BY THE TIME NICKY RETURNED HOME, IT WAS JUST STARTING TO GET LATE, AS KIM HAD TO LEAVE EARLIER THAN EXPECTED, AS SHE HAD ONLY DROPPED BY TO VISIT, NOT TO STICK AROUND. After accompanying her back to her hotel lobby, they said their goodbyes, Kim softly reminding him that she'd drop by again some other time, since her newest project, should she get casted, would be shot in the city, so it wouldn't be hard to see him. That filled him with some sense of security, though he was more used to her being gone than being around; he'd already suffered her leaving multiple times, hers was possibly the only one he had gotten used to as, at the end of the day, she wasn't as important to him as she once had been.

So he made his way back to the loft by himself, entering to find it completely empty, Steve and Rhett still not back from their trip. He had a feeling that when they returned, Steve was going to be giving Rhett some space that night.

Sighing, he headed into his room, sitting down on his bed and starting to work on his patient files, starting to fall asleep almost instantly; sometimes, after a socially strenuous day, he just needed to relax.

He'd need all the energy he could get for what was going to happen later on.

º º º

It was almost a comfort, seeing him seated at the same computer he always was, fingers now moving with more practiced ease than they had before. It was like watching a plant grow from afar.

He had actually seen him for the past few days, having been going to the library regularly to study, to find a change of pace from the hustle and bustle of the complex, and he had only paid him mind due to his vintage clothing and ruffled blond hair. He had seen him on the day when he had just stared at the public computers, having to ask for help every few moments to try and understand how to work it, searching for anything and everything, looking more and more confused by the second. In a cruel way, it was almost funny.

But Nicky was, at the end of the day, never one to pry and decided to just continue his studying; if he was going to be successful and prove everyone wrong, he'd have to put in the work.

He had been working for a few hours, pouring over his textbook and writing his papers and generally just being a college student—albeit almost in his second year at his almost eighteen—when he heard a soft sound.

At first, he thought it was just his imagination, just the sound of books rustling or the wind he had misinterpreted. But it didn't stop and almost sounded muffled, yet it was growing louder and louder, a ragged kind of breathing, borderline crying, a panicked sound that Nicky had heard from himself a few times before.

Looking around for the source of the sound, he found that there weren't many people there. Why would there be, it was nearly closing on a Friday night, no one was going to be at the library for very long.

Glancing over towards the computers, he found the man with his head thrown back, clutching at his throat and his stomach, struggling to breathe, his face red, his entire body shaking.

Jumping to his feet, Nicky rushed over towards him, slowing as he neared. "Hey, hey, hey, it's okay..." he tried, wishing he had been trained for this kind of thing, coming to stand next to him, reaching out carefully, touching his arms, the man jumping back, nearly out of his chair, "It's okay, it's okay, put your head between your knees, go on..."

Managing to pull his arms away from his stomach and throat, the man still thrashing about, trying to get calm, Nicky pushed him down, his head between his knees—a position the man had tried for a moment—keep his hand between the man's shoulder blades to keep him still.

"In...out..." he whispered, breathing alongside him, heart racing madly, hoping he knew what he was doing.

After an unexplainable amount of time, the man finally pushing himself up slightly, bracing his arms onto his legs, looking up at Nicky, his voice hoarse as he spoke, "Thank you."

Nicky nodded numbly, taking in his features. His eyes were incredibly red and puffy, the kind of red and puffy that could be found on someone who had cried for hours, eyes rubbed raw. He looked like the type to always shave, but there was light stubble along his chin and upper lip. His clothes were vintage, but they were well kept, not necessarily old; it looked like old clothing, but not necessarily old.

He turned towards the screen, frowning when he saw all the tabs open, confused by all the questions, ranging from oddly phrased questions about WWII to questions about common culture. It was all too odd to be a joke or the questions of someone who needed mental help.

There was just something that told him this man was the type Terran would be trying to help.

"I'm Nicky," he introduced, looking back down towards him, "Where are you from?"

"Rhett," the man breathed, and Nicky saw he had Googled himself, "Here. Brooklyn."

He licked his lips, nodding carefully. "What's your deal, Rhett?"

The man frowned. "Deal?"

Nicky nodded, glancing towards the lights that were starting to shut off, the librarians ready to kick them out at closing in ten minutes. "Do you have some place to stay tonight, Rhett, you need a ride home?"

The man laughed bitterly. "I'd do anything to get back home. But I can't get there. I've tried." He choked at that, eyes watering with tears, fists clenching tightly.

Nicky reached out and squeezed his shoulder. "Hey. I have a place where you can stay. But you gotta tell me what you mean."

The man shook his head. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

Nicky laughed shortly. "You'd be surprised."

º º º

"Honey, I'm home!"

Nicky was pulled out of his dream by the very man he had been dreaming about, surprised to find that he was smiling at the memory; while inviting Rhett back to the complex had been his best decision yet,he would be lying if he said that the immediate consequences weren't difficult; it was hard to explain modern concepts to a man who grew up with such polarizing ideals, though he was much more understanding than expected.

Realizing he hadn't given a reply, Nicky climbed off his bed and peered out of his room, uncharacteristically shy in the presence of a man who he should always feel comfortable around. He smiled when he saw Rhett grin at him, raising the bags of takeout he was holding, setting them onto the table.

"How was Kim?" the man asked, and his smile was tired, but he seemed genuinely happy, albeit his eyes were a little puffy.

"She's good, she says hi, and congrats on snatching up 'Grant,'" he replied, complete with air quotes when referencing Steve's alias. "How was the visit?"

Rhett nodded to himself. "Healing. Wanna eat these on the couch and watch some movies?"

Nicky smiled and nodded, taking the takeout bag from Rhett's hand. While he wished he could just get the words out now before he started to overthink, he knew that Rhett needed this right now. That was more important.

º º º

It wasn't until Rhett handed him a glass of beer that he knew he had been caught.

They had long since finished eating and were now just marathoning their favorite crime procedural show, curled up underneath a blanket together, but Nicky couldn't help but think of Kim's words and his promise to himself on his way home.

He had to do this. For once, he wasn't going to think, he was just going to act. Of course, that didn't work out to the point, as his mind was working on overdrive, as it always did, thinking of so many outcomes and solutions when all he needed to do was act.

"Spill," Rhett said, settling back down, turned so he was facing Nicky, leaned against one of the arm rests of the couch, an eyebrow raised.

Nicky fidgeted under his gaze, suddenly feeling very warm underneath the blanket. "It's nothing..."

He was a complete and utter coward.

Fortunately for him, however, Rhett knew him a little too well and was much too close to be the type to give him his space; he knew better than to do that, at least not all the time.

"Hey," he said, moving closer, tangling their legs together, reaching out towards him, "You can tell me anything, you know that. I know you know that."

Nicky sighed, biting his lip; if only he knew just how much he was hiding. He loved Rhett, he did, but there were just some things that he couldn't tell him. Not if he wanted the man to look at him the way he always did.

"Was it something that happened with Kim?" Rhett asked, suddenly growing concerned, and Nicky just sighed and burrowed further under the blankets, pulling his legs away from Rhett's, curling up into a ball.

He stayed underneath there for a few minutes, Rhett just seated next to him. But then he felt the man shift, taking both their glasses and setting them on the coffee table before scooting closer, placing a hand on the part of the blanket covering his shoulder.

"Hey, kiddo," he whispered softly, and Nicky whined, "You know I love you, right?"

Nicky whined again, because now this just wasn't fair.

"Nicky," Rhett pressed, sighing as he wrapped his arms around him, pulling him and blanket close, smiling when the younger man instantly moved so he was as close as possible, his head resting on his chest, "Nicky, c'mon, please, you're worrying me."

"Nothin' to be worried about," Nicky mumbled around the blanket, his face pressed against Rhett's chest, "'m just being stupid, 'll blow over soon."

The older man shook his head. "No. You being stupid is buying a gingerbread mansion for us to decorate. You don't wanna tell me something. Or you do, but you don't really wanna say it. Which one is it?"

It took a few beats before he finally relented. "The last one."

"Okay," the man said patiently, because he was an elementary school teacher who had a psychologist for a roommate, "Good. See, wasn't so hard. C'mon, Nicky, tell me what's wrong."

He shook his head furiously, biting his lip, disgusted at himself because of course now he decided that the best course of action was to break into tears, feeling the telltale lump in his throat and stinging at his eyes, his heart twisting, because he was so afraid.

"Hey, why're we crying, don't do that," Rhett tutted, pulling the blanket away from Nicky's face, reaching out to wipe away the tears, jolting in surprise by the sheer force Nicky used when hiding his face in his shoulder, sobbing as he clung onto him.

Nicky hated everything about this. He hated that he was crying, it was ridiculous that he was crying, but he was so afraid. It didn't make sense why he was afraid, he knew Rhett, but the idea of what could go wrong consumed him and he just wanted him to drop it, because he'd rather be safe than free.

"There's safety in freedom," Rhett whispered softly, and Nicky hit the couch with his fist, because of course he said that out loud.

"Tell me what's got you so scared," the blond said, forcing him to look him in the eye, "Come on, Nicky. It's me."

And just like that, the last straw was broken. Just like that, everything boiled over and suddenly he was yelling, he was yelling and begging and screaming because no matter how hard he tried to hide it, tried to convince himself that he didn't actually want it, because he wasn't that selfish, he wasn't, he didn't want to be, but at the end of it all, Nicky Green was the most selfish person in the universe.

"You can't leave me!" he cried, gripping Rhett's shirt, his entire body shaking, "You can't!"

Rhett shook his head incredulously, futilely trying to calm him down. "I'm not gonna leave you, what do you mean—"

"I don't want you to leave!"

There. The words that he'd tried so hard to hide, tried so hard to convince himself against, words he had been ashamed to even think because it wasn't his place—he had no right—to tell Rhett that he couldn't leave, to even allude to the fact that he would break if the man left, because that was a binding curse, guaranteeing that, even if he wanted to, the man would never leave, and that wasn't fair, Nicky couldn't ask that of him, couldn't demand that of him, but he did, because no matter how hard he tried, he was selfish.

He trembled as Rhett held him close, breathing heavily as the man ran his hand through his hair, whispering softly and shaking his head as words tumbled out of him without any thought, so different from how he spoke all the other times he had tried to comfort him.

"I'm never leaving you," Rhett promised, and Nicky just sobbed, shaking his head furiously.

"You can leave, it's okay," he tried to counter, desperately trying to let him know that he would be okay, really, he would; he always did default to lies.

"Nicky," he whispered, the name dripping with pity, "It's okay."

"No, it's not!" he cried, running his hands through his hair, only for Rhett to reach out and try to smooth it down, and he pulled away, shaking his head, "It's not okay!"

"Nicky," the man repeated, so calm and almost patronizing, a small smile playing on his lips that didn't hold mirth, but something else, "It's okay to want people to stay."

The younger man's lower lip trembled and he bit on it to try and keep himself grounded, screwing his eyes shut and shaking his head, his voice coming out in a pathetic whimper. "I can't ask you to stay. No one ever does."

Rhett leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Nicky's forehead, and Nicky's heart broke. His heart broke nine times over, one for every year passed that he had spent wishing for the day when, maybe, if he had just said the words everything would be fixed, but it wasn't, and all he was left with was a man who could never love him back and the sickening realization that he no longer wanted him to.

The kiss wasn't a declaration of love, but a reminder of it. A reminder that Rhett loved him, even if it wasn't in the way he had wanted him to, but in the way he needed him to. A reminder that Rhett loving him wasn't something that was just up to Nicky. Love was a two way street and Rhett chose to keep his side clear.

"I don't—I'm not—" Nicky stuttered, struggling to say the words, give Rhett another reason to leave, give him one more reason before he finally fully came clean.

"You haven't loved me like that for a long time," Rhett replied, laughing softly, "I know you don't believe me, but I know you've let it go."

Nicky shook his head, whimpering, "I haven't let go."

Rhett took his hands in his own, shushing him softly. "Yes, you have."

That wasn't what he meant. But there was no way Rhett could understand, so he just kept whispering it over and over again, desperately convincing himself that this was healing, admitting the truth without the other knowing the meaning, that it should be good enough for him, yet there was still a feeling of guilt in his chest, weighing him down like an anchor.

"What did you want to tell me?" Rhett finally asked, after Nicky stopped whispering and just dropped his head onto his shoulder, exhausted.

He shook his head weakly, but there was no real fight; he was too tired. "You'll leave if I tell you."

"You know I won't," Rhett said, and it was so matter-of-fact that Nicky had to raise his head to look at him questioningly and the man simply continued, "You know I won't leave, you're just scared that I will. You don't wanna tell me because you don't want me to know how much you want me to stay, but I've always known."

Nicky shook his head, laughing bitterly. "No, you don't. You don't know half of it."

Rhett raised an eyebrow. "Then you must need me a lot."

He had no idea.

Nicky simply sighed and raised his hands to cup Rhett's face, squeezing his cheeks together, smiling tiredly as the man tried to puff out his cheeks before smiling. "Promise you won't laugh?"

Rhett sighed, reaching up to pull Nicky's hands away. "If you've been hiding it from me for this long to the point where it got you crying, I don't think it's something I could laugh at. Not to mention I don't laugh at you. Not when it matters."

Nicky nodded solemnly, reaching back up to hold Rhett's face in his hands again, wearing a pensive expression as he thought about it. At the end of it all, it was just his mind conjuring so many endings, so many consequences to so many paths when all he needed to do was just act.

"I don't..." he began, shaking his head and glancing away, "I don't wanna have sex with Steve."

Rhett blinked. "Okay? I mean, that's a good thing for me, right?"

"And I don't want to have sex with you," he continued, then he paused. "Well, I mean...I could have sex with you. I-I don't—I don't know Steve well enough yet, but I will, and maybe then I could, you know, be interested. I don't want to have sex with you, but I did. You were the only one I really wanted to. You and Terran. I don't—I mean, I can't—I don't really get it all yet, but I can't just find someone to have sex with and even if I know them, I have to really know them, there has to be something, I mean, I don't—"

Rhett shushed him softly as he rubbed his face furiously, scratching at the back of his neck and his arms, his entire body overheating because he just couldn't make sense of it, and he hated that feeling. He had three PhD's at the age of twenty-six, moved past his father and step-father's crimes, he had done it all, understood so much. Yet he couldn't understand himself. Not just in this instance, but in so many others.

At the end of it all, he knew more about others than he did himself.

"You ever thought about looking it up?" Rhett asked, sounding so casual about the entire thing, "You know, to figure it out."

Nicky laughed mirthlessly. "You seen the Internet? I wouldn't know where to start. You get one easy definition, but then you get someone telling you that it's wrong for valid reasons, then another person jumps in with their own view and more specific reasons, then suddenly you realize it's better you just didn't bother. I wanna learn, but I need some time before I start."

Rhett nodded, pursing his lips for a moment, filling the room with a deafening silence. Then, "Did you really think I was gonna run you out 'cause you don't wanna sleep with my boyfriend?"

Nicky laughed. He laughed and he laughed, because Rhett knew when to make a joke and when to take him serious, but he never did laugh when it mattered, not until he laughed first, and the thing about Nicky was that he lived to make people laugh, because the person that lived to make him laugh was gone, and he would be damned if he let that leave with him.

So he just laughed and threw his head back, the sound filling the room, mingling with Rhett's who had started to laugh the moment the younger man nearly fell off the couch from laughing, and it wasn't all that funny, not even to them, but the other was laughing and that was enough.

When they finally calmed down, they adjusted themselves on the couch, legs intertwined, Rhett with his arms wrapped around Nicky, the man resting his head against his chest, sighing contentedly as the blond ran his hand through his hair.

"I wouldn't leave you. You know that right?" Rhett said, after a period of silence, and it was such a regular statement for him to make, yet its landing never did stick.

But, as always, Nicky simply nodded. "Yeah, I know." He knew that he said it.

Rhett pulled him to eye level, blue eyes piercing brown. "I mean it. I won't leave you."

"What if you get married," Nicky countered, because now it was a feasible reality, one he had never thought much to consider over the years, because for the longest time, it was just him and Rhett.

He had been so sure that the two would hit thirty-five and just end up getting married, it wasn't as if their situation would change much, they'd just be able to introduce themselves as husbands, and Rhett had been so sure as well, every New Year's just pointing out that it was one year closer to their wedding date.

But then Rhett got a boyfriend. Not just a boyfriend, the man of his dreams, and Nicky knew what would happen next. He was so happy for Rhett, there was no way he couldn't be, but he knew what would happen and it killed him, because at the end of it all, people left for what they wanted, and no one wanted him.

"Steve'll understand," Rhett replied easily and, because he knew that Nicky could use a joke, added, "Besides, if we turn thirty-five and you're the only one who's single, Steve won't mind if we do a little string pulling so we can all get married."

"That's not legal," Nicky pointed out, smiling as Rhett simply groaned, falling back against the couch and adjusting his position, pulling him into a hug.

"You'll figure something out," Rhett mumbled against the back of Nicky's neck, closing his eyes, "You always do."

Nicky smiled to himself, nodding. At the end of it all, he always made it work.

AUTHOR'S NOTE

Legit, the title is based off of how many times I used that idiom, like, why am I like this?

Anyways, here we go y'all, it's about to get a lot more interesting! And Nicky's really just trying to figure himself out but he is demisexual so yeah!

Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed!