In spite of everything, I really wanted to live.

There are days I see myself as someone who could actually conquer the world. There are days I listen to myself more because letting others preach to me finally made me want to ditch them big time. There are days I hear myself talk in a way that I never knew was possible, coming from me and all that.

Maybe I'm just being really silly or selfish but I cannot, for all my life, say that I never felt good whenever I experience the hang of being myself even for a bit. A time without sadness. A time without thinking I'm actually never really good enough with the whole living stuff. Funny how I find happiness to things I grew so ridiculously adamant on avoiding.

What is happiness, really?

Is it just a kind of bliss? A feeling so strong it becomes addicting enough to turn every people on earth obsessed with owning even just the mere idea of it? Is it an end game emotion? A satisfaction? A prize-worthy kind of fit for a world-class champion?

Is it privileged only to those who genuinely work so hard to earn it?

Pray tell, humor me. Why is everyone willing to bet their lives and risk them for a chance of getting the happiness they think they righteously deserve? Why are people fighting for something that generally contradicted their resorted method of possession? Surely, that is not how I pictured happiness would be, or is it really?

Oh, do tell, why do people stoop lower just to see themselves get satisfied by watching other people suffer?

On days like this, I kinda want to slap their happiness out of their system if it means they'll learn how to stop being such jerks who would rather choose themselves as tyrant kings than shoot themselves as prideful rebels who seek for peace with absolute resolution.

We're not in the afterlife yet, but I'm thinking they're burning themselves too soon, happiness and all.

Well, in spite of everything, I kinda really really wanted to live.

There's no harm in trying, right? As long as I'm not feeling happiness in the midst of somebody's despair, as long as I'm only giving myself the privilege of being happy just by making other people happy too, as long as I keep this negativity in a leash so tight it's suffocating, I'm making myself happier in living, right?

Baby steps. Always the baby steps.