(Alex's POV - Fri. 8 May 2015)

Brrrr...

The blanket I found in a trash container two days ago in Urbana doesn't help much. I'm rather short, but the rug is too small to cover my entire body and too thin to block the chilling wind. The weather has been nice enough again this week, however, the nights remain cold, especially when you sleep in the open air.

The physical result is that my jaw is aching from teeth clattering; my neck, my shoulders and my back have become stiff from all the shivering; and I am tired.

I'm tired from the lack of sleep, but I'm also tired of this whole situation. Last week, I couldn't sleep much because of the sadness and guilt I felt, but at least, I was more or less safe in the motel room. That was until I was stupid enough to sleep with my window open and had my backpack stolen. This week has been much worse, though. Stress and fear have joined sadness and guilt.

Spending the night in dark alleys, woods, parks or deserted areas is scary and anxious – at least to someone as weak as I am – because you always fear getting attacked by hostile people, and then it's always so uncomfortable and cold. I have strived to crash in discreet places, hidden from potential passers-by, but I'm always so scared to wake up and find out that my last belongings have disappeared. I never fall asleep for more than a few minutes and it's more like drowsing off than sleeping.

My life has become such a hell that I have even thought about ending it. I doubt I would ever go that far, I'm too much of a coward. My parents would certainly hate me for doing anything so radical. Mark and Shannon would definitely hate me for committing suicide...

I use different places every night to get my rest – never twice the same place! – and last night, I chose a small park in Urbana that has more trees. Hidden among bushes and protected by the foliage from the wind and the potential rain, I felt a little safer. In the end, it didn't rain, but the night was super cold, almost freezing, and this morning, I just can't help shivering like a leaf despite the long-sleeve tee-shirt and the two sweatshirts I'm wearing.

Think about the sun... Think about Florida... Imagine you're on the beach and sweating under the sun...

Sadly, it doesn't work. I'm afraid that even a small room with the heater fully blasting wouldn't help me. I know what could warm my body. Or rather who. Mark's reassuring arms would do this for me as I would snuggle against his chest. Shan's front pressed against my back would provide me with heat and allow my muscles to relax.

Fantasizing about things I'll never have again brings tears to my eyes. This is all my fault and I just don't know how to sort the situation out; make my life better again. I just can't go on living like this. For sure, summer will show up and sleeping outside will be less difficult with warmer weather, but then, fall will be back, and even worse, winter. Winters in Illinois are terrible, and I can't imagine myself sleeping in parks when it snows and freezes.

I have to move on, find a job, get an apartment, but I can't seem to find the strength to move these days. On Monday, I went for another job hunt, but what with this big duffle bag I have to carry along? What with my looks? It's so hard to look decent! Between my tired features and my crumpled clothes, I'm just awful. Who would hire someone who looks like shit? I'm not dirty since I managed to sneak twice into one of the campus gyms to shower, but I can't say I look good either.

I just sigh at the thought of another warm shower. I shudder as I remember Mark's huge bathroom in Chicago. Mark... I miss him and Shannon so much. I long for their endless affection. I crave for their tenderness and attention. I yearn for Mark's dominance and I'd do anything to hear his deep and scolding voice.

Wait! I can hear his voice! He tried to call me after I ran away and maybe he left a voice mail? If I can't have his arms, perhaps his voice will warm me up!

Thrilled by this idea, I sit up against a tree and fish both parts of my mobile phone from my duffle bag. For a long moment, I just stare at the two items, wondering if that's such a great idea. It's true that I'm craving to hear Mark's voice, but what about the potential contents of his message? What if his words are hateful? Will I be able to delve in the sound of his voice without paying attention to what he says? I was hoping for his hate, but will it be so easy if I face it for real? My eagerness to hear a familiar voice wins over and after about an hour struggling with my conscience, I eventually reattach the battery to the device. It was full when I left Chicago, so hopefully, it still has a bit of power.

Well, it does! About half of it!

When I switch it on, I almost drop my phone. The damn device must be going crazy! It keeps vibrating and emitting sounds as notifications come in. Seventy-six missed calls. Forty-nine texts. Seventeen voice mails.

Holy crap!

I'm close to removing the battery again, but then I remember what motivated me to bring it back to life, so I first scroll through the texts. They are all from Shannon and quite similar with a lot of sad and crying smileys and quick messages like I miss you, I love you or Come back. Several texts each day. All this sadness brings more tears to my eyes while my chest constricts from pain. My guilt rises to higher levels at the mere thought of Shannon being sadder than angry.

Hearing their voices certainly won't help, but my hand automatically brings the device to my ear and I close my eyes as the first message echoes.

Mark – Sat. 25th April, 10:31am: "Alex, please call me back. We need to talk."

Mark – Sat. 25th April, 10:40am: "Alex, Baby... All I want is to help you. Please just give me a chance to. Even if your ultimate decision remains the same, please let me try. Call me back, Baby..."

Shannon – Sat. 25th April, 12:37pm: "Please, Alex... Come back... You can't go away... We love you, Pumpkin..."

Aaron – Sat. 25th April, 5:10pm: "Hey Buddy, this is Aaron. Whatever's going on, just know that it's not too late to back up. Please, do not hesitate to call Mark or even me. Either of us would go and get you. Stay safe and come back soon."

Mark – Sun. 26th April, 2:07am: "Alex, Baby... Wherever you are, just let me know and I'll come get you... We need you here."

Shannon – Sun. 26th April, 7:35pm: "I hate you, Pumpkin. You're so unfair. I'm so mad at you for doing this to us. How dare you leave without a proper goodbye? Such a coward... When you come back, and trust me, you'd better come back, I'm going to give you hell. You'll have to pay for every single second of pain you inflicted on us."

Shannon – Sun. 26th April, 7:49pm: "Pumpkin... *sobs* I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. *sobs* I'm not angry... I... I... just... I just want you back... *sobs* Please..."

Shannon – Mon. 27th April, 10:31am: "*sobs*"

Shannon – Mon. 27th April, 10:52am: "*sobs*"

Shannon – Mon. 27th April, 11:10am: "*sobs* Please, Pumpkin... Answer the damn phone... *sobs*"

Shannon – Mon. 27th April, 11:13am: "I love you..."

Camden – Mon. 27th April, 3:27pm: "Hi Alex, this is Camden. You have no idea how your departure has affected so many people, Boy... Even Noah... We really miss you here. I hope you get a chance to hear this. Mark and Shannon need you. We all need you. Just come back and in the meantime, stay safe!"

Liam – Wed. 29th April, 12:24pm: "Hey... It's not my business and... I'm sure you already how Mark and Shan are missing you... but... What I want to say is... I miss you too, Alex. And it's not only me... Josh, Aaron, Camden, Noah and all the guys here... We all miss you. Please consider this: you have friends... a family here in Chicago. A family who worries and cares for you. We truly do and our only hope is that you'll come back soon. It's just... You may have your reasons or whatever, but know that no one's going to judge you. We just want to know you're safe... Please come back."

Joshua – Thur. 30th April, 11:57pm: "Hi Alex, this is Joshua. I'm not calling to lecture you or anything. I'm not sure what you're going through, but just in case, if you doubt Mark's love for you, you shouldn't. He does love you and to be honest, after twenty-five years alongside with him, I can't remember seeing him so sad. My purpose isn't to make you feel guilty, Boy, but I want you to know that he truly misses you. And I'm not mentioning Shannon... *sigh* If you need help and if you fear calling Mark, remember that you can always reach out to me, Aaron, or even Cam. You have options, Alex. Take care and I hope to see you soon."

Aaron – Sat. 2nd May, 7:00pm: "Hey, Buddy... I've been told you don't answer the phone, but if you get a chance to hear this, I want you to know that people are missing you here. Much more than you could ever imagine. Shan's playing tough at work, but... He's aching, Alex. And so are we all. Listen, everyone can make mistakes or wrong decisions, nothing is beyond repair and there are always solutions. Trust me, I've been in your place before... It's all up to you to change a wrong decision into a good one. See you soon, Buddy."

Noah – Mon. 4th May, 12:15pm: "Hi, Alex... It's Noah... I'm so worried... Living on the streets is not the best and you know what I'm talking about... I really hope you're safe... We're all missing you so much... Please, come back..."

Mark – Thur. 7th May, 1:37am: "Baby, listen. Whenever you feel ready and however scared you may be, know that you can call me. We need you back home. Shan is missing his Pumpkin... I'm missing you... Just call me and I'll come to pick you up. Any time of day or night, just call and I'll be here for you. I love you so much, Baby. We need you..."

By the time I hear the last message, I am panting heavily and clutching the thickness of clothes over my heart. Then, gathering my knees under my chin, I cry my soul out for endless minutes.

I was hoping for everyone to hate me after what I did, but all I get is compassion and love from people who worry for me. I don't deserve such generous friends... I never thought that my selfishness would affect them so deeply and yet, here I am, alone in a park, listening to their kind messages. Shan's sobs keep rehearsing in my head, hurting me to the core. How could I hurt him like I did!? I should have known better because deep down, I never doubted his or Mark's love for me.

How difficult would it be to grab my phone again and call Mark? Can I really do this? Do I only deserve their forgiveness?

Very.

No.

No.

These are my conscience's answers. I can't switch on my phone again to call Mark and beg for their forgiveness because I just don't deserve it. Of course, my feelings for them haven't changed within two weeks. I still love them and even crave for their presence, but it's just too difficult. Is it pride? Perhaps. In any case, I can't imagine myself calling Mark after two weeks and say Hey, I'm in Urbana, south of Chicago. Can you come and pick me up? Let's just do as if the last couple of weeks never happened.

As if it was possible to ignore these weeks... As if I never ran away. As if I didn't make them suffer.

As a sign of my doomed fate, the wind suddenly picks up and a gust blows the blanket off my lap. As raindrops start falling, I take it as my cue to leave this place. I need a shower. It's almost noon and my stomach is growling, so I quickly stand up and pack my things before I head toward the campus, hoping I'll be able to sneak in again to enjoy a warm shower.

* * *

Crap!!! I wasn't fast enough!

Panic strikes me as I hear a loud crowd – certainly football players – rush into the locker room. I have barely finished washing away the soap from my body under the showerhead! Thank goodness, I'm in a separate stall, so I instantly turn off the tap and as silently as I can, I try to wipe myself dry and reach for clean clothes inside my bag.

These guys are still talking, boasting off about an upcoming match they're supposed to play this weekend, so keeping discreet isn't too difficult, but leaving the room unnoticed will be a different story. Once ready, I silently step out of the stall, glad to see I'm still alone in the showering area, but I clearly shouldn't linger here. All I have to do is to walk the short distance to the entrance door while those hunks keep talking.

Taking a deep breath, I begin to walk along the small corridor that leads to both the lockers and the exit, but just as I am about to reach for the handle, a huge jock grabs my arm and flips me around.

"Hey, guys! Look what we've got here!" he screams, catching all his mates' attention and several of them meet us in the corridor, talking all the same time.

"Never seen that boy before..."

"Doesn't look like a football player..."

"More like a ballerina..."

"What are you doing here?"

"Are you a creepy stalker? A fag who tries to ogle huge dicks?"

"Or are you a reward that Coach sent for us?"

"Oh yeah, must be that! He's here to suck our dicks, right cock-sucker?"

Oh my God... What have I gotten myself into!? It sucks and certainly not in the way these guys mean it. What can I do? They have cornered me against the wall and my small frame will never be able to escape these thick guys. Peeking further away, I see there are more of them by the lockers and two of them are already palming their erections! This is a nightmare!!!

"What the heck is going on in here!?" an older man in sweatpants yells as the door slams open.

The first guy who still has a grip on my arm takes a step back, letting go of me, and as the group slightly moves to let their coach in, I don't think twice and dash for the door, dodging the older man. I doubt any of them would dare to run after me, especially as they were all half-naked or with towels around their waist, but I still run for the hills, even once I'm out of the building and until I reach the city center of Urbana.

Damn! That was a narrow escape!

I eventually reach a deserted alley and hide there for a good two hours, trying to calm down. Luckily for me, it has stopped raining and the sun is back, warming my shivering body. Once I have recovered from my fright, I begin to wander in the streets, stopping by a Save-A-Lot store to buy more sandwich bread. This has been my major food this week for various reasons. It's cheap, it doesn't require a fridge, it has slow-burning sugar and since it swells in my stomach, I feel quickly full up.

This is supposed to help me save money, but today, after this very stressful early afternoon, I am craving for a treat, like a muffin and a warm drink. As I head southward, I come across a Starbucks and the temptation rises a notch. However, when I walk in, I stop dead in my tracks.

One of my biggest fears since I arrived in my childhood town has been to meet people I used to know like old acquaintances, former schoolmates, or even worse, my ex-boyfriend. I don't want to meet or speak with them. This is silly because it might happen at some point, but the longer I can avoid such a situation, the better. Or maybe I should simply move to another city in a different state.

Now, there's this guy at the counter speaking with a waiter and his face looks familiar. I can't see him very well, but his ginger hair rings a bell. He might be someone I came across recently or a man my parents knew back then, but I don't want to deal with this person, so I hurry out of the restaurant and walk further south.

Ugh... Just my luck! I really wanted that hot chocolate! A good hot chocolate like the ones my mother used to prepare for me after school when I was a kid. Or like one of those Mark made on Saturday afternoons or these Sunday evenings when it was just the two of us while Shan was working. Like the one he made on that Saturday morning after my nightmare and before I ran away. I also remember that Sunday evening back in late January... the day after I eventually performed my first public scene at the Black Diamond...

Mark and I were watching TV in the media room, mostly seeking quiet cuddles after the intensity of the previous night, both of us in the same reclining armchair. I was sitting between his legs, my back comfortably resting against his chest, and he was holding the warm beverage and making me sip from the mug.

As much as I usually try to avoid recalling these memories, they keep flashing back. These are all the fond moments I miss the most. Cuddles, affection, tenderness. I miss the rest as well, of course, the kinkiness and all, but all these are what made me feel good, cared for and loved.

I am unconsciously walking back toward the University of Illinois – not sure it's the best move – until I reach a small coffee shop called Caffe Paradiso. There, I order the hot chocolate I've been yearning for and sit at a small table at the back of the room. This is yet another lonely evening coming, and I wonder where I'm going to crash tonight. I might go for the same spot as last night because the park is close by and my feet hurt from so much walking today.

Or you could call Mark...

The voice mails I heard this morning come back full force in my head. I shiver at how Shannon sounded very upset in one of his messages. Although he was seething through his teeth, I could also hear all the pain and sadness, and this was confirmed in the following apology he left. Both he and Mark have tried to call me several times without leaving messages, but I guess you just give up on speaking after so many failing attempts.

The other messages touched me a lot, especially those from Mark's best friends. Throughout the last six months, and although they are all Dominants, I have grown fond of these men, getting attached to both their strictness at the club and their playfulness whenever we met outside of the Diamond.

The Black Diamond... I miss this too. Becoming a member of such a club was a dream come true. I spent such wonderful moments there... The kinky sex... All these powerful orgasms... I can't believe I left all this behind when I went away. I had to ruin everything I had. And you think it would have dampened my libido? Not likely. I keep waking up with morning wood! However, I have refused to jack off, accepting these painful boners as some sort of punishment.

Mark would have punished me if I had jerked off anyway.

Mark... Joshua... Aaron... The impressive Camden. These men are a bit like father figures to us, Subs, because they give off so much authority. And dominance. And safety. Despite their warm and reassuring messages, I assume they must be resenting me for causing such troubles and hurting their beloved ones.

Aaron said it wasn't too late to mend things up, but how can I do that? I'm going to die with shame if I show up there again. How could I resolve to admit I made a big mistake, that I failed and that I still love Mark and Shannon? What's going to happen if I return to Chicago? Contrary to what my sarcastic conscience said earlier, I can't expect them to take me back as if nothing happened.

I heard their messages and I can't forget what they said. However, there was such panic in Marc's first voice mail. It didn't sound like him. He usually has such self-control. The last one held more self-confidence and was clearly encouraging me to call him, but I just can't resolve myself to it. Not just yet. Even if I know that the longer I wait, the harder it will be.

"Would you like anything else, young man?" a soft voice asks, making me startle.

The waitress is kindly smiling at me, her eyes full of compassion, waiting for an answer. A brief peek at the clock on the wall indicates me that it's already 7:45pm. Damn! I hadn't realized I had spaced out for so long and I'm surprised she hasn't kicked me out earlier.

"I'm fine... Thanks. Sorry for staying so long. I'm leaving now..." I stutter as I grab my duffle bag from underneath the table.

"No problem, come back anytime!"

"Thanks... Have a good evening..." I mumble before I head out.

It's Friday evening and the streets are quite busy with cars and students going out. I wander a bit longer around the campus, but there are way too many people for my taste, so I end up walking through a huge park, eager to reach the smaller one where I intend to spend the night. The sun will soon set, the clouds are back and it's getting dark, so I try to walk a little faster.

"Hey, you!!!" someone suddenly shouts on my left.

"Isn't that the twink from this morning?" another asks.

Could I please have a break!?

I don't even turn to look how far they are far they are from me and instead, I dash out of the alley, jump over a fence and run like a mad man across the lawn. I can hear the big hunks behind me, but I mentally thank Mark for having trained me so well to run long distances. I'm also motivated because I know how this is going to end if I let them catch me up and I certainly don't need this.

Treacherous tears are blinding my sight.

My lungs ache in my chest.

My heart beats furiously.

My legs are so painful.

My bag is so heavy.

But I'm running. As fast as I can.

Please, God, help me! I'm so tired of all this shit! I'm so tired of having to run away from difficult situations. I want my old life back. I want my parents.

I want this nightmare to end!

Now!

Published on 12 June 2016