XVIII ‖ unheard apology

LONDON
January
Location: Iva's Apartment

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I couldn't remember the last time I got to luxuriate myself with another kind of warmth that felt even better than bed warmers. Wiggling closer to the source of heat, I draped my leg over to the pillow beside me that even smelled amazing. The shape was a little off, but I was glad that I managed to nestle in a comfortable position for myself to continue snoozing.

"Still a cuddler." A raspy chuckle echoed in my ears and realisation struck me like lightning, jolting me awake as my eyes flew open to the curve of a neck. The warmth of skin against mine was causing a wave of rising embarrassment within me. Holy crap.

I stilled. Somewhere in the corner of my brain hoped that I could disentangle myself from him right now and hide from the world forever, while the rest of it was savouring the heat of his skin against mine, and slowly replacing cobwebs of sleep in my consciousness with those of hazy desire. 

Blame it on the remainders of alcohol left in my system, but I was feeling weirdly courageous. I lifted the hand that was curled against his trim side and my fingers smoothed along the length of his neck, touching lightly on the apple of his throat. It took him by surprise when I felt him flinched and worked on a nervous swallow. 

"Iva," he called my name with a cautionary tone and his hand gripped onto my wrist to stop me from touching him unnecessarily.

"Why are you here?" I mumbled softly, stubbornly keeping my leg over his body because I had wanted to enjoy the warmth of a company a little longer.

"You missed training and you wouldn't pick up my call nor Vivienne's," he responded, then his tone turned serious all of a sudden. "I invited myself in with the passcode Vivienne gave me and you were writhing in pain on the bed. Now, ask me why am I here?"

"Thanks and sorry," I shrugged a little. "I have weird dreams sometimes. But for all I know, it doesn't kill and I wouldn't have died from it."

"No more alcohol for you," he warned in a chastising tone. "You reeked of it when I found you."

"Gee, you're no fun," I sulked, falling silent straightaway.

His hand still gripped onto one of my wrists, so I used the other hand of mine to roam along his broad shoulders and delighted in the heat of his skin against my naturally cold fingers. Again, I felt him shuddering at my touch and his hand playfully lifted to my face to pinch lightly on my cheek. He grinned boyishly, "Haven't you touched enough yet?"

I frowned, slapping on the back of his hand and he released immediately. But I quickly grabbed onto the hand and rested it against my cheek, continuing to enjoy the comfort of his touch. Angling my head slightly, I landed a small kiss into his palm and murmured his name, "Jax."

"Hmm?" he responded softly, though there was urgency in his tone and it strained in a way that caused the haze in my mind to grow.

Removing myself from his hold, I planted both of my hands on his chest and pushed him back down onto the bed. I twisted at my hips and moved a leg over to straddle on top of him. My eyes focused into his and it was so difficult to decipher whether his eyes were blue, grey or even slightly green, but they blended so perfectly into a marvellous shade — a shade that compelled me to disregard all restraint that I had built between us right at this moment of bravery that I'm experiencing. Inching closer, I pulled the distance between us shorter with each passing moments.

Jax had once again grabbed onto my arms, clenching tighter whenever I drew nearer to him. The space between our lips was only a thin air away before he pushed me on my shoulders and threw me off balance. My back fell into the sheets and he hovered over me, positioning himself in between my legs. Lowering himself, he landed a soft peck on my forehead and let out a low growl from the back of his throat when my hands travelled underneath the hem of his shirt. 

He swiftly caught on my wrists and locked my arms on my stomach with one hand. His other hand curled onto the back of my neck, pulling me close slowly as his lips landed a brief kiss on mine. It was so momentary but it sparked an indescribable emotion within me. Desiring for more, I leaned forward but only to have him moving back from me. When he shifted away from me in that manner, I felt a painful clench in my chest.

"Iva," he breathed deeply and roughly. "Don't push further, please."

"Why?" My voice cracked a little.

"Don't get me wrong, sweetness," he explained softly. "I want you, very badly to be exact."

I remained silent, unsure what to reply because I barely understood what in the world he was talking about when he had just rejected my advancement on him a moment ago.

"But I don't want to do this with you when your heart is unavailable," he sighed. My eyes widened as I lifted my gaze to his face and saw a small smile on his face. It definitely wasn't a happy smile. Rather, it reflected his disappointment. "I hope you understand."

With that, he pulled me in and kissed my forehead again before he got off the bed and walked out of the room. I stayed stunned, but tugging my legs close to my chest as my mind processed his words slowly. When my thoughts finally got past all the lust, haze and sleep, I cursed under my breath.

How despicable of me.

I had wanted to use Jax as a distraction to forget the smouldering guilt that was eating me alive. He was right, so annoyingly right. I wanted him just out of convenience to escape from the overwhelming emotions and he must've felt it. Raking a hand through my hair, I groaned in exasperation at the realisation that I had nearly destroyed anything amicable between the two of us. My legs kicked on the blanket and I quickly jumped out of my bed and ran to the door, swinging it open.

"Hey, I just want to say that I'm—" I halted when I realised that I was talking to nobody except for the vast, empty living room. My voice dropped to a barely audible level as I completed what I had hoped to convey, "Sorry."

My apology vanished into the pin-drop silence that screamed in the most familiar screech that I knew so well of. I scoffed, laughing to myself before I walked across the living area and head into the kitchen. 

My hand pulled on the fridge door and grabbed onto a bottle of carbonated water. Pushing myself up, I sat on the kitchen island and drank from the bottle in gulps. Sure that I was drinking too fast because the fizz numbed my tongue and created a weird sensation down my throat. Yet, nothing felt weirder than the mixed feelings of remorse stirring in the pit of my stomach.

I lay down on the empty island, feeling the cold glossy surface piercing against my skin. A sigh escaped from my lips and I thought about what I should say to Jax the next time I see him. I knew I should apologise to him but would all the words be enough? And if words weren't enough, what else could I do?

"Has anyone told you that you have weird habits?"

I jackknifed up and whipped my head around towards the sound. Jax stood near a wall, leaning lazily against it with both arms folded in front of his chest. His head tilted slightly as he studied me with his greyish-blue eyes.

"Haven't you left?" I startled.

"I went out for just a moment and I came back to see you lying on top of the kitchen island," he said, sauntering past the fridge and towards me. His hands gripped firmly on both side of my waist and lifted me up.

"Hey, stop treating me like a child!" I complained, struggling to break myself free from his hold.

"Then, stop acting like one and go get changed," he laughed cheerily and the sounds of his laughter reverberated in my ears in pleasant ripples. My cheeks heated and my heart stupidly skipped a beat. Whenever I wiggled and tried to escape, he held onto me even tighter.

"Why am I changing?" I frowned.

"I'm starving and I want dinner."

"Why don't you just go ahead and get it?" I argued and he started walking, while still carrying me in his arms.

"I want to bring you along," he chuckled. He entered my dressing room and dropped me on the cushioned ottoman before he started picking out clothes for me. Hell, this guy even knew where I kept my lingerie. When he looked back at me, I was staring at him so intensely that I wondered why the lasers from my eyes hadn't drill holes through his skull yet. He smiled at me, "What are you staring at?"

"How did you know my house so well?" I questioned.

"An hour is enough for me to figure out where everything is," he explained. "Plus, haven't you wondered who changed your clothes for you yet?"

My head dropped immediately and realised that I was no longer in my black halterneck top and jeans. Instead, I was dressed in an oversized t-shirt with just my panties beneath it. Heat once again rushed up from my neck and I stammered, "Y-You—"

"Exactly," he nodded.

Flustered and utterly frantic, I no longer want to share this space with him. My hands stretched out to snatch the pile of clothes he gathered for me and I chased him out, "G-Get out!"

"Don't worry, my eyes were closed."

"Gods above!" I swore.

"I'm sure they had nothing to do with you being that drunk," he whipped out a witty reply.

"Shut up!" I trudged my way out of my dressing room and headed into the bathroom to take a shower. When I was done, I looked at the clothes that Jax had picked out for me earlier on and wondered why he had chosen a formal dress.

But I changed into the red dress anyways.

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(my room, where I want you. tangled ease in my sheets)