"You can't run from the shadows when you live in the dark"
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My eyes pinch before I find my mind drifting out of the sleep.

I feel warm, like every morning but there's slight ache in my head. I open my eyes slowly to look around. I'm in my room, of course. The curtains are drawn apart, soft light is pouring into my room. There's snow at the window sill. It might've snowed last night.

I try sitting up and groan. Why do I feel so weird.

"You're up, Hana," sudden voice of Patricia startles me in my bed.

With my hand on my chest, I turn my head to the other side to see her walking through the open door with a glass of juice and some pill in her hand.

Why? What happened? Why is her voice so scared?

I try to think, looking down at my hands when everything came running back to my mind.

My eyes widen. The last thing I remember is shooting that knife at him standing in the hallway. I don't remember if it hit him but the sudden panic of trying to kill him, willingly, had me black out.

"Fuck," I whisper groan as I brush my lose hair out of my face.

"Are you feeling good?" she asks.

I nod and then notice an IV on the back of my hand. Did it get this bad? For me? What about Jungkook?

"How's he?" I ask, looking up at her as she hands me the glass and keeps the pill on my hand.

"Fortunately, your aim is really bad. So he's completely fine, at least he looked like he was," she tells me.

I nod and take the medicine.

"You blacked out because of the sudden shock and panic. We took you to the hospital and the doctor suggested IV therapy. The injury wasn't much critical so when it was done, doctors were fine with bringing you back home," she explains.

"That much happened all while I was unconscious?" I ask, kind of hating the fact that I made them worry this much.

Especially Jungkook. He was injured, still healing himself. When he came here, I pushed him out the hardest way, tried to kill him.

I promised him that I won't ever be dangerous to him but I broke it. I tried to harm him.

I guess some promises are hard to keep.

I grip my hair in frustration.

"What have i done," I whisper, loathing myself for everything that happened yesterday.

"Nothing really bad, but you did hurt him, dear. He was silent the whole way, just kept looking at you if you were fine. Sticked by you in the hospital though I could see that he's sleep driven. Poor child was driving half of the day," she shakes her head and sits by the edge of my bed.

" Is he... Is he gone? " I ask.

My attention stays at her face. I don't know what I want to hear from her. This is complicated. Way more than I  thought It'd be.

"Not really. He's not in the house but he hasn't left either. He's outside, in his big hulk like car-— what was the name? He did tell me, I forgot but yes, he's there. He said he'll only leave with you," she tells me.

I squint my eyes at her. She raises her eyebrows.

" No, like you told him you'll leave the country tomorrow, so he'll leave only when you'll leave the mansion, " she clarifies.

So he is done with this?

" That's... great, " I murmur.

He won't come after me? Is he done with wanting me back? Has he realised how I was right?

I mean that's good. That's what I wanted, right? Especially after yesterday, how can I even look into his eyes.

He must hate me.

I tried to kill him, intentionally or not. It's his courtesy that he didn't leave me after I collapsed and did everything he did at night. But that doesn't mean that he's not hurt.

He was hurt already and I've hurt him more.

"Did he eat anything?" I wary.

I might be distant but not cruel. I've already tried to hurt him, I can't do anything of that sorts again. I don't know why he'll stay here and hasn't left already.

Does he think that I'll change my mind?

He shouldn't think that. I'd have changed my mind yesterday if it were to happen, now I can't. It's done. I'm to go and never return truly.

But right now that he's out there, it's better if he eats something because he was injured before he came here. He might need his pills— if he brought those with him, and for that he needs food. Besides, it's cold outside. The car of his must be warm enough but his body needs to be warm from inside.

"He did. I did let him eat before he left," she tells me and nods.

"Oh and your mother called," she remembers.

My heart drops as I ask, "Do they know what happened last night?"

"No, the boy suggested against it, said you'll not like it and until it's really serious, let's not call them."

"Oh," I sigh in relief, "Then why?"

"Well tomorrow's your flight and you promised them to be home before leaving for airport with them. Hence they were asking if you'll be coming," she explains.

"I don't think I can drive that long right now," I think.

"I told them how you didn't sleep all night and slept early in the morning so you were still sleeping. They said to not worry because they've decided to come here and leave from here tomorrow only."

I sit up straight. Eyes wide and stomach uneasy.

"They coming here?" my shock audible.

"Yes. It's been like two hours since then, they must be on their way, doll," she tells me, her eyes soft.

"Oh no, if they see Jungkook out there, it'll be bad. And they'll notice by looking at me that something's wrong. I still have the IV, I must look sic-"

"Don't worry, Hana. You have plenty time. It snowed last night, they might get a little late. You can get up, freshen up, I'll make breakfast for you. You'll be fine, OK?" she explains as she comes closer and strokes my cheek.

I look up at her, rouring heartbeat. I sigh and then nod.

After talking some more about the coming day and how we also need to start packing soon, she finally leaves my room.

Soft lighting and the completely wooden interior provides calm to my nerves. My body aches slightly but I suddenly feel like taking a hot bath to calm myself and think a little.

I unpeel myself off the thick coat of blankets over me. I'd rather sleep with five blankets than a massively thick ones which are heavier than I am.

When I'm done, I set my bare feet down at the warm wooden floor. I sigh and then look at the glass of juice and the pill Patricia kept at the night stand for me. I quickly take it and gulp the juice down in one go.

Standing up, I find my balance and move towards the window. I don't think it can open with all the slow in front of it, I don't intend to either. I just down want to look out.

Look at him.

His car is there, parked right in front. My room is on the first floor of the mansion, so I have to look down at it. It's not really far, I could easily see him if he  didn't have tinted windows or pulled them down.

I just stand there, looking down at the black G Wagon of his. Once upon a time, I used to give him company in there, now I'm here— looking at it from afar. I don't know if he can see me looking through the window. He might be sleeping, he might not be in there.

And I don't even look around to find him.

This is good. Distance is good.
It's better if it stays like this.

· · ─ ·𖥸· ─ · ·

I pout contemplating, but Da Eun was the one who literally warned me about him so it ain't like Jae doesn't know that she told me already.

My lips curl up into a smile at the joke but the sudden gut curling realisation made the smile drop almost as soon as it appeared. I did try to kill him.

Not my proudest moment.

Warmness spreads my chest.

I miss them here, it would've been fun with them but as the finals are approaching, they shouldn't afford to waste so many days on me. It's ok that they will be there to see me off.

I keep the phone down on my bed and again walk towards the window to look at the G Wagon standing there. It's getting dark, the sun has set but I didn't see even a tiny glimpse of him through the car. Is he even in there? Or is it just because the glass of the car is tinted?

A knock on the door startles me and I quickly pull the curtains together before turning around.

"Y-Yes?" I stutter, my heart in my throat.

"Dinner's ready, sweetie," mom's sweet voice comes from the other side.

"I'll be there," I say and the I hear the footsteps leaving.

Why does this feel like an illicit act of yearning?

· · ─ ·𖥸· ─ · ·

I put my jacket inside the bag neatly and then go for another piece of clothing.

"Just pack what's important, you can always buy new clothes out there, sweetie," mom sighs as she helps me.

It's the morning of The day.

The day that I'll be leaving for good. Well, I'll not be leaving on my own. My parents insisted to travel with me to France and I don't resist them. I like it that they'll be there. I'll be living alone in a foreign country for God knows how many years. It's better if I get settled in there nicely and on my own, I might just get a panic attack the moment I'll set a foot on the land after long flight.

They'll be staying in France for a week and in a way, it'll serve as a little vacation for them considering it's been years and years since they last went on some before. Even when they're out of country, it's always business.

Even though it's because of me, they'll find a little escape too. I'd like to see them feel free too.

"I'm packing important stuff only, mom. These are my favorites," I whisper and continue packing, blocking any unnecessary thought from my mind.

I could've packed it all yesterday or even before but I didn't. I waited till today not as some act of procrastination but because I wanted my brain to be too busy today to think about anything straight.

It's good to just pack everything quickly in hurry, then leave the mansion in a few hours, a thought less sleep on the way to airport and then just leave.

That's the plan.

And to commence that, I hadn't looked outside the window since I woke up.

I wouldn't.

I pray he has left.

"What's this jacket? I think it's too big for your size," mom says as she brings the leather jacket towards me.

It's his.

I was wearing this when I sat in his car for the first time and he taught me how to swim. The memory is beautif-

No.

We don't think about it.

" It's baggy, Jae gifted me, "I answer.

" Oh. Yeah, she wear clothes like these, " she keeps them on my bed and continues helping me.

In an hour, I'm done with packing. I look at the clock— it's a little 10 am. We'll be leaving in less than an hour. The ride to airport is of two hours, considering it's near from here than back home. The flight is at 4 pm.

I sigh and then sit on my bed. My chest feel uneasy ever since I've woken up. Is it excitement? Anxiety? Doubt? Relief? I don't know. I'm just going with the flow so that it all happens, I just need to get past this day.

I'll be alright.

"You always have this habit of keeping work to last minute," mom says and sits next to me.

"Helps me beat anxiety, keeps my brain busy," I answer her, honestly.

I look at her and she looks at me. Her soft features soften even more. I don't know how she does it but every time I look at her, she looks even more angelic. Dad often compares how I look like her— I doubt it. She's brave, soft, strong, motherly all at the same time.

I'm a mess. Even i look like mess.

She caresses my head with her soft hands. Her eyes hold admiration for me.

"Are you proud of me?" I ask her, my throat constricting.

"Why, always, honey," she coos, her eyebrows pinching.

"Are you content, Hana?" she asks, her hand still playing with my hair.

I look at her, trying to think of an answer. She holds my stare, expecting an answer.

I sigh and fall back, my back colliding with the soft mattress, hair splawed out behind my head. I look up at the wooden ceiling, the golden lighting of the room.

I gulp, "I'll be."

"I pray that you do," she says and she smiles at me.

I can tell she wants to talk more about it, ask me stuff but she can't. She doesn't want me to be under pressure. What she doesn't know is that every damn second I feel like a ticking bomb.

She stands up as I keep laying on the bed and watch her form looking around the room.

This room used to be hers when she used to be a child. She has always had connection with it but she gave to me when we first came here, said it helps in emotional bonding.

"I should go tell your father to be ready. It's less than an hour until we leave," she announces and leaves the room with a smile on her lips and a frown on her eyebrows.

I continue staring up at the wooden ceiling, feeling my heart beat inside me, counting my breathes like my life depends upon them. My feet on the mattress feel uneasy.

There's an ick.

I want to rub it off.

I want to walk to the window and pull those curtains apart and see if he's there or he has left.

Am I doing the right thing?

I mean after tomorrow, I probably am. I can't afford being danger to someone else. I've already done it to myself. The fact that he himself maintained difference shows he's over it too. He wouldn't want to be with a crazy chick who might end up killing him someday.

I probably did it. I pulled the last string, struck the nail into the coffin. I've done it. I've pushed him away forever.

It's for better.

Another knock on the door pulls me out of my thoughts. The door opens and from my bed, I look at Patricia entering the room with a small bag in her one hand and small Maria in another.

I sit up and watch her walk towards me.

"How are you feeling, darling? Took your meds for the morning?" she asks, a little clumsy with her fingers like she's nervous as she hands me the kitten.

I gently hold her as she purrs in my hands. Can she sense that I'll be leaving her? I dont want to, truly, and I can't take her. It'll be a hassle, besides I don't want her to feel sick in a new country. She  is habitual to here.

"Yeah, I did. I feel better," I tell her and then ask her to sit with me.

"I'll miss this little thing," I coo as Maria played with my fingers.

Patricia chuckles, "She'll miss you too, and well, I'll too."

She has been the perfect company to me. She gave me space when I needed, was there for my every need and her motherly nature has kept me not getting homesick.

"I'll miss having you around too," I sat and look at her.

Even though I stayed with for very few days, she was still everything I needed.

"Uh, I brought you little something," she says, shy with her bubbly cheeks pink.

She hands me the paper bag she was carrying. I smile at her, my eyes shining a little finally. I look inside it and my eyes widen.

"Oh my holy mother, this is so pretty!" I pull out the yellow cardigan from inside the bag, a big smile on my face.

"Did you knit this?" I ask, still looking at the beautiful white daisies on the yellow cardigan.

"Yeah, I did my best," she giggles.

"You're amazing, Patricia! This is the most beautiful cardigan I've ever seen."

"oh don't flatter me, darling. You were leaving so I thought a little gift would be nice."

"It's perfect, thank you, Patricia," I sigh with a big smile and fold the cardigan again.

I'll take it with me. It's so me. I'll wear this in France.

"I'm glad you loved it. And I'm glad to put a smile on your face since the... incident," she says, her face proud.

I sigh, "Well yes."

I couldn't stop myself as I ask.

"Did you see him today?"

She smiles.

"Yes, I have to feed the lad who isn't leaving until you do," she rolls her eyes playfully.

"Well, he'll have to leave soon then," I say as I pack the cardigan into my luggage.

There's a pause which takes my attention to Patricia chubby frame sitting on my bed.

"You're right, darling," she sighs and smiles, looking down at her hands.

"It's for better," I gulp, "He can't ruin his future for me, I can't live a life full of uncertainty either."

"You've grown up to be really practical, Hana, and I'm very proud of you. I remember you running to my cottage when you'd come here to take my fairy tale books and making snowman prince for yourself," she says, her tone warm.

"Well, it's good to act practical in my age," I tell her, my voice as soft as it can be.

"You're right but think of it, Hana. When you think of your future you've decided, do you feel like you won't regret."

"Humans are animals of regret, Patricia. I might regret the other way too. I might regret staying too."

She softly chuckles, "Practical."

I smile and shrug.

"Besides he won't be back for me. I tried to kill him and he saw me for how worse I can get. He might understand now," I whisper.

"Oh Jesus, do you think he's there in cold, in his car, not eating properly, looking like a ghost because you somehow scared him?" her voice a little shrilly, like she's in disbelief.

I shrug.

"Darling, you're so wrong. He's there because he doesn't want to be the reason you get worse after all the efforts you've made in yourself. He's there because he doesn't what to be the reason you start hating yourself again, because he can't be the one you bring out your worst for. He was meant to protect you, heal you, but now that he's seen that he's destroying it all, he's out there. Taking in his defeat against the one that he— truly cares for, " she rants.

" How do you know all that?" I ask.

" That's what he was constantly telling you when you blacked out that night and we had to take you to hospital. He was just staring at you the whole time there, by the time we were coming back, I knew he'd be gone. At least from this mansion," she answers.

I sit still. I keep looking at her.

This is ridiculous. Why is my heart fluttering? It shouldn't. I've made my mind.

" Hana! C'mon, we need to load the things in, " I hear my dad's voice from downstairs.

I stand up, Patricia stays sat in my bed. I hand Maria back to her. With my increased heartbeat, I hold my bag. It's heavy but I can take it. I can load it into the car and leave with it.

This baggage, no matter how heavy, is still something I can deal with.

"It's too late, Patricia," I tell her.

Probably tell myself too.

I grunt as I pick the bag from the bed and put it down on the floor. I grab the handle of it, pulling it up so that I can drag it across the floor with me.

Once it finds its balance, the tiny wheels roll and I move. My eyes feel heavy, throat feels heavier and heart feels heaviest.

I'm leaving, truly.

Once I reach the door of my warm room, I open it to exit. Just then Patricia's voice stops me.

"I just want you to be sure if you're moving on or just moving away, dear."

· · ─ ·𖥸· ─ · ·

The whole ride to airport was a mess. A gut curling, head crashing and nerve wrecking mess. I almost wanted to throw up like dozen times on the ride of two hours. All the time I was looking out of the window, at the snow decorating the sides of the road and just thinking if I'm doing this right.

I'm replaying the conversation I had with Patricia in my head over and over again.

Moving on? Moving away? Same thing, isn't it?

It doesn't feel like it anymore. I don't even know what I'm doing.

When we finally reach, dad and the driver who brought us here unload the bags from the trunk. Outside, the air is harsh but it's not windy. I don't see any heavy clouds that might snow. There's no way the flight will be cancelled.

The flight will take off. We will be leaving for sure.

Mom stands next to me, rubbing her hands to warm them.

"It's been so long since we last went on vacation, thanks to you I might get time to spend with my always busy husband," mom chuckles.

As much as my chest warms at how happy she is, I don't really feel content. Unease is all I feel.

"What happened? Are you OK? You look pale, sweetie," mom checks up on me.

I look at her face and my eyes almost brim with tears. I gulp them down. Why do I feel so scared? Is it the anxiety of shifting to another country? But I'm going with my parents, I love their company.

" I-I'm scared, " I stuttered.

It's cold. Even beneath so many layers of clothing, I feel like freezing.

"What is it? Tell me, baby, you know you can, right?" she holds my extremely cold hands, she even flinches how icy they feel.

"Two nights back," I speak, then contemplate.

My mom isn't sneaky. If I tell her something very personal, I can bet on my life she won't ever tell dad.

"He came to the mansion," I start again.

I keep looking at her face to not see any change in her reaction. It's like she knew.

"Hm," she hums,"I guessed it when I saw you yesterday."

"He said he'll leave the gang for me," I voice it.

Her eyebrows raise.

"Now that did surprise me."

"But I don't want him to, Mom. He has worked too hard for it."

"Did you tell him?"

"I did, but he wasn't listening."

"What did you do?"

I almost killed him.

"I yelled at him, Said some really hurtful things and pushed him out," I answer, keeping the obvious detail away. The detail that has been eating me alive.

"Are you OK with that?"

"Of course not. I hate it, I made him hate me."

"Isn't that what you wanted, baby?"

I gaze at her. Yes, I wanted this. To push him away forever so that he moves on with his life and leaves me. Now that it has happened, why does it feel uneasy?

"You know, life is always like this. At every single moment, you are standing at the centre of two separate roads. You are always making decisions, smallest to biggest. Either way you go, things work out. But there's always a way where think look right, feel right. And Hana, my darling, no one ever can lead you on these roads. People advice, gives discretions, give you hugs and condolences on your way, but they don't have the right to lead you, show you the right path. It's always on you, " she says.

"Right now, you're on a battlefield. There's an internal battle between your heart and your brain. Who you listen to is also your decision to make. I was here too, once upon a time many years back. And the path I choose was difficult but it worked out really well, the path I didn't take might've worked really well too, I'm not denying, but this one, the one that I'm living, with whom I'm living, feels right. Never do things that feels wrong, my girl. You're brave, I mean it. You can make a choice really well, " she completes.

" But I can't, it's too late," I say. I'm at the airport, less than half an hour away from the boarding. I can't chicken out now.

" You're alive, so is he. It's not too late yet, " she says.

I blink. This battle that she's talking about suddenly stops. There's crickets on the battlefield. It feels like I'm catching a breath.

What the hell have I done?

" Hana! " I hear the cheerful voice of Da Eun as I see her and Jae walking, practically running towards me.

Once they reach me, they hug me tightly. I stand frozen, trying to get back to my senses.

"Oh girl do you get so pale in countryside?" Da Eun jokes.

And it's not beating my anxiety.

"Are you excited?" Jae asks and I look at her.

My eyebrows raise and so does hers, expecting an answer.

"Yeah...,"i answer.

" Oh I'm so excited for you. Hasn't this always been your dream? To go, see fashion, study, work in France. It's like your dream come... "

Da Eun's voice somehow becomes faded echoes around me as my mind goes numb, only thinking about everything that has been happening.

What the fuck have I done, oh my holy mother?

This is wrong! Fuck, it so much is. I'm leaving— running away again. I'm  doing it again, I'm hurting myself again and this time it feels too hard to heal. I haven't take the first step away yet, I already feel like it's not  going to work out.

I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have pushed him away, yelled at him, hurt him like that after all that he's done for me.

I can't let him leave the gang but I can't make him understand unless I'm with him. His words comes crashing in my mind, every thing he said, every promise he made that night to me.

He has been so damn selfless for me, I can't let me throw our future away.

And what's the point? What's the garrauntee I'll be happy there, living my dream which I took when I was ten. Is that my dream anymore?

Dad is right about everything but I ain't wrong too. We ain't wrong, we belong together— Jungkook and I. He's been fighting for me. He has gone to depths of hell for me and I can't even fight a little for him?

Fuck, I'm ready to take every risk. It's better to live in a dangerous world with him than to live safely and alone my whole damn life because I know I'll never be able to love again, anyone else.

We read stories when we were little. We see all this movies, listen to all those songs talking about thar one true love, that magical love and it has happened to me.

The one I can never move on from, never move away from.

Where I'm standing is wrong. I don't belong here. I can never belong in the country where I don't have my lover.

"Let's go, Hana," Dad holds my shoulder to bring me out of my brain.

He pushes me with him to walk but I stay standing there frozen.

Everyone looks at me. I see eyes, pitiful, sad, even conflicted eyes focused on me. Dad, mom, Da Eun, Jae— they all look at me.

" What happened?" Dad asks, I look at him, eyes again brimming  with tears for the dozen time today.

I gulp, finding the courage to speak.

"I-I can't," I almost squeak out.

"What? Are you OK?" he asks.

There's that question again everyone has been asking me millions of times these days. And I had the same answer everytime.

I'll be ok.

And it's a lie that I'm been telling myself. It's the gaslighting I've been doing since I moved into the mansion. But now I know.

"No," I whisper then speak louder, "God no, I'm not ok! Every damn second I feel like I'm dying piece after piece. I won't be ok, no, I won't be. Fuck, what was I thinking?"

I look at my dad's face as horror creeps on his face. My mom sighs as she holds her husband's hand, like she always does in bad situations.

I might be a bad situation right now but I don't care. I need to leave.

" I'm sorry, dad. I love you so much, whatever you've ever done for me has always been the right thing but right now, I need to make my decision. I know you  know too that I can never be happy or feel safe when I'll be on my own. I need him, I love him, I can't run away, "I explain, my throat tightening.

" It's ok, Hana, "mom says.

With raging heartbeat, I glance at my best friends who have smiles on their faces like they're really proud of me.

I look at our driver who is silently looking at the scene with bags in his hands.

" Mr. Lee, you're taking me back to the mansion," I tell him.

His eyes widen as he looks behind me at my parents and then nods. He leave the bags on the floor.

"Yes, Miss. Kim," he bows.

I glance back at my parents. My father still has a sour face but he doesn't stop me. Mom nods at me and then I run towards the car where it's parked, following Mr. Lee.

"Yes, you go girl!" Da Eun and Jae shouts behind me.

I smile through my teary eyes as I finally let them fall. Water drips down my eyes, I sob while running, my hair flying in the cold air. But I don't feel sad. If anything, I feel happy.

As I slid into the passenger seat and Mr. Lee gets onto the driver's seat, he immediately starts the car. I look at the time— it's almost 3:30 pm. It'll be night probably when we'll reach.

For all I hope and pray, Jungkook should still be there.

Please, my love, be there. Wait for me.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

~Aster🌸