"If it's all in my head, tell me now. Tell me i've got it wrong somehow."
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It's pain everywhere on my body. I feel like i run some marathon because of all the fatigue and soreness i'm feeling as i try to open my eyes. The light evading past my half opened lids doesn't feel bright, it's dim instead.

My throat feels heavy, i feel like groaning but nothing comes out of my throat. I gulp, as i open my eyes fully, making the most out of my surroundings. I'm in my room, there's no light in here, just the dim lights. Is it dark outside or are the curtains pulled close?

"Hana."

I hear a very known female voice from my side and i look up towards the voice  to see a female sitting by my head, on a chair. She's Da Eun. why is she here?

"Oh my God, are you ok?" her worried voice asks me.

"Is she up?" 

The door of my room opens behind me and i hear another female voice- Jae. In a few seconds, she walks up towards where Da Eun is sitting to crouch next to her, by my bed to look at me.

I gulp. I want water. I try to speak but i almost couldn't speak anything, i feel weak.

"Here, drink this," Da Eun picks up a glass of some orange liquid, which i think is juice. 

Jae helps me to get up in sitting position, resting me by the headboard. This time a hoarse groan leave my mouth, feeling my muscles getting into work. 

Da Eun tells me to open my mouth. I do. She places some pill in my mouth. I don't question anything, my mind feel buzzy like i drank a lot last night and i'm having a hangover. 

She then brings the glass of juice to my mouth and i hold it with one of hand. Drinking almost the whole juice from it, i feel my throat getting better. I can speak and that's enough.

 I gulp before asking, "What happened last night?"

They both look at each other, pain in their eyes as if they have seen something really horrible and yet i see helplessness on their faces too.

"It's ok, baby. You don't have to recall it if you don't remember," Jae says and gives a tight smile.

I look in my lap and i'm about to speak when i notice a white bandage on my hand. My eyebrows pinch together when i try to feel my hand as it starts feeling sore now. 

And just then, the train of events from last night crashed in my palpitating mind. 

Everything about the party, Jungkook, Mia, swimming pool and what not, all comes in my mind all at one and the juice i just gulped makes appearance in my throat making me gulp loudly.

When i arrive back home last night, i remember slipping into the episode, I remember holding that glass scrap tightly, on verge of almost killing myself. And i remember seeing Jungkook.

I remember him looking at me like that, not in pity but in shock. Like he was scared, not from me but for me. I remember him panicking, begging me to stop and i also recall myself telling him to kill me. 

I don't remember what happened next. The last thing i know is him looking into my eyes with his glossy ones, red. Not of anger, but of helplessness. Like he was on verge of crying. 

My hands shake. Where is he right now?

But no, he should stay away from me. And there are multiple reasons for that.

I almost killed myself last night, if it weren't for Jungkook to arrive at time. More than that, another scary thought that's killing me alive right now is that i'm dangerous. Have always been for myself, but now i'm scared of me being danger to someone else.

Last night, i was pointing that glass scrap on myself. Looking at him made my brain snap. I wanted to kill him instead. I was begging him to leave because i didn't want to end up being harm to him which i almost was.

When i couldn't do it, i had no other option but to hand it over to him. To end this all with me.

My eyes feel heavy as tears appear on the lining of my eyes. I feel filthy now. A danger. Everyone needs to be away from me.

I sniffle as a tear slips past the lining to stain a clear trails on my cheek.

"Oh baby," i hear Da Eun, but don't look at her. 

They didn't even know that i go into my episodes. I never told them that my mental health is  dangerous. I never wanted to scare them away and because of that fear, i didn't tell them.

Now i feel even more guilty for hiding this from them. I failed as a friend too. 

I sob when she throws her arms around me to engulf me in her warmth. 

"I'm sorry," i sob out.

"What? no, it's not your fault, Hana," Jae tells me and holds my hand, considering she's actually not the type of girl who likes physical touch much. But that warmth is enough for me.

After a few moments of me crying my heart out silently and them holding me, we pull apart. They sit on the bed in front of me. Jae is still holding my hand.

"What actually happened last night? How are you guys here?" i ask.

"We were just done with studies, and were about to sleep when Jae's phone rung from an unknown number. When she picked it up, it was Jungkook calling us," Da Eun answers.

"He was sounding tired, and like he himself was panicking when he asked us to arrive at your place as soon as possible. We were confused but he said that it's urgent. And his off tone made us panic too as we arrive here," Jae completes.

"What actually happened between Jungkook and you, Hana?" she asks me, obviously reading the room that something isn't right. Well, nothing is right.

I... I thought he cheated on me.

I probably would have told them the truth, but i have no idea about this myself yet. I'll need support if that actually is the truth but the thing circles to the fact that i don't know the truth.

My heart constricts. Why does it feel like it's not what i think?

Everything that happened last night wasn't just a coincidence now that i'm thinking. If i wasn't lead by my hefty brain, i probably wouldn't have gone there at first place. Was Jungkook even there? I couldn't find him.

Or maybe no one wanted me to find him.

Or maybe he wasn't even there. 

"What are you doin' here? Jungkook isn't even here!"

My lips parted as i recall what Michael told me, clearly. Then where was he? Why would someone send me that photo? 

But should i trust on Michael on this? He is a friend of Jungkook, why would he not take his side? 

But how i saw Jungkook last night didn't make me feel like it. I was angry, i felt betrayed but when i first saw his face, i clearly remember being relieved. He actually was the only one who could manage me at that position.

If i didn't matter to him, and was just another bed warmer for him, he wouldn't beg me to stop like that. He would've let me die, it wouldn't have mattered to him.

My heart yearns to talk to him. Ask him first at least. And no, this time i'll be rational. Extra careful. He wouldn't manipulate me, if that's what he has been doing since the starting.

I refuse to answer her question, not wanting to confront this right now. So. i ask her instead.

"Well, then? Did he leave after he called you here?" i ask.

"Yeah. He said that  he needs to teach some lessons and then left, after calling some doctor here. By the time doctor arrived, Jungkook wasn't here," Da Eun says and shrugs.

" He did come after few hours... with blood and bruises on his skin. I think he fought with someone," Jae completes and sudden worry rushes inside me.

"Where is he right now?" i ask.

"Here only," Da Eun answers.

"He was sitting with us, waiting for you to wake up. He didn't even sleep last night a-," Jae speaks but Da Eun cuts her.

"Do you care about if he slept last night or not? For all i think, he's the reason for all this," she grits out.

"Well, we don't know anything yet, Eun-ah. We can't say anything. Besides, he wouldn't have been this worried if he was the one who actually did whatever happened last night," Jae  argues, being rational.

"Hana, what actually happened last night?" Da Eun asks me again and i sit there, stunned. I don't know what to answer because yes, Jungkook did me wrong but like Jae said i actually don't know it for sure.

Besides something in me tells me to not fall for lies. I don't know if the lie is what Jungkook tells me or what i saw in that photo last night.

"No, give her time. She just woke up, let her take her time," Jae tells, calmly like she usually is. She's a patient person, carries a mother like aura around. She doesn't like forcing someone into something and she has heard whole her life that sometimes people just need some time.

"Yeah, so he can barge in any moment and start with his manipulation again?" Da Eun snickers, her own past experience reflecting out.

"Guys," i jump in before Jae could say anything and stretch this, "Don't argue because of me, please. This is certainly not what i want."

Da Eun sighs and Jae keeps her usual composure like nothing actually happened.

"Where is he right now?" i ask again.

"Don't give a fuck- ow!"

Da Eun speaks but Jae elbows her rib to shut her up.

"Downstairs. Talking with his dad, i guess, on call," Jae tells me.

"You listened?" Da Eun asks, her eyebrows shoot up.

"Hm, he was talking about Hana to him while calling the other person 'dad'. So, i think his dad knows about you," Jae looks into my eyes and the fact gives me warmth in my chest for some reason.

"You were sneaking on him?" Da Eun's shrieking voice asks.

"No girl, what's wrong with you? You were the one who wanted me to fetch a glass of water for you few minutes back," Jae answers, annoyingly.

Da Eun's lips part as her eyebrows straighten, finally realizing. Her reaction makes a small giggle rumble in my throat but i don't do it. Instead i just smile.

"Oh yeah," she recalls and Jae shakes her head.

Just on the cue, the door of my room opens.

My gaze lands on a huge body of the man that makes my heart skip more than just a beat. The black t shirt hugs his muscles perfectly. He looks attractive as ever, but he still doesn't look the same.

There is a band aid on his right cheek, a tiny scratch on his forehead and a bandage wrapped around his knuckles. When i look into his eyes, i almost feel like hugging him into my embrace. 

No, he hasn't actually slept the whole night. There are slightly black circles under his eyes, hooded with heavy  exhaustion. I don't see any life in them. Not until his eyes land on me. Awake and sitting. Looking finer than he is right now.

His hooded lifeless eyes soften on seeing me. There's a jerk in his action as he resists the urge to run to me and have me in his arms. 

"Fuck, peach, are you feeling alright?' his worried heavier than before voice reaches my ears.

Suddenly everything about last night floods into my mind. As he starts moving towards me, i straighten in my place. Contrary emotions jumble up in my mind. Belief, disbelief, lies, truths, guilt, rage and what not.

"Stop. I feel like you should see that she needs space right now," Da Eun gets into protective mode.

I do need space. From him or with him? I don't know yet.

"I don't care about what you feel like, all i know is that you two must leave us alone. For just a moment, at least," Jungkook says, trying to sound stern but his lack of energy stops him.

"Leave you alone with her? I don't want her to be in same space with you considering you're the one who did all this. It's you who made her do what she almost did last night, we almost lost her because of you!" she yells at him as Jae intervines to stop her again.

No, it's not him who made me slip into that state. 

"Da Eun wait...," i stop her.

All the three pair of eyes look at me but i only hold my best friend's gaze. I needed to stop this fight. I could see Jungkook getting angry and he wouldn't physically hurt any of my friends, i know, but i don't want them to fight over me, over something that's on me to decide.

I myself need explanations. I know what i saw. The photo was of him but seeing him right now, my heart wants to listen to him. I don't know if it's the right decision but what if i actually end up ruining something because of something that might not exist. 

If i don't listen to him right now, there's almost zero guarantee that he will leave me alone. Probably for now, he might but after a few days, he will come back. And i will regret this.

If i listen to him right now and he ends up proving me that whatever that i saw last night was true, then i'll regret too again. Either way, i'm bound to it. So it's better to listen and make a decision.

"I want to talk to him," i tell my friend.

They know about my past with Mingyu. They don't know the whole story but they can see similarities in what's happening right now. Their protectiveness is valid, but i know that this is different.

What Jungkook and i have, or maybe had, is different. So, i deserve to know.

"What? Seriously? After what happened last night?" she asks me and Jae comes to hold her arm.

"It's ok. You two talk, we'll be downstairs," Jae speaks.

I nod and look down in my lap, not having it in me to look at him now.

"Are you sure?" Da Eun asks. 

"Yes. Please," i say.

"Fine, but if you need us just scream loud. We'll listen downstairs," Da Eun says and i look at her to see her throwing daggers throw her eyes at the man standing by the doorway.

Following her gaze, i look at him too. Only to find him staring at me already. Even through soft gaze, i feel goosebumps raising on my skin. I gulp and look at my friends again.

"Ok," i nod and just like that i see Jae dragging Da Eun out of the room while whispering something to her.

When they're out, Jungkook shuts the door. Anxiety ripples through me as he takes every step towards me. I want to question him, yes, but i don't know, there's this weird feeling in me to just stay shut and hug him close to me and sleep in his arms. More like let him sleep in my arms. He looks exhausted.

But still, for the sake of my already fucked up mental health i need to know answers. Trusting him or not is a question to be answered afterwards. For now, i need to listen to his answers for my own sake.

I see Jungkook's droopy self cross by the bed to come to my side, all the while looking at my face. On reaching me, he sits down right in my front so that i'm face to face with him.

I see his tiny scratches here and there, along with these light bruises. My hands itch to trace them.

"How are you, hana?" he asks me softly and i resist myself to get carried away.

"Where were you last night?" i ask him. That's the main question. 

I look at his face, hoping for truth.

He sighs, "After uni, i went to the gang's headquarters. From there, the whole evening till i got the call from Michael, i was at a meeting with Jae Sung regarding some inside deal," he answers, looking into my eyes.

"Liar," i mumble. 

If he wasn't at the party then how did i get that photo? There's a possibility that he must be somewhere else with her. 

"I know, Hana," he sighs again, "I know you won't believe me, and it's not your fault. I was painted like the bad guy in the email that you received but i-"

I snicker. Of course, he looked into my phone which isn't with me for as far as i remember. It gave him enough time to collect stuff for himself, hadn't it?

"So, you invaded my privacy yet again to use it against me?"

His eyebrows crease, "Against you?" he asks.

"There hadn't been or will ever be any situation where i'll use something against you, Hana. I know what you saw, what you were made to believe and i know that it's hard for you trust, but let me explain myself...," he explains.

Why is he even here? There are hundreds of girls behind him. One glance and anyone will be his. Why is he here begging to be heard, looking like he has been fighting since the moment he saw me like that?

He could do it, unless he doesn't want it.

I look at his face as he holds my hands. I have always seen him forcing his presence, his words and his feelings on me. But right now, it's the first time he's asking for it. At least right now, don't know if it'll stay if i refuse.

"Please, Hana," he requests.

The desperation in his eyes makes it difficult for me to say no to him. 

I nod, "So, where were you last night?"

"I was at the meeting the whole evening. I got a call from Michael telling what happened in the party and that you've left with his car. I straight came to your place to see you right after that," he explains.

"And i know you would need some evidence to prove my side of story about not being at the party," he continues and inches closer towards my body. And like i should've inched back from him, i actually didn't. 

He unlocks his phone to show me chats of his with Jae Sung about the meeting. I take the phone out of his hold to check it for myself and he doesn't protest. I carefully read the time and date of the chat. They have been talking about the meeting at this one 5 star restaurant. Jae Sung even asks him about the party to which Jungkook refuses because the meeting is more important, like he typed.

But this is not enough proof. This can be fake, made recently to prove his point. He is part of such massive gang, forging evidences like chats is really easy for them. 

Looking at the screen, i think. This is not enough.

"I have camera evidences too," Jungkook speaks and i look up at him.

I don't say anything yet, giving him his phone back. Let's see. 

Some part of me so badly wants him to prove that he's innocent.

After a few scrolls, he finds what he wants to show me. My heart hasn't taken a calm breathe since this has started- the proving himself, in front of me.  Still, i need to wait. 

His face appears brighter from the brightness of his phone screen illuminating on his skin. Even with scars on his face, he looks ethereal. I lick my lips, gaining my composure to not get carried away.

"Here," he hands the phone to me like a good boy, "See the date and time. It's the whole recording of the meeting which went for hours."

The recording is of more than two hours which start at the time 5:15 pm. I skip through the whole video of two hours, checking in between the scenes to see any change. The only change in the starting and by the end is that he took his leather jacket off mid meeting while talking about stuff that i can't hear and probably isn't in the recording because of privacy reasons.

The recording is followed by another recording of him in parking lot which he enters with Jae Sung. I see how he was about to get into the car when he gets a call, probably from Michael like he told me. I see him loosing his cool, i can't see his face but his body language gives it away. He gets in the car and drives it away, making him leave the frame.

Can cctv recording be fake? 

I've never heard of anything like this before.

"I wasn't at the party last night at that time, Hana,. Neither was i with Mia. She isn't even in the country at this point of time.  She's in Japan, has been there since last four days," he says and i look him with a frown. Is it?

Jungkook puts his hand into the pocket of his pants to fish out my phone. Of course, he has it. But wasn't it at the party? How did he get it?

"Where'd you get my phone from though?" i ask him.

He hesitates a moment before telling me but then he speaks, "After putting you to sleep, calling your friends and my personal doctor here, i went to the party. I got the phone from there."

"Did you fight with those guys?" i ask him, their horrible faces flooding in my mind making me sick to my stomach again.

"Yup, i did beat them up. It was ugly. Police came out of nowhere. Had to go to the station, ended up causing a scene there by punching Jae Sung when he came to bail us from there. Dad was called too, but he understood," he explains the train of events.

"Understood what?"

"My impulsiveness when it comes to you," he answers.

I gulp again. "So what about that photo?" i ask.

"It is real, but it's an old photo. Almost a year and half old," he answers and unlocks my phone like it's an everyday errand for him.

"I'm sure Mia posted about that party night on her instagram. We both have blocked each other recently, so i can only show it to you through your id," he explains.

Just in a moment, he goes to search bar in my Instagram app. My mind suddenly rushes and my eyes widen when i realize something but it was too late now. He's already seeing my search history. Well, it isn't like he didn't know about it already, right?

My search history has only few accounts. On top sits his own, which i stalk almost everyday multiple times. On second is Mia's. Yeah i stalk her too sometimes. It's weird to stalk your boyfriend's ex but i did. Embarrassing but i can't do anything right now.

I look up at Jungkook with red cheeks. Well it isn't like he doesn't stalk me, he always does. Isn't it? 

I see a slightest of smirk making his lips twitch after seeing me stalking him on Instagram but he immediately hides it because of the situation we are in right now. It's easy for him now, he already got her id sitting on top. I practically reduced his work.

Scrolling through Mia's instagram, he goes down in her posts. In a few agonizing seconds, he finds a post and gives me my phone to look. It's a group photo. There are many guys and fair number of girls in it. 

I can see Jungkook, he's the first i look at when my gaze landed on the photo. He's wearing his usual leather jacket with black jean like that in the photo i saw of his with Mia. I look for Mia in the post to see her standing behind Jungkook. She's holding his shoulders, pouting towards the camera like a party girl.

A tinge of jealousy flows through me but i focus on more important thing. I see her wearing red sleeveless sparkly dress. The similar one i saw in the photo i was emailed last evening.

Well, it can't be just a coincidence, right?

I close the app and scroll towards the mails section to find the mail that i got last night to confirm my doubt.

"The mail isn't there anymore," Jungkook tells me.

"You deleted it?!" i ask. Why would he delete it if he didn't have anything to hide?

"No. The sender itself deleted it. I couldn't even find the mail in deleted history of the sender by myself. I had to take help of my friend, so i do have the mail which was sent to you. I've sent it on your number," he says.

Why is he so ready with everything? This much evidence can only be with someone who's completely right, or has something to hide. 

But then again, why would he hide stuff from me? If he was a cheater after all, he should've left me as he has already 'used' my body. He should've dumped me with load of trauma like he did with other girls i've heard about. It would've been easier for him.

As i scroll to messages to see his message with the file of restored email, my mind is still in dilemma. If i think about it, i have nothing against Jungkook. And it's because there actually isn't anything that would make him the bad guy, the cheater and the heartbreaker that i thought he might be, on basis of what i've been through in past.

"Hana, listen to me," Jungkook talks to me, seeing me stuck in my thoughts by  grabbing my hand and inching even closer to me so that we're mere inches away.

"I know why you're worried, baby, but i would never do anything like that to you, not intentionally and neither unintentionally," his hand caresses my hand and i sit there, stuck.

"Please believe me with this. Last night, when i saw you with that glass scrap in your hand. I... I was scared. I have never been that scared in my life, my peach, but the mere thought of losing you made me feel like the world has crumbled down in front of me."

"You're the only one i need, the only one i'm interested in. I've said this many times before too and i would say it again that there's no one else but you, my peach," he explains.

My throat constricts. "B-But who would send me that photo of yours? How did they have that picture, which like you said is an old one? Why would someone keep it to use it against you someday?" ask because although Jungkook's words feel like truth, there is so much that doesn't make sense.

"I don't have any idea, yet. But i'm trying to find who did that."

"Don't you have any suspect?"

He nods, "I do, but i need to be 100% sure to point my finger at him."

"Wait, you think it's Jae Sung?" i ask.

"Yes, he warned me about my impulsiveness after i  beat up those guys for eve teasing you that evening," he answers.

It kind of makes sense. Jungkook won't let go of me, and the only way he can leave me is if he gets scared like he did last night. The one behind this wants me to leave Jungkook. That can be the only right explanation if whatever Jungkook is telling me is right.

I shrug, "It's better if you leave me."

Although my heart pains to say this, but i'm not strong enough to go through this. Jungkook must be right, i'm almost sure he is, but the last thing i want is to be a threat to myself or my close ones. I relapsed after so many years and it makes be feel filthy, weak and coward again.

I can't live like this. Yes, i'll need days to get back on track but i think, i will be alright with time. I think.

"That's not happening. That's never happening, Hana. You're meant to be with me and i'll turn the world upside down if it means to keep you with me," he says, i see his soft eyes turn stern.

"But... it's dangerous. I'm dangerous," my voice shakes at the end and i know i'm going to cry. Tears start accumulating in my eyes as i look at his face.

"No, you're not. After last night, forget any of your tiny attempts of making me stay away," he warns me, his usual self coming out after a few minutes' appearance.

"I'll be there when you'll be ready for help, i'll stay," he says as he cups both my cheeks. I lean in to his warm touch, it feels so good.

I look up at him. He think i need medical help? Well, he isn't wrong though. 

I know i need it but i don't want it to be temporary like the last time. I don't want to be alright as long as i'm in the therapy with the therapist, and then move to being more than ever depressed when i'll be alone.

"I know it's hard for you, baby, but i'll help you. I'll take care of it all. Your meds, therapies or at moment you might end up being stuck in your head, i'll snatch you out of there. I'll hold you when you'll feel alone and shut that brain with better things when it'll start throwing negative things at you."

I know it's my decision to make and after the thick air of the incidents that happened recently would've disappeared, I would've thought about this too, because I know for the fact that I'm becoming dangerous.

And it's best to push this away, and not others from me.

"I do need help, but I'm scared. Whenever I'm alone, I end up slipping into it slowly by slowly until I get into the phase where I have to take sleeping pills to stop thinking. I don't want something that ends up being a temporary thing. It makes me hate being alone here," I tell him, genuinely.

" I know. I already know what to do with it," his hopeful eyes look at me.

" What? "

"Move in with me. "

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I thought this chapter will not be more than 2k to 2.5k words but whoops it's more than 5.2k now TT.

I hope you like it. The story has been kinda slow, but it's necessary for plot plus character development. Did you see differences in the characters? The spicy stuff is coming in again slowly.

Please vote and comment for the sake of my mental health!

Also, are you guys watching are you sure?! I hope you are! It's so fuuuuunnnnnn.

Until next update!

~Aster🌸