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chapter thirty ━ the aftermath of a sin

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❝ i'm a monster ❞

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THERE WAS NO place for her to go. Wayne Manor was not an option after she just beat up Theo Galavan and watched him die right in front of her. Bruce could not see her like this, he could not see what she had done. Staying with Jim was never going to be an option again because of how much she detested being near him. Going to Arkham covered in blood never even crossed her mind. She knew there would be no explaining what happened. If anyone found out what they did, they would be ruined, destroyed. Jim promised her that no one was going to figure out the events of that night. He was the one that was questioned. And if he failed, Charlotte told them she would take care of it. No one was to know she and Skylar were involved. The guys would take the blame, that was the plan.

The guilt sank in hours later when she could not fall asleep, staring up at the ceiling of a warehouse she and Selina were crashing in. The blood was hard to get off her skin, using a cloth Charlotte had and water from the wide river that ran between the different islands that connected to create Gotham. What was harder was telling her best friend what happened. At first, retelling the tale was easy, and she showed no remorse. But when Selina gave her a concerned expression, suddenly everything crumbled.

Killing Galavan did not make the pain of losing Jerome better, it did not ease it one bit. She thought it did, until reality set in and she was left staring blankly, his begging ring in her head, plaguing her, not letting her go. It was as if she took his life instead of simply witnessing it. The very mindset had her spiraling, trying to wrap her head around the memory.

Finally, she reached the point where she screamed into her pillow while Selina was out getting them food, sobbing hard until that familiar, friendly feeling of utter numbness came crawling back to reunite with her. Her best friend returned to see her curled up on the mattress, eyes shut, cheeks red and dry with tears, the sheets carelessly thrown everywhere on the bed.

Why didn't it feel better? Why wasn't she better? Skylar did not understand why Galavan being dead brought her no joy. Though it did for approximately three hours, now she felt as if she committed the murder on her own and that Galavan was better off behind bars. Then again, he would have got right out and pursued Bruce, most likely succeeding in killing him this time. So, he was better off dead. Still, even with her mind telling her that, she felt unsettled, lost.

What was she supposed to do now? What was her purpose? The only thing left to do was wait for Barbara to wake up. But then what? She had no purpose, there was no point in her existence. She was better off dead. All she seemed to do was wander around and involve herself in situations she probably shouldn't be involving herself in. Sometimes she wondered what it would be like if she never existed.

Would Jerome still be alive? Would Selina be successful? Would Barbara be conscious? Would she and Jim still be engaged? Would Bruce be happier?

"Sky!" Two fingers snapped together in her line of sight, causing her line of focus to be disturbed, kicking her out of her thoughts.

Selina was sitting in front of her on the bed, sporting those new goggles she stole, the item sitting atop a black beanie. There was an expression on her face that was strikingly similar to the one she received after explaining the crime she took part in. It made her shift, eyes darting away from where they had been searing into the brick wall, to the floor where the mattress laid. That was when she realized that she had ruined the sheets again, the bed a total mess, and no doubt she looked the same.

"I've been trying to get your attention for three minutes," Selina told her, shaking her head with a heavy sigh, but not out of disappointment. "You scared the crap outta me." There was silence because she did not know what to say to that. The fear of spiraling all over again frightened her. Was that what was happening? Was she spiraling again? "Sky?"

"Yeah?" she whispered, pushing her hair back, the strands frizzy. She couldn't remember the last time she showered. Hell, she couldn't recall the last time she got out of bed.

Selina sighed again and moved to sit closer to her, silent for a few moments. "Look, I'm worried about you, I really am. You hardly eat, your hygiene is not great, and you refuse to go outside." There was a pause. "I don't understand what's going on. You've seen countless people getting killed, you've seen blood, you've seen people being beaten and you dealt with it just fine. What's so different about this?"

"Because he killed my brother!" she yelled, her head snapping to face her, Selina flinching at the sudden outburst. "Galavan murdered Jerome right in front of me. He died and I watched the whole thing happen. And I thought that being able to look him in the eye and watch him take his last breath would be satisfying, would make this hole in my chest go away. But it didn't." She pointed at her own chest as she sobbed. "I killed someone and I enjoyed it, Selina. I'm a fucking monster."

Skylar got up quickly and her friend followed, grabbing her arm before she could walk any farther.

"No, Sky, look at me." Selina turned her forcefully so they could stand face to face. Then she placed both of her hands on her shoulders, staring her straight in the eye. "You are no monster. You are a person who witnessed a murder and is coping in the only way you know how to. Most people in this world could not deal with punching someone or breaking someone's bones. It's been over a week since Galavan died and you are still hanging on because you are strong. And you feel emotions. A human feels emotions, a monster does not."

"Then why did I like it? At that moment, staring down at all the blood, seeing his dead body, why did I enjoy seeing him dead?"

Selina took both of her hands in hers, still looking right at her. "Because you got vengeance for Jerome, you won. And now you realize what happened actually happened. You may be feeling guilty, but I don't think it's for the reason you think it is."

Her heart dropped. "What?"

What the hell did that mean? No, she felt guilty because she aided in taking a life. That was the reason, she knew it was. Otherwise, why would she feel like a part of her was dead? Why did she feel like going to sleep and never waking up? From the look on the brunette's face, Skylar had a hunch that she may have been lying to herself this entire time. Maybe, just maybe, she had been hiding the truth from herself.

Selina hesitated, letting go of her hands, looking away. Then she shook her head, brushing off whatever she had been about to reveal to her. "Nevermind, it's stupid."

"No, tell me."

"Sky-"

"Tell me!"

"You feel upset because you didn't get to pull the trigger on Theo Galavan yourself."

Skylar felt her entire body plummet and yet her feet stayed planted in the same spot. Her eyes widened, her lips parting slightly and even though she could not find the right thing to say. It was not that she was hurt by what she said because she truly wasn't. She was in shock because it was true.

Selina took her reaction the wrong way, looking ashamed for saying what she said. "Sky, I'm-"

"Don't apologize," the Valeska told her softly, cutting her off gently. "You're right. I wish I had killed him. But that doesn't change the fact that his smug face is seared into my memory, the blood is still on my skin, and I can't wipe it clean." She shrugged and numbly fell to sit on the floor, leaning her head against the wall. "Maybe it's because it was, in a way, my first kill."

Selina sat down too, but in front of her, leaning against the crappy chairs they stole. She pulled her knee to her chest. "It was like that for me too. That guy I pushed out the window was not my first kill." Her shoulders slouched down. "It was some random guy that I stole from. He chased me across the roofs and he caught up to me. When he did, I kicked it, which pushed him off the building. Died on impact."

"Shit." Selina cracked a smile. "Did he deserve it at least?"

"Yeah, abused his adoptive daughter so he had it coming." Skylar nodded, pulling both her knees to her chest, resting her chin on them. "Go see your mom, it may help." The girl stood up and got ready to leave before the feline-female spoke up again. "Sky?" She turned around to look at her. "You may want to shower."

Skylar made a face and then scrunched up her nose. "I'll just take one at the hospital." Then she started to leave again, opening the door, walking down the hallway as Selina followed after her, stopping at the threshold.

"Eat something while you're there."

She snorted in amusement. "Okay, mom."

---

Damon was not around when she arrived, making her frown a bit. He usually was there to keep an eye on Barbara even when she told him that it was fine and that her mom wouldn't just vanish into thin air. He must have been busy because she found no indication that he had visited for at least a day or so. Odd. She shrugged it off, telling herself that it did not matter. Ciceros couldn't be trusted anyway. No one in that circus could be.

Skylar sat in a chair by her bed, resting her head on the sheets despite the awkward and slightly uncomfortable angle. Barbara was still hooked to machines, keeping her alive, monitoring her heartbeat. She wondered what it was like for her. Was it like dreaming? Or was she stuck in endless darkness, forced to listen to the voices that would speak to her. So could she hear her and Damon when they would talk? Did Damon talk to her mom when she wasn't around?

All these weeks had gone by and nothing happened. The very thought, the very fact that she had to sit here and wait and wait was excruciating. Barbara was strong, she would pull through because there was no way in hell she wasn't. Her mom was resilient. And the second she opened her eyes, everything would be okay.

Silence surrounded her. There was no one else in the large room, even with the countless empty beds. She was not complaining though. It was nice to sit in silence without the insane inmates screaming in your ears or throwing things at you. A few hours passed and no doctors came in, leaving her alone. Time flew, eventually bringing her to get into the bed, cuddled up to her mother's side, dozing off.

The shower she told Selina she would take ended up not happening until she practically dragged her own body, telling herself over and over again that she needed it. Her arms said otherwise, opting to fall limp. Her body was completely weak, fighting back against her. After about an hour, she finally finished, drying off and got dressed in the extra clothes she brought. Her appetite was nonexistent. So she climbed back into the bed, the sun gone. When it was, she realized just how many hours passed since she arrived at the Asylum. And still, no one walked in. Not until around nine when the sun was gone and the blinds were shut.

Charlotte Cobblepot came strolling in, wrapped up in a black, faux-fur coat that was most definitely designer from the looks of it. Her eyes found the teenager immediately and she walked over, completely calm.

"What are you doing here?" Skylar asked, hesitant because even if she was Oswald's sister, that did not mean she was trustworthy, not yet at least. "I thought we all agreed it was best to keep a distance until everything blows over?"

"It was. Until my brother was arrested and thrown into this Asylum because the cops caught him."

She was suddenly awake, sitting up straighter, eyes wide with fear. Were they going to get caught now? Were they going to be exposed? All-day, question after question ran through her head and it was beginning to get to a point where her head was pounding, like someone was banging against her skull, trying to break free.

"Does that mean-"

"We're in the clear I made sure of it." She sat down on the bed next to her and Barbara, crossing her legs. The older female was serene, looking as if she hadn't a care in the world. "Harvey Dent interrogated Jim, and he was found innocent. They still continued the manhunt for Oswald, and they found him. He was sentenced here not too long ago and told me never to visit." A flash of hurt went across her eyes but disappeared in seconds.

"Maybe that's for the best," Skylar offered, sticking her hands in the pockets of her hoodie. "No one knows your related to him but me, Jim, and the rest of the people who took down. . ." She closed her eyes and swallowed thickly. ". . .who took down Galavan."

When she opened her eyes, Charlotte was observing her, her eyebrow arched in a flawlessly way. Skylar didn't have to say anything else because she already knew. She remembered when she had asked her if she could handle it. Now she realized that she hadn't meant if she could stomach it because they were about to assist in killing someone. She was asking if she could handle not being the one to pull the trigger.

"You have a point," she hummed, tilting her head a bit. "Are you alright, love?"

"I'm fine."

Skylar cleared her throat, acting nonchalant. It did not work, of course, because the woman seemed to be able to see right through her. It was beginning to get unnerving if she was being entirely honest. That's what she assumed Charlotte wanted her to feel like, so she could spill about how she was actually feeling. She finally rolled her eyes, figuring it was best to just tell her, even if it was none of her business.

"I wanted to kill Galavan."

"Tell me something I didn't already know," Charlotte quipped, pressing her hands on the bed behind her, leaning her body back a bit.

Really? She sighed deeply, deflating, looking down at her lap. How was she even supposed to start? Where was she supposed to start? Selina ended up prying how she felt about Galavan out of her but it did not change the fact that she was still in the midst of a depressive episode, attempting to find a way to deal with how she was feeling beneath that confession of wanting to commit the murder herself.

"Do you ever feel like you have no purpose?" she asked, licking her lips, looking over to the window. At this point, she was sitting up at the edge of the bed, legs dangling. "Like when you have this ultimate goal but then when you reach it, you get drained and ask yourself 'what am I supposed to do now?' and you realize there's nothing else left for you to do."

Charlotte thought it over before shaking her head. "No. I've always known my purpose was to protect my family. I failed my mother and I can't fail my brother. For as long as I can remember, taking care of them has been my sole duty." Then she paused, leaning forward as she crossed her legs again. "However, you are still a kid. There are so many possibilities out there. Some people don't find their purpose until they are old, some never do, and some may find it rather quickly. You may feel lost now but believe me when I say that you will find a purpose."

"Why can't it be easy?"

"Because easy is boring," Charlotte laughed, her luscious brown hair bouncing. "You want an adventure, a challenge."

"My challenge is keeping good hygiene."

Skylar made it seem like it was a joke, forcefully smiling when she said that to the older female. The said woman caught what she was trying to do, smiling genuinely at her, eyes sparkling with a knowing glint.

"Mm, well, a hospital is not the most ideal environment if you are trying to accomplish that. And neither is abandoned buildings." She stood up, tossing a box at her. It was a simplistic white container, smooth to the touch, a tad shiny. When she opened it, there was a white slip of paper that was folded. A confused look appeared on her face. She grabbed the paper and used her two fingers to gently peel back the top fold, revealing an address written in black ink, the handwriting the best she's ever seen.

"What the hell is this?"

Charlotte turned around from where she now stood by the window, overlooking the courtyard that was empty due to how late it was. Her boots clicked on the cheap tile as she came back over, still standing.

"The address to my loft. You and Selina are more than welcome to come stay with me. There's hot water, air-conditioning, silk sheets, and food in the fridge and pantry."

Skylar glanced up at her, scoffing a little at the random act of kindness. She and Charlotte had just meant not too long ago, so why the hell did she care about her? Or Selina for that matter? Despite that, she was not about to deny a good place to stay and she knew her best friend wouldn't either. Bruce wasn't at Wayne Manor and sometimes staying with him was too much. She held the paper in her hand but waved it around slightly.

"And why are you giving this to me?"

Charlotte shrugged, amusement tugging on the corners of her lips. "Never hurts to do some charity every once in a while. Especially after you commit a sin. I have to get my hands clean by doing a good deed." She began to walk away, not turning around as she kept talking. "You can come whenever you'd like, just don't drink my wine!"

Then she was gone. Skylar frowned, suspicion gnawing at her. Still, she admired the handwriting again before putting the slip of paper in her pockets. Looking back over at Barbara, she found herself wondering whether she heard that or not. Another sigh passed through her lips as she moved to lay back down, snuggling to the blonde's side, but not before pressing a kiss to her mom's cheek.

"I love you."

---

Roughly five tanks surrounded him, all full with a lifeless body. So far all were unsuccessful, the bodies still very much dead and unresponsive. However, he remained hopeful in his mission to be able to bring back someone from the dead. Reanimation was tricky and required a skilled and practiced mind such as his. There was definite progress with one patient which was putting him in an awfully good mood. He hummed as he jotted down some notes while observing his patients.

Heels clicked against the floor and then stopped.

"The girl is here again."

He did not bother glancing up at his assistant when he responded with, "She is not ready, Ms. Peabody. Patience is a virtue." He quickly finished up with the note he was making, shutting his notebook and tucked in underneath his arm, looking at her through his slightly red-tinted glasses. "I've stated several times that she will not be ready until she was lost everything. There are too many people who would realize her absence. We must wait a bit longer."

Ms. Peabody merely walked away as he approached the monitors, staring at the camera that had a perfect view of Skylar Valeska laying next to her mother, asleep, uneasy, but asleep nonetheless. He smiled, pleased with his progress thus far. Everything was coming together quite nicely, all that was left was waiting for the right moment to obtain the girl and then his work could begin.

What a magical experiment she would turn out to be.

---

Note: Skylar was not actually going through a depressive episode, she just thought she was (meaning her brain persuaded her into thinking she was) because it concealed how she truly felt about Galavan's death.

This chapter focused heavily on the aftermath of Galavan's death and how it affected Skylar. I decided that I wanted to start incorporating Charlotte into her life because she is crucial to Sky's character development, plus I just love Charlotte and writing for her is relaxing.

The last scene is a teaser for future chapters to come that I am super excited about ;)

I hope you guys have a great day/night and don't forget to vote on this chapter, comment your thoughts, and follow me for updates!

( banner credit: @pepperronys )