I am absolutely terrified of falling.

Desperately, I tried to keep myself in check. Looking at things in a prospective manner would surely help me understand myself better. Isn't that how one should see matters at hand? Clinging to such unwarranted emotions would then be an unnecessary move right there and I knew that. I knew that.

But why can't I stop myself from the fall?

Fear of heights made me this modest. The boy I liked, I'm thinking he finally grew bored of the idea of me. I'm crying. To think I'm actually this wrecked to absolute oblivion makes me sadder 100 times over. Is this what love can do? Is this the feeling of waiting for someone who's never going to come? I don't like this. I hate this.

Maybe I should just stop.

Let myself grasp a thoughtless cloud. Let myself be saved from falling deeper. Let myself be dragged back up into the surface of never really knowing what should be done from what should be not. Chasing someone is and will forever be banned from my mindset. This ain't healthy. This is stupidity at its finest core. Loving someone, especially someone who's too unpredictable, isn't like how romance is portrayed in movies and books.

Gosh, this is too much already.

Love, for me, is nothing but suffering. No matter how good the intention is or how pure bliss the feeling gets, there will always be unease and sadness in every corner. It is not a subject a child should dabble with. I should've scolded myself from the start. How did things ended up like this already?

How?

Self, I am begging you. Please stop this already. You are ruining your life. You shouldn't shame yourself any longer. You should be free. I need to be free. Stop thinking about what others think of you. Stop thinking about other people's lives. Stop thinking about people. Stop thinking about him. Free yourself from this locked up world of your own doing. Free yourself from pain and sadness. Why are you making yourself suffer this much? Why do you care about other people that much? Stop. They don't think about you. They don't even remember you. You are such an insignificant person in their minds. They are probably too focused with their own problems too, though they would certainly ignore the thought of you even if they're not minding their own businesses. Who are you really? You're a nobody from the start of your life til now. Why are you still trying to change that? Why do you still want to seek attention from people you can never reach into? Why are you still reaching out a hand to people who will always run faster than you?

Stupid, stupid girl.

You are such a nobody. Please accept that and just shut your fucking mind off.