XVII ‖ craved warmth

White curtains, soft sheets.

Bright rays of light lit over the clean and empty room and my mind was unexpectedly clear amidst all the alcohol I had in my system the night before. I felt a pair of warm hands all over me and my head was resting against a firm chest with a familiar rhythm of heartbeat thumping against my ear. A hand traced up my back, causing me to shudder as fingers brushed through my hair softly, tangling themselves through the weaves. The boy before me lowered his head, placing a gentle kiss in my hair. "Iva," he called, ever so tenderly. 

Tears burned the back of my eyes as my brittle emotions threatened to shatter with every movement of my body towards him. My fingers dug into his back, but careful enough not to hurt him. Holding him close to me, I begged for forgiveness under my breath. I repeat, repeat and kept repeating. I was never a person of words, but other than saying what I meant to, there wasn't any other way to do it. 

My palm was filled with the cold of his skin and I thought about how this must've been Morpheus playing a joke on me. He placed me in this dream with Sebastian just to tip that bottle of forced-sealed emotions within me. "Isabel," he whispered my birth name into my hair and his hands cupped both sides of my cheeks. My heart shook, violently in turbulent rapids. 

Unable to hold onto the gathered emotions at the corner of my eyes, they had glided along the curve of my cheeks and dampened the hand that held onto my face. I leaned closer, cuddling my head into the space between his head and his shoulder. The light scent of musk felt so foreign now but still carved in my memory like an annoying, terrible nightmare. 

Actually, I knew it very well that I was stuck in my own loop of guilt that had brought me into this mirror of dreams again. I knew it the moment my head was lifted slowly, and I unwillingly peeled open my eyes to face a pair of dull and vacant viridescent eyes. The usual expression with disappointment etched into his face as he murmured sorrowfully, "Why did you leave me to die, Isabel?"

"Henry," I inhaled sharply while saying Sebastian's birth name, hugging him closer to me. We used to call each other by our birth names when nobody's around, that was how vulnerable we wanted to be with each other. But never would I know that doing this would dig deep and kill me from the inside. 

I never left you to die. 

I wanted to say it out loud but that would be a lie. There was a gap in my memory and the last fragment I remembered was the vision of his horror-filled face before everything went black and blank. The next time I woke up, I was already back in Elysium, alone with Vivienne. That was when I knew that everyone else from that mission didn't make it and I had became the sole survivor of that freak encounter. Till today, I couldn't remember why I was the only one who remained. 

"Did you betray us, Isabel?" Another stab right through my heart as it clenched and drained dry. 

I didn't. I would never do that. 

The words get stuck in my throat and I could only remain silent as his hands gripped tighter onto my arms and his face hovered close to mine. "Tell me!" he demanded. 

Bile forced it's way up my throat, bringing along a distasteful burn that scorched like my surfacing guilt. I struggled to break free when panic pumped through my veins and my brain screamed 'I didn't' constantly. It was no longer tears of sadness, but desperation that beaded those crystalline droplets. All the air in my lungs had left me and I gasped constantly trying to regain my ability to breathe, but nothing was there except for the burning sensation of guilt clawing right out of my chest.

My vision blurred as black dots formed from the corners, obscuring the features and clarity of the face in front of me. Then, I was convulsing as my mind was on the verge of forcing my body to shut down on me and I wished — so desperately — that if I could die at this instance, I would never choose to wake up ever again. The last tear fell as my eyes closed and I lost my struggle with consciousness.

◩

"Iva! Open your eyes, goddamnit!"

I heard the voice loud and clear in my ears but I was too afraid to do anything at the moment. My mind wondered if I would open my eyes to face another expression of disappointment towards me. I couldn't take it, no, I would never be able to accept it. I kept my eyes shut and felt utterly worn out

"Anoíxte ta mátia sou, se parakaló." the voice pleaded.
(Translate: Open your eyes, please.)

The arms that circled around me tightened their hold and tucked me closer to another person's body. The soft scent of pine and rain wrapped me in an illusion of security and reminded me that I was finally out of my own guilt loop. Breathing out a sigh of relief, I allowed myself to rest in this comfort and buried myself deeper into this warmth that I had craved in a very long while. My hands bunched onto the soft material of fabric and murmured weakly, "Just a moment please, thank you."

"Take as many moments as you need, latreía mou."

◩

The next time I regained consciousness, I was alone in my bed. The comforter was wrung into a pile of mess and I raised my hand towards my hair but the action was halted by a sharp pain that shot through my arm.

I looked down and saw a thick IV needle stuck into my arm before my eyes shot to the side to stare at the bag of drip placed beside my bed. Shit. My eyes scanned around the room and recognised it as the bedroom in my new apartment. However, nothing scared me more than the realisation that it's already eleven in the morning.

A loud curse escaped in a harsh whisper as I jumped off my bed. Disregarding the pain, I ripped the needle off my arm forcefully and hastily dragged myself towards the bathroom despite my spinning conscious.

"What the fuck are you trying to do?" A voice raged.

I spun around and saw a tall figure entering through the door into my bedroom but my vision was too blurry to make out all the features of the person who was striding angrily towards me. I demanded, "Who the fuck are you?"

Before I could do anything else, I was lifted off the ground and the voice growled, "Don't bother fighting me."

"Let me go," I spoke through clenched teeth. The lightheadedness was getting worse with each step he took while my body swayed with his movements. I pushed weakly, "Hey!"

"Sure," he replied, swinging me off his shoulder and I felt a slingshot of velocity with my fall which threatened to spill the bile that had gathered up my throat through all the nausea I felt. My whole body landed on the soft sheets once again, sinking deep from the impact of his throw.

"Bitch-ass," I hissed.

"Shut up or I'll kiss you," he scolded. Sounds of plastic tearing preceded by a pair of hands, rubbing on my arm, seemingly trying to find something. Then, I felt a sharp pierce through that nearly forced a scream out of me. I frowned and glared at his direction with hatred burning at the back of my eyes. This asshat didn't bother being gentle when plunging that damn needle in.

"Tear it off again, I'll opt for a thicker needle," he warned.

"If you can even find it," I taunted.

"Try me," he said firmly.

Tucking an arm under my knees and the other around my waist, I was lifted slightly and placed in a comfortable position to lie in. When I felt him move his long legs away to get off the bed, my hand shot forward to hold him by his wrist. His tone softened drastically, "What is it, Iva?"

"Stay with me, Jax," I said, not bothering to ask because I didn't want to be rejected.

"I'm here, sweetness."

"No, get in here and hug me."

◩

a/n: morpheus is the god of dreams.
just an additional update for this week. hope you guys are enjoying the read!