(Shan's POV - Tue. 16 September 2014)

"Alright everyone, this is it for today. Please review all your notes tonight and prepare tomorrow's experiment by reading the whole chapter on the strong liquors. It's a long one, and it would help if you have read it before next class. I'll see you tomorrow!" the instructor tells us before he walks out of the classroom.

I have never enjoyed myself so much in school. The fact that it deals with something I am interested in helps, I guess. It feels so weird to wake up in the morning, being happy to go to class, especially for someone like me who has always hated school.

I started my training course yesterday morning. The days are intense, starting at 8:00 am and finishing at 5:00 pm with just a half-hour lunchbreak. The mornings are dedicated to theory on liquors, beers and wines, but also alcohol awareness, mixology, customer service, and the likes. Then in the afternoon, we move to another classroom to practice, and this one is like training behind a real bar to get skills and confidence for the job. There, we will learn how to prepare cocktails, cut fruits and decorate, how to pour draft beer and tap a keg, as well as how to set up a bar work station.

I have really enjoyed these first two days and my classmates are quite cool. There are not many of us, just about ten, and we're all between 20 and 25 years old, which makes the atmosphere more pleasant and the learning more efficient too.

As Mark advised, I will do the first two training sessions. The first week is more about general bar-tending – basic alcohols, beer and wine – and the second one targets fine liquors and stronger alcohols. Then, there is an optional advanced course on cocktails – which is what I want to specialize in – that should be done as part of an apprenticeship in a bar for three weeks, with theoretical classes in the morning at school and practice at work in the afternoon or evening.

I would really love to do this second part, but for one, it is super expensive, and I don't want Mark to pay for it this time, so I would need to save money first. And then, I need to find a bartender who will accept to hire me and train me for three weeks. I should ask Mark if his friend Aaron would take me as an apprentice either at the Black Moon or the Black Diamond. It would be such a great opportunity to show him what I am capable of, and who knows, he might hire me later once I am certified? Working there would be so awesome!! Yes, I definitely need to speak with Mark about it!

These thoughts populate my head as I walk back home. The other good point is that the training center is quite close to home... I mean, close to Mark's home... Yes, Mark's home, although to me, it has felt like my home too for the past few weeks. Ever since this wonderful day I called him to let him know I was accepting to become his Submissive and he told me to pack a few things to spend the weekend at his place, I haven't spent a single night at home - I mean Liam and I's apartment. And it's been more than a month now!

To be honest, this has been a source of stress for the past few days. I have come to realize that with Liam having moved out of our apartment and me staying at Mark's place, it's getting ridiculous to pay the rent when neither my friend nor I use it. In the beginning, I simply thought that I should keep it in case things didn't turn well with Mark, but said things are going very well... and fast!

However, I can't imagine going to Mark and say Hey, can I move in permanently with you and get rid of my apartment to save money? That would sound a bit blunt, right?

Things have just moved on naturally so far, in the sense that Mark keeps saying he likes having me around all the time and he has never told me to return to my place one evening. I haven't used the guestroom he had set for me either – not even once! – which is fine with me because I love sharing his bed and sleeping in his arms at night. On the other side, he has never offered clearly for me to move in permanently with him, so what should I do?

I just don't know how to broach the subject with him. I am fully aware of all the communication thing, and I usually don't have a problem speaking freely with him whenever I have to, but this is a bit embarrassing and easier said than done. I guess I'll give myself a little more time to think about it.

It's almost half past five when I get home. Mark won't be back until 9 pm tonight because he is busy implementing a couple of new recipes at the Wine & Cheese Bar, and he wants to make sure his cooks do this well. This means we're going to have dinner late, so I grab an apple to snack and get ready to do my homework in the living room. First though, I send him a text to say I got back home alright and he soon replies with a Be a good boy, work well, I'll be home around 9.

By 8 pm, I am all done with my work and decide that I should go and relax under a quick shower, but then, I start remembering our first public scene at the Black Diamond last weekend, and I drown into the fantastic memory. The public scene I had been awaiting for so long and nagged Mark about forever... It turns out that it wasn't anything I expected... It was a hundred times better!!!

I have never been a huge exhibitionist – although I had already had a few experiences in unusual places – but I never thought I would enjoy having sex in public so much. Being tied up, controlled and fucked in front of an audience was just blissful. To be honest, after a few minutes, I was so much into the scene – in perfect communion with my Master – that I quickly became oblivious to the crowd, and yet, I was still somehow aware of their presence through the loud grunts surrounding us.

But damn did I get high! It took me some time to get back down to Earth! I am actually confused as to what exactly happened after Mark gave me his permission to come and I exploded in a powerful orgasm. I vaguely remember that he carried me to his private playroom to clean me up and perform the aftercare. All I know is that I felt so euphoric that I heard him say he loves me, but I was probably already asleep and dreaming, otherwise, I would have replied that it was mutual. Just the plain truth... I have fallen for this man, and I think I love him.

Yet, this thought scares me a bit. I'm not used to involve emotions in my relationships, and what if he doesn't return the feeling? Yeah, I should stick to the kinky memories instead!

However, before I break the rule that says I'm not allowed to touch myself, I decide to ignore my erection and step out of the shower to wipe myself dry with one of the fluffy towels. As I put on a pair of boxer briefs and struggle to tuck my rebellious member inside, I suddenly get an idea that makes me even harder! Within ten minutes, I have removed my underwear, performed an enema and taken another quick shower, and here I am back in the kitchen, stark naked, preparing a simple meal for Mark and me.

I don't have much time, so I just prepare various veggies, then dice a bit of cheese and ham that I will add to a lettuce. I also prepare a tiny portion of batter for a chocolate fondant of which Mark taught me the recipe and that bakes in just five minutes. Once all is ready, with the batter in a ramequin that I will put in the oven later, I set the table in the dining room and I barely have time to finish when I hear the entrance door open. I silently drop to my knees beside my Master's chair, at attention of course – like my little soldier! – and wait for him to show up.

"Shannon, I'm home!" he calls out from the foyer. "Damn!! I'm hungry! I hope dinner's ready, Babe!"

His voice is getting closer, but with my head lowered, I can't see where he is exactly.

"Shan? Are you..."

That's when he catches sight of me, I believe. I hear his footsteps on the wooden floor until I get to see his shiny shoes in front of me.

"Good evening, Pet," he says, softly caressing the back of my head and encouraging me to look up at him. "How are you?" he asks warily.

I stifle a chuckle because he must be thinking I have fucked up and I'm now seeking for his forgiveness.

"Good evening, Master! I'm good, and you?" I reply cheerfully, offering him a huge grin that seems to reassure him as he smiles back at me.

"I had a tiring day, but I'm good now that I'm home. I'm always good when I'm near you. You're so beautiful... and sexy, Pet," he adds warmly.

"Thank you, Master. I think you should take a seat and relax. Dinner is almost ready, and if you let me, I'll go and finish while you enjoy a glass of wine..." I offer softly.

"It seems like a good plan, Pet," he whispers huskily. As I stand up, he pulls me against him for a sweet kiss, his hands rubbing and kneading my buttocks at the same time. "It looks hard down there..." he murmurs.

When he gives my shaft a slow stroke, I can't help moaning, and it only gets worse when he squats in front of me and swallows me whole. He only bobs his head back and forth twice, but I'm grateful for that as I am already extremely aroused. With a light swat on my backside, he sends me to the kitchen and settles in his usual seat. When I get back to the dining room, I notice that Mark looks really exhausted, but it doesn't detract his male beauty the slightest bit. The beautiful smile he shines at me makes my heart beat faster and his eyes looking down at my crotch makes my manhood twitch as I approach and place the salad bowl on the table.

"Is there seasoning, Pet? Or shall I get it from the faucet here?" Mark asks playfully, nodding at my mid-section.

"Crap... Sorry!! I'll be right back!" I exclaim, running to the kitchen and back to him with the bottle of homemade dressing I had forgotten in the fridge. I look at him expectantly, wondering if he would rather have me kneeling by his side or at the table.

"You may have a seat, Pet."

I wouldn't have minded the other option, but I'm glad he lets me sit next to him and eat on my own. All through our meal, Mark keeps teasing either my nipples or my erection while we talk about our respective day of work. Despite my state of growing arousal, I am very enthusiastic about my training, and Mark is obviously very proud of my hard and serious work as he praises me again and again. When our plates are empty, I take them back to the kitchen and bring the single chocolate fondant I had put in the oven five minutes before.

"Are you not taking dessert, Pet?" Mark asks when he realizes I only brought one, but from my mischievous smile, he quickly understands my naughty intentions.

"Oh, I am, Master! My dessert is actually under the table..." I whisper suavely.

I barely have time to see how his eyes suddenly darken with lust as I drop to my knees and crawl between his legs. As I start fondling his semi-hard manhood, Mark moans but I can't tell if it's from my touch or from the chocolate cake. Since I'm not going to let the dessert win over my sucking skills, I soon undo his belt and the front of his slacks, glad to see that his erection is now straining in his underwear, and even staining the fabric with precum. It's time to free the monster!

Mark slumps a little on his chair, giving me better access and allowing me to let his cock spring free as I pull on the front of his boxer briefs. I don't waste any time and while one of my hands goes to gently massage his balls, the other one grabs the base of his shaft, and I swallow as much as I can, until my lips meet my fingers.

"Mmh Pet... It's good..."

As I suck on his dick, swirling my tongue around its girth, Mark's moans get louder and louder. I use the muscles of my cheeks and my tongue as a hoover, greedily swallowing the delicious precum escaping from his shaft. When he decides to take a bit more control by adding pressure at the back of my head with his hand, I make sure to relax my throat and to breathe through my nose, allowing him to go deeper and deep-throat me. My reward is the thick cream that eventually erupts in my mouth and that I entirely swallow before I lick him clean and tuck my lollipop back into its wrapping.

Mark swiftly pulls his chair backwards and tugs on my hands to make me stand up and straddle his lap, his eyes glimmering with pleasure and bliss. His hands resting over my bottom are pressing my groin to his crotch while my arms wrap around his neck to kiss him.

"You are really incredible, Babe," he whispers against my lips.

Mark then slightly pulls back, and what I see has my heart lurch in my chest. His expression has turned serious and thoughtful, as if he is about to announce something important. He looks like his thoughts are struggling in a fiery battle inside his head, but then it comes out. It's barely a whisper, but it is clear.

"I love you, Shannon."

My eyes open wide and my mouth gapes open. It takes me a long minute to let what he just said sink inside my head. I'm quite surprised because Mark and other Subs I spoke with have often insisted on the absence of love in Dominant / Submissive relationships when I was training, but I know these feelings can grow; Joshua and Liam are a perfect example.

But what about me? Do I love him? Of course, I do! I have never felt what I feel for Mark for anyone before, but these overwhelming tingles that clutch my guts whenever I'm around him can't be mistaken. It might have scared me in the beginning, but I can't deny that this man is doing things to me that no other man – or girl – ever did before. He is changing me, and only for the better.

The sincerity I can read in his eyes and the genuine emotion I can hear in his voice right now seem so real, I know he means it. Just as much as my heart pounding in my ribcage as worry and expectation appear on his face.

"I love you too," I whisper back.

Mark exhales a long sigh of relief and what happens next is just the natural consequence of a beautiful evening and the most enticing revelation I have ever heard. And it takes place in our bedroom.

Before I know it, I am lying on Mark's bed and I have never seen someone strip off their clothes as fast as he does now. There are no words exchanged, just kisses and moans while he hovers over me. The preparation is rather brief, but I am so excited that I quickly relax around his lubed fingers. The best moment is when he aligns the tip of his erection with my entrance and, as we are staring at each other with the strongest intensity, he takes possession of me, slipping inside my core at the slowest pace.

The tenderness remains throughout our love-making. Tonight, be it the first, the second or the third round, there is no fucking or hard pounding. No, it's just sweetness, my hands softly roaming all over his chest and his back, his arms holding me tightly, his hips rocking gently. There's no Dominant, no Submissive, no control, no permission needed to come, and after four orgasms, I drift to a peaceful sleep within my lover's arms, completely spent, but utterly happy.

* * *

On the next Thursday, I meet Liam at a coffee shop at 5:15 pm just after my classes.

Although we had a quick conversation over the phone on Sunday, we haven't seen each other since last Saturday at the club, and with Joshua being on a business trip for the rest of the week, Liam was able to leave the office much earlier than he usually does. So, when I got his text over my lunchbreak proposing to meet for a coffee, I immediately agreed. I have a lot of homework for tomorrow, but I can catch up later tonight and the temptation to tell my friend about what happened on Tuesday evening is just too strong.

"Wow, so Mark said he loves you!!" Liam squeals as we settle at a table for two by the windows with our lattes.

"Yes, and I told him too..." I reply meekly, blushing lightly.

"Jeez, I'm impressed!"

"Why? Hasn't he had long-term Submissives before me, I mean some that he would have loved?"

"I'm not talking about Mark, I'm talking about you! That's such a change!" Liam says, rolling his eyes but the pride I see in his eyes warms my heart.

"Yeah, quite a bit, huh?" I chuckle, grinning at him.

"A lot, you mean! I'm so happy for you, Chipmunk! This is so cool to see you settle down in a stable relationship, you deserve your happiness!!"

"Thanks, Lili! It feels a bit weird though, I'm not used to all this..."

"Only because it's new, Shan, but you'll get used to it. You just needed to find the right person to guide you," he concludes, smiling.

"Yeah, I guess so."

"I was thinking..." Liam trails off hesitantly. "The lease for our apartment is expiring end of October... We haven't been there in a while now, so maybe we could notify our landlord and avoid renewing for another three months?"

"It's funny you're mentioning this, Bunny, because I've been thinking about it too. Thing is Mark hasn't clearly proposed me to move in permanently with him, and I don't know how to bring up the subject. Not once have we discussed it in a month and a half! It's like... things have settled naturally, but nothing is completely clear, and I don't want to force him or impose myself on him, you see what I mean?"

"Yeah, I see your point..." he replies thoughtfully. "Perhaps I could help... What if I talk to Josh and suggest him to speak with Mark?"

"Ugh... I'm not sure, Li..."

"I got a better idea!! Why don't you pretend you need something in the apartment and see how he reacts? Maybe it'll ring a bell in his head and he'll tell you it might be time to gather your belongings and terminate the lease?"

"You're a genius, Li!!! This is a great idea!!" I exclaim. I'm sure it could work!

We spend another half hour talking about nothing and everything, and it's way past 7:00 when I reach Mark's building. I'd better hurry up before he gets back home because I still need to start my homework. The good thing is that he said he was working at Le Marais this afternoon and that he'd bring dinner from the restaurant, so at least I won't need to waste time cooking. However, as soon as I open the entrance door of the apartment, the appetizing smell of stewed meat hits my nostrils.

Oh shit... He's already back...

I shut the door as quietly as I can, which is pointless since he must have heard my key in the lock earlier, and drop my messenger bag on the floor to hook my hoodie in the closet. I go straight to the kitchen to meet my man, but he's not there and I eventually find him in the living room, sitting on the couch with his right ankle over his left knee and his arms folded across his chest.

It might look like a relaxed posture, yet I know he's anything but relaxed. His body is far too stiff, his eyes too dark, his jaw too clenched, his lips too thin. He doesn't look angry yet though, certainly allowing me the benefit of the doubt. After all, I could have a good reason for being late when I promised I would go straight home after school to do my homework during my training.

Do I have a good reason? Well, spending time with my best friend felt good and necessary, but I should have made it shorter. Can I think of a lie to excuse my lateness? Sadly, I can't, and I'm such a bad liar, he would see right through me. Yet, I still try a cheerful approach.

"Hi! Did you have a good day?" I ask with a bright smile. Too bad my voice doesn't support me and comes out as a squeak.

"Kneel!"

The stern tone is evidence that the man is in full Dominant mode, and since I don't want to make my case worse, I immediately drop to my knees a few feet away from him and lower my head.

"Good evening, Pet. What's the excuse for being so late home and not answering your phone?"

Fuck, fuck, fuck!! I left my phone in my bag!! Stupid me didn't even check it on my way back! I'm in fucking trouble and there's no point trying to avoid the truth.

"I have no good excuse, Master," I reply meekly.

"Where were you?"

Now that he knows I have no good reason for being late, I can hear the anger and even worse, the disappointment in his voice.

"I was with Liam at a coffee shop... I know it's no excuse, but he texted me this morning and proposed to meet me for a coffee after my classes, and I couldn't resist the idea to spend a bit of time with him. I'm sorry, Master, I should have declined his offer and..."

As the words leave my mouth, I could facepalm myself upon realizing I'm making another huge mistake. Can I be any more stupid? If Mark decides to call Joshua, Liam might also be in trouble!! Such a poor excuse of a friend I am!!

"I mean..." I still try to catch myself, but sadly, it's too late.

"Enough, Pet! Look up!" Mark growls as he rises up to stand in front of me. Since barely a foot is separating us, I suddenly feel extremely small with him towering me. "Remember how you promised you'd be serious during your training? The deal was for you to go home and do your homework right after school every evening so that we could have time to chill together after dinner? It was only a matter of two weeks, Pet, and you didn't even last four days without messing up! You had to behave like an irresponsible child instead of a mature and reliable student. And not content with slacking, you also ignored my calls and my texts!"

"I had left my phone in..." I try to argue, but Mark's glare and his booming voice make me cower on my heels.

"I don't care whether you left your phone in your pocket, your bag or at home!" Mark shouts. "It is your responsibility to have it within ears reach at all times! You're supposed to text me when you get home so that I don't worry, but tonight, you didn't, and I worried. And my anxiety only grew with you not replying to my messages!"

The anger in his voice makes me shiver, but not as much as the anguish perspiring in his tone. He is probably relieved that nothing bad happened, but I can tell he feared for me. As much as it pains me, it also warms my heart to see how deep he cares for me.

Mark remains silent for a long moment, and I patiently wait for him to calm down, with my head submissively lowered. I assume he must be pondering on my punishment now, and instead of dreading it, I am actually quite eager. A small part of me is wishing to atone for my mistakes, but the wicked side of my brain is hoping for a nice spanking. Over the past few weeks, I have gotten to enjoy the slight sting each time his hands smack my buttocks, and it's even better when it's not a pleasure spanking. It never fails to arouse me, and this time is no exception as my little soldier is already swelling in my pants.

"Strip to your underwear!" his deep voice orders a few minutes later, and I comply immediately, folding my clothes and laying them on the couch. "Remind me of your safewords?"

"Yellow to slow down, and red to stop, Master."

"Good boy. Your punishment will come in three phases. First, you'll stand in a corner while I finish preparing dinner; it will allow you to ponder on your wrongdoings. After dinner, without me having to remind you, you are going to lay across my lap to get twenty spanks. And finally, you will go and do your homework in your bedroom. Is this clear, Pet? Or do you have any questions?"

"All clear, Master..." I reply in a small voice. I don't like the idea of doing my homework in my bedroom, but maybe I can compromise on this in due course?

"Good, then walk to that corner," he says, pointing at the junction between the kitchen and the dining room.

He doesn't need to tell me twice, and I scurry to the indicated place where I stand with my arms along my sides. I can feel his presence behind me, and he soon grabs my wrists to put my hands at the back of my head before he makes my elbows touch each of the perpendicular walls, and spreads my feet shoulder width with one of his shoes.

This is much less funny and maybe more humiliating than his hands – or even the paddle – spanking my backside! Besides, standing still is definitely not my forte, but I guess I deserve it. I really hate that I disappointed and worried him so much! I should have asked for his permission to go and spend time with Liam. I'm sure he would have refused, saying I needed to work, but at least, he would have reasoned me with the right arguments and it would have spared him the worries. I can only imagine how he must have been in the middle of a specific recipe, trying to get a hold of me, when he decided to hurry back home to see what was going on. I can easily understand how it must have pissed him too.

I feel like I have been in this corner for ages. I can hear him shuffle in the kitchen, before he goes to switch the TV on in the living room. Not once does he speak a word to me. At some point, he goes back to the kitchen to grab dishes, and he is setting the table behind me in the dining room when his phone goes off.

"Hey Josh! How are you?"

Oh my God! No!! Not him!!

".........."

I turn around to plead Mark with my eyes not to rat on Liam, but he scowls at me and gestures for me to turn back and face the corner.

"Yeah good. How's it going in Boston?"

".........."

"Yes, I could plan to travel there. When would that be?"

".........."

"Sure, I guess we can make it a one-day trip?"

".........."

"Perfect! We can arrange this for next week then. Thanks!"

".........."

"Yep?"

".........."

"No, he didn't inform me in advance, but I found out. He wasn't answering his phone, so I came back home earlier, and I was there before him."

Crap, crap, crap! So, Josh already knows. I hope Liam is not in trouble!

".........."

"No, he told me the truth in the end. I was going to call you later tonight to let you know anyway."

".........."

"No, don't worry, Josh, that's fine. Don't blame it all on Liam. Shannon should have known better and declined Liam's offer, so he has his share of responsibility. Hopefully his punishment will teach him a lesson," Mark says meaningfully. I swear I can feel his eyes boring through me!!

".........."

"Ouch, I'm sure Liam will love it," Mark chuckles.

I wonder what can be so funny. I assume they are talking about Liam's punishment, and I hope Joshua won't take it out too badly on my friend.

".........."

"No worries. Have a safe flight back, I'll talk to you soon! Bye!" Mark eventually says before he hangs up and returns to the kitchen. "You may go and sit at the table for dinner now, Pet," he then tells me after I have heard him place a cooking pot on the table.

Once I have rolled my shoulders for a few seconds to reactivate the blood flow in my arms, I take a seat on his right side, glad to see that I have a fork and a knife. At least I won't go through the humiliation of being fed. As much as it can be kinky when we do it for fun, this is no fun at all in the case of a punishment. The atmosphere during dinner is heavy as we eat in silence, but I can't really blame him for not wanting to talk to me.

I don't like the angry mask he is wearing, so I keep my eyes on my plate, enjoying the delicious beef bourguignon which makes me feel a tad better. As soon as we have both emptied our plates, I rise up and get ready for the second part of my punishment, moving to stand beside him, with my arms along my sides and my head lowered. When he pulls his chair back, I settle across his lap with my pelvis resting against his right thigh and my butt propped up.

Mark doesn't waste any time and he swiftly pulls down my briefs just enough to expose my buttocks, and after he has kneaded them for a few seconds, the corporal sanction begins. The first smacks are light enough, but after the tenth one, their intensity increases, making this much less likeable than usual. I guess he wants me to learn the lesson, and as a matter of fact, my little soldier soon deflates. There are even tears pooling in my eyes by the twentieth slap, tears of anger, shame and sorrow, but I hold them back, especially when Mark helps me up when it's over.

"Bend over the table, Pet. I'll be right back," he instructs me.

My butt is clearly on fire, so I truly appreciate the soothing lotion this time as Mark carefully massages my backside, gently rubbing the substance into my sensitive skin. A few minutes later, he pulls my boxer briefs back up and embraces me into a tight hug, even if a brief one.

"You took your punishment well, Pet," he praises me, which comforts me a bit, though I wish he wouldn't disentangle from me already. "Now go and take care of your homework."

"May I study in the living room while you watch TV, Master?" I ask, full of hope. Useless hope though, when I peek at his face.

"No, Pet. You go to your bedroom to focus on your lessons. I don't want you to be distracted."

"Please Master!" I insist whiningly. "I swear I won't get distracted! And I'm not going to disturb you either!"

"Don't make me repeat myself another time, Shannon! Go to your bedroom and do your homework! Now!" he growls, obviously still annoyed with me.

Suppressing a heavy sigh, I go grab my messenger bag where I had left it in the foyer, and storm to the guestroom, hiding the tears of defeat in my eyes. This is the first time Mark rejects me after I have been disciplined. This is the first time he rejects my presence, period. I thought I was forgiven after the spanking, but it seems like I was wrong.

I think being turned down is worse than any other sort of punishment, and I can't hold my sorrow anymore; tears start falling freely. I might have upset him too much this time. What if he is too furious and makes me sleep in this room? I can't stand the idea of not sharing his bed tonight, I can't stand the idea of sleeping alone when he is so close.

I have shut my door, but I can hear his footsteps in the corridor, probably on his way to his own bedroom for a shower, and that's when my tears of sadness turn into tears of anger. What is the point of staying here if he doesn't want me tonight? If I'm not allowed to sleep in his arms tonight, then I'd rather be out of this place, because I don't want to sleep in this guestroom.

And when stupidity takes over reason...

I grab the few clothes I had left in this bedroom, put them in my duffle bag and quickly get dressed. I can't hear if he is still showering, but I sneak out of my room and hurry to the entrance door. I try to be as quiet as possible, but there is a draft and the entrance door slams shut. Shit! The loud wham can't have remained unnoticed in the apartment, so I hastily reach for the elevator and immediately slip in when the lift cage arrives. A drenched Mark wearing a towel around his waist appears just as the doors of the of the elevator begin to slide close.

"Shan!!!!!!?"

He lunges forward, but it's too late, the doors have shut, the cage starts its descent, and the terrible expression on his face will forever be imprinted in my memory. There were so many emotions... Anger, sadness, incomprehension, and even fear. All of them so painful to witness that more tears flood my cheeks. As if I hadn't done enough tonight, I also had to hurt him, and he might never forgive me. Once again, I have acted on a whim, ruining everything he has been building for me over the past weeks. I'm such a jerk!

As the doors reopen on the ground floor, I dash out, ignoring the receptionist who's calling me out. For once, luck is on my side as a cab is passing by just when I get out. Thankfully, the driver stops as soon as I raise my arm, and once I have given him my address, I allow myself a sigh of relief.

The ride home seems endless with all these sad and dark thoughts about what happened since I got back home – since I got back to Mark's home – populating my head. I hate myself for being so stupid. I hate myself for acting without thinking twice. I feel like I have just ruined what could have been a perfect life with the perfect man. My tears keep running, and as I open the door to my empty apartment, they fall twice as hard when I realize that I'll be spending the night alone. Now that I think about it, Mark only said to go and do my homework in the guestroom... Maybe he would have let me spend the night with him?

I don't know.

I don't know anymore.

My head is too confused now.

All I know is that I fucked up big time. Again.

Published on 11 May 2016