we were happy before them. Nung dumagdag sila... yung 100 percent ng pagkatao natin ay naging 200 percent. Technically, we are still complete at parang excess lang sila.

Pero bakit sa tuwing mawawala sila, feeling natin kulang tayo? Strange, isn't it? It's like being water on a 100 liter jar. We are the water. We managed to fill the jar on our own. When they came, hindi umawas yung tubig. Hindi sumobra. Bakit kamo? Because we were put on a bigger jar. On a 200 liter jar. We managed to fill half of the vessel for 2. They filled the rest.

So when they go, they take away half of our new container. A container we call a relationship.

When we meet someone, we adjust ourselves to accommodate not only our needs. We start thinking for two. We start feeling for two.

Imagine me doing that same thing for 27 years and then finally letting go after. Mahirap di ba? Habit starts after doing something continuously for 21 days. Mine is way beyond habit. I was in love. And maybe I still am. Or maybe I'm not.

Maybe I've grown too attached that I've mistaken dependency for love. Hindi ko alam. I haven't seen her since. After that day when I talked to her about breaking up, she didn't see me again. She stopped calling. She stopped nagging. She stopped caring.

I don't know... maybe what I did was what's best for both of us. Siguro nga ay matagal na naming gustong mangyari ito... we were just too afraid of what the consequences might be.

Or maybe I made a mistake. Hindi ko alam. Sayang ang napakaraming taon ano? This put me into such a dilemma. Hindi ko alam kung iniisip ko lang ba na mali 'to dahil nanghihinayang ako sa napakaraming taon na bigla kong binitawan. I'm afraid that I will not find another love a great—if not greater—as that.

I need to see her once again just to be sure. I wanted to make sure that I made the right choice.

Here's the tricky part though—how would you tell your ex that you wanted to see her just to be sure that you made the right choice of dumping her?

Ryza, my ex—she's a very understanding person. She understands me so much that no matter how I explain myself, she'll never believe me. She'll believe what she thinks is right—which is usually wrong. But you know how girls are. They are so complicated. Sa tagal naming magkarelasyon, hindi ko sya nagawang maintindihan.

Yes, alam ko na ang gagawin kapag nagtatampo sya. I know what she's feeling when she purses her lips or what she's thinking (more or less) when she's frowning so hard. I know how to make her feel better. I know what saddens her... But in spite all that, I still can't understand her.

Lalo na kapag may PMS sya. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko around her. Palagi syang galit. Marinig nya lang akong huminga, nagagalit na sya.

When I broke up with her, she didn't actually cry. She was contemplating on crying or punching me in the face that time... well, she did the latter. She punched me so hard, I almost fell back. Then she said sorry and left. 

The last sight I have of her was her back turned against me, her hips swaying as she walks away. Her fists were clenched like she's just imagining my neck on her hands as she chokes it.

Man, that sight was sexy. I stopped myself before doing this stupid thing of following her.

Or maybe that wasn't so stupid...

I contacted her mother kase nagpalit na daw sya ng number so I have no way of contacting her. She blocked me on Facebook and in all those networking sites that we have our accounts in.

Nakiusap ako kay Tita to ask Ryza to go to this place where we used to go when we were still together. Nang tanungin ako kung bakit, wala akong maisagot. May tampo sa 'kin ang buong pamilya ni Ryza matapos kong gawin yung ginawa ko so if I tell her my intentions, she'll get mad at me for sure.

So sinabi ko na lang na may ibibigay ako kay Ryza...

Remnants of our old relationship.

And then she asked if I'm sure of my decision and I said yes without even blinking. Right after I said the word though... parang bigla akong nagdalawang-isip. Ang weird. Parang kalahati ng inilagi ko sa mundo ang nawala since I lost Ryza...

Yun ang masaklap kapag masyado ka nang familiar sa isang tao. Nababago yung mind set mo. From 'I've lived alone and I'd die alone' to 'I can't imagine my life without you'.

But I have to put an end to it... whatever it is. I have to go back to being alone... I have to know if there is someone for me out there. Someone who deserves me more than she does.

I want to know if I could exist in a world where she's doesn't exist.

The day of meet up, sa dami ng jitters na nararamdaman ko, parang ayaw ko ng tumuloy. Paano na lang kapag hindi ko napigilan ang sarili ko at yakapin ko sya pagkakita ko sa kanya? Paano na lang kung lumuhod ako bigla sa harapan nya at mag-propose—forever tying myself to her?

Paano na lang kung marealize ko na namimiss ko sya and that my life is not the same without her?

You might be thinking that I need not worry because she might be feeling the same and is just waiting for me to get back to my senses pero... paano kung hindi? Paano kung pareho kami ng na-realize? Na hindi talaga kami para sa isa't isa? Na for the sake of familiarity and dependency lang kaya naging kami.

What if we were both looking for a world outside us?

Ipagdadasal ko na lang siguro na mapanindigan ko ang desisyon ko at sana hindi sya masyadong nasasaktan sa ginawa ko. At one point in time, alam kong minahal ko sya. I just can't figure out if that is the greatest love I've had given that there is nothing to compare it with.

Siguro nga mali sa parte ko na maghanap ng mas pa sa pinagsamahan namin pero hindi ko lang kase yun maalis sa isip ko. Na paano kung nagtatagal lang kami dahil nasanay na kaming kami lang?

If I felt bad after breaking up with her and would feel worse when I see her again... I think I'll know what to do. Kung malalaman ko na hindi ko kayang mawala sya ulit sa paningin ko after seeing her again, then I'd be willing to spend the rest of my life trying to get her back.

That is.... if.

Huminga muna ako ng malalim before entering the premise that we know all too well. Halos kasabay na namin sa pagtanda ang lugar na ito. When we were kids, we used to order ice cream pancakes. Tatlong patong-patong na mainit na pancakes yun tapos may vanilla ice cream sa ibabaw at chocolate or maple syrup na kasama.

Kami ang nagpauso nun eh. Hanggang ngayon, nasa menu pa rin sya.

RyCecakes... Ipinangalan pa nila after us. Ryza and Cedric. Tuwing birthday, monthsary or anniversary namin, on the house lahat ng i-order naming pagkain. Ninong ko sa binyag ang may-ari ng diner na 'to. Magiging ninong ko pa sana sa kasal if I proposed to Ryza.

Ang dami ngang nalungkot nung nag-break kami eh. Funny how people get affected over things that don't concern them. Nagluksa sila... literally. Akala mo humabol sila sa Halloween when they decorated the shop with black curtains and gloomy decors.

Nalulungkot sila. Kase nga naman, naging malaking parte kami ng diner na yun. We helped rebuild the shop ng masunog yun 9 years ago. Kami yung nagbuo ng bagong menu. Kami yung nagdo-donate ng pera for renovations.

Kami yung resident lovers na ipinagkakalat nila ang story sa mga taong kumakain dun. Halos lahat nga sa bayan namin ay kilala na kami at alam na ang buong love story namin. It's sad to see good things come to an end. I mean, why do they have to end di ba? Well, I guess happiness has an expiry date. Yung sa amin lang, akala mo hindi na darating...

"Hi."

Naupo ako sa tapat nya. She was sipping coffee at that time. Hindi na ako nagulat ng makita kong maiksi na naman ang buhok nya. She does that every time we break up. And yes, we do break up from time to time. Pero pinakamatagal na noon ay isang buwan at tatlong araw. Hindi kami makatiis na malayo sa isa't isa eh.

I don't know what changed. Kung bakit ngayon parang mas magaan na sa pakiramdam na magkalayo kami. Maybe it does come with maturity...

"Hello," she replied. "Bakit gusto mong makipagkita?" she asked.

"I had to see you," I answered.

"Why?"

I shrugged. "Ewan ko. Siguro gusto ko lang malaman kung tama ang naging desisyon kong makipaghiwalay."

She blinked and for a moment, I was captivated by the batting of her long eyelashes. Her beautiful doe eyes can control a man into doing what she wants. I've been a slave of those eyes for so many years. Even now, they still have their effect on me though it's not as potent as before.

"You mean you need some sort of closure?" she asked.

I nodded.

Bumuntong-hininga sya bago muling nagsalita. "I guess I need that too."

We fell silent as our orders came in. Same as before, only now the pancakes looked smaller and less appetizing. I remembered how we used to share our pancakes with each other—given na gusto nya is maple syrup and mine is chocolate.

Tinanguan ko yung nag-serve. Si Ate Sheila... naalala ko pa dati, tinuruan nya ako ng ligaw tips na ginamit ko naman kay Ryza. Dito ako unang nagtapat kay Ryza. Dito din nya ako sinagot. After that, nagpa-party sina Kuya Atom (anak ng may-ari ng diner).

Party meaning on the house na ang lahat ng orders ng mga kumakain that time.

Imagine that, sinagot pa lang nya ako. What more kung nag-propose ako sa kanya and she said yes? Or what if we were actually wed? Pamihadong malulugi ang diner sa dami ng perang gagastusin nila just to celebrate with us.

Ngumiti si Ate Sheila sa 'kin before going back to the kitchen. When I followed her with my gaze, saka ko lang napansin na ang dami palang nakatingin sa 'min. Yung mga bata na pinapapasko ko tuwing Pasko. Yung mga kapitbahay naming tsismosa. Yung teacher ko nung elementary...

Isa lang ang nakikita ko sa mga mata nila... and pag-asang balikan ang magaganap ngayong araw.

"Kumusta ka na pala?" tanong sa 'kin ni Ryza, diverting my attention back to her.

"Okay lang naman," sagot ko.

"Missing me?" she asked with a grin.

Ngumiti rin ako, not really sure what to answer. If I say I miss her... would that mean that I miss her or us and the way we used to be? If I say I don't... will she take it badly?

"Slight." I chose the safe answer.

"I miss you too... slight," nakangiti nyang sabi.

We started eating the pancakes to fill in the silence.

"Have you been crying?" I asked her.

She shrugged. "You?"

I smiled in response.

"I guess it's working out for both of us huh?"

"Yeah... I guess." 

"May nakita ka na bang bago?"

"Wala pa... ikaw?"

Umiling sya.

"Ced... if I get married to someone else, will you be my best man?" she asked.

"Only if you'll be my bridesmaid at my wedding," I answered. Ngumiti sya.

"When do you plan to settle down?" I asked her.

"I don't know," sagot nya. "Ikaw?"

I shrugged.

"What if... we both turned 40 and still aren't married?"

"Then I suggest we marry each other."

Natawa sya. "Ano yun? Last choice?"

"Don't you think it's nice if we ended up together after all these?"

"Yeah. I wouldn't mind being your last," sagot nya.

"It's settled then. Magkita tayo after 9 years. Kapag wala pa tayong asawa by then, tayo na lang... okay?" I held out my hand.

She accepted it. "Deal."

With that deal, I went home feeling satisfied. Now I know... I already outgrew that love that I felt a long time ago. I can move on with my life now without any regrets.

Of course, it was only 9 years later when I learned that she didn't really get over me. Exactly 9 years later, dumalo ako sa libing ng papa ni Kuya Atom. I saw her then, still single. May asawa na ako at tatlong anak. We didn't really get the chance to talk... probably because she was trying her best to avoid me.

I thought we parted ways without any hard feelings. I thought we both got that closure we both want. In reality, ako lang pala ang nag-move on. Ako lang pala ang sumaya. 

They said that she cried right after I left the diner. And that she never fell out of love for me. What was dependency and familiarity for me was true love for her. So true, she never got over it.

Kaya pala hindi ko sya mahagilap nung kasal ko.

Kaya pala hindi na sya nagpakita sa 'kin.

Kaya pala nung di sinasadyang nagtagpo yung mga mata namin, for a split second, I saw tears fall from her eyes... which  she immediately brushed away bago sya ngumiti at nag-iwas ng tingin.

I feel awful but what can I do now? Hindi nya kase sinabi. Akala ko okay lang sa kanya. Kahit anong sorry ang gawin ko ngayon wala namang mababago. Things will never be the same...

I chose to walk away. And she chose to let me go.

---fin---