I don't know how to end this.

I kept telling myself I am insane for loving you deeper and deeper, far dangerous than what should have been acceptable. I have so many things to say. I have so many ideas, but never knowing how to tell you about them. So I am writing this down, hoping you'd so much as read this (probably won't happen though).

First, I'd like to say that I love you too. For many years of me liking you, I never did told you straight how I felt. I never uttered the most simple words of telling a person you like them. I never had the chance, me being shy, uncertain and all. For all the things I told you, you knew already how I felt, but I never expected for all my living days in the future that you'd be the first between us to actually tell me you "loved me so much".

I know, I shouldn't be sad about it.

But why do I feel this unbearable pain instead?

Don't get me wrong, I did felt happy. When I first read it, I was so happy it's like I finally achieved something I never knew I'd ever get the chance of hearing. I felt too happy, that is, too happy that the happiness undid the bind I hid for sadness. I was too happy and then sadness took over as quickly as how you said those words. I became sadder, Doki-kun. I never knew I'd felt that sadness again, and it intensified.

I know, you're probably wondering how the hell would simply confessing your feelings made such a bad impact in me.

The thing about that, well, I don't know anything anymore after that. You made me weaker, too vulnerable than I already am. To fight or let go. To tell you there's a chance of maybe "us" or to tell you I don't go steal someone else's property. You made me choose, Doki-kun. Even though I know that there really was nothing to choose from, because as you said those words, you let go faster than lightning.

I am truly in for confessing this time, huh?

I am so confused. So, so confused. What is this thing between us? Is this how friends talk? What is this feeling I'm feeling? Why am I feeling this? Do I really love you? Or was I only in love of the feeling of being in love? To be addicted of something that I knew would never be mine from the start? Please, help me. I do not know these thoughts. I do not know answers to my questions. I am too upset of everything I can't tell anyone of my problems. The boy I loved, liked, hated, was it just a platonic thing from the very start?

Why am I still waiting for you, Doki-kun? I know it is futile. We will never be "that" kind of people. I'm hurt knowing you'd never be able to really feel the same way I do. You are too wild, too complicated even for me to decipher. But even though I shouldn't, WHY AM I STILL WAITING FOR SOMETHING THAT WILL NEVER COME?

I hate myself for that.

I kept having these strange emotions, thoughts that are simply too embarrassing for me to share to you. I kept thinking about things that would've made me someone else entirely, that is, if we could've been together. I kept imagining things that would've been truthful, even if it's just a silly girlfriend ish kind of stuff. I know this is really silly to talk about but I just want you to know that everything I wrote, I wrote it for you, because I like you, really.

Funny how I easily get jealous of your friend Ro-chan more than your Yan-san. It should've been me you were confiding with all your secrets and thoughts and everything but gosh I'm really sorry I wasn't able to help you or be there for you in times where you needed someone. Now I can't get jealous of her, really, because she's a better friend than I'd ever will be. This is just a selfish reaction from an insecure girl. I am really sorry for my poor immature actions, of my jealous heart, of my lack of understanding. I was too engrossed with my own business I never thought someone wanted to ask help. I was too caught up of not seeing you that I never thought you'd so much as remember me.

After rereading Chasing Hurricane, I knew what I had to do. I finally came into a decision, and that is, find someone else to like, to talk about, to think, to love. I can't have these stupid emotions toward a friend. I can't just simply tell you I don't want you to be a friend too, because I still do care about what you think of me. I can't abandon you. I won't. I'd never. But I can't stab my heart enough already. I feel like I'm cheating to my future significant other. Don't worry, once I find my future man, I'd delete this app, I'll start a fresh new life. That is, a life without loving you.

Simple isn't it? When you really do love someone, you'll understand them enough to know how to stop because this is not healthy. Loving someone in a one sided love is not healthy for both. We should've stayed with a platonic kind of relationship from the start, but nah we're already where we are. There is one thing I discovered, one that even the greatest loveless love expert would never understand, and it's that great old saying that if you really really love someone, all their pasts, all their flaws, all their sad alter egos, all their pride, all their bad bad criticisms, all their pain, all their sorrow, all their addictions, if you really love a person, you'll also love all their shortcomings too. You'd understand them to the greatest level. You'd understand enough to let them go when they said the feeling has changed. You'd understand enough to let them go if they said their last and final goodbye. You'd still understand them, even if all hope is gone. Because when you really love someone, you'll embrace their demons and love their angels. You'd love everything about them too. That's why I can't hate you really Doki-kun. That simply is and will always be impossible, so please stop doing stupid things that break my heart because it's too late to stop this "thing" now.

I love you, I realized I really do.

No matter what happens, no matter what you do, no matter how often you'd break my heart, crush it into pieces, I will always love you. First love, huh? (Now this is such a Love Rosie reference but shh don't blame me, you're the one who's too romantic with movies)

Gosh I become someone else when I'm talking in english like why is this?

One more thing though. I want to ask you something that's bugging my mind ever since you said it. Do you really love me, Doki-kun? or is it just an infatuation, a kind of thing that goes away after two days, a kind of emotion that's too short to be acceptable to be anywhere close to love? I don't really know, so if you ever read this, please tell me. It's just me being curious ish ahahaha

I'm also thinking about whether you'd ever really call me for real, and not just chat in a messaging app whenever we want to talk because you knowww, we get bored in chats but I think calling is way too personal ahahah! Maybe I'm just asking too much from someone who'd never really read this even.

Until then, ciao.