~Kamsi~

_ Everyone always seem to listen to the rumors. They've all forgotten what it really means to know someone _
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That morning, I felt the need to skip school, but my grandmother had made sure that I didn't. She felt I had skipped school more than enough, and she felt I was getting overwhelmed by my paranoia — as she'd called it. Unknown to her, my paranoia was the reason she was still breathing air this very day.

My grandparents would've been history, but Tyrone and I had made sure that didn't happen. We had made it to their room, just in time. And luckily, they were both sound asleep. Although, our unannounced entrance bagged us a real talking-to from them. Most especially, grandma; who felt I had been overly sensitive about the happenings back at home. They almost went overboard the minute they noticed Tyrone's arm and leg. I had to be sincere with them, although leaving the part about sneaking out of the house to meet Tyrone in the Dark Alley. They'd kill me if they ever got to know. In fact, they'd us both.

She understood that I'd just lost my aunt/step-mother, but she also felt I didn't need to drown myself in the grief that accompanied her death. She felt I had to keep pushing, and keep trying to face reality. Because to her? We were all nothing but breathing holograms. And one day, we'd just freeze, and seize from existing. For good.

I took her words seriously, and didn't feel the need to argue. But Tyrone still insisted that we stopped looking for any more clues. He also requested that I went home, but I refused that last part. I would only head home, once I was sure I knew all I needed to. And if I were to be in that house, I wouldn't know sh*t. Luckily, for Tyrone, I had agreed to suspend searching for any more clues... For now, at least. He claimed it was too risky, and that we had gotten lucky yesterday. He claimed that if I got attacked one more time, then I might not be as lucky as the previous times. I might finally get killed, and won't even be able to gather the so-called information — as he had stated. He also claimed that maybe those people kept chasing me because I had refused to quit trying to find out more about them, and maybe if I stopped then they wouldn't be out to get me anymore. At least, for the time being.

I considered his words. Sure, my life stunk, but I still didn't want to die, yet. Maybe before, I did, but now? Now I wanted to live. I wanted to breathe air, and make sure my mom's killer was brought to justice. And to protect my sister. I remembered that before my mom died, she had made me promise her that I would take good care of Kambili. And I did promise her. Although, during those early years of her death, I didn't fulfill that promise. But I was willing to do it now. I wouldn't let her down again.

Fortunately, Tyrone had agreed to get treatment. He had been asked so many questions back at home. His father almost added more injuries to the ones he had, just because the dude took his car without his permission. So what? Parents. They could be so annoying sometimes. And my damned father was a perfect example. He never cared from the start, anyway.

"Kamsi! You've got school. Bia eba!" Grandma yelled from downstairs. I groaned, and lazily got out of bed.
["Come here"].

When I said I didn't want to go to school, they must've thought I was joking. Because I wasn't. I hadn't even gotten dressed yet, and I was still dressed in my pajamas. I was going to frustrate them, until they finally agreed to let me stay at home today. How long could two old people take to scold someone? They couldn't scold me, could they?

"Ah! Why aren't you dressed for school yet?" Grandma asked, and I rubbed my eyes and shrugged.

"Morning to you, Grandma." I said, and she hissed. I made to place a peck on her cheek, but she glared at me, and that was enough to dispose the idea.

"Biko, je kwado. What's your problem?" Grandma glared again. Although she knew I couldn't understand Igbo really well, she still spoke it to me. And I hated it.
["Please go and prepare"].

"I'm not going." I murmured. Grandpa soon came downstairs.

"Good morning, Grandpa." I said, and he nodded in reply. But grandpa didn't reply my greetings.

"Kamsi, go and get ready for school." He said, and I tried my best to maintain my patience.

"I said I'm not going to that hellhole—"

"Language." Grandma cut in, and I rolled my eyes.

"Whatever. I'm not going." I said, yet I knew — deep down in my heart — that they wouldn't take 'no' for an answer. If they wanted me in school, then I was sure I would be in school.

I sighed. "Fine. I'll get ready for school."
There were only four people in this life that could ever get me to do stuff I really didn't want to. And they were: my grandparents, Bili and Tyrone. In as much as I hated that fact, I couldn't get rid of it because they were the only family I had left. As far as I was concerned.

So, when I found my way up the stairs, I muttered angrily about them always succeeding in manipulating me into doing stuff I didn't want to. But at the end, I got dress for damn school. I didn't want to head back to that nightmare called school. Every second felt like the oxygen in me was getting drowned in the hate everyone, besides Tyrone, had for me. Even the teachers hated me, and I didn't even care cause, well, to me they were all a bunch of good-for-nothing arses.

They were all a bunch of two-faced chameleons. When my mom was still alive, and my head was still in one piece, they used to love me. I mean, everybody did. The girls, the boys, even the effing teachers did too. But I wouldn't say I blame them for beginning to hate me though. Because I changed. And I didn't care of they had a problem if I did. They wouldn't understand what I had to go through. The trauma from knowing that your own father was responsible for your mother's death, and yet still flexed his goddamned money in people's faces like no one cared, was actually very upsetting and heartbreaking. I couldn't forget what I saw that day, and it made me realize that people were toxic. They could do the worst things to the ones they loved, or at least the ones they thought they loved.

I started hating everyone, and only averted that hatred from the ones I still cared about. I could still remember how many times the thought of killing my dad came popping into my head at night. It was so tempting and f*ck knows how I was able to overcome said temptation.

Because every night, when no one was watching, I cried my f*cking eyes out. I even prayed to God on some occasions but it never brought any peace. I'd talk to my mom in my head— even though I was basically talking to myself and replying myself with the things that I wanted to hear. Those nights felt like all hell broke loose and demons came to play charades all around me. It felt like nothing made sense and it felt like I was just some stupid copycat replica of what I used to be. Of who I used to be. That sh*t killed me. And if everyone still wondered how and when the old Kamsi died and the devil gave a rebirth of the beast who now hovers this Earth with nothing but pure hate for everyone, then they should really be damned for not knowing that the real beast had been their best friend all along. My own father.

He was such a sneaky snake! I can't even... I can't with his sly attitude. That man sickens me. He disgusts me. Yeah, maybe I felt like a goddamn idiot for hitting him the other day, but I suddenly don't regret a thing. The motherf*cker  deserved it! He deserved all of that and more. Made me feel like the demons from hell really needed to break lose, and all those dementors could real, just for one day, so they could rip his brain out and stuff it into his stupid mouth.

"Kamsi!" This time, grandpa yelled my name so loudly that I feared he might've had a stroke. So without wasting time, I grabbed my backpack and left my room. Off to Eagles Prep. The one place I hated to be.

* * *

I didn't and couldn't understand why everyone kept whispering and making stupid comments behind my back. I felt like I was an ex-convict walking down a secondary school hallway, with all eyes fixated on me like I were on a death-roll but still happened to be alive. It felt like I were some wanted criminal whom everyone couldn't believe wasn't apprehended yet. It felt like it wouldn't take long before someone called the cops on me, and they'd be all around me with handcuffs and friggin Ak-47s. I just couldn't friggin stand the looks and whispers.

A girl, whose name was Uche, bumped into me. And the second she did, she immediately shoved me aside and ran like she were afraid I'd pull a gun outta my pockets and stab her till she were a lump of her own carcass.

Like that wasn't tempting enough.

But I chose to ignore her. Her reactions wasn't so new to me anymore. I wasn't so shocked about the horrified look in her eyes, or the way she trembled when I accidentally touched her hand, or when I grunted in annoyance. I was used to those kinds of reactions because for some reason, everyone in this school believed I was some sort of serial killer.

Yeah, right. If I were, then they wouldn't even be here by now. I would've loved to put an end to their stupid lives.

Unfortunately, Tyrone wasn't even going to be in school today and that sucked. And to add the cherry on top, Kambili wasn't coming either. Like, for real? How in hell's fire was I going to survive a day with a bunch of horrified idiots without my best bud? Just how?!

I sighed.

I see you, devil. I see whatcha doin' to me.

Finally, I made it to my class and took my rightful position at the back. I had no seatmate cause literally everyone in my class were scared morons and couldn't deal with having to sit with me. I was honoured, flattered and equally flabbergasted. But who cares? That didn't even bother me anymore. Tyrone used to be my seatmate though, but the teacher made him move to a roll in front of me; because she felt we both constituted a lot of nuisance during lessons.

If that wasn't amazing.

I had forty-five more minutes before the assembly would begin, and I basically didnt know what else to do except stare in all directions and scowl and at the scumbags that gawked, too disturbingly, at me.

"He killed his own step-mother, can you believe that?" I heard someone whisper. Some senseless moron from our class. A girl, actually. And one I never cared to know her name.

She was supposed to be whispering into the ears of the other girl, who sat and listened with rapt attention, but the idiot was rather screaming than whispering. And on a regular day, I wouldn't care if they were gossiping about me (which, by the way, happened way more times than I could ever count). But today... Today was different because they said something so absurd that it made my blood boil.

"I even heard that he got kicked out of his house cause his family couldn't handle his madness. I still wonder why they haven't admitted him to psychiatric hospital. He needs mental help." The same girl from before continued talking, and the other one gasped.

I felt my head pound with fury, and I gripped my pen so tightly that I feared I'd use it in stabbing her. I couldn't believe all the lies she spat out of her mouth. I knew she was nothing but a jobless gossip, but I couldn't stand the fact that she was saying such utterly absurd things about me. It made me so mad, I couldn't even explain it.

True, I hated my step-mother. But no amount of hate I had for her would make me want to end her life like that. Never. If so, then I would've ended my father's life too; cause the hate I had for him was more than any soul could ever imagine, nor comprehend.

"And his sister? Well, I just pity her because she has such a lunatic as a brother. Kambili is so nice, but who knows? Maybe he'll kill her next. Just like he killed his mother. I—" that did it! I endured all her lies. I endured the fact that she was shamelessly calling me a murderer, I endured the fact that my heart, soul and body burned with so much anger and hate towards this girl, and I endured the fact that she labelled me a mad person. But I couldn't not! I just couldn't not handle the fact that this ugly, godforsaken b*tch had to drag my mother and sister into all her lies. F*ck her for that! F*ck her and f*ck her ugly friend and literally every sh*thead in this school that thought the same too!

I didn't know when I pulled her by her arm and slammed her against the wall. I was so angry and I didn't even know what I'd to her. She was so tiny, I didn't even know where to begin with her. "All you do is spread stupid rumors!" I yelled. I wanted to hit her so bad, gawd! I really did. But I restrained myself from doing that because she was a girl, and only cause she was a girl. After what had happened with my mother, I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't hit girls. And I wasn't about to go back on that just cause of this hideous chihuahua in front of me.

"If you think I'm such a killer, then why the f*ck haven't I killed you yet? Cause I'm sure-as-hell that I hate you so much that it even hurts to look at you right now." The girl gasped, her breathing became ragged, and the fact that I had her sandwiched in-between me and my burning anger, must've made her feeling like passing out. And I was surprised that she hadn't done that yet.

The stupid twat of a girl.

Literally everyone in class began to whisper, some made attempts to separate us both, but the glare I channeled their way must've made them utterly abashed that they just had to step back. "Don't say sh*t about people that you're not sure of. Just don't! You don't know me, you don't know what goes on in my life and I'm definitely sure you just make things up about people for your selfish entertainment. But here's one thing I'll tell you; go get a life! I don't care if you think I'm the devil's first born or some other sh*t you've managed to label me as, but I will not tolerate you bringing my mother, or my sister, into any of your stupid lies. I have nothing, absolutely f*cking nothing, to prove to you!" I huffed in her face and I could feel my blood rise to a thousand degrees, I just wanted to claw her throat and her heart out.

She trembled, even began to cry, and I felt like slapping her just so I'd heighten her tears, but I just couldn't. I had to caution myself, and the largest part of me that felt like stabbing her with a pen. "If you want to spread rumors, then how about you start with how stupid you really are, cause I don't see you topping the class or bagging straight A's. One more f*cking word from you about me or my family, then I swear to God who made me your classmate, I wouldn't mind showing you how much of a real murderer I can be!" With that, I let go of her, and stormed out of class.

All sorts of insults were sent like missiles, towards me, but I didn't even give two sh*ts about all they yelled at me.

"Such a psycho!"

"That means the rumors were true."

"I hope he gets expelled."

"OMG! That boy is mad!"

"He's a bastard for what he just did."

And many more insults and inconsiderate comments were channeled my way.

I felt suffocated, that I just wanted to cry and forget everything. At the same time, I was too mad to let the tears spill. I wanted to scream till my throat burned and my words got jammed in my throat, and I wanted to cuss at everything and literally anything, until the Earth folded and Heaven fell to it's knees. I was so mad that I just wanted to question God on why he hadn't just let me die. I was tired. Both mentally, physically and emotionally. Even spiritually.

I couldn't stand being in a place where nearly everyone in it hated me. I couldn't stand the suffocation and the sadness, the grief, and the uncontrollable anger that rose to my chest and tore down my sense. My heart ached, my eyes burned with unshed tears and my entire body trembled with my anger. I felt like crying, and screaming and probably drowning myself until I couldn't breathe in all these hatred anymore.

This brought me back to my thoughts, earlier. People were toxic. How could someone be in a crowd and yet feel so alone? How could someone have all they wanted and yet feel so empty all at once? How could someone act so happy and yet die of the pain and sadness on the inside? How could someone act so chill about everything and yet be losing their sh*t, like their senses are getting shredded to minute pieces by the minute? Just how?! Friggin how is that possible?!

I didn't even know where I was going. I just walked like a walking corpse, or some demented human with no sanity left, down the school's half-empty hallway. Hands shoved into my pockets, my eyes rooted to the ground and my heart racing with so much pain that it felt like someone had cut my heart open and had given it a tight squeeze to unleash all the pain all over again. My body couldn't take this anymore. My heart couldn't take it anymore. I just wanted some peace, was that too much to ask?

I could've chosen to break out of school and just head home, but even home was an even bigger hellhole. It reminded me of all the grief and reopened old wounds.

I just kept walking, occasionally stumbling on my own two feet, and occasionally feeling like smashing my head against a wall until my brain spilled and my nerves disentangled from each other. I felt all the pain and all the raw, brutal and sour emotions, and yet managed to feel so numb all at the same time. What was this? Madness? I wasn't crazy! How loud did I have to scream it to the entire world to hear?!

I wasn't crazy! I'm no psycho! I was just a depressed kid, with no one to understand. I was just a mentally shaken individual with nightmares that never seemed to end. I was just a emotionally drained soul that was desperately trying to dig himself out of the pit of loneliness and frustrations, grief and anger, misunderstandings and depression, and yet kept falling into that same pit every time he tried. I was no demon, I was just going through real sh*t. Sh*t no one could really understand, no matter how hard they tried. I was no curse either, couldn't the world see that I was hurting? Couldn't the universe see how much I was dying and losing myself, shredding and burning my sanity in my own worries and depression, killing and drowning myself in the same events that led me back to square one, couldn't they see that?!

I was tired. Honestly, I hadn't felt that drained and defeated in a long while. I needed freedom from my own self, yet, I felt so stiff in the same body that seemed to kill me. I needed to bury my mind cause it was ruining me. I just needed to shred that part of me that was still breathing, cause I was afraid it'd be dead soon enough.

I didn't even realize how long I'd been walking to literally nowhere in particular, not until I found myself at the school's courtyard. I could let out my anger now by screaming, but that'd only draw more attention so I had to choke it all down my throat and fuse it back to my dying body.

I wondered why everyone just seemed to believe everything they heard without even trying to get to know the person first. They never tried to really know what was going on, so what the hell did they know about me? What gave them the right to open their gutters, which they mistook for mouths, and say such crude stuff about me? All they knew was that I was a murder and a son-of-a-bitch who went to their school, what did they care? It didn't matter to them, no it didn't. And yet they could really spill trash out of their dirty mouths and utter crap about a person who really didn't need that sh*t going on right now. Gawd! How could human beings be so inhumane sometimes?!

Led me back to the real reason I didn't want to spill my guts to anyone, back at home, in the first place. They really didn't know anything. And they shouldn't cause I didn't want to drown them in my misery. My mind was too dark for any of them to comprehend anything. And I didn't want them worrying so much, even though they still did. I didn't want them really seeing how badly injured I was. How much my soul was begging to be freed from all this misery but yet still seemed to be caged right inside of me. Eating me up, and dragging my sanity against the dust. Swallowing me whole and tearing me apart slowly. Digging through what was no longer there, yet breaking every hope that managed to grow. I was tried of it! Really, really tired.

I slowly took a seat on a bench in the courtyard, and only then did I finally let the tears out. It slid down my cheek, so hot and salty that I really wondered if I'd really tasted what my own misery tasted like. I buried my face in my palms and let the tears all out. I mumbled trash to myself. Trash that I was sure anyone who'd heard me, would be sure that I was losing my mind. Because I was.

Out of the numerous crap I mumbled, the only reasonable one was; "Mom, please help your son. I miss you." And although I knew she wasn't there, and couldn't hear the sappy, pathetic and pitiful nonsense I'd just mumbled, I still felt the need to just say it out loud. Perhaps I was hoping she'd hear and come back to life and wrap her arms wound me and tell me it'd all be okay? Perhaps that was what my stupid brain was thinking, but yeah. That sh*t didn't happen.

And it only hurt even more. Because of the realisation that she was never coming back.

*

I can only feel like a monster for ghosting out for such a long time without giving any updates. I am so so sorry. Please forgive me. I had exams ongoing so I had to really ditch Wattpad and focus. Please, guys😢

Aaaaand to make up for all those times lost, I made an update and it'd interest you to know that it is a really long chapter. But how was it though?

A lil boring?
Did it get you wondering what really goes on in Kamsi's life? Hope it left you wanting more cause I've got so much in stall for you guys.

Ooh! And how about the media up there in the photo box? You like? I made it myself btw🤭

Anyways, you know the drill sweeties. Please vote, and at least leave a comment. It really helps me, please🐻

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