08
l o s t

I STAY SILENT. A weird chasm of confusion and disappointment opens up in my chest, making my breath shallow. I try to picture Noah wandering between streets, between airports, between highways. Maybe he's like me too--he goes where the wind blows him.

"Have you ever got lost?" I ask.

Noah doesn't answer. I think of the way he talks about the people in the airport, the vague answer he gave me when I asked if he knows where he's going. My thought travels back to Lana again, then the scar on his wrist. A weird clench sinks to the bottom of my stomach. Why do I have so many questions about him?

"Sorry," I say. "Just ignore me."

He lies on his back and I turn, meeting his gaze. He tilts his head, indicating me to lie down beside him. I do.

His breath sounds steady next to me as his chest goes up and down. In the distance, I can hear the murmurs of the birds, the whispers of a few tourists below us.

Moments later, Noah reaches for my left arm and holds my wrist up to his face, inspecting the watch that he gave me.

"It's interesting that you asked if I had got lost before, because I had, once," he starts.

My eyebrows quirk slightly with interest.

"I was in a small town on Route 66, and I didn't have much money left because you know, it was before college, so I ended up in a small hostel where I slept with a few other backpackers in a room. The lights went out and I hugged the backpack I brought with me, because a bed was the only space I had. And at that moment I knew I was lost. I was all alone, I didn't know where to go next, what I should do."

His last few words hang in the air.

I wince at the story he just told me. "So what happened next?" I ask.

"There was this man with a long brown beard, his name was Dave, and he offered a job for me in his small restaurant. I washed the dishes every day and he would tell me stories of his daughter and wife, of his little dreams about the town. So I stayed there for a week, in the town that I couldn't find on the map anymore because I forgot its name, and left with a small deck of cash," he finishes.

"How old were you?" I ask.

"Eighteen." He's still staring at the watch on my wrist. "I bought this watch when I came back from the trip. I told myself it's time to settle down."

He lets go of my arm. We're on our sides now, facing each other. I can feel the warmth radiating from him as we breathe.

I stare down at the floor. "If you could go on the trip again, would you?"

"Yes," he says without hesitation. "It's tough, but it's worth it."

"Being alone is always tough," I whisper, tears slowly welling up in my eyes. Yes, I'd prefer being alone, but who doesn't want company?

Though if companies are just passengers, maybe I'll still choose solitude.

I hold myself very still. We listen to the wind rustling the leaves of a tree, face to face. And the day seems indefinite at this moment.

When I'm about to fall asleep, my phone in my pocket buzzes. My eyebrows knit together in surprise. I get up and dig the phone out of my pocket. A direct message notification pops up.

elaine_0203: Have you managed to settle everything down? When will be your next flight?

I shut my eyes. The thought of not seeing her for a year makes my heart constrict. Every time I tried to tell myself that it's okay, I couldn't help but think that I'm such a selfish daughter. She needs me. And she's there, desperately wants me home, while I'm enjoying my time at the Grand Canyon.

Letting out a trembling breath, my fingers run on the keyboard.

rileyran2: i'm okay, mom. next flight is 3pm tomorrow.

I would've just hit send and thrown my phone away before, but I hesitate this time. I decide to add one more sentence.

rileyran2: i'm sorry.

I quickly send the message and stuff my phone back into my pocket. When I turn to my left, Noah has already sat up.

He shifts and looks at me. "Who's that?"

"My mom." I push the words out of my mouth.

He nods and clears his throat. "So," he says as he presses his lips together. "Wanna talk about it?"

I tilt my head. "Talk about what?"

"Your mom." He nods his head upward. "You were shaking."

I embrace myself with my arms subconsciously. "Was— was I?"

Our eyes meet. His eyes are calming with sympathy, and not a single muscle on his face twitches.

Just like that, he shifts closer to me and winds his arm around me, placing my head onto his shoulder. A staggering shock of electricity shoots straight to my veins. I hold my breath. Peeking up at Noah, he puts a faint smile on his face he stares back down at me, his gaze soft.

My body seems so small compared to his, and I feel the warmth of him. Gradually, my breath becomes steady again.

"Noah..." I whisper. "Thank you."

"It's okay." He pulls me closer to him. "Whatever you're going through, it's okay."

My vision becomes cloudy again. Sniffing my nose, I decide to open up to him.

"My dad left my mom when she was pregnant with me," I manage to say as my throat clogs up.

Noah sighs next to me, his hand tightens on my arm.

I continue, "She's always so lonely... she doesn't really have friends, and she once told me that I'm her only person to talk to."

I look at him.

"I'm so selfish, God damn it, I shouldn't have left her alone in New York. And... and I just yelled at her like that before I left home a year ago, I still remember the wrinkles and sorrow on her face—" I choke up. Every emotion inside me collides together—guilt, bitterness, regret.

And relief. The kind of relief that you can finally get rid of the burden of guilt.

"Riley," Noah says my name. "It's okay to be yourself, it's okay to do what you really want to do."

I wipe away the tears with my thumb. "Ugh, this is so embarrassing."

He lets out a small snort. "Not really."

"Duh." I can't help but let out a laugh.

He continues, "Your mom loves you, and if she knows that this is what you really like to do, she'll support you."

"Why are you so sure?" I ask with uncertainty.

"Because I just know." He stares into my eyes. "And you know what? The way your whole body lit up and cried when you first saw the view in front of us is magical. You were a whole different person compared to who you were at the airport."

"Yeah." I pull my gaze away from him. "I was ecstatic. It's just so gorgeous!"

He nods. "You're going to see your mom again tomorrow. And she's going to be proud of you."

The fact I'm going back home tomorrow makes my chest bloom like spring flowers, but when I think of leaving Noah, the flowers inside me wither. And it scares me.

But when I look across the miles of rocks, revealing vibrant hues as the sun begins to sink, I decide to sweep the thought away. The sky turns into a dusky twilight, and I let myself soak in this serene moment. In Noah's arm.

a/n
hello! thanks for reading! anyway, anyone notices the new cover? <3